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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: Why can't a married man give up his long term mistress?Even when he has tried more than once to stop the affair due to guilt and fear of being caught?Why can he NOT let her go? Despite so many attempts?His mistress has told him she does not want to let him go. That she refuses to. She would be lost without him. He says she has this power over him. That he just cannot say NO to her.How can a wife cope with something like this when she found texts that were exchanged between them?I am the wife.In all our years married not one woman has ever turned his head. Not until THIS ONE came along.Is he in LOVE with her?And what should I do?I am feeling gutted right now.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2016): He's in love with the mistress. Pure and simple. He doesn't leave you due to feeling guilty yet can't break up with her because he loves her. Often people think that affair are only about sex. Some, yes. But there are those that cross the line of affair and become real deal relationship built on affection, love, and trust.
They become real relationships regardless of circumstances.
I'm sorry to be blunt but I'm afraid he has chosen her and now it's up to you to end the marriage and move on.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2016): Yes, true CindyCares. I hear your point that the risk in a long time affair for serial cheaters who are thrill seekers and likely sex addicts is that the novelty will wear off at some point. But for these types, I cannot seem them even staying with one woman for years. Their series of affairs are much more short lived.
For the other types of men who have cheated who were not seeking an affair and found it and perhaps have genuine feelings for their mistress, I doubt they would be leaving her for another conquest.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (12 May 2016):
 I did not mean that all men are serial cheaters ! Some did not ever cheat in their whole life and never would !
And I confirm my opinion that those who do cheat very often keep their affairs going on , out of sheer habit , convenience and unwillingness to get out of their comfort zone. My point is that this is the main reason why many affairs go on and on, and men seem not to " be able " to leave their mistress : call it laziness, call it cowardice, call it what you want, but do not call it
" love " or " passion " because 98% of the times this is NOT the reason why they stay with a mistress.
The big risk with these drawn out affairs, though- and of course I do not mean necessarily, just occasionally - is that this comforting and comfortable parallel relationship can begin feeling too comforting and comfortable - just like a second parallel marriage. Particolarly once the sexual novelty has worn off and the mistress' new bag of tricks has been tried again and again .
At that point the mistress becomes ... just like another wife: boring by definition,lol, for some restless guys. At which point, they may start looking for novelty and distraction AGAIN .
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2016): I don't agree with CindyCares that ALL men are SERIAL cheaters. She alluded to the point that a man with a mistress might eventually take on yet ANOTHER mistress. This is not necessarily the case in all cases. Every man is different. A lot of men are happy with their mistresses and never seek out another. Remember? Creatures of habit.
From my experience with affairs, men who seek a parade of mistresses, one after another, usually stay in affairs short term and move on from one to another rather quickly instead of staying long term with only one.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (12 May 2016):
Although I agree that, if the OP knows she is being regularly cheated on , and her husband is not repentant, not making an effort to repair their marriage and regain her trust, but is instead hell bent on having his cake and keeping it too, the best course for her is to show him the door ( ... and possibly take him to the cleaners :)- I disagree with anon female of May 12th . I think her visison is a bit naive and optimistic." are not supposed to last that long "- says who ? The National Official Handbook of
Extramarital Affairs ?... In fact, I think everybody can easily quote among their acquaintances cases of people who drag on their affairs forever, and keep sort of a parallel life, like a second- in-command wife, for years and years, unless either one ( wife or mistress ) puts a stop to it. It's just simpler, more convenient, less drama , less financial consequences, less conflict with children,family and friends.
Man is a creature of habit, and does not voluntarily bring upon himself changes which mean hurdles and hassles,if he can avoid it.
He could do that , of course, due to a very strong motivation ( life at home has become impossible, a real nightmare ) or a very special reward ( he DID fall truly, crazily in love with the mistress and wants to spend the rest of his life with her ). But this is an exception, not the rule, I think stats put it at 2% or 3% of cases.
All the rest , if the wife is not a total harpy, and the mistress the real one - in- a lifetime love , are very happy and content to have the best of both worlds, wife AND mistress, as long as they can get away with it, which may be decades , or even forever. Unless of course , after a while, there's a third fresh new entry to catch his fancy and stir his juices....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2016): He cannot let her go because this affair has become serious for both of them. Affairs are not meant to last. Not this long. And not with the same person.You are in big trouble on the emotional front. It seems you have lost your husband to another woman.So, instead of wait around and letting him do as he pleases, take the necessary steps to terminate this marriage.Because even if he did leave her and came back to you, I am sorry to say you would be old faithful. The comfortable shoe that he is used to. And he would come back because he felt his back was against the wall financially and his reputation at stake. It would never be because he loves you and chose you. He loves another woman. He chose her over your marriage. If he didn't, he would remained faithful and loyal to you.And even if you could live with being the consolation prize, how can you ever trust him again not to start another affair with a new woman or more likely going back to his current mistress behind your back? I fear you would never be at peace with this man in your life. So find your peace. Walk away.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2016): I saw this from a mistress posted today and thought you might like to read it: since it shows how other woman might not be in a good mind frame either. Her guy is a douchebag like your husband is a douchebag. Let em rot, but line up legal first!!!!!This is part of what she written:My married guy made me feel special. The sex we had was the BEST ever for both of us. He feels guilty and toys with my emotions all the time. Makes me feel beautiful one minute and then like trash the next. He loves me and hates me all at once. And his conflicted emotions make me his punching bag most of the time when all I do is love him. And try to make him happy. And give to him. All of me. And yet in return I get pain, a man who can never be mine, a man who pulls me close and then pulls away. I can always predict that. Your feelings get too involved. Especially as a woman. And what happens? You too will be in love with a married man. Just like me. A man who will never leave his wife. All you are and will ever be to him is a bit of fun and excitement. Be very careful when you play with fire and emotions.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2016): Did he tell you specifically those statements? Or is this based on the text messages that you found between them? An important distinction because a guy getting Free cheap easy sex on the side will probably say and do anything to keep the other woman happy. Take a day or two to feel gutted and then start planning. Talk to your friends who have negotiated successful divorces and find out the really excellent divorce attorneys are. Then make sure you follow their instructions. You'll feel a lot better when you realize that you can be holding the financial strings and make the cheating bastard dance to your wishes . The women I know who divorced because of their men cheating have wound up with the house, the car, a half of the cheater's money and the Ability to keep their head high. While the guy cheater is had to move out into a tiny little apartment, Drive whatever piece of garbage car he can afford anymore and try to build his financial life again. And in the cases of the men that I've seen this happen too, they tend not to wind up with that other woman. I think the other woman has under estimated the major shift that's about to happen the guys life and they just don't know how to cope. So generally it takes the guy a couple years to get his feet back Under him again, he may begin dating again, he eventually wind up with somebody else. So I wouldn't worry too much about this particular woman she'll probably be history in within six months of the divorce if there is one.So chin up, start planning, ask your friends for help and support, don't hide the stuff from your closest your nearest and dearest, if he's been out running around for a long time with this woman other people know. So it's probably a shock to you right now but eventually you'll get through this.While it's emotionally devastating to the wife, in the long run she's free of a cheater, she has her life that she can rebuild and the guy is considered a cheater by friends, can't show his face around the rest of their friends, he becomes sort of a loser to their shared community. So I would content yourself right now with these thoughts, make sure you find a good divorce attorney, and oh hire a private investigator to track him and get evidence on him.
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (10 May 2016):
 No, there's no such thing as "can't" with him. He is wrapped up in the affair like an addict is with drugs or alcohol or smoking. He likes it too much, and quite frankly, he hasn't broken with her because you haven't given him enough reason to do so.
Adultery is *not* reality. The addicting quality to it is the illicit forbidden nature of it, so it's not that she's better than you in any way. The reason why it's not reality is that they don't see each other when life gets hard, when it's not all secret sex trysts, when it's not having to deal with communication, children, money, jobs, and things that make up real life.
He hasn't left her because you aren't forcing it. As long as you haven't filed for divorce or kicked him out all the way (he may be living somewhere else, but he's coming around like it's still his home if that's the case) from your heart and life.
You need to kick him out. Don't threaten. Don't wallow in feeling gutted. Get angry and determined that you WILL NOT share your life, your home, or your bed with a cheating husband. You've not shut the door on him. You're still reading texts and listening to his lame excuses and feeling "gutted". Part of that is because you're in denial that he's blown up your marriage, and you want him to cast her aside and make your marriage the way it used to be.
It will never be the way it used to be ever again.
He's given you a lot of BS about the fact that he CAN'T break from her. She has no hold over him. Her "I'm not letting you go" is invalid because she doesn't "have" him to begin with. You do.
He's really made NO attempt to get away from her. He's guilted and agonized over the reprocussions of his actions, but that's not the same as saying to her "It's over" and blocking her number, her social media, and her avenues of communication with her.
In the NON-reality of the illicit adultery, it's easy to say she has this power over him. In reality, the moment you kick him out and file for divorce, he'll see her in the light of day. It won't be illicit anymore. He'll most likely move in with her (unless she's married) and then he'll see REAL LIFE. Then he'll have a reckoning far greater than he realizes, knowing that when you get away from him, you'll have the power to move on, and then the thought of you in another man's arms will be agony unmeasured for him.
You need to break HIS hold over you. You can't control or plead for him to act. YOU need to act. You need to blow up the marriage, because he refuses (Seriously, it's not that he can't. It's that he refuses) to drop her. You are not his therapist, nor do you owe him time or help or any other the other crap he's trying to hoist onto you.
Bring the relationship to crisis and to an end. You shouldn't have to police his texts or go through the hyper trust crap you're putting yourself through now. He destroyed trust. Once you end the marriage, it's no longer your problem, but his. If you have kids, they can't live in a world where you are THIS gutted. They need stability. He'll have to pay support, so that should be part of your court stuff.
Like others have said, you're young. Don't waste your youth and beauty on a serial cheater who refuses to stop cheating. It's not that he can't. It's that he WON"T as long as you make it comfortable for him to go home and consume your domestic care of him while he goes out and has sex with another and alienate affection from you.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (10 May 2016):
 I have to agree with SVC
He CAN break away, he CHOOSES not to. She has no magical hold over him. HE is just wanting to have his cake (you) and eat it too (her).
You are in your 20's. You can EASILY find someone else, someone who isn't cheating on you and making lame excuses.
And like Auntie BimBim said, don't wait for him to make the next move, get YOUR ducks in a row, and find a GOOD divorce lawyer.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (10 May 2016):
 At 26-29 you are very young to put up with something that upsets you so.
HE CAN break her "hold" HE CHOOSES NOT TO.
Do not BLAME her for HIS bad behavior.
this is HIS choice.
your choices:
stay and look the other way
stay and fight about it
leave and find someone you are #1 with.
(and get a good lawyer since he's cheating you will prevail)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2016): He loves his mistress. But he will never admit this to himself. Or to her.He is torn between doing the right thing (ending the affair and breaking her heart) or staying with his wife whom he has built a life with and is comfortable with but he no longer truly loves. He continues to try to leave his mistress because he is afraid. Afraid of how he feels for her. Afraid of hurting his wife and family. Afraid the mistress will tell his wife. He is in a very bad spot. Continuing the relationship is the easiest option for him and the path of least resistance.Many mistresses would have ended it by now. But she hasn't because she is in love with him too.No matter the outcome, it won't be good.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2016): He doesn't want to.It has nothing to do with her.He wants to have her in his life.Maybe he doesn't have the guts to leave you.Maybe he wants to have both, a comfy home and an understadning wife, as well as his exciting mistress.I get her point of view (even if I don't justify it). She is alone and wants him for herself. She's agressive and stubborn. Why do you out up with it?Honestly, I don't know how you can trust him at all? How can you be so sure that there weren't any other women before her? But let's say that you are right. She may turn out to be nothing special. It's him who is dissatisfied with something and I bet it has nothing to do with you. Maybe he feels he got married too young? Maybe he wants to explore? Whatever the reason, he's a coward that is not taking responsability for his own actions. It's not him... it's her! She's juts too amazing. BS if you ask me.Our dear friend has invented a whole story of "it's fate!" when he was cheating on his wife of 20 years and looking for an easy way to leave the marriage, instead of just saying I want out. I mean nobody would have judged him! His life, his decisions. But what he did was awaful.And make no mistake, what your husband is doing is awful.Do not wait for him to decide, tak eyour life into your own hands! I am with Aunty Bim Bim. Prepare yourself and get a good lawyer.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (10 May 2016):
 PS the woman isn't using some sort of black magic to force him to stay with her, he has made that decision all on his own, regardless if he is in love or not, he certainly doesn't respect you or the contract he entered into with you when you married.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (10 May 2016):
What you should do is just go along as you have for the next few months, without letting your husband get suspicious, use the time he is with the other woman to do some research, quietly start stashing as much cash as you can without him noticing, and gather together all documentation of all assets, (make copies if necessary), those you share with him, and those he owns on his own, and then go see the best divorce lawyer you know .....
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