A
female
age
41-50,
*uggylover
writes:I met a man 6 months ago. I knew he was still married. His wife left him after an injury a year and a half ago and is involved with another man. This has been the best 6 monthd of my life. I have been single for a couple of years with two young girls. I am 37 and never been married. I told him before christmas that I did not want amything for my birthday ot Christmas but for him to stsrt to get divorced. I got presents instead. I want him. They do not have kids together but did foreclose on a house almost 2 years ago. I brought it up this past weekend while he was on vacation that it was bothering me. He says he loves me as I love him. He says hes not ready to move in with me. He says that getting divorced is not the first thing on his mind. He is going through medical testing of his back and neck. Money is not an issue. But why? I do not know at what point to walk away or if I should. I do not think I could go through another year without him starting proceedings. Any ideas?
View related questions:
christmas, divorce, money Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2017): I'm in the boat. He's been separated for many years but really making excuses plus everytime he drinks I get called everything but a Christian. I don't know why am I staying cause he's not going to get his divorce.
A
female
reader, puggylover +, writes (20 January 2012):
puggylover is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthe medical testing he has been going through has led him to be having surgery on his neck. he has to have metal plates between the vertebraes. i think i may give it more time and help him through the after surgery.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2012): There are several reasons why he is delaying the process.
What he told you was that he was not ready to move in with you and he's focused on his medical condition.
LISTEN to the bigger message he is SHOWING you non-verbally. He is NOT ready to make that kind of commitment to you. If he were legally divorced it would put pressure on him to commit his life to you. If he is not ready to move in with you, he is not ready to blend his life with yours. He is your companion, perhaps your boyfriend, and he is letting you know right now that he is FINE with the way things are.
So, what do you hope to gain by his legal divorce? Are you hoping for a proposal? Domestic partner? Kids?
Keep in mind, you have ONLY known him 6 mos! Expecting a bigger commitment right now may be too much.
He loves you. If your relationship has been growing and it is healthy for you AND your two girls then let things develop naturally. Giving him added pressure might make him naturally start putting up walls and backing away from you.
If you really FEEL you need him to show you how serious he is towards having a life with you, then you will need to find a way to directly tell him, right from the heart that him being legally married to someone else is a roadblock.
Otherwise, if things are good. Relax and ask him to make that part of his life a priority and work to cleaning up the mess behind him so he can move forward.
...............................
A
female
reader, puggylover +, writes (17 January 2012):
puggylover is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for the helpful advice... he went on vacation to vegas with his susters husband. hes taking me to the mountains next month. its not that im pressuring him to live together... just want her out of the question. part of me does believe that he still loves her but knows shes on with her life. he did say that im before her and that even if she decided to come back that he wouldnt. i think i am just wanting that clean slate so that we can move forward build a life... or at least start to.. maybe i just dont know how to handle the situation.. i do love him..if i lost what bond we do have id be hurt... i dont know how to find that comfort zone..
...............................
A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (17 January 2012):
 I agree with worldlywise. He has a number of other things on his plate, not the least of which is medical testing. Even the most straightfoward divorce can be cumbersome and that is the reason for his delay, in my opinion. It's possible, but doubtful he's dragging his heels because he's still in love with his wife.Apart from the financial and logistical issues yet to be sorted there are psychological ones as well. People need some time on their own to regroup after a long intimate relationship and your boyfriend isn't giving himself that time.There is also the strong possibility that he will want to live on his own vn when the divorce is final. It is reasonable for you to expect something more concrete from a man who was already single and sorted out when you met him. Your boyfriend wasn't. It is not reasonable for you to make any commitments based on a vague hope.My suggestion is date him, but for all intents and purposes consider yourself single and make sure he knows that. You don't have to pursue other men, but you can accept invitations to go out on dates. If your boyfriend says he wants the same, the deal is off. It may sound unfair but it isn't. You're not the one keeping him hanging. We don't get exclusive rights to someone we haven't made up our mind about.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (17 January 2012):
 Why do you want him to get the divorce? (yes I understand the whole not married thing and moving on thing)
He is not with her now.
You are dating 6 months
He told you clearly that he is not for the having with his actions at the holidays.
He was on vacation….were you with him??? Or did he take off alone? That says a LOT too.
He is not ready to move in with you…..he told you this… so the divorce will do what for you? WHAT will CHANGE with the divorce?
At what point do you walk away? It depends on what you want and how long you are willing to wait….
He clearly does not want to live with you
He does not want to marry you and to prevent you possibly nagging him about getting married he keeps the first wife as a WIFE so there is no need for you to nag about getting married… just the divorce.
I was legally married to my first husband for nearly 14 years although we separated at about 7 years married. We just never had the need or desire to end the marriage till he wished to marry someone else….
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2012): I guess the way he sees it is he's taking one step at a time, he has no immediate need to get divorced, he probably wants time to get his head round it all before he signs on the dotted line.
You knew his situation so really I don't think its fair to pressure him after only 6 months.It will definately drive him away.
What you have to do is decide if you are ready to take a gamble,carry on as you are, or if him being free will make a huge difference. He has said he's not ready to move in with you so thats not going to change just yet,if ever. Maybe he is waiting to see if they reconcile, only he knows that.He's definately stalling, and in less of a rush than you are.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (17 January 2012):
 So he is still married. He may not live with her, but he is married, to HER.
Honestly, I would tell him to give me a call when he is free and single. I would NOT want to date a married man, even IF he isn't with her anymore. Married is married.
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (17 January 2012):
 Hmm...there are no kids in this situation you say? This is also not about property or estate division because if he's having a foreclosure, there wouldn't be much of any assets to speak of.
Clearly, the guy's not ready to move on. Money's not the issue because in the world of no kids or property, quickie divorces are easy, cheap, and fast.
Going through medical testing takes all of a day to do and about a week or less to get the results back. He can't move on with his life because he's in a rut and still loves her, no matter if she's dating another guy or not.
Consider this -- it's only been 6 months since you guys started dating. He's not over her, and he's not sure about you. He's hedging his bets and possibly, and this pains me to tell you, but he's possibly using you as a "revenge relationship" to put things on even footing with the wife who is also in another relationship.
I do get why he doesn't want to move in yet. 6 months is pretty soon for that kind of thing, and if he's leaving a marriage, he might not be so quick to get committed, and living together is a bit of a commitment move.
If it were me, I'd tell him that maybe the relationship should be put on hold while he sorts out where he wants to go in life. If the two of you start living together and intermingling expenses and all that, he's still vulnerable for half his assets in a marriage unless they've gone to the courts and filed for legal separation. This includes and puts at risk things the two of you buy together.
I say put the relationship on hold. Tell him that he needs to resolve things with his wife before you two continue, and that you hope he does, but things are too up in the air now for you to feel comfortable. Explain that you're not putting on the shackles of commitment, but rather that you want him "free and clear" of any emotional bonds as well as legal and financial. Then make it clear that while you're hoping to resume the relationship with him once he makes his decisions (honestly...divorce for him would be a quick thing due to lack of children and property), you're now free to keep your options open as well.
Then don't pine for him, at least not openly The last thing you want is to be used until he reconciles with her, and at worst, you're being used to make his wife jealous. You knew he was married when you started, so it's already messy. However, if you're wanting more than to be a Friend with Benefits, it's time to press the issue. Remember, you're not looking to chain him to committing, but rather free up the last vestiges of his prior commitment to a wife he is not yet emotionally over.
...............................
A
male
reader, Kyle007 +, writes (17 January 2012):
Are you worried that there is a chance he will get back with his wife again? His wife left him, there is no relationship left. But ask him if he is at all considering it.
Divorces are tough. And he may just not want to deal with the divorce on top of his injury.
If it matters to you so much, to be totally legal, then that is your preference and if he does not oblige, then leave. BUT you did get involved with him knowing he is still married. And as far as I can tell, he did not make any promises to get his divorce at any given time.
You asked for it, but that does not mean you have to keep it.
It is a matter between your conscience,the possibility he will reconcile his marriage, and how soon you may want to marry him, if that is your aim. You need to reconcile all three of these things.
...............................
|
