A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:this is very long winded so anybody who has the patience to read and answer...thankyou in advance! 5 years ago i started an affair with a married man. at first it was just fun then it got deeper and everybody started getting hurt. eventually 2 years ago he left his wife and came to stay with me-he has never contrubuted to bills or anything, he gives his wife all his money and i pay everything here with my wages etc. since i knew what a sneak he could be and how calculating he could be, i kept my eye on him from the off. he hasnt always proven trustworthy as ive caught him txting the wife on a few occasions. at the weekend he drinks and hes a different person completly, he gets cocky and wants to fight all the time, he seems to stop caring completly. when he is soba, most of the time he is very attentive and sweet. however he isnt romantic and it sometimes feels like a best friend relationship than a loving one.now, we argue i would say about once a week and it is always about trust-there is none. truth be told i wouldnt trust him as far as i could throw him. when i ask him were he has been(if he has been out for a couple of hours with no call) he will turn the tables and accuse me of something. i cant even go to work without him accusing me of flirting. he says im not loyal if i even so much as talk to another man(i work with many men). personally he is not a nice person an anymore. he is a bitter snob and has often embarrased me out in public infront of other people. he thinks nothing of being rude to someone if he doesnt like the look of them. he says we live in a place filled with vermin because of the way they dress. when we argue he calls me a scruff, says things like ''go on then leave, go back to the third world'' his arrogance is ugly.i also find him boring, i have a young son and he treats us both like were oaps! talking to us about the most dull things in life- as if we care who invented the pencil and were they were bought up for heavens sake!!!if i am honest i dont feel like i am in love with him, i have no sexual urge for him, he doesnt attract me anymore because his personality turns me off in several ways.lastnight he accused me of having a hand print on my thigh because apparently i have bruising on my upper thigh in the shape of a hand print! (seriously). what also happened lastnight was that he apparently took his kids out for a meal for hours and didnt bother with so much as a txt message my way all night. when he got in he went on his phone, thismorning he woke up and went straight on his phone- right next to me in bed!i reminded him of this when he was nagging me about this 'hand print'. he made allkinds of axcuses like he always does- everything is always my fault and he has an excuse ready for everything!at the minute he has a seperate place to stay as his busness has a bedroom there so he is staying there tonight and has done a few times in the past. in a months time hhis busness will be sold and he will be with me full time unless i do somehting drastic now....i want to tell him to get himself a flat and stand on his own two feet! i want to tell him that enough is enough, he has to go. yet when i do he doesnt take me seriously, he just says 'yes thats ok i will' because he expects me to go running(which i do everytime, im pathetic)if i dont go running then in a few days he will be on the phone begging and pleading saying he loves me hes sorry...useless words, but i fall for it every time!i cant take it anymore, i want out! im thinking with the timing of his busness etc it has to be now or never, i have to tell him to get his own place before he moves all his things in with me and i end up in a worse state. i feel like ive thrown away 5 good years of my life, 5 good years i could have spent with someone decent!i am so weak and pathetic i need some strengh. i dont have any friends because all they want to do is go clubbing etc i am not particularly close to anybody infact.i went to my doctor a couple of weeks ago and he gave me a weeks worth of anti depressants and asked me to go back a week later/......i spent days trying to get an appointment with no luck so gave up! now im back to square one!has anybody ever been in a similar situation to me and come out the other end?i cant be bothered with any lectures about married men and the past etc that wont help....what i need is advice, helpfull advice!thankyou in advance to anybody who read all of that without smashing their pc!
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affair, best friend, clubbing, flirt, married man, money Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, like I see it  +, writes (20 October 2013):
 Just because he left his wife doesn't mean you owe him anything. You didn't hold a gun to his head and force him to divorce her, and if he's treating you badly you have every right to leave him. Good for you for deciding to remove yourself and your son from a bad situation.
Best wishes :)
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2013): to star off he was cheating on his wife while he was with you that shows how much character he has, he's a good for nothing type, I don't see why you're still wasting your life with this person, just gather his stuff and leave it on the door, change locks etc.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (20 October 2013):
I don't get what the question is... Whatever it is, you already know the answer: leave! Get ghost like Casper!
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (19 October 2013):
 WHAT THE HECK.... ARE YOU doing... spending even another MINUTE with this cretin who you KNOW is an unfaithful man-whore????????
It's obvious, from the tone of your submittal, that you know - full well - how to correct this situation. NOW..... go out and do what you need to do (Dump this creep!!!!!)...
Good luck....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2013): Hi all, i am the OP,
Thankyou all for your answers, im made up to have people say 'yes get rid' rather than 'no you made him leave his wife hes yours' so i am thankfull to everybody for their responses.
time will tell. so far i've stayed strong but i suppose thats because im offically phone-less.
here goes to single life fingers crossed xx
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (19 October 2013):
 It's an attachment type. You are drawn to unhealthy relationships. It's a tendency that is developed in childhood that makes you pursue and chase relationships that are awful for you later in adulthood. It's this same type that typically desires relationships with married men and women where as most others would not go there because they wouldn't tolerate sharing their partner with someone else for more than half a second. Also, cheaters like him and many others are their own unhealthy type and seek out men and women like you and live like parasites off of them because they know they can. It's a certain unhealthy dynamic that go together. And rather than doing what an emotionally healthy adult would do, and leave once your needs aren't being met and are being treated badly, you wind up staying and excusing his poor behavior and convincing yourself that if you can just make him change how he treats you, you will be worthy of love and feel validated.
A healthy adult knows they are being treated badly and knows what they deserve from their partner. and when they don't receive it, they respect and love themselves enough to leave and find it in someone else. You sound like you know you don't deserve this treatment and know you don't want to deal with it, you just haven't gotten to the point where you're enforcing it. You've got to love yourself enough to stop this. you are worthy of being treated fairly and with respect. You are worthy of love with a man who is not a cheater and who will treat you right. love yourself and respect yourself enough to let this piece of shit go and demand to be treated the way you deserve. Don't go back to any unhealthy relationships. No more married or attached men. no more cheaters. And if a guy starts to treat you poorly, put your foot down and stop it before it starts. you have to love yourself first and know what you are worth.
Hopefully you do realize now is the time. It can't wait. So do it. Have faith in yourself. it won't be easy. It's gonna hurt. but it will get better. it always does. And learn from this. Learn what is healthy and unhealthy. and make steps to avoid the unhealthy at all cost.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (19 October 2013):
 Well, then you REALLY need to sit down and try and figure out why you put up with it. Is that something you want your kids to learn?
You know the saying, monkey see, monkey do? Kids learn a LOT from their parents. Good and bad.
Focus on your child and yourself. Once you feel like you can put this man in your past completely, don't date.
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A
female
reader, Brokenv  +, writes (19 October 2013):
All I have to say is. What about your child? He is seeing all this crap. He is living in a very unhealthy enviroment. He out of all people does not deserve this.
Get assistance and or professional help to help you deal with your insecurities. Move on and learn from this. I don't care how this relationship started. Take ownership and be strong. Tell him your done. Tell him you want no contact with him. You are tired of being treated poorly.
Good Luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2013): I am the OP......
I know for sure it is now or never, I just don't have much faith in myself to keep it up. he is still txting me saying all cruel things and I know he just doesnt give a stuff right now.
I sold my phone literally 5 minutes ago, it was purposely done so that i wouldn't be able to contact anybody. I txt him one last time to let him know this and what i got back was
'ok thats your choice go for it thats ok'
he just doesn't care at all.
i know i am being used and i hate him yet i am addicted to going back and being treated like dirt!!! i don't understand why i put up with it all the time.
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A
female
reader, banditsmom1124 +, writes (19 October 2013):
 if i were you id pack his stuff and leave it on the porch!!! he sounds like a bully/selfish baby! if he refuses to leave call the police...if possible have someone there while you tell him to get out.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (19 October 2013):
My guess - he was always this much of a douche. You just didn't see this part of him, because he was busy getting in your knickers.
I know you posted you don't want to hear it but maybe you do. The whole WOE is me could have been 100% avoided. Or it's just plain Karma. You reap what you sow.
Kick him out - tell him to go take care of himself.
Start over and LEARN from this. If a guy is married, stay away, it's not going to end well for you (or him). STOP wasting any more time on this joker.
You know what to do, you just choose not to do it. I wonder why. Do you think because you "won" him, you have to keep him? You know, you don't, right? Kick him out, block his bloody number and ignore the SOB - move on.
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