A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend and I have been going out for about 4 years now, since she was 17 and I was 18. We were both virgins (if that matters at all). We have amazing sex and often use toys, ties, etc. There is however one shameful problem with our sex life. Since the first attempt I have found myself loving anal sex. The girlfriend however does not. We do try very occasionally, perhaps once every 4 months but it usually stops abruptly. I have read a lot on the topic and do go as slow as I can, use plenty of Durex play lube and have tried to ease her into it with smaller things such as a finger but when we try she'd rather 'get it over with' and go straight for the penis. Should also mention that she does often like a finger, 2 or even 3 when I'm preforming oral sex on her (I do stimulate when we're trying anal).At first this wasn't a big deal but I'm becoming more obsessed with it and am finding it hard to sleep as it's all I think about. I have tried talking but it doesn't ever seem like she wants to. So, 1. Is there anyway I can somehow stop liking anal? 2. Is there someway she might like it? We have tried a lot but maybe there's something we're doing wrong or something else I can try. I do love this girl and find it very stupid but this is becoming a serious issue for me and our relationship at the moment.
View related questions:
anal sex, both virgins, oral sex, sex life Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (13 April 2016):
 Check out http://yourbrainonporn.com for help with letting go of watching the porn stuff.
As for the aversion therapy, studies have shown you don’t actually have to do anything physical. You just need to become aware of your thought patterns. The thing is that you actually do have to want to break a habit. You don’t, methinks.
The bottom line (ar ar) is that the one who is the receptive partner in a proposed penetrative sex act is the one who gets to decide what does or doesn’t work for them. So while she may be okay with a bit of twiddle with a few fingers while enjoying oral sex, she doesn’t want to have penis in anus sex.
I think it’s good news that you will not pressure her for anal sex in the future. I do hope you can get your obsessive thought patterns on this under control, it’s such a pity when people are so ruled by porn they lose the real connection to their partner.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi again folks. To the last writer, yes 3 fingers is only a small bit less wide then my penis. I've always wondered why my tongue makes such a difference. With a vibrator she is still uncomfortable but you may have some good points in there. Thanks so much for the answer! This will be my last reply to my question so I'll give you a few updates. Firstly, I have been trying to watch anal a lot less. I won't lie. It hasn't been very successful but I will keep trying. Can't find any sort of aversion kit and based on the things I've read about the practice I'm not sure I want to. After hearing about this question, my girlfriend actually read it. We had a big talk and she said that she's never cared that I like anal and that if I asked her more she would be up for doing it. However, I'm not going to do that. She may not see it but I think a lot of you would agree that that would be pressuring. Now that it's more out in the open I feel better about the whole situation. If she offers it, I won't lie - I'll do it in a heartbeat but I love her enough to ignore my impulses for the foreseeable future. Thank you everyone for all you're help. - Arsehead signing out
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2016): Dude, you're not a terrible person! If anything you are a caring person coz you asked the amazing question: is there a way for me to stop liking anal?
What jumped out at me was that you said your gf likes up to 3 fingers in her bottom while you perform oral. Isn't that close to the size of your willy?
Maybe you could try shallow anal while she uses a vibrator on herself? Good sex in a LTR often involves compromise.
I have the feeling that self-administered aversion therapy is not a great idea, but I may be wrong. You may end up liking ball stimulation whilst having anal thoughts!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOP again, once again I'd like to thank everyone for their answers. I do feel more ashamed reading some of the responses and do realise that perhaps I'm not a good person. In response to anonymous on watching porn - I do quite a bit, I won't lie, and I will try to ween that out. Thank you. In response to Thisa - Thank you for the reply. I do honestly believe I'm obsessed with it. Believe me, I'm not proud of it; coming home tonight and reading the replies made me cry at the horrible human I am being. Your aversion therapy idea seems like the first actual suggest that could help me quit my cravings. I am currently following your link and might buy a device online. I'll keep you all updated. Thank you so much, and sorry for any anger I have caused any readers or respondents.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (6 April 2016):
You’re liking anal or you are obsessed with it? There’s a bit of a difference there. I like peppers but they don’t like me back, as the saying goes. So I don’t eat them. No big deal. I’m not obsessed with the peppers to the extent that I eat them despite the resulting misery.
You sound obsessed with it, and perhaps one way for you to go on this is with aversion therapy. Put some little electrodes on your balls and give yourself a little ZAP every time you think about anal. After a week of that, you probably will associate anal with something very negative.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aversion_therapy
I found through a simple google search that there are wristbands designed to give a mild electric shock when a certain behavior occurs. You could strap one of those on. There are also shock boxes you can DIY. Again, a simple google search.
As it does sound like a full-blown obsession, and not merely a case of “liking” it, you could explore the situation with a psychologist or psychiatrist.
So is it just a simple case of liking something you can’t have? Or is it really something obsessive and compulsive that will need proper treatment?
...............................
A
female
reader, jls022 +, writes (6 April 2016):
Being honest OP, you sound like a spoiled child. You've been told you can't have this one specific thing, so now it's the ONLY thing you want. Your attitude comes across as entitled quite frankly. You say you want to stop feeling this way, but actually you wouldn't be letting this eat you up so much if you didn't deep down believe you're missing out on something you feel you are entitled to have. We can't always get what we want OP - grown ups know and accept that, children pout and whine about how unfair it is.You're also wrong when you say you're not pressuring your girlfriend. You are buying lube and trying to get some sort of anal play into every sexual encounter you have (your own words) when you know she doesn't like it. You also tell her every time you are 'stressed out' about it, so trust me, she knows that you're disappointed almost every time you have sex. God love her it sounds like she's really tried for you, and you repay her by making her feel like crap. I've been in that situation and it's only a matter of time before you kill her sex drive totally. She'll dread it because she'll associate it with stress rather than pleasure.I'm afraid there's no 'off switch' for this OP. All I can suggest is you start to shift your thinking round to everything you do have with your girlfriend rather than the one thing she won't do. Or leave her and find a woman that likes it (few and far between in my experience). Or get an 'ass' shaped fleshlight and quit making the poor woman do something she hates.Honestly, it's stuff like this that makes so many women hate porn.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (6 April 2016):
 If you keep buying lubes and rubbing the area you ARE pressuring her - it's NON verbal pressure.
There is no off-switch for liking things, but there IS an OFF switch in pushing for it and starting to respect her and WHAT she told you. She told you, I DON'T like it.
I would love if my kids liked liver, but they don't. Doesn't mean I keep buying it and chopping it into the spaghetti sauce to get them to eat it. No, I respect that it's NOT to their liking or taste. And that is OK.
IT's perfectly OK to LIKING things your partner doesn't. It's pretty normal that two people have different taste in things. However WHY not focus on what you BOTH like and have fun with that?
The fact that she "allows" you to still touch her bum is because SHE loves you and while she doesn't WANT to do anal she feels she HAS to allow the touching in hopes that you STOP there. I know SO many young women who do things sexually in hopes of keeping their partner happy and in hopes HE won't stray. It's how girls are raised. To PLEASE people. Even if they DO NOT like to do the things.
If you read the amount of "my BF/fiance/husband want a 3-some but I don't" here on DC - you would see that so many women are more worried about losing their BF than RESPECTING their own boundaries.
So in short. ACCEPT that she isn't into butt-play. Find other things to to and enjoy. It's that simple. The mind will follow.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2016): In all honesty there's no way your girlfriend is going to start liking anal sex. She's already said she doesn't, end of. No amount of coercion is going to change that. I'm guessing she keeps trying just to please you since you said "When I do get stressed about it (anal sex) I do tell her as that's honest." Yes it's honest but it isn't thoughtful or caring and it puts pressure on her. I have no doubt she's aware of how obsessed you are.Try thinking about what about anal sex obsesses you so much. If it's how tight it is. Why does that matter so much? If women felt that way then we'd all be fighting over every man with a big penis. We aren't so it's not that big a deal is it?I'm guessing you have watched/watch a lot of porn. If so I'd lay off it as it is desensitising and it encourages people to up the anti. Also why not try abstaining for a bit and maybe you'll enjoy sex more when you do have it.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (6 April 2016):
 Dude, just enjoy your fantasy alone with a porn. Your girl does not get pleasure out of it. You wouldnt like it if the roles were reversed. So realize its not gonna happen with her (and really, i have not met any girl who likes anal, so it will not happen with anyone else either).
But do enjoy your fetish / fantasy! Just enjoy it without penetrating her. Live it out, but adjust it to what is possible.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOP here. Firstly I'd like to thank both of you for your answers. However, I feel both of you have missed my actual question. I don't want to like anal as much as I do. I do want an off switch to get it out of my head. I do everything not to pressure my girlfriend. I leave it as an option by buying different lubes. It is she that suggests it when we try. When I do get stressed about it I do tell her as that's honest. I don't ask her to do it, I rub the area occasionally and do use fingers. Half the time she loves it, half the time she doesn't. When she doesn't I stop immediately. I came here for help and while I do appreciate the criticism but I wish it was a little more constructive. I do love my girlfriend very much and I take offense to the notion that I don't. Again thank you so much guys. I can't help that I want this and I'm looking for any sort of solution. Thank you
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (6 April 2016):
Oh, BrownWolf just server you a dish of truth, OP. And I think you need to listen.
You DO come off as thinking that what YOU want sexually is WAY more important that her, and what she wants.
OK, so she was adventurous enough to try anal with you, but since SHE is the one being PENETRATED in the ass, and she is the ONE who doesn't enjoy it, as a LOVER you need to respect that you are NOT going to get MORE anal from her. And you NEED to respect that.
I doubt it's something either of you are doing wrong. MANY women DO not enjoy it, many women tolerate it and some do enjoy it - your GF is in the DO NOT enjoy it category.
If doing anal is more important than having a great GF and an otherwise great sex life - then end it and walk away. DO NOT pressure her for more anal sex.
The think about sex, that you SHOULD know by now, is that it's about BOTH people in the bed's pleasure, NOT just yours.
Let's say your GF reads an article about slapping the partner in the face as he is about to come. And wants to try it. So you do. And you DO NOT like being slapped in the face, but she does. SHE gets OFF on it. She will actually rather sit on your chest and slap the shot out of you than have sex. When you tell her no, I don't really like that, she pouts, begs and pleads - tries to manipulate you into taking some more hits to the face.
SEX starts to become something you dread. you want to have it less and less. You don't feel respected or loved. YOU are "killing" her libido.
THAT is what you are doing to her.
MANY MANY men like anal sex because it is tighter than a vagina. It's NOT a muscle like the vagina that open up when aroused, it doesn't produce lubricant like the vagina and thus feel muck tighter on the penis. But to the woman it might feel painful, it might feel VERY uncomfortable, and let's not forget that some women and men just don't anything UP their rear end.
BUT no matter how GREAT it is for you, that doesn't mean she OWES you to do anal EVER again.
SEX is no about HER pleasing you. It SHOULD be about mutual pleasure and enjoyment.
Time for you grow up, and stop thinking life is a porn where the woman is the sexual PROP to please the man.
...............................
A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (6 April 2016):
Here is a big fat lie and a pain the arse... "I do love this girl"
You don't love her one bit...You love anal sex more than you love her.... Want proof??? Your own words...
You start off with "We have amazing sex" Not she is beautiful, thoughtful, amazing personality, respectful, smart, hard working, caring...etc....oh no...those qualities have no value...but the sex...oh yes.
"I have found myself loving anal sex." Or more to the point... "loving anal sex."
You did not say you found yourself loving your girlfriend more. Look here " I have read a lot on the topic"...ON what ? Anal sex...not how to be a good loving boyfriend. How to care for a woman...oh no...that would make too much sense.
"I'm becoming more obsessed with it" Really ??? You still think you love her?? How about "finding it hard to sleep as it's all I think about." Bet you don't find it hard to sleep because you love her so much ??
"becoming a serious issue for me and our relationship at the moment."....Yes my man....break up with her because you cannot have what you want...That is very mature and manly.
No one is asking you to stop liking anal...but love the woman FIRST...who gave you the opportunity.
What the hell is wrong with men today ??? I am mad because me girlfriend won't do this or that in bed...You are freaking lucky to have a woman to go to bed with, let alone anal.
You ever think that maybe she sees how much more you love her butt more than her, and it is turning her off ???
Yes I hope it becomes a problem...Because maybe she will leave you for a man who cares for her FIRST, and give him all the anal sex he wants...and love it.
I say this a lot...All men have two heads...most of us use the wrong one.
It's never about the sex...it is always how you get to the sex. Appreciate what she offers, not what you think you should have.
Want her to have more anal ? Then love the woman more, and love anal less. When she feels loved for who she is, then she may give you more of what you want...Even if she never give you anal again...small price for a good woman.
...............................
|
