A
male
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:Well, semi ex gf. We dated and she kept insisting she wanted a relationship though I wasn't sure because she was really flaky and kept cancelling and rescheduling on me, provoking me by telling me how much of a handful she was, insulting me and telling me to "get a life" because I work hard then saying I was oversensitive, etc. She ended up having an ex bf (who looked like me and seemed like the "one who got away" - she even once ordered me a drink he liked by mistake) coming to "just stay over" at her place for a few nights because he was visiting our city, and they wanted to go for a drive. Apparently they had a lot of drama back in the day and even argued when we were dating. Again, she kept trying to gaslight me, saying they were "just being friends," etc. and I called her on this because she wouldn't listen to me about my feelings, and ended things and went no contact on her. She tried to talk to me a few times and come up and be nice and smiley, I just stared at her blankly, didn't even hate which I think got to her. She was the attention seeking gossipy sort.This was back in January, I haven't seen her since lockdown began. So for 4-5 months. I've been dating other girls and then just being productive.I just saw her back in the university gym again, with a female friend (whom I actually semi know, have seen around at parties and said hi to). They started using the mats next to where I was lifting weights and then my ex pointed me out to the other girl and started REALLY trash talking me, saying that I had been controlling, was "a dick", she wouldn't shut up about it. I even saw her in another area of the gym half an hour later and she was still going on about me, saying "There's no point talking about (me), he's very closed minded." I'm annoyed b/c her female friend is close to some of my close friends and I don't want it going round that I'm some kind of controlling guy.She wouldn't shut up about it. I was just trying to go about the gym and do my own thing. I looked up a few times and saw her smirking at me and staring hard, I just ignored her though.Should I keep on ignoring her even if she keeps staring me down? Or should I tell her off or speak to the gym manager/staff? Why does she have to start drama? All I did was stick t o my guns on her hanging out with her ex boyfriend she didn't seem over, I was entitled to do that. In fact she's the one who kind of ended it b/c at the time I sent the final text she was barely texting me herself despite me pleading with her to just be up front with me.
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female
reader, Ciar  + ♥, writes (9 August 2020):
 I'd ride this one out. The woman, as you observed very early on, is unstable, and lacking in character and maturity.
Reduce the times you might bump into her, remain calm, and let her spend herself. She will eventually exhaust herself and annoy the people she's with.
Plus, if your behaviour is seen to be calm, mature and courteous (not nicey nice, just formal courteous) people will be more likely to question her version of events (not openly, but quietly in their heads).
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2020): Did you really stop and think before you wrote your post? A high school kid would have easily handled this one. He would have just ignored her; and would have kept ignoring her, until she dried-up and fell-off! No dramatization required, simply do it.
There are some things that demand a reaction and a response; and then there are others you simply ignore, because it's the adult thing to do.
You insisted on going-out with some female you've quickly determined to be a wack-job. Once you get red-flags (i.e. cancellation of two+ dates; arguing with her ex while, on a date with you); you should have instantly concluded she's a flake, and potentially trouble down the road. You should have wished her well when she cancelled another date; and then gone about your life! Why should she care about your feelings?!! You were not officially in a relationship. You were barely dating! She's still with her ex. He spends the night with her, and they go for rides. In my time, that was called a date.
In the future, you don't allow things to get heated; or have exchanges with wackos. They are not operating on full brain-capacity! They act and speak on impulse! They believe thinking before speaking is a mind-trick!
You get all rattled and shookup over the preschool kindergarten-tactics employed by a text-book female-nutcase; especially, after you've witnessed her and an ex going at it...while you're both on a date!!! SMH! She's whispering in the ear of another girl about you; and still talking about you across the schoolyard! You couldn't just rise above the drama; you had to engage, to see what full-throttle nutty-buddy wackiness looks like!
Well now...seems you got more than you bargained for!
Dude, you are a grown-ass man! You are 22 years-old, and you still get upset about mean-girls gossiping about you??? You develop your immunity to that in primary school! During your prepubescent-development! Sticks and stones, as it were!
Do your friends not know you well enough not to listen to somebody spreading rumors and lies that sound completely out of character?
You throw gasoline on the fire when you confront wackos! She's doing silly schoolgirl things like pointing at you, and talking to girls who don't know you from Adam! Once you supposedly stood there blank-faced; while she tried to speak to you. The adult thing to do is say "hello," smile, and keep stepping!
Let her spread rumors. Once you get a "bad-boy" image; girls will flock to you! They'll want to see if she's telling the truth about you. Most who know her, know she's usually the trouble-maker in the mix; and don't believe anything she says anyway. They just like to hear gossip! In one ear and out the other! If they think you're cute or hot; nothing she can say will deter them from checking you out. Bad-boys are girl-magnets! Just don't be a prick, and live-up to the lies!
Let her gossip all she likes. Man-up and let this nonsense lose steam.
It's only drama as long as you give her a reaction. She likes the attention and commotion she's stirring-up. Trying to look popular with cute-guys! Like she's beating them away with a stick, and they just keep coming!
YOU be the man, and let her be the bratty little-girl who can't keep a boyfriend. She wants to get the word-out about you, before you get the word-out about her! Only, wackos already have a well-established reputation of being wackos; because their behavior is always on display. She has an ex, remember? This is all just side-drama, because he dumped her! Do nice people spread lies, gossip, and rumors about people?
FYI, women easily see through other women; and those who know her take her words with a grain of salt. Why would they believe things about you, if they don't know you? Why would you even care if you don't even know them? She thinks she's draining your dating pool. She's doing just the opposite.
Stay as far-away as you can. Go the opposite direction when you see her coming. Block, delete, and forget you've ever met! If she gets up in your grill...be an adult! Say hello, and keep stepping! If you get cornered, exchange no words; other than excuse yourself, and leave the scene.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (7 August 2020):
 Don't tell me that you are seriously considering to speak to the gym/manager about this girl ?! my, THEN you'd prove her totally right !
Look, you have no control about what other people think or say about you , and you should not try to gain it. Unless, of course,if it's damage-provoking enough to become slander and allow you legal recourse against it. ...But I don't think you 'd want to press charges, or sue her, because she talks about you to her friend, right ?
She is, btw, free to convey her opinion about you, even if she is doing it in a tasteless way. Maybe she really, honestly thinks that you are an overbearing, controlling individual, because, in her book , having a visiting friend sleeping over is no infraction to any special rule of coupledom, and if you are mistrustful guy with a suspicious mind, - that's your problem, not hers.
Or, maybe, she was actually shagging her ex bf , and now she is trying to save face by blaming you. Either way, she did not sign a " no disclosure " agreement !, she CAN say that she thinks you are close minded, when talking to her friend.
Would you call the manager if you had overheard her saying great things about you , what great bf you were and how much she misses you ? No , right ? So why do you want " authority " to intervene ,instead,when you hear something not so great said about you ? Who are you.... Meghan Markle in disguise ? :)
Why the mutual friend should " start rumors " about you ? And how ? She has no proof, it would be just an opinion, and second -hand too, it would be hearsay. Are your friends so.... unfriendly that , as soon as anybody says something not so positive about you.... they automatically clap and cheer, and assume is true ?... Change friends. And, are you sure that these friends of friends would be even interested in discussing you and your possible flaws as romantic partner ? .. It's not all about you , most probably they would not care one way or the other !
.. The best revenge is living well. And having fun. And enjoying your work out as if nothing had happened.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (7 August 2020):
 OP, first thing you have to REMEMBER and ACCEPT is that you have ABSOLUTELY no control over what other people say, do, feel or think. ABSOLUTELY no control.
Second thing, it's OVER with her and you dodged a bullet. She sounds immature and somewhat idiotic.
If you work out and she starts talking shit about you look at her and shake your head. But DO NOT engage in drama with her. And then IGNORE her. I wouldn't even be "polite" and not to her or say hi - I would POINT blank IGNORE her. Once she figures out that she can't rattle and upset you or get you engaged in drama she will (hopefully) move on. And guess what? SHE will look like the IDIOT to the whole gym.
Why do I not suggest you change gyms or your work out times? Because it makes you LOOK like SHE is telling the truth and you are hiding. You have NOTHING to hide from. I would however, avoid the areas she is in, just because there is no real point in being around or near her. If she "stares" at you, what then? IGNORE HER. She can, honestly, stare at whomever she pleases. I would probably make a point of NOT looking at her AS much as possible if at all. Talk to other people there, like the typical hello, how are you? small talk that happens in a gym. While I get you are upset over this you NEED to FAKE that you just DO NOT give a shit. Pretend that she is invisible.
Even better if you have anyone to work out with - male or female friends work out with them. You won't be such an "easy" target if you are not alone.
As for the girl she was with... she might ask people who ACTUALLY know you and they might set her straight. She might not ask and think you are a total dick and you know what? WHO CARES?! If she is a friend of this drama-chick and believes EVERYTHING out of her mouth.. ? NOTHING you can do.
She was "grand-standing" in front of the girl because you were alone and she knows you are not one for telling her to shut her dumb mouth. It would have been harder for her to do if you had a friend there. Because she only want to create drama with you. It can also be that the girl mentioned that she thought you were cute, so she had to nix that. Scorned women and all that.
You ask why she is doing this? Because you didn't bend over and kissed her ass and let her walk all over you. You had some boundaries SHE didn't like. And maybe... you didn't want all the drama that SHE enjoys. She is hooked on drama and when she has none.... she creates it.
BE very aware of this one because she WILL try and get you in hot water for her OWN gain. If you ENGAGE verbally with her, she gets her drama. So don't.
As for the staff at the gym? It's not really their job to be playground monitors and stop her from trying to bully you. You are an adult now.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (6 August 2020):
 Your real friends will know you well enough to know this woman is just trying to smear your reputation. Most of her friends will also probably know she is trouble and will ignore what she says. Just because her friend was listening to her doesn't mean she didn't know this woman is trouble or that she believed anything this woman was telling her. Often people will nod along, just to placate someone like your ex, rather than because they agree with anything they say. I have done the same myself on many occasions with different people. I have then walked away and thought "idiot" and tried to forget all about the situation.
There's not a lot of point in involving the gym staff in this little drama. What would you say? My ex is trying to wind me up by telling her friends lies about me? It is not their responsibility to manage your love life nor to stop someone talking about you.
Can you go to a different gym? Can you go at different times so as to keep away from your ex? I know you shouldn't have to but sometimes we have to be the bigger person and realize our peace of mind is more important than other things.
Your ex is obviously trying to get a rise out of you. Don't give her the satisfaction. Keep away from her as much as possible and, eventually, like the child she is, she will get bored and move on to something new.
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A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit +, writes (6 August 2020):
 My goodness, you'd think people would leave this kind behaviour in the playground at infant school where it belongs wouldn't you?
Personally, I think you need to set the example and show her how an adult handles situations like this. Ignore it.
I know that sounds weird but any other course of action makes you look controlling and desperate and all the things she's apparently saying.
People who know you and who are your real friends will know she's lying if she says anything to them and if they don't and then ask you about it then you can put them straight.
Personally I think that you ignoring her will drive her crazy because she's clearly trying to get a response out of you, so rise above it.
Try and avoid the gym when she's there and if you can't then do your work out in another area and pay her no mind. If you end up passing each other, just nod politely in recognition, say hi and carry on walking. If she tries to talk to you, be polite but make your excuses and leave.
When she sees that she's not getting a reaction from you, I think she'll get bored and find drama elsewhere.
I think you've had a very lucky escape if I'm honest, this woman sounds like she'd be a real handful.
I hope this helps AB x
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