A
female
age
26-29,
*achelAdams9900
writes:Me and my boyfriend have just broke up after a year, things were great when we first met it was like I found someone not who I only find attracted but is smart, hilarious and very good looking, And I was extremely comfortable around him and I could trust him everything was amazing, until 6 months later.. My ex has depression and I felt like when he would drink he would kind of go off the radar, there would be times 4-6 months after meeting where he would have rages, flip out on me and upset me by calling me horrible names, then breaking down and being suicidal. Which then makes me very upset. This all took its toll, we got him some help and he went on to antidepressants which they seem to be doing some sort of trick. Fast forward another couple months and now I’m starting to feel a bit distant, like you know he can be the nicest guy to me and give me anything I wanted and almost suffocate me in a way, with his love, he did let me move in with him when I had no job rent free but would always kind of use that against in my in arguments , I felt like i was taken away from my friends and family, I felt like I wasn’t me anymore, and the more I was with him I think the less attracted I may have felt to him? Was it because of how we acted 6 months ago to as why I feel this way now? Has the name calling and late night arguments made me feel a bit less for you?So last week, it became the end I tried explaining to him that I felt like something was missing and I wasn’t too sure what, my head was all over the place because I was starting to feel low myselff, baring in mind this is my first ever proper relationship so I’m feeling all sorts of emotions, he was upset and cried .. I moved back to my mums which is 30 mins away and on my way home he sent me a worrying text like a suicidal text so when I got to my mums I rang the police to check on him as I’m over 30 minutes away they would be there quicker than me and his family live far away, I wasn’t too sure if he actually meant the text or not but my god I felt so guilty. So yesterday After work I went over to the house as I still had some stuff there (I still work in the area he lives in) and he seemed like he had been starting Drinking, we kind of said you know it’s done, which I am trying to accept even though I do love him deeply and care about him, the more I stayed the more he was drinking, he then mentioned he was having some friends and girls over tomorrow, I don’t know if he was trying to make me jealous but he basically said he needs to find someone else to get over me, it’s only been a week, I have no interest Myself to even consider anyone else so I feel like he has no respect for me there, and it’s really upset me the thought of him with someone else, which I told him. He tried it on with me before I left which I said no to because it would make things so ouch worse, I just told him that he needs time to heal and time for his own space and look after himself to see what he truly wants, I’ve never had to deal with a break up so intense like this before, much help would be appreciated thank you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2020): This man is abusive. Drunk or not. Mentally ill or not. There is a saying about abuse, "Alcohol does not cause abuse, nor sobriety cure it."
This ex is abusive because of his entitled mind set and his attitude towards women. It took only six months for you to see the real him, name calling and angry rages. This behaviour has no place in a mature, balanced, loving relationship. This man can NEVER give you that.
He is manipulative. In your relatively short post you provided two clear examples. One, that he will kill himself if you leave...he's still alive is he not? And two, that he is going to have girls round to get over you. Well, that had the desired effect didn't it?
Start to see him for what he is, a good-looking areshole. IF he is genuinely depressed, suicidal etc, (which I serioulsy doubt) then all the better you left. You are not his paid therapist and if he needs one, then he should get himself one. YOU are not it. And if you carry on believing all this rubbish he spouts to get his own way, well then you will need a therapist too soon.
When dealing with men, you need to learn to not believe everything they say, to begin with, especially if they show abusive behaviour as yours did. He will be absolutely fine and you did exactly the right thing by leaving. You can't fix him, he wants to behave this way towards any woman he has in his life. Your breakup is intense because he has made it that way...on purpose!! Abusive men keep EVERYTHING intense in the relationship, to prevent you from thinking about anything other than him. And that had already started to happen hadn't it? You say you lost yourself. Nothing an abusive men likes better than for you to lose yourself and to stop concentrating on yourself, because he wants to be the sole subject of your thoughts, actions and daily life. Don't believe me? Then read, 'Why Does He Do That?' by Professor Lundy Bancroft who enlightens about abuse with his experience and brilliant writing. If you read this book and I strongly suggest that you do to empower yourself against this kind of relationship in the future, then you will recognise your boyfriend's behaviour on nearly every page. He almost played you. Your gut instinct told you to get out. You did the right thing. Well done.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2020): My dear, do your very best not to get caught-up in the drama; don't be manipulated by his threats to off himself, or start dating other women. People suffering mental-illness also use their mental-disorder as excuses, and tools to get people to cater to their whims or demands.
You are very young, and you're going through something painful and very emotional; so following-through on our advice won't be easy. You have to go "no contact;" and stop finding excuses to go back to his place. You didn't really go back for your things; you could have taken all your stuff in a single-day, or by the following day. You left things behind for an excuse to check/snoop and see what he's up-to. If it's not for one reason, you will find another. Now you're stuck, because he told you he's having some girls over. If he was in such a bad state, why would he be throwing a party? He's drinking, and you know how he gets when he does that. Even more reason you have no business being there. He can drink and indulge as he pleases in his own home.
Don't compare how other people deal with life-issues to how you deal with them. You come from different backgrounds, have different upbringings, you are woman, and he is a man. Men and women do not handle emotional-matters exactly the same-way; although we have the same human-emotions and feelings. He is verbally-abusive, and this is just more of his psychological-abuse meant to upset you. He struggles with mental-illness; that doesn't mean he's stupid, and can't be caustic or manipulative too! He can always use his illness to dismiss his bad-behavior; because you lack the experience and maturity to know any better. Now you are beginning to feel the emotional-affects of his abuse. You were wise to leave; but don't second-guess yourself!
Now I have to be frank and somewhat blunt. You can't always reason with people suffering mental-illness; because their judgement is impaired by their mental-disorder. They are forced to function and cope with life-challenges; while struggling with cognitive-disorder, emotional-maladjustment, and a lack of impulse-control. They can't always reach the level of reason and composure as someone with no apparent mental-health impairments.
You are also allowing yourself to over-dramatize the depth of your romantic-connection to this guy. Young-love is rarely as intense as those caught-up in it may see it. He's your first serious-relationship; and everything that goes wrong will be seen largely out of proportion. That's what makes young-love as exciting as it is. It's learning through trial and error; and it also requires maturity, and demands using your commonsense. Not just completely surrendering to your emotions.
You have to comedown out of the clouds! Be sensible and level-headed. Your relationship is not one that has been established over several years; it was basically just getting started, before his true-colors came-out. It had to end, because your boyfriend has too many problems to carry-on a healthy-relationship. He is also somewhat toxic. That isn't all attributed to his mental-illness, it also has a lot to do with his character and personality.
You're glossing this over, and refusing to see things for what they are; because you are romanticizing and overcome with a fantasized-notion of love. If it doesn't feel right, you always end-up hurt, and you are frequently injured physically or emotionally...that is not love!!! You don't exchange your deep-felt feelings for his abuse!!! Learn now, before this becomes an established-pattern in your behavior; when you're dealing with romantic-ties to menfolk. Always their doormat or whipping-post. I don't care what their mental-health is...A BAD-MAN IS A BAD-MAN!!! People with mental-disability do not get a free-pass to abuse others! There are jails and correction-institutions for them too! Even God will not accept the excuse that the devil made you do it! If it gets so bad you can't help it; then you must not subject others to it. You seek help, and you must avoid romantic-relationships; until you can handle them without getting too sick. You never give-in to threats of people committing suicide. You call their family, and notify the police that someone has threatened to harm themselves. They will send help for them. Never take anyone's life into your own hands. You will place guilt on yourself for the rest of your life! Believing you could have prevented it; when there is nothing you can do, if they seriously intend to do it. They rarely announce it, if that's what they plan to do! There are exceptions, but that's not up-to you to be held hostage by.
Just because you love him, does not mean he reciprocates your love with the sincerity, depth, and sensitivity that you are able to offer it to him. He is now your ex, and you must move on. He functioned and survive before you were in his life; and I guarantee, he will do-so from hereafter. If you don't move-on, you will be trapped in a very toxic-connection; and you will also suffer from emotional-disorder and trauma due to his abuse.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (5 August 2020):
 EDIT:
And you CERTAINLY should stay and be his verbal punching bag either.
SHOULD of course be :
And you CERTAINLY shouldn't stay and be his verbal punching bag either.
Sorry, for that typo!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2020): This guy has serious issues. He likes to manipulate people using guilt and sympathy. But you could easily become his enabler if you are not careful. He clicks his fingers with a text that says what it needs to so that you come running or help and you obey. Once you are not a couple why obey? You are single he is single. His problems are not your problems. He should have sorted out this enormous issue before he got into a relationship in the first place. He is too broken to be with someone. He has to be whole before he can be a good boyfriend or partner. He wants you to be his therapist and whipping post.
All break ups can be intense, it is part of being an adult and growing up. Join the club. You say he is good looking. So what? If he was that great you would still be with him. My guy is just average looking, but he would never try to manipulate me or drink a lot, never cause me problems or push his problems onto me, that is worth a thousand times more than what he looks like. I had a friend once who had a "good looking" husband. I found out years later that he regularly raped her and beat her. So much for being with a wow good looking guy.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (5 August 2020):
Of course it feels so intense!
You have been on a crazy rollercoaster this last year! Imagine you have NEVER been to an amusement park, but you know what a roller coaster is. Then you get put on the biggest craziest one and you cling on for dear life. Then wheels fall off and you try and fix it, it's only a temporarily fix but you still try, then the wiring is also faulty and it gives you shocks as well as scare the fire out of you, yet you stay on board, but you become aware that things a falling apart and the initial thrill you got when going ON the ride is just not there.
So you get off. And for the next while you will feel a little disorientated.
You ex-BF is this rollercoaster and the ride has been your relationship. YOUR very first relationship that was ... well doomed out the gate. Because HE isn't healthy or mentally stable. For HIM to have healthy relationship he need to TAKE care of his own health. Mental health.
So you were RIGHT to leave. You can not (and ARE not) responsible for his choices and actions. YOU absolutely did the right thing in telling him he needs to work on himself and you did the right thing when you left, and when you called the police when he tried to emotionally blackmail with a suicide threat. Gold stars for you. Sure it doesn't FEEL great to walk away from this guy, but YOU can not fix him, nor should you try. And you CERTAINLY should stay and be his verbal punching bag either.
My advice is to CUT all forms of contact. You can't BE his friend and he can't be yours. YOU need to move on too.
Don't feel tempted to go back in 6 months if he tells you he is all better. Or if he makes promises. You need to consider YOUR own mental health and YOUR future.
And learn from this, OP If some has a "rage" or "flip out" HE IS NOT someone you would want as a partner. EVER. Despite being handsome and cute and funny and smart.
IT IS NOT your job (EVER) to "fix" your partner's issues. If they are too overwhelming for you, then walk away sooner rather than later. IT IS OK to want a healthy partner. IT IS OK to want a partner who respects you and treats you right, who DOESN'T "flip out" and abuse you verbally. It's OK to have a standard and to walk away if you find he isn't what you would like in a partner.
You need to learn from this, taking a "break" from a relationship WILL NOT (let me repeat) WILL NOT fix the underlying issues. You can't erase the past. You can't unring a bell.
Cut the contact and work on letting go and moving forward in life.
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A
male
reader, kenny + ♥, writes (4 August 2020):
 It sounds like this relationship had run its course, and i think that you calling it a day and moving out and back to your mums was the best decision you could have made.
Break up are never easy, especially in the beginning, all i can say is that although it does not feel like it now things will get better, time is the healer of all things.
You lost love and feelings for him, yes it could have been because of the flip outs, the late night arguments, the name calling etc. These are things that are always going to stay in your memory. I think its important now to try and look forward now and not back.
You do't have kids with him, assuming you are not tied into a house/mortgage with him, so really there is nothing stopping you from moving on with your life and forgetting about him. I assume when you went back you collected all your belongings. If you diden't it might be easier to get a friend or family member to collect things for you.
I feel that if you keep contact with him he is going to keep making you feel bad, like loving telling you he is having girls round, or feeling suicidal etc. You need to cut all ties with him, otherwise i feel if you don't you are never going to be able to truly move on with your life.
Things will get easier over time for sure, don't be in to much of rush to jump straight back into the dating scene. Cut contact with him, delete his details and work on getting yourself back together, start doing things you love, and start loving yourself again. Time to look forward and not back.
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