A
female
age
26-29,
*ovelyLuna
writes:Ever since I was young, sex was explained to me as something that was inappropriate, dangerous, and could generally be used against me. Both of my parents were always adamant that men couldn't be trusted, and that I needed to be cautious and aware at all times. Before my dad was my father, he was a textbook player. He would often tell me about his regrets, including the fact that he wasn't always respectful towards women. "I know how they all think, and they only want *one thing*" When my mother was young, she lost her father to suicide. Growing up, several of the men that her mother (my grandmother) dated would molest my mother. As she got older, she was in an abusive relationship and has had more than one instance of sexual assault/rape. All of this to say; my parents accidentally instilled the idea in me that sex was violent and manipulative. So when I started to go through puberty, and therefore, wanted to experiment with sex- I came up with what I thought was the perfect way to do so while still maintaining my own safety; the internet. As a preteen/teenager, I got very into visiting adult chat sites, phone chat rooms, and as I got older- cam sites. I would often have cyber sex with anonymous men online, and I had no problem with it at all. Then I branched out into the phone chat rooms- never giving out my real name or phone number. Even when I finally started to have cam sex, I did my best to keep my face out of frame, and no distinguishing items in the background. I wouldn't say that I'm ashamed of anything I've done- I found a certain amount of safety and protection in being anonymous online, and being able to end the chat/call the minute I felt uncomfortable.That worked for a long time. I didn't have a boyfriend, but I didn't care- I was feeling sexually satisfied, and I didn't feel like I had to worry about the person on the other side of the line. About two months ago, I started seeing someone. He hasn't specifically said so, but he has hinted several times that he wants to have sex. I haven't told him about my past (I told someone else in the past, and they turned me away because of it; something that scarred me deeply) but I'm pretty sure he knows that I haven't had (physical) sex before. I don't consider myself a virgin- but I also haven't had physical sex before. And now that it's a real possibility, I am terrified. Even the thought of having physical sex triggers an anxiety attack. I know that I'm afraid because I don't feel safe, but I don't know how to fix the situation. I spent so long convincing myself that doing things while being physically removed was safe, and now I can't help but feel like I fucked myself up... To be fair, my boyfriend hasn't pressured me, but I still feel like I need to deal with this fear before he brings it up. Should I tell him about my past? Would that explain why I feel the way I feel? How can I feel safe enough to enjoy being intimate with him??
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (3 April 2017):
 I think you need to speak to a therapist. It won't do your relationship any favors telling him about your past, you have only been dating a few months and telling him about online sex is not something he will want to hear. If you feel it is something you have to tell him then yes go for it but be prepared that he might not take the news to well.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2017): If you feel comfortable telling your boyfriend about your feelings, then do so. He's not trying to pressure you into anything so it could be very understanding and even helpful for you.
But, as everyone else here says, do go to therapy.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (22 March 2017):
 Your parents went overboard, but all teens should be encouraged to avoid sex until they're adults. Sadly, many rush it anyway and end up in trouble mentally and/or physically.
Please seek therapy. You need to work through your issues before having sex with anyone else - tell your boyfriend you're not ready and won't be for a while, but don't tell him why yet, as your relationship is very new.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (22 March 2017):
 1. We are all conditioned by our family, society, faith etc. Some to more of an extreme than others. I truly understand why your mom and dad have made sex scary for you. I'm not saying what they did is RIGHT, but I understand it, they had both seen some pretty ugly things that were connected to not only sex but humanity. Unfortunately, their "indoctrination" pushed you to do things you DEFINITELY weren't ready for as a preteen.
2. I think you should honestly consider talking to a therapist. I think you really need to deal with the online past you have, and your relationship with sex as an idea.
3. And I don't think I would go into details with your VERY new BF about your past online activities. You have only been dating 2 months. I also think you need to be VERY clear with him that you are in no way, shape, or form ready for sex with him. Because you aren't. Having done sexual acts for a cam online doesn't mean you should "just" have sex with a BF because HE is ready and wants it.
Doing sexual things (even if it was solo with an audience) as a pre-teen will affect you and has affected you.
Just like porn really shouldn't be a big part of a pre-teen's life neither should online sexual stuff. You might have FELT empowered and in control when you did your thing online. The MEN who watched you took FULL advantage of this. You CRAVED something and it escalated into cam sex.
Try and read this info:
https://yourbrainonporn.com/
While it talks about porn mostly it IS about exposure to sexual things at a time where your brain is not really ready for that.
The thought of sex with a person you CARE deeply for shouldn't be a cause for anxiety. Which definitely tells me you are NOT ready. And you DO need to tell him you are NOT ready at all anytime soon if he can't wait for you to BE ready then he isn't the guy for you.
I would urge you to get help and find a therapist to talk this through.
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