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male
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*iggmachine
writes: I have been with my girlfriend for nearly a year now and I love her more then anything. She is amazing and she loves me so much. The problem is I can't get over her past. I know this is standard. A lot of guys have this problem. She has been with 5 guys(not including me). 4 of those between the age of 16-18. At that period of time she was looking for love and thought she would get it that way. Every one of those guys left her or cheated on her. Her last guy was with her for 4 years which she was in a committed relationship. She is my first (we are both 23). In a way, from day one, I didn't like her past (I felt like the sleazy guys won, and they did because while people say you got the girl they didn't want the girl, they got what they want), but I never let it bother me too much because it wasn't healthy, and she is not the same girl now. The problem was her last ex. Personally I thought it was healthy that she was still in contact with him and that they broke up in a civil manner and remained friends. But slowly this started problems between us. More and more I noticed he would call 4 times and day and she would go to his house for a few hours one or two times a week. I know she didn't cheat on me but she would stop whatever she was doing (including talking to me) to answer his calls or go to his place. More and more I felt like I was second in her life. When I confronted her with this she said 'Isn't it normal to be like that with a friend?' a sentiment that I agreed to. But more and more she started to get jealous of the fact I had female friends. SHe would say I am humiliating her by going to a bar with friends of 6 years which by chance consist of 5 females and one male (result of the line of work I am in). She even accused me of cheating on her just because I went to the pub. I even pointed out to her that who is more likely to cheat, me who is in a public area with a group of people or you who spends many hours alone with their ex.But her jealousy continued which in turn sparked up my jealousy. She eventually got comfortable with my friends but I never got comfortable with her past or her ex again and after one day she went to her ex's 24th b'day party for 13 hours I became completely broken. After it she joked about how unhappy I looked and how she wants to take a photo and show it to the kids if we ever had them. It was that moment I decided I would never want to marry her or have kids with her. For too long she had put her ex before me and made me feel bad not liking it. I felt that everything I have given her was then handed to her ex. So I told her this and told her it's time she picked and then I proceeded for one day to treat her like she treated me. By the end of the day her tune changed she cut back contact with her ex. But I told her it was too late for that and she had gone too far that it was him or me. She picked me but took her time cutting out her ex (only now, a year on, is it complete). Because of this whole period of time I am now having so much trouble coping with her past. All 5 guys. I constantly picture her with her ex. I feel like I waited for no reason. That I am being punished. for 13 months I have been so upset and depressed. Even almost ended my life on various occasions. I am seeking help for it now, but government help is hard to come by and the counselling is limited. TO make it worse she recently moved to my country and we are now living together. I thought when she came across she would be leaving all of her past (especially her ex) behind her. I did say if she moves in with me I will not put up with her ex. But on the second day of her being here she recieved an email off her ex. She told me that it was a group email and he must have forgotten to take her off the list. DUring the first five weeks of her being here she didn't have a job and didn't really look for one, so I ended up working 65 hours a week to make ends meet. After a while I applied for jobs for her and finally she got one but was always sick or some other excuse so I have to (continuing till this day) work the extra long hours. This I was willing to do until I found about 4 weeks ago that the email off her ex was actually a love letter begging her to come back to him and that he would pay the money for her to come back home (naturally written in her native language so I didn't understand). I felt like our new relationship in my country has started on a lie and I worked all those hours on a lie. But it doesn't end there. A few weeks ago I found out she still keep the guy's sister(naturally I said no more contact because you can't take my feelings into account) on msn. I told her that's not fair so she deleted her with an excuse that she forgot about that, and the last Saturday I noticed that the guy's brother was on her msn, and once again it had another excuse. There always seems to be excuse. I work long hours to support her and she doesn't seem to take my feeling into account at all unless I spell it out to her.I don't know what to do. How can I get over her past when it has now consumed my life so much? I have even considered cheating on her, evening the score but I refuse to do it because I will not be like those other guys. Why couldn't she leave her past in the past?Please help. I want this cycle to end.
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male
reader, kakaman  +, writes (24 January 2006):
I sympathize with you. I know the raging tornado of the thoughts in your head and the turmoil your soul is in. You waited for so long only to end up with someone who doesn't seem to appreciate the effort, but things happen. If it is any consolation imagine her memories of those past "occurrences" as photographs left out in the sun. She can come back and look at them once in awhile, whenever the memory is triggered but eventually they will fade away to nothing but a blank sheet. There will be a long time where she will see things or hear music that will remind her of those times she once shared with her ex. It’s something you can't ask her not to do. Hopefully, those things will begin reminding her about the time she has shared with you.
About the ex,I have had this problem myself. Luckily my girlfriend's ex did not want to start a new relationship but they kept in touch. I had to come to terms with the fact that they were together for such a long time. Not to mention the fact that they were together during the most active sexual time of their lives. My girlfriend told me that she still feels close to her ex but only because of the longevity of their relationship(3 1/2 years). I know it sucks to come in second but maybe your girlfriend isn't thinking about it that way. It's great that you told her how you feel about her spending time or talking with her ex because it shows your courage. Your assertiveness in telling her to chose is also commendable. However, you just cannot ask a person not to speak to any one. You will create a feeling of taboo when she receives a call or IM from her ex. She may end up seeking this feeling. Remember how you did things as a child when you were told not to do them? She is her own person, not an object that you can own. Commands like this might make her miserable and she may end up resenting you.
You let her know how you felt about it, that’s a good start. She made a decision and now she should own up to it. If he keeps sending her love letter emails then it should be up to her to give him a resounding no. You could be the one to tell him but I wouldn't recommend that.
About the forgotten contacts on the list, people do stuff like that all the time. If she is anything like my girlfriend she probably has thousands of contacts on the list. Currently these methods of communication are superficial and meaningless. Kind of a johnny on the spot hey-I-will-talk-to-you-since-I-am-bored thing. A person can easily lose track of who was who in the list.
Those five or four guys she once slept with. She probably doesn't think about them frequently. I know this is the type of thing that can consume your mind but it becomes better with time. It could have been worse. My girlfriend slept with 10 guys before she was 21, seven of which happened all in the same year a few months before we got together. It took some counseling and long talks with my girlfriend to ease the pain of "coming in second" or "elevenths", if you will. What helped me was trying to understand why she slept with so many people. Not judgmentally, but analytically. If it helps try to hold the images in your mind of when she has been the most loving and tender towards you. When you start to think about those other "occurrences" try and think about how much love she has shown you.
As for your girlfriend being jealous about you going out with females, she may have been cheated on once before. She may still be having trouble trusting the person with whom she is close. If she scoffs at your jealousy toward the time she spends with her ex it may be because she views it as innocent, and not at all on the level of you being out with females. She could also be insecure due to a perceived imbalance in attractiveness between the two of you. She could be scared that some attractive girl will go for an attractive guy(you).
As for her mooching off of you. It is a nice thing to buy gifts or help out the ones we love. But working 65 hours a week sounds ridiculous. Especially because you are not getting enough time to spend with her. The only time, in my opinion, where you should be working to support someone is if you are married to them. Encourage her to find a job immediately and let her know that your working long hours keeps you away from the one thing that makes you happy. You work to sustain a level where you can spend time with the one you love, but if you are working well into that time what is the point?
Also, if you already haven't learned her native language I'd encourage you to do so. You will enhance your self better than any little bottle of Viagra can. This will help you communicate with her as well. Don't cheat either. It's an empty and sad lifestyle. You may end up ruining something that could be the best part of your life. It's good to hear you sought help when you considered ending your life. I've been there too and I know it can seem like everything is hopeless and worthless. It's not the end of the world if it doesn't work out, as trite as that sounds it's the best we can have when confronted with a problem. Just try and make the most of the time you both are going to be sharing. Hopefully you are doing well now and time is helping you deal with all the anguish of a partner's sexual past.
Good luck.
A
male
reader, Dazzerg  +, writes (17 January 2006):
 This is a really tricky one. Firstly on the love letter I would say that neither her nor herself can control her ex's behaviour. If he chooses to send her a love letter then she cannot stop that and it is entirely possible that she is doing nothing to encourage it. I would also say dont cheat, it won't make you feel better and it will only continue the cycle you want to end.
Having said all that she shouldn't have mis-lead you about the e-mail and in doing so she has only fanned the flames when her intention was more than likely to quell them. Also it is not right of her to put him first in the way she used too.
You do have to bear certain things in mind. She did choose you; she did move country for you which is no small undertaking. On a practical level you need to find a way to share the financial burden. These long hours are obviously grinding you down and cannot be helping your emotional state.
From what you have written here i get mixed signals about the sincerity of her intent. The fact that she moved country is a big plus in favour of her sincerity but some of her conduct especially around her ex does make her seem unfeeling towards you. How has she reacted to you seeking counselling? Do you think she would be prepared to particiapte in couples counselling?
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