A
female
age
30-35,
*ooki__11
writes:I am someone who went through a severe bout of acne when I was younger. I have been left with scars (no acne now) and have been seeing a dermatologist regularly to get filler and laser to deal with it. Its better, but I do still have scars.Anyhow I have Just started seeing a guy and he always comments on how cute I am, and has said that I'm very pretty. But a couple of times now he has mentioned pimples/acne in conversation. First time when asking me about an ex (he asked if he had pimples), and then later he was saying that men are shallow and that he couldn't be with a girl who was obese or had acne. He then asked what my turn offs were. Im feeling really self conscious and although the comments have never been directed at me, due to my past experience with acne I am worried that he is trying to tell me something. What do you all think?
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female
reader, Pooki__11 +, writes (12 November 2013):
Pooki__11 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you very much for your answers guys, I really appreciate it. It is a very new thing (seeing each other for a month, not official), so Im not inclined to tell him all about my struggle with acne just yet. It's something very touchy and one bad comment can still set me off.
I think I am hypersensitive and will try to just ignore it, assume he isn't talking about me unless he directs it at me. He is really sweet all the other times. regardless if I find that he keeps making snide shallow comments in general I dont think I could hang around him; even if it isnt at me, I think its hurtful.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (10 November 2013):
 I think Anonymous 123 put it beautifully!
"Alec, the other day when you mentioned that you couldn't be with a girl who was obese or had acne, did you by any chance mean me? Because I don't know if you noticed, but I do have scars on my face from severe acne in the past, that I'm getting treated for. If this bothers you, please let me know. There's really nothing I can do about it but at least I know what you think."
THAT would be my approach.
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy  +, writes (9 November 2013):
 Are the acne scars just on your face? And has he only seen your face, i.e. not been more intimate yet?
If he has seen all there is to see then it sounds like he's just making conversation, albeit in a clumsy way.
I once dated a guy with a completely clear face but acne all over his back - maybe this guy has a similar problem?
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (9 November 2013):
Are the acne scars just on your face? And has he only seen your face, i.e. not been more intimate yet?
If he has seen all there is to see then it sounds like he's just making conversation, albeit in a clumsy way.
I once dated a guy with a completely clear face but acne all over his back - maybe this guy has a similar problem?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2013): I disagree, since he's been bringing up more than once over a few different occasions I think he's trying to work out how you got the scars on your face.
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A
female
reader, It'sgoodtotalk +, writes (9 November 2013):
Just started seeing? how long? maybe he has skin breakouts now and then and wanted to sound you out on how you would feel if his skin broke out.
Are you obese? no so his comment was not at you but just in general about his turn offs. Sounds like he is trying to find out about yours.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (9 November 2013):
 " he was saying that men are shallow "
I'm not accusing him of being shallow, he said it himself. I'm just taking his word for it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2013): It's very important to develop your self-confidence and work on self-esteem issues. The world is going to make references to sensitive issues that may hit close to home.People aren't inclined to walk on egg-shells around us; because we are over-sensitive. Life is often harsh and unkind, but we still have to live.Your boyfriend is having normal conversation that he would have with any other person,and may be a little insensitive; because he isn't making reference to you, but something you can relate to. Understandably, it isn't polite to even bring up the issue, or it would be taken personally. Every single person on this earth has a flaw. Beauty and perfection may be exalted above the plain and average; but growing our self-esteem places us above the ignorance of others. That starts with self-love. Loathing yourself isn't anyone's fault. People have to live with disfigurements and defects far worse than acne, and manage do just fine in spite of "words." They have pride. Get some.Ask you boyfriend to lighten-up on the acne references; because you feel uneasy due to your own experience with dealing with it. It makes you feel self-conscious. However; you have the means to deal with the scarring and have taken the necessary steps to handle the damage. Now work on growing a thicker skin to deal with everyday life.Be thankful you can afford to deal with your acne, many people can't. Yet they still do just fine. I have a visible scar on my chest, and still go shirtless at the beach. I'm not self-conscious about it anymore; I'm used to people looking at it. Some even say it's sexy. I say that's in the eye of the beholder. It is what it is. There is more to you than what meets the eye.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (9 November 2013):
 Why cant you just ask him? What kind of a relationship is it anyway if you cant even ask him something as simple as this?
"Alec, the other day when you mentioned that you couldn't be with a girl who was obese or had acne, did you by any chance mean me? Because I don't know if you noticed, but I do have scars on my face from severe acne in the past, that I'm getting treated for. If this bothers you, please let me know. There's really nothing I can do about it but at least I know what you think."
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (9 November 2013):
 If he's with you, he obviously doesn't classify you to be someone with acne currently - as he clearly stated he wouldn't date anyone with either of those two traits.
I wonder if he even knows you ever struggled with it, as that would be a rather tactless thing to say on his behalf if he knew you had and still made that comment. But my guess is he probably doesn't know and doesn't consider you to be in this "category" of women, therefore, you're fine and most likely over-reacting based on your sensitivity to the subject.
If he is attentive and affectionate, definitely try not to let it get to you. :)
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (9 November 2013):
 I think that for the very fact that he IS with you ,and shows his appreciation verbally and, hopefully , in other ways , he sees you and classifies you as a non-acne person. Either he has not noticed your acne scars, or he did but they do not bother him. While he would be bothered by a full blown case of acne as you had before. It means that if he had met you some time ago, he would not have been attracted to you. Personally, I would not be as stern as Chigirl and I would not necessarily accuse him of shallowness just for this comment. Most people have got some esthetic deal breaker- one just can't be equally attracted to all humans in each and every size and shape.
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female
reader, chigirl +, writes (9 November 2013):
He is telling you that he is shallow. Not all men are, trust me. He just says all men are to cover up for him being shallow. So, it is time for you to decide now. Do you want to be with a shallow man? What if you have a child who gets acne (likely to, since you had it). Will he treat the child poorly and put it down? Not want to be seen with it? What if you gain weight during pregnancy, he will stop touching you, not be affectionate until you lose it? What future do you have with a shallow man whlo isnt even embarrassed about it?
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (9 November 2013):
I think it's more likely that he doesn't think about, or is aware of, the fact that you had acne problems. It's also likely that you are over sensitive on the issue, so you're creating a problem that doesn't exist.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2013): Does he know about your past struggles with acne? If yes then he is a jerk who is trying to make you feel bad in a very subtle way. Why would people do that? To establish an air of superiority or the upper hand in the relationship.
If on other hand he doesn't know about your past acne and thinks your scars are due to something else then I think it is innocent.
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