A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Im planning to propose to my girlfriend soon, is it ok in wanting to know everything about her and her past? she is the one i want to spend yhe rest if my life. however i suspect theres something shady she doesnt want to talk about and im afraid if is something of my concern will be an issue later down the road. i want to know what im getting into, i mean I want to be sure who will I get married to and have no regrets later on.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2013): Right now is the time to do it, before you say I DO. It is best to find out now and not have regrets later, that would be wise of you. After she has the ring on she will feel like you accept her as is, and what ever she wants to tell you, or not tell you, or hide from you will be up to her at that point. I found this out after marriage, and wish I would have ask a few questions.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2013): Actually- I think that ultimately YOU have to decide the way forward on this one.
It is OK to ask her anything that you want to know; whether she tells you or not is her call.
BUT if she won't tell you everything that you want to know then YOU need to decide if you stil want to propose to her WITHOUT knowing everything.
You can't force answers out of her- but if she's not willing to share her everything with you, are you right for each other?
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A
male
reader, Serpico  +, writes (12 November 2013):
Who you marry is bar none the most important decision of your life, and making any decision on incomplete information is a formula for disaster. You have every right, and IMO an obligation to know everything you need to know BEFOREHAND. Dare I say there would be many less posts on this board if people did such due diligence before selecting their mates.
Do your due diligence, and make your decision on that. Then once you make your decision, stick with it.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (11 November 2013):
 you are already PLANNING on proposing....so that means that what you hear will do what?
what will finding out something undesirable do to your plans?
perhaps you don't know her well enough yet if you are already thinking there is something shady... or perhaps something shady does not matter since you are already PLANNING to propose...
so which is it... planning to propose in which case whatever you hear should not matter
or thinking there is something shady in which case you should NOT be planning to propose...
see my confusion?
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (10 November 2013):
 I suspect thet I agree with you in general, and dissent on the specifics.
Meaning, yeah of course you want to know what you are getting yourself into before getting married. You want to make an informed decision. Nobody wants to get married and then discover that the spouse has an arm-long rap sheet, a smattering of " love children ", a mountain of debts or a cocaine addiction. It makes only sense that you want to know a person warts and all, THEN you decide if you can cope with any possible skeleton in their closet.
But, the problem that I have with this type of question, is that this prudence seems to refer only or mostly to the sexual area. Which is the most private, and the less relevant.
Like, what do you need to know for ? Does it make a difference if she slept with 5 men or 10 , if she swallowed when giving BJs or not, if she lost her virginity at 16 or 18 ? How the details of her sexual acts are going to make her a worse or better wife in everyday's life ? If she ever had a threesome, - will this make her an irresponsible mother, or a bad housewife ? If she toyed with bisexuality, will this make her not get along with your parents, or spend all your hard earned cash ?...
I think you have to ask yourself honestly : what I want to know, and WHY I want to know it.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (10 November 2013):
 Don't we have a bunch of these questions lately?
I think it's fine to want to know the essentials and important things about the person you want to marry. But that is what dating is for. You don't figure these things out by conducting a cross examination. But of course, if there is something that is important for you to know then you need to ask it!
I don't think it's wrong at all to ask, as long as you are prepared to hear the answer no matter what it is. Doesn't mean you have to still ask her to marry you, if you find out something that is a deal breaker to you. But you have to be prepared for the answer to not be what you like to hear, and figure out what you'll do in case you get such and such answers. You'll need to be prepared, that's all.
But, it is impossible to know absolutely everything. Maybe you think something is important, and she doesn't find it important.. Then she'll not think of telling you. People are very different in that way, we don't think alike or see things from the same perspective. So chances are you will never know absolutely everything. Also, people don't always know everything, or remember everything. People forget.
If I were you I'd ask myself why I want to know everything/as much as possible. You mention you don't want to find out later and then have regrets. Maybe you think that if you know everything you can make a rational choice, and prevent yourself from making a mistake? Maybe marrying, and then divorcing, is a mistake to you? Or maybe you worry she's not the right woman for you, and you try to reason with yourself and calm yourself down by "securing" yourself with information?
Life can not be planned. Life is unpredictable. I don't think you'd be more secure in a relationship/marriage based on how much you know about the person on a detailed level. Relationships and marriage is always a risk. If it is a risk you are unwilling to take, or if you suspect that this woman isn't the right one for you, asking questions about her will not make things better. The risk will still be the same, and/or she will continue to not be the right woman for you.
I would advice you to wait with proposing and just get to know her better. Ask some of your questions, but also keep in mind that you can't secure yourself 100% from heart ache or a miserable marriage no matter how many details you know about her. People change too. Maybe in 10 years she'll be a different person than she is now.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (9 November 2013):
What shady shit are you suspecting? Exactly?
I think you can ASK about things but a lot comes down to respect and trust. But also to the fact that the PAST IS THE PAST, it's not something SHE can change or you can change.
She isn't required to tell you everything. Neither are you.
I have NO doubt that there are volumes of stuff I don't know about my husband (been married almost 17 years) and I know there are things he doesn't know about me. I wouldn't say that there is a LOT he doesn't know or that I wouldn't tell him if the subject came up - but I have never felt I needed to be totally transparent nor does he. I don't judge him on who he was BEFORE we met, but I DO judge him on who he is now (not that I run around and judge him constantly, but you get the gist).
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2013): "I'm going to marry this woman. Do I have the right to ask her about her _______ history?"
There is no possible word to go that blank which you don't have the right to ask her about. That goes for her career, her education, criminal history, financial history - and sexual history too.
If she doesn't want to talk about it, she has the right not to. But you have the right to assume the worst based on her silence and make your own choice however you want. She also has ABSOLUTELY NO RIGHT to mislead or lie to you about it. No more than about any of those other subjects.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (9 November 2013):
Some people hide things, even small things, because of reasons that don't make a lot of sense to other people.
I don't know how you plan on finding out whatever it is you want to know, but forcing her to confess her secrets seems like an asshole thing to do, not to mention a waste of time.
The way I look at it is that if you date for a couple of years you will find out most of what you need to know just by what her character reveals.
In other words you'll know she wasn't a hooker, in a porn, a drug addict, because you know her.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (9 November 2013):
 My deal breakers would be past drug addiction, wrecked credit, tons of debt, prostitution, been in a porn movie, smoking, criminal record, having secret love-children. When you said shady I think you are concerning one of the above rather than something trivial like the number of sex partners. But if that number is over 40 then it could be an alarming bell for some. She doesn't want to talk about her past and the way she acts caused you some suspicion. Maybe you could do an online identity search just to be sure. Some information is privacy. She is not required to tell you her past love life and whether she had done threesomes. But when it comes to marriage you want to make sure that your spouse won't drag you into a financial hole because of something bad she did in the past.
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