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Does my boyfriend secretly want me pregnant?

Tagged as: Age differences, Pregnancy, Sex, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (30 April 2012) 7 Answers - (Newest, 8 May 2012)
A female United States age 22-25, anonymous writes:

Hello Dearcupid,

I think my boyfriend secretly wants me to get pregnant. He keeps asking me when my cycle is, and brought up how I threw up one morning. I'm on the pill, so my breasts have gotten bigger and he asked me if I thought it was because I might be pregnant. But I'm not! I've been taking my birthcontrol everyday at the same time, and my period is not late. He brings it up at least once a month it seems like.... at first I thought it was from paranoia, but then the other day we were talking about pollinating flowers, and he said something about human reproduction to be way more "mystical and amazing". It was a theoretical conversation, but I just keep feeling like he actually might want a baby...? Before I got on Birth control, he never seemed to want to wear a condom and I"d have to ask. We have been careless in the past, before I got on BC.

He is also over ten years older than me, and although he is not financially stable he is in a different point of life than me maybe..

Am I just being paranoid? Are guys usually this concerned, or does it seem odd? Either way, it just seems weird that he keeps bringing it up. FYI, I do not want to get pregnant and I've made that clear to him by being so rigid about BC.

View related questions: be pregnant, breasts, condom, flowers, might be pregnant, period, the pill, want a baby

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A male reader, xgod United States +, writes (8 May 2012):

xgod agony auntI agree with all who have posted answers below.

To add my perspective, I personally am about the age range of your boyfriend and have an impregnation fetish. I am married and my wife was on the shot (Depoprovera) and is now on the pill. We are hoping some time in the next year to start trying for real.

In the mean time, my wife has gradually become accustomed to me asking to get her pregnant. She knows it is a major turn-on for me (and from what I have researched, millions of men are turned on by the THOUGHT of getting a woman pregnant).

It is possible your boyfriend is one of us. He may secretly be aroused by the concept alone of getting you pregnant. He may be imagining you are off the pill, ovulating, and he will impregnate you - if not all the time, then some of the time.

I know that most women are only really fertile between the end of the first week after their last period and the end of their second week. Keep track of your sex frequency during those times, especially if he is asking you about your cycle. If he is more insistent on having sex (especially without a condom) and depositing his seed inside you, he may have an impregnation fetish.

If he voluntarily wears a condom and it happens to break (especially more than once), start taking control of the condoms. Or at least check them before he enters you. He may do as I have done in the past --- snip the tip off or poke enough holes to make the condom worthless. That would prove he is trying to get you pregnant.

Impregnation fantasies and fetishes are normal.

Men have an animal urge to breed, seed, and impregnate any fertile womb available to them.

Modern society and religious norms have censored those ambitions, but they still exist.

It is how humans have become the most virile of species outside of insects.

The only reason to be paranoid is if you find your pills have gone missing or have moved from their normal location. If he even jokes about you missing a pill, he most likely wants you to do just that. So he can get you pregnant.

And that is my perspective. Mostly because that is what I would do if given the chance.

HONEST? Yup. HARSH? A bit. DECEITFUL? Definitely, but it's true.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2012):

if he's in his 30s that's usually when guys start thinking about having a family and kids to pass on their genes. It's a guy thing, to reproduce successfully.

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A female reader, chigirl Norway + , writes (30 April 2012):

chigirl agony auntSounds like he wants a baby. Or it could be the opposite, that he is scared of you getting pregnant because he doesnt want a baby. Men can be.. weird that way. They don't wear condoms, yet get freaked out if their girlfriend gets pregnant.. as if their need for condom-free sex is totally separated from it. When horny you tend to "forget" about how little you want a baby.

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States + , writes (30 April 2012):

So_Very_Confused agony auntsounds odd... usually men worry about women NOT getting pregnant... and liking it that way

I think you need to ask him what's up with this....

and if you say you can't, then you need to consider that you are having an intimate relationship with a man you can't talk to....

basically you can tell him

"hon, I"m on the pill... I set an alarm and I take it religiously every day. I DO NOT want to get pregnant and I am being very careful. I also DO NOT wish to discuss it. I cycle the same every month due to the pill so you know that every month on x day I will get my period"

if he can't deal with it suggest that he get some help to work on this obsession of his

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A male reader, no nonsense Aidan United Kingdom + , writes (30 April 2012):

This does sound strange, there’s no getting away from that.

It may be that he feels that this is the right time in his life to have a child, and it sounds like he’s pressuring you in to changing your mind. But that is something you mustn’t do: you should not consider it until you’re ready and it’s what you want as well. Having a baby is absolutely life-changing.

You’re going to need to be firm with him. I suggest that you have an honest conversation in which you explain that, whether he means to or not, his comments are making you feel pressured and that it feels like you’re being persuaded to re-think having a baby, but that you are not ready and will remain on the pill. I’d also let him know that if and when you decide that you are, you’ll let him know.

I really don’t know if this obsession with you getting pregnant comes from his desire for a child at this time in his life, or insecurity (the idea that having a baby together will make your relationship stronger or more stable). Either way, it’s time to tell him straight. He might not like it, but he has to respect your feelings and not pressure you like this any more. But it’s important that you make sure he knows how his behaviour makes you feel, because he might not realise. Give him a chance to change before you go any further: how he reacts and what he does about it will then give you an indication of how troubled this relationship is and how much a child in the near-future is a sticking point between you.

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A female reader, Dorothy Dix Australia + , writes (30 April 2012):

Hi there. How long have you been going out together?

Is it a fairly new relationship - less than 1 year?

You are going to have to come right out and ask him.

You could say about his fascination about the pollination of flowers etc., and say how he seems rather interested, and is there more to it than that.

So what you are really asking him, is - "Do you want to be a father?"

You have said here, you have told him that you don't want to fall pregnant at the moment and have kept taking your birth control pills so that doesn't happen.

So he's in the picture about how you feel.

He might interpret that as NEVER wanting to fall pregnant or have children - even in the future.

Although, you are probably like most young women your own age, and just don't want children right now.

Well not for another 5-10 years at the least. Say in your mid 20's if you are in the right relationship then, that is.

He probably understands that.

You need to sit down and talk thoroughly about it with him, and find out exactly where he stands, and let him know at the same time, how you feel about starting a family.

And when you do, be absolutely open and honest with him.

It really is something that needs to be discussed with him - sooner rather than later.

Don't delay it any longer.

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A female reader, Abella United States + , writes (30 April 2012):

Abella agony auntYou are not paranoid at all.

he may even consider that getting you pregnant would anchor you to him and make it easier for you to find a new boyfriend. He sounds like he's affected by some insecurity.

If you get the flu or have any tummy upset then this could result in you having less protection than usual.

And watch that your tablets do not go missing.

Yes, I think he is obsessing a little about you getting pregnant and that he thinks it would be a good idea for you.

EXCEPT it is your body.

I think he is angling to try to change your mind. And at late 20s and he is still not financially secure? No wonder he is scared he will lose you to someoen else with 'prospects"

Maybe reassure him with and update on where he is in your heart

But also make it clearer that you are not yet interested in being pregnant ,just yet

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