A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi all, I have significant issues with self worth and self esteem. I have never been to a therapist to discuss thid but as I get older, I'm finding these issues are negatively impacting other areas of my life. I have struggled with eating disorders along with other destructive choices for about 8 years as a way of coping with my feelings. When I was young, my father continuously told me he wished I was a boy and how he only ever wanted a son and yet had a daughter. From an early age I felt as though I wasn't good enough especially since I always found myself seeking my dad's approval and praise on most everything in my life. I think a lot of my need for his acceptance came from the fact that I needed to prove my worth to him but so rarely did I ever feel like I was given his love or approval. I also found myself attracted to men who never validated me in a way that made me feel appreciated or worthy of love. 4 out of 5 relationships ended with the guy leaving me for another girl. Up until recently I never felt that I was bringing my personal issues into the relationship. However, I was dating a great guy for the past year. We were long distance with the plan that if everything worked out, I would relocate to where he is. I started becoming really insecure and jealous that he was spending a lot of time with female friends. He would occasionally pick a good female friend up around 10pm and go to a bar with her, dropping her off by 3-4am. It would freak me out and made me feel that I was losing control of the relationship or his love for me would suddenly end and he would want to be with her and not me. I caused several fights over it and while he was understanding in the beginning, of course his patience ran thin. I never accused him of cheating on me but would voice my concern that our relationship would go the way of my previous ones.Long story short, we ended up breaking up because he was tired of my insecurities with his female friends. We've kept in contact daily and he keeps telling me I need to work on myself and learn how to love myself before I'll ever be able to be in a healthy, secure relationship. As much as I've tried to come to grips with my past and feelings of poor self worth, I can't seem to learn how to be less insecure and feel deserving of love and acceptance. Even this weekend he's going on a camping trip with an ex of his and a few other friends. It definitely makes me nervous that even though we've ended, he'll choose her instead of continuing to work on things with me. I truly want to feel that I'm worth it and that one day someone will love me enough to help me work through the issues. Sadly I think I have ruined chances with this guy because a lot of damage I have caused seems unrepairable. It is an endless cycle though and I have irrational fears that I'll never be good enough in most areas of my life, especially my love life.Do you have any idea how I can work on self worth issues to make me feel like I'm deserving of love for who I am?
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insecure, jealous, long distance, self esteem Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (17 July 2014):
 Amen to YOUWISH's post.
It's NOT the norm that a BF goes out to bars with ONE female friend without his GF (at least once in a while) - I'd dump a guy like that in a heartbeat. Though he DID give some useful advice, you SHOULD get some counseling/therapy.
There is no quick fix to this, but a good therapist is a really good start.
A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (17 July 2014):
 Are you my gf? Lol. Wow. You sound just like her.
First of all, I'm sorry for the issues you're dealing with. I know that's hard. My partner suffers almost exactly the same types of issues as you. Her father was the source of many of her problems. Now, as an adult, they have manifested themselves in eating disorders and some other self-destructive behaviors, as well. She was always attracted to older men who treated her like an object. And she also became quite promiscuous in some younger years. She says it was a way of punishing herself and living up to her worth as an object to men.
Now? Well, she went quite the opposite direction. Lol. Now she's with a woman who treats her like a princess. We've been together for approaching two years now and we are doing just fine. She still has moments where she doesn't feel worthy of how much I love her and doesn't understand. But I do. And she's learning to realize how loveable she is.
She has a lot of self-worth issues she's still working on and it still gets in the way sometimes. But she's making steps and we are both getting there. We learn how to work together to make us work. And to get her healthy.
As for you, your ex is right in many ways. You need to get yourself into therapy and start learning the tools you need to get a handle on this issue. Because you are worthy of love. And you are worthy of appreciation. And until you start moving in the right direction and begin to learn how to work on these issues, you will always bump into the same wall. You'll have the same problem in all of your relationships. It IS possible to find someone who loves you enough to stand by you while you're working on yourself. But you have to really be working hard to make the appropriate steps.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2014): 'First of all, I'd drop a guy who would take female friends out one-on-one to bars until 3 or 4am. I don't care if they are platonic -- there *are* boundaries in a committed relationship. most guys (and girls) don't even dream of pulling that crap in a relationship.'
Hear hear!
Get rid. I would not stand for that at all. Not many people I know would.
And then start doing things that you value. Things that make YOU feel good for accomplishing them. They will build up your self-love.
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A
female
reader, sharmain  +, writes (17 July 2014):
True,
In life You need to understand that you must love yourself first before expecting love from others, people with healthy self esteemare easily loved by others.They give you a good reason why you should love them too. Love for oneself builds confidence,healthy self esteem and boldness in you.you need to understand that self esteem is not having pride or having ego.You can love yourself only when you understand that you are beautiful, intelligent, smart, unique, and you have a purpose on earth to fufill. That purpose makes you important to te earth no matter what people think. I'
ll say discover your purpose & reason for existence.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (17 July 2014):
 First of all, I'd drop a guy who would take female friends out one-on-one to bars until 3 or 4am. I don't care if they are platonic -- there *are* boundaries in a committed relationship. It's one thing to go to a concert or an event or out to dinner with a friend of the opposite sex. It's another to be out all night with one in a setting that is notorious and frankly - designed to go drinking and finding people to hook up with. In your case, you shouldn't have waited for his patience to "wear thin". Your own patience should have worn thin enough to deem his values incompatible with yours and break the relationship, because most guys (and girls) don't even dream of pulling that crap in a relationship.
Second and more importantly, you already know you should be in therapy. You say you've never had it? That's like walking around with an open, bloody sore or a broken leg with the bone sticking out of the skin and saying "I've never been to a hospital". It's like...what?! You need professional help, because even though you've grown up physically, mentally you're still the little girl who's reacting as if her dad were still looking the other way.
And speaking of your dad, he's another reason why you need therapy. A guy straight up saying he wish he had a boy instead of the daughter he has been blessed with should be castrated for the ungrateful loser that he is. But you need to make the decision that you won't let his mental problems pass down to you. You have the power to reject his words to you, and it'll impower you a lot better than seeking his approval by choosing guys who are like him.
GET professional help. Do not pass go or collect $200. Get the help you need, otherwise your heart will have an oozing wound in it for 8 more years.
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