A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Do men have different opinion of “love” and “future”?I have been seeing a guy for almost three years. He is constantly telling me he loves me, but lately if feel there is something not right, that I might not be more than a friend with benefits. Whenever I bring up the subject of a future together, I always get a vague response, yes, we have a future. Nothing to make me feel like we have something more than tomorrow. I have even told him I feel like I am in limbo. I brought the subject up again over the weekend. His response left me speechless, I want and need you in my life, I want you to be happy. Nothing more. Let me just say we are not young, I was married before and divorced, no children, he was never married but was engaged for almost ten years, and, no children also. We are both secure with our jobs . I was with a man after my divorce for almost ten years, he died four years ago with cancer. After dating for a few months we both knew we wanted to share our lives with each other, I was with him until his death. This uncertainty that I am experiencing now is new and I do not know how to respond. I thought after two years of dating my current BF would know if he wanted a life with me or not, thus reason I feel like friend with benefits. In fact, when I mention how I feel all he does say is that I am more. Am I overreacting? Should we be discussing some future plans like living together?
View related questions:
divorce, engaged, friend with benefits Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, deirdre  +, writes (3 June 2015):
hi I am glad you have decided on a course of action. Like you said (and I failed to say) it is a good idea not to mention this deadline as this is the only way you will get an accurate view of his intentions or rather the lack of them. You dont deserve to be strung along by someone. Please remember there is still time to meet the right person, there has got to be men out there who are looking for a lady to share their life with. Best of luck x
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo each of you that took the time to respond to my question it is greatly appreciated.
As I stated this experience is new to me, I did not know how to respond especially after being in a loving relationship with a wonderful man until his death. In ways I think he spoiled me but I would not have missed the time that I got to share with him.
I have decided I will put a time limit on whatever this is with my current BF. I will not tell him anything what I am doing, but I will ask again about our future and what that means. I have decided on September 1 as my deadline. I will post any updates that may occur , and, I may need your opinion once again.
Thanks again for the response, and have an awesome day.
...............................
A
female
reader, deirdre +, writes (3 June 2015):
I would say listen to your gut feeling. Often when a person feels like you do, they are right. He is deliberately being vague and elusive in his answers, he knows what he is doing. I am assuming he is somewhere close to your own age, in any case he is a commitment phobe. At your age group and indeed most age groups, companionship is important and a stable relationship is a common way to obtain this. Your feelings and questions are well founded. 3 years is definitely long enough for a person to know what they want.
It might be a good idea for you to give this relationship a deadline eg: if his mind and intentions havent clarified by the end of september, you are out of there. In he meantime make preparations to separate (if you are living together, how to leave or get him out of your home, if it is your home you may need to consult a lawyer about the legalities) and perhaps therapy/counselling may be helpful since this is surely a blow to your self esteem. Just remember the fault lies with him, not you. Best of luck x
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (3 June 2015):
 Maybe they do not see " love " and " future " differently- they just see " love " and " marriage " differently.
Love and marriage are supposed to go together like horse and carriage, but not for everybody. Particularly in your ( ours ) age range. Needs, wants and expectations change. And if one has managed to live reasonably well alone until his late 50's, or more, it makes perfect sense to me that he / she thinks : if it ain't broke don't fix it- without having to be thought of as a sociopath for this.
Have you been specific about what you want ? Vocal ? Have you expressed,not hinted, that you envision marriage, or living together ? What did he say exactly ? How did he react ?.
Without knowing that , there's no telling if he is callously stringing you along, or if he is in total good faith, just has different ideas about your " future " .
He could be in perfect good faith : he loves you, and foresees continuing to love you and to spend time with you and to be faithful to you , in short having a monogamous relationship with you, without necessarily having to share the same space, roof, schedule, or money. Age, and not having children together, DO make a big difference in this sort of thing. While if you are 20 it's inevitable that you think of future as a common project and the building of a whole life structure that also involves physically sharing space together and official recognition of your status, all this has much less sense and much less appeal for someone who ALREADY has his / her own life structures and systems firmly in place.
Call it being " selfish ", or call it being
" independenr ", " your own person "- any way you call it, it won't make it go away. In this age range, finding the right person is a welcome ADDITION to a life plan, not the life plan itself.
So have you ASKED him if he 'd like to "upgrade" your relationship to marriage or cohabitation ? And if he said yes, what is it in practice which prevents you from doing exactly that ?...
On the other hand, he may love you AND like things the way they are, I don't feel these things are mutually exclusive .
Of course if instead you do - then you have a problem on your hands. You want different things, and you'd have to decide if not getting what you want is a total deal breaker . Or if, as Tisha says, you could also enjoy what you have just the way you have it now.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (3 June 2015):
 And again, at his age of 50s or 60s? He knows he doesn't have much time and what you see now is what you get. You've been together for 3 years, this is the relationship you are going to have.
I have recommended this book by Judith Sills, PhD, it's called A Fine Romance. It will help you deal with where you are and where he is.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (3 June 2015):
You are in your 50s, which is my decade too!
You are at the age where you are free to focus on yourself! It's a good thing. You get that sense of being able to be completely honest and forthright about your needs for the future.
I'm assuming his in his 50s? or even perhaps 60s?
As he doesn't have children nor an ex to worry about and he's 50+ or even 60+ then he's decided to be single for life.
You can assume things but his actions show that he's just not into getting married or committing to any one woman. He's shown that for many decades now!
If you need to be married, or need to have a plan for the future, then you are with the wrong man.
But as you are in your 50s and don't have a plan to have children and presumably have your own interests, is there a problem with just hanging out with him?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2015): No, you're not overreacting at all. It's been two years! You're two mature people; and you've established with your mate that you want to move to the next level. Possibly consider marriage. He's vague about it, which means he's not on the same page. In-fact, he wouldn't change things for the world.
You and he are not seeing the future the same. He wants a long-term girlfriend with all the fringe-benefits. He is a confirmed-bachelor, with a female-companion. You can't force him to marry you.
So instead of wasting your precious-time, either adapt to things as they are; or give him a big heave out the front-door.
...............................
A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (3 June 2015):
 Ihe's vauge about the future then it may be tat he is vauge about his feelings too. I'd press him for a comitment and if it is slow in coming then I'd take a hike.
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (3 June 2015):
 Apparently he sees love and future differently from you do. For you, it means you want to get married one day, be introduced to in laws and his friends. You would talk about houses and mortgage. For some people, love does not require all that but I believe people who think sex and cuddling are all they want, love can't run that deep. There are people who genuinely are asocial, and can't tolerate sharing space. There are also people who could love deeply even when not living together. You have to be honest with yourself if you are happy in this relationship and if he's willing to do the extra things to make you happy. He could be saying he loves you just so you won't leave him so soon. If you haven't even stayed together for more than a week, I would not discuss living together because obviously there's a reason why he would not appreciate the idea. I once had a boyfriend that started casual. I have a son from a previous relationship so we both stayed at his house on weekends only. It became clear why he did not think about future in a serious way. On Sunday mornings, instead of connecting with me and my son. He would be watching his own car channel. He would get so tired that he hid in his basement. He had back pain (sciatica) and also a foot injury before. There was no connection and we were all miserable.
This is just one example of why men don't want to live together. There could be emotional issues as well. Some men are avoidant personality and feel smothered when they see the same woman every day.
Your man does not sound like he's just using you for sex until he gets bored. I think he wants you to be happy but what he's offering has limitations.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2015): I can see right away what's going on. Your guy has a fear of commitment. He was engaged for 10 years??? Doesn't tell you anything? The guy just can't commit. Him saying that he needs you in his life and wants you to be happy is all true. Of course he needs you until its time to marry you and live together. Of course he doesn't want to have youin his life, he is a man , he has his needs. But future...I don't think so.
If you want to hang out with him and enjoy I while it lasts, sure, butif you have great exactions for this man, just leave it alone
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2015): You're not over reacting. By this time he should know. Someone who was engaged for that long but never married probably won't get married now unless he found a woman he knows he will lose it he doesn't do something to keep her. I'm not sure if you want marriage or not. Maybe he has marriage fears for various reasons.
Men often work to get what they want from a relationship and at the same time they will keep things vague to keep getting what they want without ever intending to give you what you need and want. The ball is in your court now. You need to end the relationship and see what else is out there for you. If he misses you maybe he will decide he doesn't want to lose you but he should already know that after all this time.
...............................
|
