A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:So, I'm 30 years old and I look at my life and feel like the only people I have in it are older people (my family and friends of my father's mostly). Dating-wise, it's gotten to the point where the only attention I ever get is from women at least 20 years my senior, whereas I can't seem to get any attention from girls in their 20s or even late teens (18 or above of course). Plus, the fact that one of the jobs I work at consists of older men with jaded and cynical outlooks on life and bring my self-esteem down in the process. Had it not been for it having something to do with my goals in life, I would've left it a long time ago and found something else.It's not that I'm not flattered by the attention from these older ladies, it's just that as a young person, who HAS dated older women since his early 20s, I want some vaildation that I'm still young and attractive. I guess my emotional maturity level has played a factor in attracting older women (never smoking or doing drugs or sleeping around, etc.), so I suppose there's that. It's just that I still have all my hair, my skin actually looks cleaner now than it did when I was in my mid-20s (I'm eating better and exercising and using the right skincare items), emotionally, I've treated and pushed back most of my depression, which in itself, is a miracle, and I don't wanna feel like it's all for nothing.Between that and my job consisting of the type of people, it just feels like there's no balance right now. It's as though I keep my positive view on the world in spite of everything else (maybe not everything, but a lot of things).But I don't know. What do you think? Do you think I still have a chance at attracting some 18-29 girl? Even if it's just to have as a friend?
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks again for the replies.First, to answer Euphoric29's question, yes, I do/did enjoy dating these older women. It's not that I'm opposed to dating one category of women, it's just that I would like to be able to branch out too. I love vanilla ice cream, but that doesn't mean I don't want to try strawberry or chocolate once in a while (if that makes sense).And I guess part of it is the result of a hurt ego too from social anxieties; being teased a lot or sometimes just ignored in my childhood by my peers, thus feeling rejected by my own generation, etc. Thinking that the only ones I'll ever attract are older than me, flattered as I am by their kindness, just seemed like it limited me somewhat, like there was no balance. So I guess you can call it more of a "personal desire" thing than anything else. You can say it's the catch that comes with being a young man.As one of the other posters wrote, yeah I guess that's true about men having more options open to them. I have aged well thus far; usually when I tell people that I'm 30, they tell me I look like I'm early-to-mid twenties (not that I go around telling people my age just for fun, lol, but the ones who ask are who I'm referring to). And yes, I do think it makes sense that one has to be the best person they can be themselves before seeking a companion.I have come a long way since my depression really wore me down; I have fewer wrinkles, I managed to grow my lost hair back (took a while, but it was worth it), and overall, things do seem to be moving better in my life otherwise, so maybe I'm just not used to trying such things. I guess I'm still in my "self-rebuilding" phase.So yes, everyone's answers have been helpful. I guess I just needed to talk with some people who could offer some good down to earth insight. Thanks all!
A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (5 February 2014):
Dear OP,
Thank you for the update/clarification. Wiseowle is right, this is a site where you get all kinds of advice from people who don't work in a clinical field. This can be an advantage. But it's true that it's very hard to give advice to strangers you only know over the internet and so, there can be misunderstandings. Especially, if the question is a more complex one.
Reading again your post and re-post, I still wonder about certain things. For instance.. if you went out with these older women.. where you attracted to them? If yes, why do you feel the need to change this pattern, since it seemed you had a good time? Are you thinking of starting a family of your own, or has your taste changed, recently? Or is it curiosity?
The other agony aunts seem to wonder, as well.. if you want to date a younger woman to prove yourself that you're attractive? I think that's a difficult way to make that point, because there are so many people who have dates and are in relationships, who are rather unattractive. And the other way around, I know beautiful single people who never seem to get a date or relationship. Just to keep this in mind.
I hope there were some inspiring things you got from here. After all, what we or at least I are trying to tell you, is that no matter how you got into an unlucky place (whether because of depression or something else) it takes your own initiative and work to get out of there. I've also had to work hard on myself.. and still am.. to get better, to get to the place I want to be in life, career-wise, relationship-wise. I didn't believe you were just a self-pitying person, although I wouldn't mind if you were. Just.. there is not one good advice that will do. If you want to find out whether you can attract somebody your age or younger, this will mean you'll have to do field research.
I wish you good luck for this!
Greets, E.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2014): O.P be positive. When it comes to heterosexual relationships, men's choices improve with age. Being single in your 30's gives you a greater range of women to choose from (btw it is not illegal or wrong for a 30 year old man to date an 18 year old woman. To be on the safe side though always make sure that any women you are seeing which you suspect to be quite young for you is definitely 18. That shouldn't be too hard. You can't be that naive at 30.). Unfortunately, the same can't be said for women. The older they get the less in demand they become. However, the most important question you need to ask yourself is why do you thing having the attraction of younger women will validate your manhood. Women know that they have a shelf life. You don't. So long as you live a life that is purposeful and driven, only then will your masculinity be affirmed and your manliness will be validated by both men and women. Don't lose focus. As men our purpose in life is our work. Women are not our purpose and life. They are the ones who help us realize the aspirations of our purpose. Live a purposeful driven life and you will sure to attract the right kind of women for you. Here's my two cents worth. You don't need the attraction and adoration of any woman to validate you as a man. Find your purpose in life. The love, respect and affection of women are rewards you recieve along the way of a purposeful and meaningful life.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2014): Most of the aunts and uncles who respond to these posts are knowledgeable and well-read. There are a few younger people who relate to some issues; being within a particular age-group.
We don't offer professional advice; we give people the benefit of our experience. Although we may have other credentials; but none of us are practicing as licensed professionals on this website, to clarify a few things.
A very high percentage of OP's who come to the site suffer from depression and anxiety disorders; and are seeking non- clinical opinions. Just down to earth good-old fashioned advice. We are no strangers to people suffering emotional disorders. We are cautious at going over our heads on issues we know nothing about.
Sometimes you need straight and direct answers. The point is to challenge you to think; and encourage you to make your own analysis of your problem. Hopefully, you may be able to apply our advice, or find your own solutions.
Not to say this is your case; but people do tend to exaggerate or blow things out of proportion. That is symptomatic of anxiety disorders. Maybe just inexperience and the fear of failure. Many already have their own answers and want to know they're on the right track.
I think you know without asking that you have a chance with women your age. My question is, what are you doing to give yourself a chance?
In general, we all may have a few unfortunate experiences; and may establish these incidents to be a sign of the way things will always be. Who doesn't get gun-shy after being rejected a few times. I know I have.
Many feel a pessimism or cynicism; because life presents challenges that they feel unequipped to handle. They fault themselves for being inadequate; less adaptable than everyone else. For whatever reason. The fail for the lack of trying. Then create an excuse for it.
Sometimes we have to kiss a few frogs. Take a few risks.
Stand up to criticism. Face our fears. That's all a therapist can suggest. There is no pill for it.
When it comes to dating; you can expand your selection of potential candidates, if you can bring yourself to be more willing to risk approaching people you find attractive. Provided they are single and available. If they turn you down, just try again with somebody else. Most of us survive by trial and error. Nobody has all the answers.
If you're looking for guarantees; and hitting the target 100% if the time, I wish you luck.
At your age, I don't quite recommend approaching girls in their teens. That might get complicated. Society has to be more vigilant and protective of teens these days; because of sexual predators. That's not your fault, it's just the way it is.
You will never make up for time lost in your youth. That time is past.
Sometimes you have to approach a woman you presume closer to your age, and not surrender to your apprehension, or fear of rejection.
You can't always use depression as an excuse; you seem to be functioning socially and professionally with people older. Then dial back a few years, and you'll find that younger people/women are just as approachable and receptive to being asked out. You are holding yourself back. Don't blame women.
Have your therapist help you with your social anxieties and you'll be on your way.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (4 February 2014):
 Depression didn't keep you from going out on dates when you were asked. You don't have to be a pick up artist to ask a girl out on a date.
Do you have social anxiety on top of the depression? I would discuss this with your mental health professional, the one who helped you get the depression treated in the first place. If you don't have someone helping you deal with the multitude of things you've listed (sensitivity, childhood abuse and depression) it's time you took positive action to do so.
And yes, I understand. I had depression. You most certainly don't just snap out of it without help.
So, are you under a doctor's care for the depression? And are you getting counseling for the past abuse?
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female
reader, Euphoric29 +, writes (3 February 2014):
Dear OP,
My advice: Act as young as the people you want to date. Preferably, start to act like the usual immature 30 year old - no need to live a completely healthy, steady, career-oriented life. Ask yourself how you could make your life a little more fun and a little more risky each day.
By the way: 18 is too young. Go 23, 24 and up.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWow, a lot of answers in such short time! Thanks very much! Here I was unsure if I would get one or two.Well anyway, to answer a question I had been asked, why I don't just take the initiative already... as I remarked toward the end of my post, I had just gotten over depression. I don't know if some of you know what that entails, but when you are depressed, life just feels impossible.Depression, contrary to popular belief, is not just a big word for "sadness" or "an excuse to be lazy". No. I've had depression from a lifetime of being held down and told by my family that I'm not good enough, or that I'm not allowed to do certain things to improve my life. Given my sensitive nature, I took a lot of this in, rather than simply brushing if off or rebelling. See, life isn't always like the movies where the hero has everything working against him but then suddenly rises up against all odds and wins it all. For me, this feels tough. So, to the poster who suggested that I was leaving something out, that was it; I have had depression since my early 20s if not earlier. It's not the kind of thing you can just tell someone "snap out of it". It didn't help that I wasn't Mr. Suave in high school either, leading me to believe that I was ugly or something.As for the older women, when I was 21, I went out with a woman almost 40. She was attractive and all and we had a nice time. Then after she moved to another state, I tried looking for someone else. I did find someone a little closer to my age; I was 22 by this time and she was 29, but that didn't go very well. You talk about older women being more mature? Well, this one sure wasn't. Let's just say she wasn't above resorting to "Facebook drama" and gossip and things like that. Then when I was 27, I went out with a 45 year old woman, with a son almost my age! She was just visiting my hometown so that only went so far.Come to think of it, there was one detail I did leave out in my initial description; the women in their 40s asked ME out.Like I said, I've always had a maturity beyond my years, and maybe that's why older women found me more attractive. But I do still have my youthful side that (supposedly) would attract younger girls. I am responsible, I go out and do things, I work hard, I periodically do local theatre and that makes me feel good. Yeah, I do so-called "immature" things like play video games, but that's just my hobby. I've pretty much been the same person I've always been, just that I have a college degree. I was never one to use the dreaded pick-up lines or manipulate a girl to get her attention or play any trite "games" or anything like that, so if that's why it hasn't worked, then I guess I was just never meant to be young myself. Makes no sense but... yeah.So no, I'm not just some snot-nosed loser who sits in his parent's basement playing World of Warcraft (why is that EVERYBODY's favorite generalization/insult?), I do try to make changes. But when you've got depression working against you, it's extra tough. If you've never had depression, and it's never held you back, good for you. But sensitivity and being constantly talked down to definitely do not mix for me.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (3 February 2014):
As I read your question, I was struck by how passive you sound. Even the verbs you choose to describe your situation are passive. I think that if you want to change your situation, you need to take action, to do things, to be your own life's architect, instead of expecting to sit there and 'attract' women like some sort of flower.
I'm going to tackle this question by changing your verbs:
"So, I'm 30 years old and I look at my life and feel like the only people I have in it are older people (my family and friends of my father's mostly).
--the only people I put in my life are older people---
Dating-wise, it's gotten to the point where the only attention I ever get is from women at least 20 years my senior, whereas I can't seem to get any attention from girls in their 20s or even late teens (18 or above of course).
--I sit around and hope women will notice me, but the problem is that only the older ones take action. The younger women pay no attention to me.
Plus, the fact that one of the jobs I work at consists of older men with jaded and cynical outlooks on life and bring my self-esteem down in the process. Had it not been for it having something to do with my goals in life, I would've left it a long time ago and found something else.
--I chose a career that limits my interaction with the people of my own age.
It's not that I'm not flattered by the attention from these older ladies, it's just that as a young person, who HAS dated older women since his early 20s, I want some vaildation that I'm still young and attractive.
--I like the attention I get from older women but I don't really do anything to change up my target audience. I am waiting for someone younger to notice me.
I guess my emotional maturity level has played a factor in attracting older women (never smoking or doing drugs or sleeping around, etc.), so I suppose there's that.
It's just that I still have all my hair, my skin actually looks cleaner now than it did when I was in my mid-20s (I'm eating better and exercising and using the right skincare items), emotionally, I've treated and pushed back most of my depression, which in itself, is a miracle, and I don't wanna feel like it's all for nothing.
--I'm taking care of myself and don't do drugs or smoke or sleep around. I've dealt with depression.
Between that and my job consisting of the type of people, it just feels like there's no balance right now.
--I have made my life out of balance and it's up to me to reset it. I know my job is a bit of a limiting factor but I'm not in it 24/7, there are other opportunities to get out there and meet people my age or younger.
It's as though I keep my positive view on the world in spite of everything else (maybe not everything, but a lot of things).
--I'm staying positive in outlook but I'm not translating that outlook to positive action.
But I don't know. What do you think? Do you think I still have a chance at attracting some 18-29 girl? Even if it's just to have as a friend?
---
Of course you have a chance to meet someone. You have to stop thinking about it so passively, though. Sitting around hoping a younger woman will suddenly take a fancy to you is going to be a big disappointment.
You are right where you put yourself. If you don't like it, change it up. It's all up to you. It's not up to the younger women you seem to want to date to chase you down.
So take that arm that has been patting yourself on the back, turn it around, put it on the phone or on the wheel and get out there, meet people and do things with the age-range you say you want to hang out with. The only person forcing you to sit in rooms with old people is…. YOU! :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2014): If you're working so hard on your appearance and have so much to offer as you claim; why is age even an issue?
Maybe younger women just see you as you are. A guy in his 30's and not so much any more interesting than any other guy his age.
I think all the stuff you included about dating older-women was just to draw-out the poison. You're avoiding the backlash of being thought to be a sexist. If you have an ageist narcissistic outlook about age; women have a sixth-sense about it.
They'll see through you. If you approach younger women, and they aren't interested. Don't frustrate yourself. If they don't bite, don't sweat it.
It's almost a pathetic neurosis in the gay-community. Old farts chasing young boys. They end-up frustrated and alcoholic; or exhausting their bank accounts; pursuing younger people. While trying to avoid accepting aging with grace and dignity. Feeling they've lost sex-appeal unless someone half their age is attracted to them. Keeping thinking the way you are, and you'll be hating your age.
Straight-men think it's directly related to their virility and machismo. Either you've got it or you don't. The truth is, women are more selective; and know what they want more than they ever have. Their movement has changed the way they look at men these days, and what they should or shouldn't allow into their lives. Don't just seek women according to age!!! You better be less superficial!
Teenage girl's see an eeewww-factor in older hipster guys strutting around where teens have fun or congregate. They have little in-common with you. You know for the most part, that many guys your age are creepy when trying to hit on some teenage female. She is usually flattered, but mostly uncomfortable. Not with you, but most guys who look so much older.
There are predators who feed on innocence, and it's purely sexual. Their parents have warned them against getting involved with older guys; when they are are so naive and inexperienced. Their fathers are the least likely to allow it. No matter how good your intentions; getting their approval might not be so easy. Regardless how much his daughter likes you.
People sooner or later resort to online-dating if this is such an issue.
Too many young and older-adult women write this site about how men screw with their hearts. Young girls need more time to work their way up to the big league. Don't you think?
I don't think that is your problem. Nor do I believe that you can only attract a lot of women much older. Perhaps you look older than you are. That may be the case.
Simply put; you just don't have that "it-factor" that draws the younger ladies. Some guys have it, and some don't. Sometimes it's the added advantage of having a lot of money, that improves their success. Some men approaching middle-age may have a job that keeps them more relevant to the younger set.
Dude, there are just too many single and available women out there between 22-29 for me to believe your post. I'm gay, and over 50. They flirt like crazy, and I don't even try. They want to be respected, appreciated for who they are, and not played. They are very-well informed.
If they like you, they don't have the least problem with letting you know it. I'm not interested at all; not even the least flattered. I see them as children. You're much younger; so that's not applicable.
I think maybe you've left something out about yourself.
Women are highly evolved creatures, my friend. I do know where you're coming from to some degree. I am trying to reduce your tension, and really don't think this is a serious problem. If you really think about it.
I think if you just continue being available and keeping up
your appearance, and if your personality is conducive. It's just a matter of being in the right place at the right time. That's how human-attraction goes. Keep an open-mind and enjoy what life offers you. No matter what age she is.
I don't expect you to be attracted to women twice your age.
There is a cutoff point for all of us; but keep your options open, and don't concentrate specifically on the age-issue.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (3 February 2014):
 I have no issue with age gap relationships but if a 30 year old man was interested in my 18 yr old daughter I'd NOT be happy... my older son will be 30 in April and I would not want him being friends with 18 yr old girls... they should have NOTHING in common with him.
BTW YOUNG is relative... there are lots of folks that no longer consider you young. (just as an aside)
Saturday night my 40 yr old husband and I had two guests... one of them was a lovely 24 yr old young man who I adored. The flirting between us was funny and FUN... age is but a number. but he was telling my husband how lucky he was.. and I thought it funny that at 24 he would even CONSIDER me flirt worthy or someone he found attractive....AGE is a number once you are a fully mature grown adult....
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (3 February 2014):
 You are not LOOKING for a friend - be honest.
And wanting you date younger girls is not really uncommon, but my question is why can't dating a woman your own age make you feel good about yourself?
Do you think dating younger girls make you seem more worldly and studly?
Do you think you have stuff in common more with younger girls then women your own age? If so, isn't that kind of sad? That you have more in common with women half your age?
I am curious as to the REAL reason you want to date a younger girl or be her "friend".
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2014): I'm a girl, 22, and you sound like somebody I would want to date. I dated a 26 year old and I would like to date a 30 year old. Don't feel hopeless or anything like that, you're still super young and girls, like me, actually WANT someone older now that we've gotten past the 18-21 Guys who are SUPER immature. I find 30 year olds super attractive, even up to 35 year olds. And if you're exercising, keeping healthy and are ready for a serious relationship, don't let age hold you back, some girls desire older guys. My 21 year old bf plays video games all day and doesn't have a job. So there you go, lol
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (3 February 2014):
 I think so. There are girls who like the older type. You just have to look for a younger woman who's not into smoking drinking or sleeping around. The 18-29 year range is not a stereotype of women who do certain things. If you want validation I would give it to you. Here you go, you are still young and attractive even though I don't know what you look like. You know it and you don't need outside approval for this. If you date with this intention in mind girls would see through it and go ewwwww. I don't like stereotypes myself but since this question is based in general, I would say that women see you as security, and young girls like adventure and crazy passion. So if you want more chance with a younger girl, you need to let go of the fear of rejection and start believing that you are a catch to them. They will see you as confident if you are picky even among the young group. It seems like you just want anyone young, and not care about who that person really is.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2014): 18 TOO YOUNG for you, Go for 24 year olds at least, they will have more in common with you, and of course you have a chance of attracting them. You are thirty remember not twenty three.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2014): Wel, you are pretty old for an 18 year s old. If you say you are that mature why do you even want an 18 years old. Teens like different things and n different stage of life than 30 years old people.
I don't see why you cant have a woman your age. frankly I don't even know why these 20 years older women even want you. I may be would have sex with a guy who is so much younger than me couple times, but I wouldn't be in a relationship with one.
And why you only dated older women? Because it was easier or what was the reason?
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf +, writes (3 February 2014):
A man or woman can attract a partner of any age. Problem is…your mind. If you think you are only good for this or that, then you have limited yourself and tend to stay where you think you should be.
Want a younger woman? Stop thinking the only kind of woman you can get is 20 years older. Your job has nothing to do with how you think of yourself. Do you still have a chance with the young women? What do you THINK??
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