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female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: My boyfriend and I have been together for six months.I'm in a baby mama drama situation, and I'm not sure how to handle it... Please help. I'll give some background...He and the mother of his child were never married. Their relationship was rocky and she was very manipulative, to the point of lying about doctor's appointments (when she was pregnant) so that he was never able to go (even though a few times he took time off work for them -- but somehow they always got 'moved' or 'already happened').In the end, she was even evasive about the birth of their child. She didn't tell him she was in labor or when she went to the hospital (and they were still together at this point), and he missed the birth of their baby. (He suspects he is not on the birth certificate.)At some point after the birth of their child, she moved out and back into her mother's house, over an hour away. She refused to go to couple's counseling. He went anyway. He was only able to go see her and the baby about once a week. Of course this didn't last, and they broke up.It wasn't too long after they broke up that we started seeing each other. She wants nothing to do with me... That's fine, except that she also will not allow him to take the baby (who is now 2 years old) out of her sight -- she says "the baby will cry, and when she cries, she stops breathing." So, ever since we've started dating, he has driven up there just about every Saturday and spent the whole day with his baby and baby mama...We've taken some weekends and traveled, so I do get some Saturdays with him. But he hates skipping a weekend of seeing his daughter, and it puts a damper on things...I don't know how to feel about all of this. I know that it bothers me, for a multitude of reasons...First of all, it almost feels like their relationship hasn't changed all that much, since he was pretty much spending the same amount of time with her when they were still in a relationship.Secondly, in the beginning she was texting him things like "what I miss the most is snuggling with you on the couch"... And, at one point, he called and talked to her when we got into a fight... Why would he do that?? That seems really inappropriate to me... And during this episode, I talked to him about this, and told him that it bothered me. He said he wouldn't do it again, but he also said she was really supportive and told him he should try to work it out with me. However, the next time he talked to her and told her that we made up and were going to work it out, she positively FREAKED out on him, complete with crying and yelling. So obviously she still has feelings for him...Additionally, she takes digs at me.. For example, she knows I try to eat healthy, and I don't keep lots of candy or anything around, so for Easter she sent him home with a basket full of candy and said "his daughter made it for him" (who was not yet 2 at the time). Also, this made me start questioning him, and I found out that he was complaining a lot to her about me/our relationship... Since then I've asked him to please come to ME if he has any issues, and not complain about me to his baby mama. :( Supposedly this has stopped. I guess I trust him, but really, who knows what goes on over there?Also, she likes to call him sometimes on the way home after he leaves on Saturday.. And she will randomly text him during the week sometimes, though I've seen the texts and none of it has really been inappropriate. I don't really understand any of this either... :(At the beginning of our relationship, I was under the illusion that he was getting a lawyer and was going to court for custody. But this has not happened. As ridiculous as it sounds, him and I went to couple's counseling to talk through this... The counselor gave him a good custody lawyer recommendation... It took him about a month to actually call this lawyer just to ask her a few questions. Well, nothing has come of that. In our last counseling session, the counselor pretty much told us we should probably break up........... We decided to stop seeing the counselor.So, I'm at a loss... I can't make him get a lawyer and I won't try, but I would like to know what his final decision on the matter will be (will he TRY to get custody or not?) so I can digest it and figure out what I want to do.He's over there now. Saturdays really bring me down, which is why I'm writing here :( I have never met her or their daughter, she refuses to have anything to do with me, I've never even heard them TALK to each other... It feels like he gets to go over there once a week and play "happy family", as if nothing ever really changed. I know that's not really true, but it's how I feel and I would like to change that... but it's hard. :(Any advice would be greatly appreciated... Please help :(
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2013): "It feels like he gets to go over there once a week and play "happy family", as if nothing ever really changed. I know that's not really true, but it's how I feel and I would like to change that... but it's hard. :("If it feels like nothing has really changed and that he's still with her, then that's probably true.You can't change him or her. The only person you can take out of this equation is yourself. So that's what you should do.It really sounds like they are the ones in the primary relationship, and he treats you like his mistress or back up girlfriend. Not only do they have a kid together so they share that "happy family" bond or at least pretend to, but they obviously are still emotionally dependent and fixated on each other even. A guy who's still entangled with his ex has not truly broken up with her, they merely re-defined the parameters of their relationship that's all. He's still very much in a relationship with her. I mean, of all the people he could call to b!tch about you, he has to call her. That shows that the two of them are still in a relationship. And he is the one who has the cake and eats it too, he's the one coming out on top because he gets the best of both worlds while both you and her have to share him. he is a COWARD for not having the decency and the guts to choose one woman and stick with that. Instead he is stringing the two of you along. I suggest you break up with him immediately. He will probably come crawling to you begging to be taken back and making all kinds of promises, do not fall for it. People dont' change overnight, if at all. He may not want to give you up, but he doesn't want to give her up either. And for you, that should be unacceptable. Write him off now and look for another guy who isn't still in a relationship with someone else.
A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (17 June 2013):
 and please do take heed of the advice from other posters have offered, to never criticize his ex - not to him and not to friends (as that will get back to him).
He needs to work out for himself, by himself, what a conniving manipulative ex she really is. So he is reminded (to himself) of all the reasons he grew tired of her.
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A
female
reader, deirdre  +, writes (17 June 2013):
I will keep this short & blunt:
your relationship will never progress as long as he is spending the weekends with his ex.
there is no reason for him not to meet the child elsewhere & take the child somewhere.
you dont know what the relationship is between them, but I suspect they are still carrying on
you can and will do better than this, you deserve better
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (17 June 2013):
First she is a manipulative clingy immature ex who is not averse to using her child as a bargaining too.
But he cannot see that, so don't bother trying to convince him.
She thinks she has power over him. And right now that's what it sounds like.
If he truly cares about the child then he'll get custody sorted now. Get a court ordered DNA test. And get his name on the BC. And get the court to order her to hand over the child. Custody should not mean a weekly home to her house all day, for a visit playing 'happy families' all day, especially if he'll already in a new relationship.
This child's development is going to be compromised by such a clingly suffocating manipulative parent.
And if, after he gets custody, if she plays games and tricks to deny him access then tell him to go back to court to allow the judge to settle it. Eventually a smart Judge might wake up to her devious manipulative tricks. And just might side with the father of the child.
And if the mother of the child throws tantrums and plays up about not getting her own way then let her have her childish tantrums. Because she just might lose custody of her daughter is changed to supervised access.
But his relationship, his child, his issues with his baby mama are his own issues to solve.
Right now he's not doing a really good job to solve anything.
It worries me that he still will not take any action to formalize his connection to the child.. The child is not a short term novelty while the child is cute.
And he seems to have no courage to stand up to this ex.
I know it's going to be tough to consider stepping back and out of the picture. But you need to do the right thing in this situation.
Try to sound calm. Not emotional. But sit him down and suggest that he sort things out - give him plenty of time to do so. Tell him how special he is to you. But suggest that you are stepping back so that he can sort out his life with his ex and his child.
Properly and legally.
You might think this is sending him into his arms. But by you stepping back and making it easier to see his ex and the baby you are instead encouraging him to deal with things. By giving him the opportunity to see her more you will also be removing the sanctuary (you) that he uses to escape the intensity of his ex. This way all of the things he does not like about his ex will be made worse for him. Because he can no longer renew his spirit with you.
Let him know that once he has the official written custody determination and the birth certificate, then you will be happy to see him again.
But needing to give up seeing him so often while his ex manipulates him is no way to have a healthy relationship with him. And putting up with his ex trying to reignite what his ex thought she had with him is his problem that he needs to face. And in the middle of this is a child being used by the chil'd mother. And the child deserves better too.
Make a stand and remind him that you are making a stand and withdrawing precisely because you care.
If he lacks the courage to do the right thing and stand up to this ex, and if he lacks the courage to take action to formalize his paternity and formalize custody towards a nore workable solution (for the benefit of the child) then perhaps he's not the man of courage (or lack thereof on his part) who you do need.
It also sounds like his ex cares more about herself, and her needs, than what is right for their child.
This girl sounds unstable.
How long is she going to keep up this charade? If this girl continues manipulating and making false dire threats of what 'might happen' she may also be exposing her child to extremely poor parenting. Her child deserves much better.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2013): Ok - so I have had a very similar experience, and this is how I played it and now 2 years on..things seem to be better. My other half has 2 kids. I did not meet this kids for 8 months.. I told him I did not want to until we were stable - ths in turn made him give me more respect and by this point, kids were exited to meet me. Mother got over it aswell. Secondly, never ever bad mouth mother - speak to your friends but not the boyfriend until you know 100% that he is never going back there. You need to be everything that the mother is not - and that is a saint! Support him, love him and when you want to hate him..come on here or go to your friends. Be independent - keep your life...do not spend Saturday's hanging round for him. Men like independent women, not one who is hanging on for him and in the end your friends might get sick of inviting you places, because you are always waiting for him. Your career/college/university life - make sure this comes first. Your fella is just an added bonus - not your life. You don't need him, he is just their So you can have fun and have a bit of romance. Life with a baby mama is hard. You have to remain calm and for all decisions he has to make them. If he comes to you for advice, you can give your opinion but at the end I always say "You will make the right choice though darling - not me". We have the children every weekend - so count your lucky stars you still have a life. I feel very lucky as his children view me as a part of the family, but this took time, patience and add a little spice by being "fun" and not serious then any child would love that and in the long run, when that child is 5/6 and mother is sick of staying in all the time and wants a social life, then your fella will hopefully step in. The best thing though that you have to say to yourself, you are not the mother - you could potentially be the best friend. As with the bloke going backwards and forwards and being "happy families" - it will be hard for you, but if you follow the steps above, the man will hopefully want you part of this life. If he doesn't, go on and find the next boyfriend. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (17 June 2013):
 Personally at this point he's not even sure he's legally the father right?
I would not tolerate this from my partner.
I would tell him, "if you want to play happy daddy with this child you must get court ordered Paternity, and be on the birth certificate. In addition, you are visiting your child NOT your ex, so you should get court ordered visitation that she cannot stop" This can be set up with or without supervision if she's being difficult. If she demands supervision by the court then she has to justify why and she should have to bear the expense if there is no reason. Or maybe his mother can do it for free.
He is giving her all the power.
I would also then get court ordered child support and have it sent to her from the courts so that she has NO need TO CONTACT HIM for anything related to support or visitation.
Oh and as for baby holding her breath when she cries: Once she cries and stops breathing, she will pass out and start breathing again.. that's the cook things about kids who hold their breath... once they pass out they breathe again quite normally and it really does not hurt them.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (17 June 2013):
 I'll never understand how and why two (or more) women would argue, maneuver, agree/disagree and, basically, wrap their lives around some "man" who they both (or, all) claim to love and cherish and want to spend time with him... whilest, all the while, he is being treated and manipulated as if he was some inanimate object.... as if the women were schoolgirls fighting over a "Dora the Explorer" doll.....
O.P. Wake up! This guy continues to act like a helpless child BECAUSE YOU ALLOW IT!!!!
If he can't or won't address you and him and the relationship that YOU want... as if HE and YOU were adults... then drop him and find a real man for a partner.
His ex- seems to have found all the "hot buttons" that control him and irritate you... so, GIVE HER THE BUTTONS... AND THE MAN... and get on with your life... without either of them in it....
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, NORA B +, writes (17 June 2013):
This is a very difficult position to be and also painful for you.Your boyfriend seems to do what he wants with no reguard for you.Unless your boyfriend wants to change things ther is nothing that you can do on that level.However would you consider taking time and space out from each other and see how things work out without fully breaking up.I do understand how hard it is on you .Kind Wishes Nora B.
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