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Do I have a right to feel uncomfortable? Everyone has a past, but my boyfriend keeps dropping bombshells

Tagged as: Dating, Family, Health, The ex-factor, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (29 March 2016) 5 Answers - (Newest, 30 March 2016)
A female United Kingdom age 41-50, anonymous writes:

I have had a wonderful few months with my boyfriend but he just keeps dropping bombshells.

The first was about a one night stand he had in his unhappy marriage two years ago which he regretted. Then he told me he uses alcohol as an emotional crutch but has cut back since meeting me.

He used to drink most nights until two months ago. Last night he confessed to using cocaine in the past and last took it under a year ago while in a group at a concert where his teenager was (unbeknown to her).

His ex wife smokes a lot of drugs each to their own.

We all have a past but I have always put my grown up son first as a child so never drank heavily or touched drugs since my teen years. I think he mixed with a lot of people who took drugs.

Now hes divorced he has lost all his mutual friends and he just sees me or his family. He admits he has a side which likes to be wreckless now and then.

I am seeing red flags everywhere. He says he still likes a drink but has cut back.

I feel guarded and worried he has this side of him under the surface. We rowed today about the cocaine and how I dont think its good to take any drugs in front of children but he said its no big deal if discrete and his ex smokes dope every night with their daughter there. It feels uncomfortable now.

View related questions: divorce, drugs, ex-wife, his ex, one night stand, smokes

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A male reader, Sageoldguy1465 United States +, writes (30 March 2016):

Sageoldguy1465 agony auntOnly you can determine how may "bombshells" you can endure before you yell "Uncle"........

Good luck....

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A male reader, no nonsense Aidan United Kingdom +, writes (30 March 2016):

I think you need to go with your gut on this one. I think you clearly have a balanced view: you’re not looking to condemn some-one for their past, and do seem to understand that anyone can make a mistake.

Yet despite this, you still feel uneasy and you say that you are seeing red flags everywhere. Why is that? It’s because this isn’t the past: it’s not some series of unfortunate blunders he made at a difficult time in the dim and distant past. He last took drugs under a year ago with his daughter present. How can he be confident she didn’t know? He has been drinking too much and seems to be suggesting that it’s only because of you he’s stopped. He doesn’t seem to mind drug-taking around his daughter either. He hasn’t actually said that any of these actions from his very recent past are wrong at all. Instead, he makes excuses: the daughter didn’t see, he was at a low point etc. Why doesn’t he just say that he made some big mistakes? Then you say that he admits to having a reckless side. This is nothing more than his softening you up, either to hit you with more revelations about ‘the past,’ or to prepare the way for something else in the future. This is a man with real issues, a lot of growing up to do and a lack of any sense of personal responsibility. All this is clear after just a few months. Get out now.

I wish you all the very best.

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A male reader, eddie85 United States +, writes (30 March 2016):

eddie85 agony auntYes you do have a right to feel uncomfortable given this news about your boyfriend. in fact, I'd be worried for you if you weren't! I know if I was in your shoes, I'd feel the same way about someone I was dating.

Unfortunately, this is also the dating process. We learn more about what our prospective partners are about and we learn to trust them -- or not. That takes time.

We all have baggage and we all have made mistakes. The question is, has he learned from his mistakes and has he changed? And can you emotionally deal with the past he brings in today.

I'd be cautious too on how you proceed. Not enough time has gone by to determine which guy you are dating: the straight and sober guy, or the party guy.

Granted, being in a bad marriage and going through a divorce can cause a guy to do a lot of bad things so only time will tell what kind of man your boyfriend is. Also remember exes can be like a bad tattoo, especially when children are involved.

Only you can decide what you are willing to tolerate. At the end of the day, you have to be willing to deal with your partner and his baggage. If it is too much for you and the lifestyle he brings, then it may be best to walk away. Then again, he may be one who has learned from his mistakes and is a wiser person.

How long you want to stick around and see what's reality (and what is fantasy), however, is entirely yours.


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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (30 March 2016):

Honeypie agony auntYou two have different view points on (I bet) several issues and since it's only been a few months... I wouldn't be surprised if more "bombs" were dropped over time.

One thing is taking drugs, doing coke, but at a concert with his kid? Yes, I see how you feel that is a no-no.

I think it's a piss-poor excuse that the EX smokes dope in front of the kid on a daily basis.... How messed up is that?

And cheating on his wife with a ONS? Yes, not a great thing either. And the fact that he blames it on being unhappy in his marriage.. well, that is not exactly taking responsibility for his actions, is it?

While it was things he did in his past (and he can't change that) I think you have to consider if you two are on the same page when it comes to boundaries and values.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2016):

Not looking good at all is it. If he is trying to get you to think that drug use is acceptable then now is the time to get rid of this man before he damages your self esteem and you start to accept things that you normally wouldn't. His mask has started to slip, be very careful.

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