A
male
age
,
*rjade
writes:i have discovered that my wife of six years is having an online affair,as if thats not bad enough the third party involved mentions in his emails about my children being as his own children and says they will all be together as a new family soon,i am not sure how to approach my partner over this,i discovered it in her personal email.we share a computer,should i just file for divorce and not interrogate her,she can be violent during arguments and i am not a well man having suspected early signs of multiple sclerosis.
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female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (13 April 2012):
 Take copies of all the e-mails back and forth. And then go find the most kickass lawyer you can find. If you have any proof of prior violence from her side, bring that too.
I would NOT confront her, YOU know she is cheating, SHE knows she is cheating.
I'm sorry you have to deal with this.
And good luck, I hope you nail her to the wall.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2012): I am going to put my foot in my mouth here and advise the OP to do the following:Do whatever you have to/need to to emerge the victor here. You need to ensure that you remain financially fit and ensure thàt when you strike, you strike with purpose.Far too often adulterers and the like milk innocent people, oftÉn destroying their lives without Àny conscious and without any remorse. So OP if your wife is ready to destroy your world, you be prepared.Be prepared against her and her new man. And DON'T even consider turning the other cheek.You need to protect what is yours because if you don't, who the hell will.I am privvy to many legal cases and I KNOW that innocent spouses are taken to thÉ cleaners. LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2012): The fact he mentions your children and being together as a family shows this affair has been going on a while.Get a lawyer immediately and show him the emails,any evidence you can get, start divorce proceedings and look after your interests.do it discreetly.If you want custody of the children and to keep the home then go for that.When your wife is served with the papers it wont be pretty and you need to be strong and ready for fall out.Hope it all works out for you
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2012): Gather the evidence of her cheating - you will need this during the divorce.Then make alternate living arrangements.Get a divorce lawyer.then confront her at the same time you serve her the divorce papers, and move out on the same day.you can call a locksmith to change the locks for the day to buy you more time to move out.the fact that you even feel fear towards her, is reason enough to divorce her even if she wasn't cheating.
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A
female
reader, Foot-In-My-Mouth  +, writes (13 April 2012):
 I'd say confront her and speak things out. Atleast give her one chance to explain herself. And no, I don't think you should play dirty tricks and go on a vendetta against your own wife like Cerberus wants you to do. That's plain low and you wouldn't want to go stoop down to the level of people who compromise on their integrity and decency during divorce proceedings. Do the right thing. You will be okay. But first, give her atleast one chance to tell her side of the story instead of rushing to file for divorce.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2012): What a nasty cheating bitch. You owe her nothing.
Collect evidence and file for divorce.
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A
female
reader, agneeman  +, writes (13 April 2012):
 I am so sorry you have been treated this badly, it breaks my heart. I am also sorry you are going through this disease. To add to what the others are saying, perhaps when you do confront her it would be best to have someone else present, a relative or even a policeman. Even, the lawyer. An aggressive person will be less likely to act out with a witness present. Also you could have a camera running somewhere... Even a voice recorder like your phone.
But yes, print those mails immediately. I am so grieved about your story.
When you do confront her don't let her break you down. Even if she screams at you, calmly and firmly say "volume doesn't make you right, no matter how loud you scream it wont make what you've done right"
Maybe the confronation doesnt even have to be face to face. Perhaps you can write all of what you feel down, before or after the divorce, in a letter - just so that you dont have to deal with all those negative feelings being pent up afterwards. You are after all, not well.
Whatever happens, I truly wish the best for you from here on. I'm praying for you.
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A
male
reader, unclezak +, writes (12 April 2012):
Make sure you have evidence.
Dig around first and get some professional advice
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A
male
reader, landomando +, writes (12 April 2012):
Be a bad ass, print out the email and place the divorce papers right under it!
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (12 April 2012):
 I too am sorry for this mess.
Please talk to an attorney first before you make any decisions.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (12 April 2012):
If I were you, I'd go to a solicitor first and start making preparations. In this situation, you need to know where you stand before you do anything else.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2012): NO. Speak to your lawyer and keep quiet while gathering evidence at the same time.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (12 April 2012):
 Dear MrJade
She sounds really underhand.
Do not confront her. She had kept you out of the loop, no need to brief her on your intentions.
Get advice.
In the future you are going to need additional support with your MS so make sure that this factor is taken into account during any carve up of the marital assets.
Ensure your legal advice seeks to put in place strategies to protect your position re access to your children in the future.
Get your own papers in order.
Good advice from another poster - re printing out the emails. Or copy and paste them to another place where you can retrieve them. Or download a copy and paste onto a usb stick that you keep in a safe place.
Get yourself your own laptop pronto and password protect it.
Set up a separate bank account for you. Make sure your income is paid into this one and that only you know the password.
The best suggestion though, remains to get advice, advice, advice.
And maybe some counselling to help you cope with her betrayal and all the issues you are facing now and in the future with MS.
Do not be in a hurry to move out - protect your position - they are your children and you live in a home where you contribute to that roof over your head.
Regards
Abella
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2012): Speak to a lawyer in secret about your options first and the best way of taking her to the cleaners.
Personally I would consider printing out hard copies of all the emails that prove she was cheater. I'd also have an argument with her about it to the point where she will hit me, hopefully leave a mark and then report it to the police.
I'm not a lawyer but with proof of cheating and a police report detailing domestic violence the divorce would be very favourable in terms of assets and other things like that.
I would systematically, financially and legally tear a person who treated me the way she treats you to pieces, bit by bit. I would find every way possible to to legally make her life a living hell. I'd wrap her up in so much litigation and so many dirty tricks in the divorce that she would be left with nothing. I would slowly and carefully go over every shared asset, shared bank accounts and I would find a way of protecting mine and taking all of our shared assets and putting them places where she has no access.
Now I'm not saying this is the right course of action for you, I wouldn't ever consider this morally right except in the case of a woman cheating on me who is also violent against me, because a woman like that would do all these things so it's better to be the one with the initiative.
Look even if you don't want to do any of that stuff, here's a great link to a good few dirty tricks.
http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/copingwithlegalissues/a/divorce_tricks.htm
Now you don't have to use any of these (I would use them all) but you must be aware of them and protect yourself against them in any case. She will be very spiteful and very vindictive when this ends so make sure you know exactly what you can use against her and exactly what you need to protect yourself as applicable by UK law. Women hold a very strong position in UK law, wives are offered more protection under the law as assumed primary custodians, so you have ensure you tip the balance in your favour and if you decide to do this, it must be all in one go. Hit her with everything at once and out of nowhere. By the time she's figured out what's happening it will be too late for her to stop it.
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A
female
reader, Lucky786 +, writes (12 April 2012):
 When it comes to the emotional fall out from a divorce, there are no rules.
If I were you I would think about the practical things first like finances and living arrangements for you and your children.
I would then speak to a family lawyer about a divorce. If you decide to proceed, you will also have to think about how and when you are going to tell your children.
For the sake of your children's safety and your safety, I would not confront your wife first. I would get out and then start divorce proceedings.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (12 April 2012):
 First of all, I'm really sorry your wife is violent. Domestic abuse is really horrible no matter what the initiating gender is. If you feel like you are in danger due to her violence, then this is a delicate situation.
First of all, before you confront her, you should have an exit strategy. It's sounding like you want to leave her, right? Yes, I know that counseling or making things work is an option, but being prepared to leave is always a good idea.
Consider your financial situation. Do you have money to move out and get your own place in case she digs in and stays? Can you live on your own financially? Do you have kids at home to consider?
If you're worried about harm, then confront her with someone, not alone. Unfortunately, the court system doesn't yet see husband battering as as serious an issue as wife battering. I have a friend whose first marriage ended because his wife was violent to him. Among other things, she would wait until he was sleeping and hit him in the head with various objects like shoes or books or whatnot.
Save the emails to show as proof, because it's pretty hard to argue over black and white evidence.
Also, consider a lawyer, because if she's abusive, you'll have a tendency to want to just give up everything and run.
Good luck, and living in misery is never a good choice. Even if you feel that reconciliation is possible, having a plan for exit is always a great plan. Blindly confronting without a plan in place can get you screwed too. Trust me, the confrontation will happen.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (12 April 2012):
 Whatever is easiest and you will feel happiest with. If you don't feel there's anything to work on or nothing will change, IMO it'd just be better to get the divorce.
Sorry to hear and good luck.
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