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male
age
,
anonymous
writes: Hi. I am a married man having an affair. My wife went out of town to her mother's for two weeks and I spent that time with my mistress. Last night my wife found a receipt of dinner for 2 when my mistress and I went to a restaurant the day her flight left. She asked me if I had dinner with my girlfriend out of town the day she left. I think she was joking or was she? I was dumbfounded. In all the five years I have been with my mistress, I have never been so careless. I thought I tossed the receipt into the garbage. I am usually very careful about things. I told my wife I took a female business associate for dinner in another town on the weekend as I was at a conference. The receipt was for the Monday. I told my wife that the restaurant receipt must have had the date wrong. But I am not sure how that could be possible. My wife seemed to take my explanation at face value. But I am left feeling worried. I don't know if she believed me or not. I am really torn between two women. I am thinking that my wife is on to me now. Or am I over reacting here?
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affair, married man, mistress, my ex Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (17 March 2018):
 Hopefully she does know and she's getting all kinds of evidence to divorce you and take you to the cleaners.
Your update makes you sound like a complete narcissistic dick. I hope all this comes back to bite you in the ass.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (16 March 2018):
 So because you know she won't leave you it's OK to be a total dickwad and cheat on her?
Have you no shame? No respect for her? No love?
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (16 March 2018):
 You mean like your wife thought she knew YOU before she found out about your girlfriend?
If she didn't know BEFORE she saw the receipt, trust me, she will be hell bent on finding more proof now. Unless she has her own ulterior motives for staying with you at all costs.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2018): I am the man posting the question. I am 100 per cent sure that if my wife found out, she will still never leave me. I know her.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2018): If I were your wife I wouldn't have bought it. I would have probably caught on to what you had been doing much, much earlier. So would any wife/partner, including yours. You see, it's not about smelling like perfume or about getting caught in a lie over a restaurant bill. It's the little things, the "tells". It's different for everyone. We are all creatures of habit and no matter how careful you are there are always things you cannot control. Why? Because you're human.You're wife is maybe playing dumb as a part of a big master plan to ruin in you in the end (e.g. Chris Rock's wife tolerated numerous infidelities for almost 2 decades, coincidentally up until the original prenup expired), or she simply doesn't care and maybe even has her own special someone on the side... or she's damaged, has low self-esteem, thinks she can do no better than you and assumes the role of your doormat.No other option. Don't kid yourself into thinking that she may be blissful in her ignorance.So my question to you is why do you stay married to a conniving serpent who's plotting your ruin/indifferent cheater/doormat? It's not like you'd be publicly shamed for divorcing. Whatever answer you might give to that question no matter how profound (existential crisis BS) or pragmatic (mortgage, debts...) it may be, it still boils to this - you too are damaged in some way, somewhere along the lines of egocentricity and narcissism. Why? Because you think that what you're doing is ok. Because you're more worried about yourself and the potential unpleasant moment than all the damage you have caused so far.It's true that most people deserve each other. If your wife thinks that she can do no better than you, than she deserves no better. But you don't have that problem, see, you think that you deserve it all. Think about that. Imagine that somebody is treating your mother/sister/daughter that way. Would it still be ok, because this man has a "reason".Being responsible and treating others with respect is a choice. We are not born with a gene for decency. It's not something that comes automatically to "good people", something that the "bad people" lack. It's a decision we have to make time and time again, when it's easy and when it is tough.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek + ♥, writes (14 March 2018):
 Straight forward advice sir! Don't assume for a minute that your wife is stupid and doesn't know what is going on. I agree with Wiseowl, she could very easily have known about the affair for a long time and is playing with you, just sitting back and watching the noose get tighter and tighter around your neck, marking everything you do or don't do and just biding her time till she goes to the lawyer and SOCKS it to you. Ever thought of that?
Its possible she's just turning a blind eye to you, choosing to ignore it assuming you'll get tired of the mistress and not want to lose your home, 1/2 your income, ect.
Aside from all of this, WHY has it been going on for 5 years? Come on man...be a decent guy and choose either your wife or the mistress. You aren't being fair to either one of them.
You're getting complacent and sloppy and you're going to get caught one way or another. Give it up.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2018): My guess is your wife has known of your mistress for some time. Keep paying the bills on time, and buy her very expensive gifts!
Maybe she's testing you just to see what kind of explanation you'd come with. A game of cat and mouse!
You got sloppy, and she's just letting you know that she knows what's-up! Now she's in your head! You have no idea what's she's going to do about it, or how much she knows? If anything!
If she let's it go, you're a lucky guy! She may have a ton of evidence that you're cheating; and could just take you to the cleaners. Karma's a bitch!
Maybe she knows, maybe not! It must be driving you nuts wondering what's up her sleeve?
Women are very intuitive creatures. For her, all I can say is...GOOD SHOW! You told a lie, and you'r trapped like a rat!
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (14 March 2018):
 You're not overreacting. You are focusing on the wrong thing, though. You should be realising AN AFFAIR IS NOT OKAY. Own up. Seriously. Be a decent person. If you genuinely love your wife, at all, let her make the decision whether to stay or leave.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2018): If your wife doesn't know already eventually she will find out. Someone will see you together or you'll leave something around that gives the game away. You should not be cheating on your wife.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (14 March 2018):
Are you more concerned with LYING to your wife than being a good husband?
Is that what you are asking?
You know EVENTUALLY she will find out. And she WILL be hurt.
How about you BE a decent human being and husband and divorce your wife or end your affair?
I hope Karma will ride you and back up over you.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (14 March 2018):
 I think the girlfriend comment was a joke, but am sure your wife is a smart women, and it won't take long to notice other things and question other things. It might be a case that she has an idea but does not want to know, or it could be a case that she completely trusts you.
Either way I think you should be looking at what you are doing to your wife and either end things with the mistress or get a divorce, I mean come on five years? This is cruel to both women!!
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A
female
reader, Ciar  + ♥, writes (14 March 2018):
 I think her comment about the mistress was a joke. I've heard people make them before, be it their own imaginary 'boyfriend/girlfriend' or their partner's.
If the receipt were hand written from a diner type place then yes, it's possible she totally accepted it, but it was most likely a computer generated one in which case she believes you for now. And that's more of an absent minded belief.
Date and time is something you only need to set when your computer is brand new, you've re-installed your OS or you've changed it manually for some reason and are changing it back. Otherwise date and time is set and computers even automatically adjust for daylight savings time.
Either way I think this should be viewed as a temporary reprieve. Within a matter of weeks or months she's going to start noticing other things you thought you'd concealed, doing some digging, and piecing things together.
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