A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My fiance stares a lot at women in front of me. I've talked to him about it, but to no avail. His staring can get blatant, up and down looks, looking at their rear. No matter where we go, he looks or tries to sneak a peek in. I see it all even if he tries to attempt to cover it up. I'm growing so tired of this behavior.It was suggested here on this site that I get up and go somewhere else if that happens and so I did just that.We were in my favorite coffee shop and sitting at a table at the far end. On the other end of the room sitting on the couch was a lady with her young daughter. My fiance was glancing over at the lady a few times. No one else was in the room. So, after a while I said I am going to the restroom. I decided to stay in the restroom and it was close to 20 minutes. He did not come and find me or call me on my cell.I decided to return to our table as I was getting frustrated and it was cold in the bathroom and it was only one bathroom and others may need to use it. The lady with the daughter had another girlfriend on the couch with her that must of met up with her there while I was gone.When we left, my fiance glanced back at the lady as we left the coffee house.The next morning we went back to the coffee house and we talked about the university that was close by and the number of coffee houses in the area and how students must be employed at these places.My fiance then told me, do you remember that lady from yesterday. I said yes, and he proceeded to tell me that he talked to her, how her young daughter was going to love this area (the both of us were on a short weekend vacation to the area). He said the lady told him she worked at the university library and that the students hold down 3 or 4 jobs and that the students are all very sharp.So, instead of trying to find me, he was chatting her up. He had told me before once, that the way to get to a mom (to bed them) is through their kids. That guys will do that. So of course I am thinking that is what he was doing in this situation.Don't you think after 20 minutes of my absence he would have been getting concerned and knocked on the restroom door or tried my cell?
View related questions:
fiance, university Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2012): I went with a guy similiar to yours. He was a divorced man and middle-aged.
I'm a self confessed major snoop and I happened upon his dating site files. He printed out all the e-mail correspondence between his dates and put them in separate files.
One file was fascinating. The girl was gorgeous and he met her for their one and only date. But in their correspondence to each other he told her how he loved kids followed by an explanation point. The woman had a younger child at home.
When I dated him he told me how he did not really like children, but here he had told this woman the total opposite.
So, you know, there are guys who will say or do anything to get a women in bed, pretending to be something they are not just for the sex.
It's low, yes, but these sort of guys will prey on a woman hoping they will believe what they are saying.
It's used or be used.
It's sick really, but not beneath some men to do this.
They are posers.
Unfortunately, there are gullible women out there and that is what these types of men are hoping to find.
That is why I firmly believe in todays dating world that a woman really "has to know" WHO they are dating, whether that be running a background check, checking on their computer, all correspondence, financial records, etc. to find out who they are really dealing with.
I make no apologies for doing that. I'd rather be safe than sorry.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2012): I think Fatherly Advice said it well...that you were a victim of poor advice to be told to get up and leave if he is staring at other women. Also, as Oldbag posted...that perhaps he is not truly ready to settle down and doesn't realize that fact himself.
Ogling other women in front of your partner, someone that you asked to marry (!!), is rude and disrespectful. Yes, a glance is okay but not two or three or the elevator look--up and down!!
AND you have talked to him about it and he still continues to do it. It's like he can't control himself.
What is he...12 years old??
So now your time is spent being on "Alert" to see where his eyes are going. That is an awful way to have to spend your time. So yes, I do see where you would want to remove yourself from the situation.
Why should she have to sit there and endure that behavior at all!!
Would a male in a relationship be "okay" with his girlfriend eyeing up other men in his presence, all the time, every time they go out together in public to the point of being distracted or trying to get another male's attention???
What male reader anonymous wrote about respecting his wife hits the nail on the head and I am sure more women wish all men could be this way, but sadly they are all not which leads to a diminished relationship.
Others said what you did was wrong, but you tried a different tactic and it didn't work. How would you know unless you didn't try? So don't beat yourself up over it. You just happened to followed advice that wasn't well given.
I suggest talking to him, "again." Communication is the key, but I think you really have to drive it home with this one because he is just not getting it.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2012): Oh dear Hennessey. The point is, is that the OP has already discussed that something hurts her. And he isn't listening or considering her feelings. If it is how she feels, its how she feels. There are some deeper trust issues they need to work on.
...............................
A
male
reader, Hennessy1989  +, writes (14 November 2012):
 Women are crazy, all he did was talk to someone while his girlfriend threw a childish strop in a public toilet, and based on one comment about getting to women through their kids, which could have been just a joke, you all think he's cheating, it's quite ridiculous. I suppose this question would never have been asked if he was having small talk with a man. Here's a lesson for all women, we all look at women, we all talk to them, it doesn't mean we're going to sleep with them all behind your back.
...............................
A
female
reader, Sweet-thing +, writes (14 November 2012):
 Well you did it all wrong. If you are going to walk away from a man to make a point of it, then you simply get up and storm off. If you tell him you're going to the bathroom, he will not get the message that you're pissed becuase he behavior is inappropriate, he will just assume you're powdering your face or changing a tampon. But more importantly why would you think for a moment that this man actually wants to be married or that he has the capacity to be faithful afterwards? I think you are fooling yourself. He is clearly still cruising for women. Why are you wasting your time on this man? If you honestly think you have a future with him, then you have to lay out some very specific guidelines on what s acceptable husband behavior and what is not going to be tolerated. It's that simple.
...............................
A
male
reader, DV1 +, writes (14 November 2012):
 He might have just been talking to her. Making small talk isn't horrible. Lots of people do it. If he started ripping her clothes off and having sex with her, or touching her, or making out with her, then you'd have a problem. It's all gravy. Stop being insecure, or you'll push him away...
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2012): You'd like to think your fiance only had eyes for you. I can understand glancing at someone who you might find attractive. But to actually check them out front & back when you are with your partner, is rude.
...............................
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (13 November 2012):
 After 12 good answers there is still something to be said.
Back when I was in the ministry we had a saying, "if you don't look once you're not a man, If you look again you're not a minister". My wife informed me when we were engaged that I would also not be engaged If I looked again. I think it is a reasonable restriction that everyone, except Hennessy and his stoney dogs, could live with.
Hennessy and several others were right that hiding out in the toilet was not the right move. Mostly because it was ineffective. you were trying to communicate with him and he failed to get the message. He failed to notice you were communicating.
I'm sorry that you were the victim of poor advice. My advice is to go back to the basics of Trust and Communication.
FA
...............................
A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (13 November 2012):
Another thing, he didn't know you were going to be in the bathroom for 20 mins so you could have come out in say 10 and he would have been talking to this woman.He may have been talking across the room,she may have started the conversation.When your chatting time goes quicker so he probably didn't know how long you had been gone.
Talk to him
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2012): If this was how my wife was feeling about me, than it was I who has failed her as a man.I don't go about staring at other women when my wife is present with me. I respect her too much to do that. I want her to feel secure in her relationship with me. She shouldn't have to be made to feel that she is in competition with other women.He must have been doing this for quite some time. It gives the rest of us men a bad name. We are not all like that. I'm a guy and I wouldn't associate with a man that is pandering to young women. I know a lot of guys that wouldn't either. He sounds like a sly player but you are on to him.You can do better, trust me.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2012): If he just looked at other women and left it at that I would not think there is a problem. All men do this and it doesn't mean they are going to cheat. Also the fact he didn't call you after 20 mins doesn't mean a whole lot. he may have thought you just had a bit of an upset stomach and was waiting for you to come out of the loo. However the fact that he talked to this women he has no connection to and the stuff he told you about using women's kids to chat them up makes me think he is a creep and you shouldn't trust him. A nice man will look but not touch.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (13 November 2012):
 Walking out and hiding in the bathroom is pointless. Let's say you had to go #2 - you would have been annoyed if he was pestering you by knocking on the door or calling your cell because it took you 20 min instead of a 2 minute pee..... If you had wanted to "walk away" you would have left.. not hid in the bathroom.
You need to SPELL it out. And not in public but at home. TELL HIM how it makes you feel that he is ogling other women and I would also mention that he IN FACT had brought up the "trick" of "getting lucky" with "moms" by paying attention to the kid.
I would ALSO rethink this engagement, because honey.. a RING on your finger and some vows.. will NOT stop his behavior.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2012): I've read the other posters answers here and wanted to add that he did tell you he talked to her. To be fair, he didn't have to tell you at all. On the flip side, by him telling you, maybe he was trying to make you jealous and to get a rise out of you. All of this could be very innocent and all he was doing was just talking to her and that was that. But, I do get where you are coming from with his staring at other women and over time that can start to destroy your self-esteem and wear you down. I've encountered this once with a guy and it did a number on my self-esteem and I reached a point where I couldn't take it anymore. No amount of pleading or crying would make him stop staring at women even though he knew how much it hurt me. I had to end it before I lost my mind and myself. I am much better now and have healed but it will be a long time before I can trust a man so there is still damage to contend with.
...............................
A
male
reader, Hennessy1989 +, writes (13 November 2012):
To be honest you sound like a nightmare girlfriend, your too old to be playing stupid games hiding in a toilet, it's quite ridiculous, so what if he takes the odd look at other women? So long as he's not doing anything with them. Sort out your own jealousy issues, because this and any other with a set of stones won't put up with you for long
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2012): Maybe I have become more cynical in my old age, but I do not believe he was just chatting to chat.You said he likes to stare at women and here he was doing just that at a young woman with her daughter in tow.It was subtle what he did, and looked oh so innocent, but I bet he wanted to garner some attention from her. Make her aware that he was there. Make his presence known and he probably likes to seek the approval of other females.I would have done what So Very Confused suggested and tell him EXACTLY why you are leaving the table. Maybe you couldn't, maybe it was cold out or he had the car and the only option was to retreat to the bathroom. But, I would have taken a long walk back to your hotel and let him have the job of trying to find you.I feel most men would have called your cell or knocked on the bathroom door to make sure you were okay at the very least, but he was too engrossed in impressing himself upon this other woman and didn't pay any attention to the time. Plus, with you gone, he found that as an opportunity to engage in conversation with her.Sounds like he is still looking or at least at the younger models out there. I hate to be harsh, but since I am not a trusting individual to begin with, I can understand how you feel and his staring at other women is undermining your relationship with him and causing damage. Hence, you will be reading things into every situation when you go out with him in public because you are unsure of what his motives really are and will be thinking he just wants to get any woman into bed.He has issues. It's easy to say to move on, but I would really sit down and evaluate this relationship. If you aren't happy then find someone that will make you happy. I wouldn't want to waste my time having to fret every time he stares at other women and in your presence, no less. He doesn't value you. That is obvious.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2012): If the lady sitting was a man - would he look over too?My husband tends to be very visual. When we were dating he would look and make comments about other women. I snapped acouple of times and he stopped it. Now that I'm not as 'sensitive' about it (he's more verbal telling me how beautiful I am, how much he loves me, how he would not ever want anyone else), I notice that he still looks around, but at everyone. So I see him looking at a guy with ugly pants on, a woman with tattoo's on her arms, an overweight little kid, a pretty girl....he looks at everything. He's alot more observant than me. I think early on I might have been alot more insecure and thus aware especially when he looked at other women.Could this be possible for you both also?So_very_confused was right. Make sure he is aware that you are upset and then walk away. Tell him exactly what your seeing and how it makes you feel and then remove your presence. End the date. Hopefully he will learn quickly and curb his behavior.
...............................
A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (13 November 2012):
 You don't trust the guy TBH so playing games by hiding in the bathroom ain't going to change him.
Tell him to his face that you want him to stop checking out other women. If he doesn't stop then it's safe to say this is one 'hump' in the road you cannot get your relationship past and maybe it's time to say 'Goodbye, you arn't for me'
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (13 November 2012):
 "Sounds" to me like your fiance is quite a dog.... and you are walking in to a tumultous - and risky - marriage... You're spoken to him about this (staring at others), and he STILL does it?
It's one thing to have a casual glance... quite another to STARE..... AND your anecdote about his "chatting up" the lady in the coffee shop.... SHOULD, in my humble opinion, be an EYE-OPENING incident....
Your choice.... but.... if you are on here in 4 years to lament your lousy marriage, I reserve the right to say, "I told you so..."
Good luck...
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2012): Instead of leaving, try saying, "I am growing uncomfortable with the amount of time you are looking at the woman over there. We have discussed this many times. I know you know my upset and unease over this. Is there some reason why you cannot control your actions?" Give him a chance to answer.
THEN leave, and not to the restroom.
When is the wedding? Perhaps it is time to do the pre-marital counseling, so you two can work out this issue. Presumably this is not the only concern you have with your husband-to-be?
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (13 November 2012):
 you are playing games honey.
you said "i'm going to the rest room" when my husband goes to the rest room he could be gone for a while... maybe you had to go really badly and he didn't want to disturb you. IF you had needed him you would have called or texted him to come help you.....
You needed to say to him "I do not like how you stare blatantly at other women when you are with me. In case you are not aware of it, you are doing it right now with that lady over there. I cannot tolerate this behavior as I find it upsetting and disrespectful, therefore I am leaving" and then you needed to LEAVE NOT HIDE in the bathroom.
Sounds to me like he was not "chatting her up" but rather if they were the only two adults there he was just passing time.... you were after all gone a long time...
...............................
A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (13 November 2012):
Hi
I don't think he was chatting her up, he was just chatting in general,he told you about it after all.
But yes it was thoughtless and added to that his blatant checking out of other women maybe he simply is not ready to settle down, perhaps he doesn't even realise that fact himself.Its almost like he simply takes you for granted.
...............................
|
