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Dealing with low self-esteem and body image from acne scars

Tagged as: Dating, Health<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (5 December 2017) 8 Answers - (Newest, 8 December 2017)
A female United States age 26-29, anonymous writes:

Hi guys,

I have been dating a guy for close to 2 months. We have a great connection and i really like him. But he cares too much about physical appearance. I think I am good looking, both body and face, but have hypopigmented acne scars on my butt from a decade ago I am so insecure of going naked with him that I have thought about ending our relationship. Although it would suck to lose a relationship over something so trivial :( What can i do? Especially when I know he is going to judge me.

P.S. I am going to the dermatologist day after tomorrow. I know I should have gone sooner, was too shy,ashamed and embarrassed.

View related questions: acne, insecure, shy

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A reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2017):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thank you all for being so kind. You are right, even if i have to deal with rejection, I would at least know i didn't lose a good one. That is more important.

@Allumeuse I have been wondering the same. But to be fair all of us are superficial during the initial phase of attraction, it is natural to make a judgement. Probably why I thought it is okay, but I really need to rethink if I want this all my life.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2017):

Yes unfortunately many men do expect women to. E one hundred percent flawless especially when most of them consume porn with airbrushed women constantly all over the Internet br guess what, this attitude that so many men hold is actually a blessing to us women. Why? Because it helps us to filter out the few good ones who care about more than a woman's body.

This will actually be just one small test of what your man is truly made of and whether he is truly worth keeping. Pregnancy and the changes it bring and getting older as a woman are other huge life stages that bring the same tests. Unfortunately many men fail these times and leave women when they get stretch marks from pregnancy or their faces line with age. They leave good women for younger women. This is your chance to find out what he's made of before you commit.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2017):

Hi there,

First of all, I am another responder who can totally relate. I have hyperpigmentation and also some deeper scars below the surface of my skin on my chin that gives a "hollowed out" and very dappled appearance in sunlight.

My skin issues used to really depress me, and I was completely convinced that I would shock any male who saw me without makeup, and they wouldn't love me anymore. Well, I was wrong. I felt like a freak, but over time I met so many other people with similar problems. They just hide it under makeup just like we do, so you don't know. So, I want you to know there are many many of us with the same skin issues.

Now-- I don't think you should date this man if he is overly obsessed with appearance. He sounds shallow and I think it would be better to find someone less focused on looks.

On a final note, I wanted to let you know that there are some products that can help lighten hyperpigmentation, and that helped for me. Mine aren't totally gone but this helped for sure. I think there are also natural ones that may or may not work.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (7 December 2017):

Honeypie agony auntIs he totally flawless himself? I bet, he is not!

Yes, it would be stupid to BREAK up with you over acne on YOUR bum - but if he is THAT shallow do you really want to be with him? Imagine if you later get pregnant and get stretchmark or gain weight?

Either he can accept you, bum-acne and all or HE can't BE with you.

OP, no one is perfect.

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A male reader, Allumeuse United Kingdom + , writes (7 December 2017):

If this guy cares too much about physical appearance- why do you like him? Do you like vain shallow people? Are you a bit like that yourself, and you feel that this is your one flaw? If you stay with him are you not consigning yourself to a life of constant insecurity? If it bothers you go to the dermatologist but think hard about why you want to be with this guy? It's great to want to take care of yourself. It shows respect for the one body you have been given and your SO but exercising and watching what you eat is different from having to worry about hyperpigmentation on your backside. How quickly do you think these scars are going to go away? I think fessing up and looking at his reaction will give you a lot of insight as to this guy is worth the trouble.

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (7 December 2017):

N91 agony auntIF he does break up with you because of it, why would you want to be with him anyways? Surely you would want to be with someone who is accepting of whatever flaws you feel you have?

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A male reader, Denizen United Kingdom + , writes (7 December 2017):

Denizen agony auntIf he can't accept you he isn't the one for you. It's as simple as that. Be honest. You can't help it. Good luck with the dermatologist. Make sure he is a good one.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2017):

From someone who can 100% relate, I’m gonna tell u MY story. When I was younger, I had severe acne. It was so bad, I had to see a dermatologist and I had to be put on this medicine called Acutane which is used only in severe cases, so let me tell you, I can relate.

I dated this guy when I was 16 that was super obsessed with self image. He would point out all of my stretch marks, acne scars, and told me that I should wear makeup to cover it up. I was physically and emotionally abused for almost a year by this guy who I thought was the love of my life.

Finally, when my mother noticed what was going on, she stepped in and helped me end that relationship. Now, I’m 20 and I’ve been in a 2 year relationship with a guy that loves every inch of my body, scars and all. But, that’s not important. What’s important is that in that gap between these 2 guys, I learned to love myself.

You are beautiful, you are strong, and if this guy doesn’t see that, he doesn’t deserve you. You deserve someone that will love you unconditionally, inside and out. But you need to love yourself first.

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