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Why the strange reaction to my bridesmaid offer?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Friends<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (5 December 2017) 10 Answers - (Newest, 23 January 2018)
A female United States age 26-29, anonymous writes:

Hi Everyone :)

I have a best friend who is acting strange. She recently started acting odd ever since I got engaged in August of 2017.

I asked her if she would be my maid of honor? She said yes, then I met up with her at a restaurant and got her a maid of honor necklace along with a bag. She acted odd there as well. She really liked the bag, then she told the waitress it is her birthday. Which her birthday was months ago. That was odd lol. and I even said hey if you don't feel like being a bridesmaid it is alright we will still be friends ...I understand since some people are worried about the costs and the whole ordering the birthday cake was out of character for her.

Lately, I have been wanting to do things with her but she keeps canceling. She has never been like this before. We have been friends for over 6 years and always gone out together, we even share a lot of mutual friends together. I even set up her brother with one of my friends?? I have a feeling unfortunately the friendship will be over because of me being engaged.

Should I just tell her, hey are you acting this way because I am engaged ? Not really sure, what to ask her or how should I approach this?

View related questions: best friend, engaged

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A reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2018):

Here's what happened**. Well, I did ask her why she keeps canceling on bridesmaid outings and no I haven't mentioned much on the wedding to any of the bridesmaid. I didn't want to be that bride to be that is constantly talking about her wedding. She basically told me she is pissed that I am getting married before her and she doesn't want to be friends. 6 Years of friendship down the tubes just because I got engaged before her. Some people are ridiculous. Thanks for all the answers, you all were pretty much spot on. Thanks again

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland +, writes (13 December 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntYeah it sounds like she has some envy because you are getting married and that is what she wants for herself. It could also be the fact that she is scared off loosing you.

Either way if she is a close friend talk to her and let her try and explain. I know how exciting it is to plan for a wedding and maybe all you have been talking about is the wedding and engagement without realizing and forgetting to ask her about her life and how she is.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2017):

********From the poster**************

Thanks everyone for the replies. I have been a bridesmaid for friends weddings before. I am paying for the costs of the dress, already got the bag as well and hair. Only thing they have to do is their own makeup,etc. I just wanted it stress free for anyone .

**Additional information, she has a boyfriend who she has been with for over 3 years. There's pictures of him and her but she never lets anyone meet him lol. I know she always mentioned she wonder when he will propose. I never been the type to talk about weddings,etc. So yeah probably another factor...

Thanks for the advice and input def. will talk to her about it in a calm friendly matter and if she acts any other way well I guess like you all said call her out on it and I have my answer.

Thanks so much all are great. :)

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2017):

Just an idea

Have you ever considered the possibility that she could be in love with you?

One of my friends got married and her best friend who turned out to be a lesbian was totally normal until she was asked to attend the wedding and then she started to act very strange.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2017):

Is she single? She could be irrationally angry that you are leaving the single girl's club and worry that things won't be the same between you two.

But, I think she is dealing with it in a very immature way. She sounds like she needs the attention to be all on her all the time to compensate. I would be worried that she will drop out or cause drama...not stress that you need.

You should sit down have a talk with her, explain how much you love her and value her friendship, then say you've noticed a change in her behaviour. DON'T tell her that she is acting jealous or anything like that (that will be a bad trigger). Instead say, look for whatever reasons I know that me asking you to be a maid of honor might be stressful...I really don't want to put added pressure on you. Although I would love it if you want to be a bridesmaid, if this is something that you feel is adding to your stress lately, I would be just as happy if you supported me from the audience/congregation at the wedding. Say this is something that involves some real commitment, so if you agree to go forward, I need you to be fully committed and not bail out when things get even more stressful! I do need to know in advance if this is something you can commit to, or if this is something you may find is too much as the time gets closer"

See what she says. She owes you a straight answer.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (7 December 2017):

Honeypie agony auntI agree with N91,

Call her out on it. If she is acting like this, it might be that she resents the "responsibility" of being your MoH, she resent your hubby-to-be or she feels like saying no would be mean or rude...

Talk to her. THAT is what friends do.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2017):

I don't get it that in America it costs a person money to be a bridesmaid. Here in the UK generally if you're asking someone to be part of your wedding then you pay for their dress, shoes, flowers etc... Only thing they'd pay for us their spot on your hen do. Just be upfront and ask her what's up

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A male reader, Been there Now over it United States +, writes (6 December 2017):

Does she have any issues with the fellow you are marrying? That's the first thing I think of...some odd denial or resentment of you getting married. Do you have any mutual friends who might be able to fill you in regarding her attitude?

The most direct way, of course, is to ask her very nicely about her actions and if she has any issue with being your maid of honor. Preface your question with how much you value her friendship and how important it is to you that she be your maid of honor.

This could be a problem...she may drop out at the last moment or do something else strange. So it is best to take care of this now.

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A female reader, Xx-Scorpio-xX United Kingdom + , writes (6 December 2017):

Xx-Scorpio-xX agony auntShe could be jealous?

Do you keep mentioning your wedding/engagement to her and when you want to meet up is it always stuff to do with it like planning, or is it just general things you used to do?

Ask her directly, if it's because of your engagement then maybe tone down how much you talk about it around her if you always mention it to her?

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (6 December 2017):

N91 agony auntIf you don't want to lose the friendship then I'd call her out on it.

Something along the lines of 'Hey, I've noticed you have been acting a little out of character towards me for quite a while now, I want to make sure everything's okay'. Give her chance to share her side. If she says nothing's up then I don't really see anything else that you can do and think it may be time to find a new bridesmaid.

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