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Could he be gay? Is he not attracted to me?

Tagged as: Gay relationships, Health, Marriage problems, Sex, Virginity<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (12 August 2018) 4 Answers - (Newest, 16 August 2018)
A female United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

I am now wondering whether my husband might be attracted to men and not women...

My husband and I met online about a year and a half ago, we dated for about a year when he proposed. He was keen on getting married even just a month into dating, which I thought was too soon. I then fell in love, and when he proposed about nine months later I didn’t think that things moved too quickly, though my friends expressed concern. We’ve now been married about three months.

Before we got married, we didn’t live together, and while I am not a virgin, my husband was a virgin. He’s very religious and does not believe in sex before marriage.

So then I found out on our wedding night that he can’t get it up. We tried to do it, but he just couldn’t get it up. That’s when he told me that he has troubling getting hard and it’s always been an issue and that he just hasn’t been able to ejeculate. I didn’t ask any more questions about it, because I didn’t know what to say.

We’ve since been to a doctor, though. And the doctor prescribed viagra. The pill worked the first time we used it, but we’ve used the pill a few more times and he hasn’t been able to get it up again.

He is currently 38 years old. Could this just be an erectile dysfunction thing?

I know he also has some anxiety, though he’s not diagnosed and he doesn’t take medication for it. I just know that certain things make him anxious so this could be performance anxiety.

And he usually initiates getting physical so I know he has the desire.

If it’s a medical condition I can live with that. I’m just worried he might just not be attracted to me or women.

Any advice is helpful. Please let me m or if you need more information.

View related questions: fell in love, met online, the pill, viagra, wedding, wedding night

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (16 August 2018):

aunt honesty agony auntWhy would this make you feel that he is gay? That doesn't make much sense to me unless off course you have saw him looking at male porn or chatting to men?

It does sound like you both rushed in to marriage. You barely knew each other long before getting married. I am not talking about sex but you both should have at least waited a while and he should have been completely honest with you about his issues. It is sad that he entered in to a marriage with you based on lies.

He tried on the wedding night but he struggled. Yes it does sound like performance anxiety. Where you both very affectionate to each other before you got married? He told you it has always been an issue, so I doubt it has anything to do with you personally and you shouldn't take it that way. I am sure he can make you feel attractive in other ways like being affectionate, giving you compliments, making you feel loved ect. You did say you fell in love with him so he must make you feel good.

It worked the first time so it sounds like it could be a mental problem. Did the doctor suggest doing any tests to make sure all was ok? You say it didn't work the other times, did you see him taking the tablet? It could also be another thing that your husband is asexual and simply has no real interest in sex. Maybe you could both go and talk to a therapist?

Yes it could be erectile dysfunction or it could be performance anxiety or it could be he has not interest in sex or it could be medical. That is why the doctor needs to do some tests.

If he suffers from anxiety then maybe he should see a therapist. It might help him over come his problems. As for medication for anxiety well that can cause trouble with not getting it up so I doubt that would help things. He should go back to the doctor and set up some appointments.

You know he has the desire so I think that shows he does want you and does find you attractive, so don't take it personally. To me it sounds like it is mental related. You say he is religious could it have been drummed in to him that sex was a bad thing and now he struggles? He really does need professional help. I also think he needs your support and love. Try not to judge him or ask him is he attracted to you. Be a supportive wife and hopefully in time things will get better.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (15 August 2018):

I'm presuming the problem is performance-anxiety. If he waited until he was 38 and married before having sex; he's probably anxious about what he's supposed to do and how. I find it extremely odd how quickly he rushed into marriage, however.

Your post is sketchy and leaves out significant information.

How did the Viagra "work," as you put it? Did you actually have intercourse? How many times did you successfully have sex? Assuming you ever did. You just said it worked. That could only mean he was able to achieve an erection. Not that he did anything with it!

Anxiety, cardiovascular disease, high blood pressure; or issues with the prostate gland can cause erectile-dysfunction. Just plain fear of sex; if you've never had it before!

You can test and see if he has complete erectile-dysfunction just by checking each night while he's sleeping for nocturnal-erections; and mornings when he first gets-up, for evidence of an erection (aka a morning boner). It happens regularly for healthy men. He is your husband, and he should be comfortable with you fiddling and diddling with his equipment. It might help him to get used to someone touching it other than himself.

I urge you to be affectionate, and you should encourage a lot of body-contact. Wrestle and tease each other playfully. So his anxieties can ease-up or subside. Just don't push or show your suspicions or frustration. That won't help, if it is caused by anxiety.

Doctors don't usually prescribe Viagra or Cialis (Tadalafil) for ED; until they've done a full-examination, and tested for diabetes and other physiological-disorders that may attribute to the inability to achieve or maintain a full-erection. Some who aren't particularly "ethical" may prescribe it for the asking. Without determining the actual cause of ED, or reaching a medical diagnosis by process of elimination. I hope you didn't order Viagra it on the internet! They could put one real pill in the bottle and the rest are fake!

Not totally ruling-out the possibility of him being gay. Let that be the last thing you conclude.

Did you ever kiss and make-out during your brief courtship? What do you call "initiating getting physical?"

Going as long as he has without actually having sex will no doubt lower his sex-drive. He may have extremely low testosterone levels. You've left-out so much in your post, it is very difficult to even make an educated-guess.

Has he only seen a general practitioner, or a specialist? He should see an endocrinologist or urologist. I don't think you should conclude he's gay; until you've ruled-out all the psychological or physiological possibilities.

You should exhaust all the other possibilities before jumping to conclusions. See one of the specialist I mentioned above. There may still be an underlying health-reason that has gone undiagnosed.

Sometimes people are a product of a very strict religious-upbringing/brainwashing. I'm Christian, and I have no issues with abstinence or worship. I'm simply suggesting that there are fanatical or fundamentalist religious-sects that are so fervent about premarital-sex or promiscuity; that people can break under their very relentless and unyielding rules. Forgetting the fact that God's mercy is endless and everlasting. They condemn you to hell on the spot. Never-mind God's judgement!

Some churches or organized-religions go far beyond what was ever written in the scriptures. You have zealots that are almost lethal! People get carried-away and they go overboard! Not in obedience to the law of the Bible, or their chosen religious-doctrine; but due to crazy interpretations that try to out-do God Himself! Piety on steroids!

There could be a problem with "over-conditioning" leaving him with emotional-scars. Admonishing a male-child for being aroused, over-stressing sex as evil or sinful. Shaming a teenager for masturbation; and unconscionable behavior such as putting a child through "Conversion Therapy" for being gay. There may be secrets being held from you. Just rule-out health-reasons first. Give him benefit of the doubt.

Go easy, and urge him to seek professional-evaluations from specialists who may be able to help. You're both young, and shouldn't submit to the assumption there is nothing you can do about it. If it turns out his ED cannot be treated; be loving and affectionate to each other all the same. Cross that bridge when you get to it.

If you really cannot accept a sexless-marriage; then there is annulment!

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (13 August 2018):

Honeypie agony auntSo he pulled a bait and switch.

He didn't MENTION his erectile dysfunction BEFORE he proposed and married you. Why is that? Well, my guess? He either presumed that he would have no problem with a REAL woman (as opposed to his hand) OR he figured that once you get married you won't complain.

Both are pretty selfish of him.

One thing is being OK to wait until marriage for sex... another is to get "conned" into marrying a man who can't satisfy his wife sexually.

Now I do find it strange that his doctor just gave him Viagra and didn't do blood-tests for low testosterone or heart problems. BOTH which can cause ED.

Viagra doesn't FIX ED. It's a band aid. Not a cure.

So IF he takes Viagra with OTHER un-diagnosed medical conditions his doctor is actually putting his health in danger.. for what? A hard on?

I think:

1. he needs to go back to the doctor... Preferably a NEW doctor. Have a total work over done. Testosterone levels checked etc.

2. He might want to consider working out. It can help with the anxiety and the ED. (believe it or not).

3. get help with the anxiety. If he isn't into medication (and I don't blame him) he should at least try a therapist.

NONE of it is YOUR fault OP. If he has a medical condition, there is probably a medical solution. IF he does nothing, nothing will happen and this will be your "sex-life" in marriage for as long as you stay married.

In the mean while I think putting SEX or rather intercourse on the back burner would be a good idea. Spend a good 30 days with plenty of touching. Like hugs, kissed, shoulder rub, cuddles, a pat on the bum or whatnot. BUT NO SEX or attempt of sex.

That might help calm his anxiety if he suffers from performance issues. Then after a month, stick to only touching/oral, see how that goes. IF he is adventurous in bed that is. A man CAN get a woman off with just using his fingers and/or tongue.

Also if the only sexual things he has done (before you) was masturbation he might have turn himself off sex - especially if he is also very religious and view it as a sin. Which can trigger anxiety and the anxiety triggers the ED.

So yes, he needs to seek help. You can support him but just remember THIS is NOT your doing and you can't FIX it for him.

Also, I don't think he is gay. Nothing in your post make me think that he is.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (13 August 2018):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntNothing you have written suggests he is gay. especially as you write that he is the one who initiates physical (and I assume, sexual) contact.

Has he ALWAYS suffered with erection problems? If so, I would be pressing for a full medical screening to find out if there is an underlying physical cause. Even if he has NOT always had this problem, a full physical would be a good idea to rule out anything which can be treated simply and quickly.

In the absence of anything physical, and given his anxiety issues, this is far more likely to be down to psychological issues. Keep the physical contact going. Cuddle a lot, kiss a lot, show a lot of physical affection. Perhaps take off pressure for actual intercourse, as this is currently just setting him up for more anxiety, but seek help via your doctor.

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