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age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: Met this guy six months ago. Before that he was working but resigned from his job due to a disagreement with his boss. Six months later and he is still unemployed. Talking all this crap on marriage and having kids which i see it as a sacrifice. I openly refuse a pregnancy. Anyway I was getting tired of his laziness, going to sleep late , 26 years old and still living with his mother. Going online and surfing for jobs seemed to be an entertainment. He would get job offers and decline them with a lame reason. So I sent him to an agency where job seekers are granted jobs the same day. Oh no!!! He wanted a clerical job!! A position that is no longer available. I just bursted in anger and told him how I felt and my observations. I didn't even curse at him. Today , he texts me expressing how sick I got him after our conversation , that I was unethical, that I treated him like crap, that I should learn how to speak to him. All this because I told him to find a job . I work have my own place and refuse to pick up a man who I sence wants to live off me. The other day he was talking about getting an apartment with an extra bedroom so he can move in his mother who is deaf and schizophrenic. I don't want that extra charge on my back! Am I wrong about this? Am I overreacting? Or is my pms kicking in? What was the best way of handling this situation because it angers me! I am divorced with a child and already stabilized in my apartment. He wants me to move in order to accommodate his mother yet has the nerve to say that my son needs to adapt to the leaving the apartment. The nerve! I told him to leave me alone and that I wash my hands from him. I don't want to see him anymore. I have his movies to return. Dont know what to do because he lives around my neighborhood. How can I avoid this person now? What if I bump into him , what is the best way to react? Oh one more thing. He refuses to have sex with me "until we get married" another slap on the face!
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (21 April 2014):
 "Who is this Jehovah witness guy?" He's the guy you just broke up with. No need for more research.
OP, did you read the links for getting over a break up?
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWho is this Jehovah witness guy?!? Going to do my research. Last thing I need to know if there was another woman involved.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (21 April 2014):
 I think maybe the reason you are " back to zero " is because you have been remiss or impulsive at the beginning, in the selection process of this man ( or other men ).
You feel ( rightly so )that he is tryng to impose his was on you,... but haven't you too been tryng to impose your ways on him ? ... You are afraid he would not change. You are right, he probably wouldn't. But why would you take up with, or stay , with a man that you feel the need to change radically ?. It's impossible to " change " people, you can make them "change" some specific little behaviour, and that too, if they want to change , -but you can't change a person's character, values, and life vision- and you should not want to, because they are entitled to these things , and to do things their way . If your visions clash- it just means you aren't compatible, simple. You can be attracted to anybody, but for actually being with them long term, you've got to see it the same way on the basics, the chore values. Otherwise it's all a frustrating waste of time.
Mind you, this guy DOES sound like a nasty piece of work, and I DO sense, just like you , that he probably just wanted to sponge off you and make you work for him and his mother ; nevertheless, we have no proof of that and until then, it's overbearing ( and pointless ) wanting to impose your ideas and work ethics on him.
There isn't one universal truth,- as another person says, it's not really a matter of what's right or wrong. You think , and other posters think, that's immoral to stay 6 months unemployed, or turning down jobs that do not appeal to you, or not jumping at a menial job if you are looking for, or qualified for , a clerical one.
Why ? It's a matter of points of view. For instance, I think that it would be foolish, instead, to jump at a dishwashing job, if you are aiming to, and adequate for, something better. That would only deprive you of precious time , energies and occasions to keep fir looking what you really want, or simply to use your " in between time " more proficuously, accumulating more knowledge, informations, and life experience than the dishwashing job would provide you. This , of corse, if you don't NEED badly to make a living, then obviously it's all another story. But if you have a legit source of income ,- you are not stealing or pimping, you have savings, or unemployement benefits which you are actually entitled to, or a pension, or savings, or even the help of a willing and generous relative, why not ? what's wrong with focusing your energy on a specific goal- as long as you can afford it of course ?.
Obviously you don't agree with me, and you think a person should not stay one week jobless if they only can, otherwise they are " lazy ". Fine, I don't see it your way, I think it varies according to circumstances and finances, as I just explained. I would not try to make you change your ways, - but also I would not appreciate you tryng to change mines. Only.... it would be clear that you and I cannot get married to each other :).
If you want as a partner a hard worker, good provider, and active go-getter ( not that you are wrong in wanting that ! ) then why did you dragged things on with someone that in your eyes is a ne'er do well slacker ? Why have you even been considering living with him ? If you think premarital abstinence is total bullshit , while instead to him it's an irrenounceable , fundamental moral value- why have you accepted being frustrated to follow beliefs that to you are crazy ? ....
These are not little things you can compromise on, like he likes his Tv loud, I like mine mute, Ok, we'll set the audio at medium level. These are basic, fundamental differences.
So, if you latch on to a guy just because you " like " him, or because you feel lonely and want somebody around.... and THEN try to shape him and mould him into someone that he is not.... as you have seen, it can't work. Don't waste time in tryng to convince them of the error of their wys - many times it's even detabatable that it's an error, it's just a different way of seeing things that irremediably clashes with yours. Break it off as soon something similar emerges, or, even better, do not even take them on- you'll avoid yourself a lot of anger , frustration, drama, and final disappointment.
P.S. : It's not clear if you are the poster engaged with the Jehova Witness, it sounds it could be- in this case, let me add - sorry, but... we told you so :). This unemployement issue is JUST the cherry on the cake, the guy was a walking red flag right from the very start !
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (21 April 2014):
 I agree that you can not make him see YOUR way any more then YOU can see HIS way.
You are NOT a good match so ending it now, is the RIGHT thing for both of you.
And what kind of crap is... All he wanted was your humility? Seriously? Because he is the MAN and you are the woman so you should show humility?
YIKES!
Better luck next time! And chin up!
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female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (21 April 2014):
 All he ever wanted was your humility? Riiiiight! You have made the best decision possible in this situation.
You will probably remain angry for a while, with him for only wanting your ''humility'' and with yourself for not recognising you were beating your head up against a brick wall earlier.
Don't beat yourself up too much, or for too long, there is a big wide world out there with no need to let this experience hold you back from trying again.
Good luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYea. I want to thank everybody for taking the time to give advice. I broke it off with him. He then started to explain that all he wanted was my humility. If I'm sure that I want to break it off etc. I don't feel like turning back. I feel like he's trying to condition me into accepting his ways. I am even afraid of him never changing. Now back to zero. I feel like a hamster running in its wheel. Just getting to nowhere! !!!!
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female
reader, llifton +, writes (20 April 2014):
 You can't make him understand you're right. Just the same way he can't convince you that you're wrong.
To be honest, there is no 'right or wrong' here. Just a personal difference in standards. He doesn't want to take a job and is acting like a huge baby, and you want someone who will be a hard worker and hold down a job and be a provider. No one is wrong nor right. you're just simply not compatible.
I dated a woman one time (I'm gay) who mooched off of me in a similar fashion as your ex. She didn't have a job and asked for money and constantly wanted me to pay for everything. She would talk about elaborate get aways and fancy meals - expecting me to cover it! it drove me to snap on her, also. I was furious.
I get where you're anger comes from. For me, it came from a couple of feelings with my ex; first, that I was being taken advantage of. Second, that she was just plain lazy! We were only together for a month or two tops though. I saw through her bs pretty quick. But with my gf now, she also doesn't work (she is in school), and lives off of financial aid. It doesn't bother me at all and I don't mind paying if she is short on money. The difference? I love her and she never makes me feel like she's taking advantage of my generosity. She doesn't offer expensive meals expecting me to pay. And she will take us out when she can. The bottom line is she's not lazy and entitled like my ex.
Anyway, I don't necessarily agree that women should be the caregivers and the men should be the primary breadwinners. In the U.S., women fought hard for equal pay and treatment in the workforce so that they could support themselves and not rely on men if they didn't want to. Even if I dated men, I wouldn't want him to make more than me. If he did, I wouldn't care. but I wouldn't require it nor desire it. I like my independence and only want to rely on myself. I've always been that type of person. I like my financial stability and independence. That way, I never have to rely on someone else other than myself.
His excuse about the rain is just ridiculous. like you said, he's not made of paper! And to quit a job after a week because of ot? Most people love ot! It means more money! He just sounds lazy as hell and like I said, I couldn't tolerate that, either. I'm with you 100%.
Stop trying to win the argument. There is no winning. you two just aren't compatible and he doesn't seem to be remotely what you're looking for in a man. Don't be discouraged. There's about a billion more out there. And I'm sure there's bound to be a guy who works hard and makes you happy. Don't even worry about this joker.
Take care.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (20 April 2014):
I agree with Daisy Daisy, you have ended the relationship, for good reasons, there's no point in trying to get him to change. It's over, done, finito, finished, mail the movies back to him. If you see him in the street you simply keep on going.is this the Jehovah's Witness beau who wouldn't have sex before marriage? The one whose church members started harassing him because he was dating a non-believer? The posts sound very familiar.I love this post on how to get over your ex: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-to-get-over-your-ex.htmlThere is also this one: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-got-dumped-and-i-know-how-.html and this one: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/when-will-i-finally-get-over-the-breakup.htmlWhat doesn't seem to be a healthy thing here is how you are hanging on hoping that he will change because you want him to. That's not going to happen. The only one you can change is yourself and as you have a child to raise, it's probably best to focus on yourself for now.Best wishes.
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female
reader, Daisy_Daisy  +, writes (20 April 2014):
 "How can I make him realize that what im saying is true? How can I make him realize what he is?" - you can't, and although frustrating, it doesn't really matter any more. He's history. Why waste any more of your time on him/ trying to change him in any way?
If it helps, write in a journal, or go and do some vigorous exercise to get rid of some of the anger and frustration.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOne more thing. How can I make him realize that what im saying is true? How can I make him realize what he is? To take ownership? On one of his lame excuses he said: one of these days you're going to leave me for being a slacker. Yet he gets mad cause I got open about it?!?
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A
female
reader, PeanutButter +, writes (20 April 2014):
 You are much better off without someone like that and it looks as though you know it already and so good for you for standing by why you believe.
I wouldn't worry about him in town, it will most likely be that he'll avoid you at all costs, just like a previous aunt suggested. He knows his time is up and that is why he is acting like a child! No one likes to get foiled! :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionRevmick. No, not in for a quick screw. Don't get it twisted. This guy had many jobs offered to him. He either turns them down or goes for a sk then walks away from them. I am not a babysitter for no man or least his mother. Coming from a man I see your reply as a "look out" for a moocher. I can't believe how roles have reversed in today's society. Women are indeed care takers but not for grown men who should bave af leading role as providers for their family. I just want to know how to surpass this anger, discouragement and how to deal with this person if he ever tries to personally confront me. Funny how the female aunties seem to understand my view. Hmmmm?
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHis mother has a home attendant during the day. I got to refer him to a staffing agency. He was given an appointment on a day which was going to rain. So I told him so he can prepare accordingly. Could you believe that he calls me and tells me "oh my mother told me it's going to rain that day". I couldn't take that as another dumb excuse to miss out on a job interview. Next day I just exploded and used that instance as an example during another of his excuses. I told him that obviously he is not made out of paper where he could break apart by rain drops! Is he serious? I am so angry. All this time looking for a good man and here I find an imbecile! I took him out of my fb. Oh by the way he only lasts a wk on a job where he willingly walks away from after complaining about ot days before. Then he has the nerve to get offended when I told him that I wasn't going to "pick him up" If he really wants to work he would take the offer until something better shows up. He told me to learn how to speak to him. What the ****?!?
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (20 April 2014):
No it is not your PMS and you're not overreacting! You have effectively taken on another child in the form of this man. He wants another mummy to take care of him.
Send his movies back to him. If you see him walking down the street...."walk on by". Seriously, as long as he poses no threat, I wouldn't worry about bumping in to him.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (20 April 2014):
Mail him his movies and be done 100% with him.
Wanting a guy who wants to contribute is NOT bad. Beggars can't be choosy. If he can GET a job (even if it's NOT that job he REALLY wants) then he should TAKE it. HE can then STILL apply for jobs he WANT, but he at least has an income while looking.
Not wanting to move in his mother (at least not now) is NOT bad either. You have only know him 6 months and you have NO idea how what kind of care she needs. If the relationship don't work out, you will HAVE to file to have her evicted if she refuses to move out. Again not practical. But I DO understand why he suggested it. IT IS his mother.
With that said your TOP priority is your child. You child's safe, stability and growth. Having to take care of a mentally ill adult can be a challenge.
Not wanting to have sex with you can mean many things. 1. it can be due to his religious or personal conviction. 2. He might not like sex and is holding out til marriage, because then it's harder for you to walk away. 3. ED - he might claim to wait because he can't perform.
IF you run into him be polite, but if you don't feel like it don't stop and chat.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (20 April 2014):
I didn't address your other issues.
About what to do if you see him. I would just ignore him. I've gotten pretty good at this, as I've actually had to work with an ex before. Just pretend you don't see him. if you're forced into interacting with him, just be somewhat polite in order to avoid a scene and that's that.
As far as no sex before marriage. I couldn't handle that. But that's just me, personally. But once again, to each their own. I always think it's noble if people can wait. I don't have that kind of discipline. lol. But I don't think he meant it as anything insulting. Just a personal preference?
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female
reader, llifton +, writes (20 April 2014):
No I don't think you're wrong for how you feel. I'm the same way as you. I'm an adult and adults have jobs and pay bills. To remain happily unemployed for over six months and then turn down jobs, all while living with mommy would drive me crazy. I couldn't put up with that. To each their own. However, I would personally find that there's no way I could be compatible with someone like that.
I don't think he was necessarily in the wrong for asking to move his mom in, as she may need someone to look over her due to her schizophrenia (depending on if she has it under control or not). However, who would be paying for all of this?? That would be what I would have had a problem with. The expectancy of moving her in and yet not working at all.
My only hesitation about whether you were fair or not would be to find out about his situation with his mother. If he takes care of her and is living with her for that purpose, as well as stays home from work to tend to her, then I might say you over-reacted. Could this be possible? Maybe he feels that he has to take care of her and that's why he doesn't work and that's why he wanted to move her in. If that's the case, then k think he's a good guy and you took your anger out on him. if not, Malay answer remains the same.
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male
reader, RevMick +, writes (20 April 2014):
 Sex before marriage is not a slap in the face. Once over that was the way it was done, you waited to find the right person and then once you were married you had 'sex'.From reading your question, I feel that sometimes you are getting angry with him I would say for no good reason. How do you know he is making excuses or going for a job that is already taken on purpose? There are if I'm not mistaken at least 300 people for every 1 job advertised.As for his mother moving in, perhaps he wants to be a good son. Not many son's would want to help their mother out, let alone have them move in with them.To be honest, It sounds like you were in this for a quick "screw" and because he has other commitments you are looked for the exit. I would say evaluate your situation, what you want out of life given you are working well being single and then explain that to the next partner. I would stop worrying about avoiding him, he probably wants to avoid you too given how you talked to him.
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female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (20 April 2014):
hoo boy! Thank heavens you saw the light before you invested too much more time into this man!
Pop his movies into a post pack and mail them to him.
As for how to react if you see him around the neighbourhood, that is up to you, you could blank him and just not acknowledge his presence, or give one of those 'whats that smell?" sniffs and walk away from him ...
You don't owe him anything, not even the time of day, in fact he might try avoiding you because you have called him out on so many issues.
You know he is lazy, you know he doesn't respect your boundaries, you know he would make a dreadful step father, you know he expects you to take care of him, AND his mother. Write it down to experience, and get on with your life, without him in it!!
Good luck!
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