A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I broke up yesterday. Few hours later we decided to make it a short break of 2 days or so just to take some time off. The reason why that happened? I told him that I have been intimate with four guys before we met(We are in a long distance relationship and we haven't been intimate yet, but we have talked about it several times).When we met, I remember well him asking me if I was and I answered that I wasn't but apparently he did not understand the same thing. Then he went on and kept asking me why I had "meaningless" sex with guys. I kept trying to tell him that it was not meaningless and that I was actually dating these guys but he would not listen, and kept saying that four is too much.Then when he asked why I did, I told him that I have always felt something missing from me That made me unhappy. So having a boyfriend made me feel loved. Then I thought sex was the right next step and I was probably scared that I would be dumped if I did not have sex. And now, that made him think I dated him not to feel alone.When I think back, I probably did that for the wrong reasons, that I thought were right. But I also think people make mistakes.What should I do?
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female
reader, laure  +, writes (21 March 2013):
 He's judging you from your past and blaming you?! Well honey,you should definitely call if off because he's so insecure, close minded and immature!No1 has the right to judge you and call you names because you've slept with a certain number of men,why is it acceptable for men to screw around as many women as they want and no1 would dare to call them any names! That's so irrational!Anyways,my only advice is to move on and dont get further involved with such a guy and never let any1 break you down,you shld have a stronger personality and put some limits to anyone who crosses the lines.
A
male
reader, wiseoldman  +, writes (15 March 2013):
Your past is your own business. And I've often thought that it's ill-endowed men who worry most about a woman's past lovers because they're afraid of being compared unfavourably. Drop him and move on. I suspect you've had a lucky escape.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2013): Holding a moderate sexual past against someone is arguably illogical. In this case 4 is pretty moderate. But expecting people not to hold it against someone for having a long list? This is equally illogical. Like it or not, it's just good sense to be wary of someone with a history of promiscuity. It correlates very highly with a whole list of psychological red flags. Not to mention the STI issue. "Just get tested" falls woefully short of covering that problem. Condoms are not a foolproof method in the real world and they don't block everything even when they do their job. Virtually nobody makes a normal habit of using protection for oral sex. And not all STIs even can be tested for.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (13 March 2013):
 I'm sorry, I would just end it.
And this is why, he is probably suffering from retrograde jealousy, which means he is (irrationally) jealous of your past.
And that is not going to change. YOU can't change the past either, so it's kind of an impasse.
For him 2 might have been to many as well.
His loss really.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (13 March 2013):
 What else can you do, but moving on. If this guy says that 4 partners are too many , it means he wants a woman who has had from zero to max 3 sexual partners, so- not you, but someone else. You can't change your past , but you should not have to jump through hoops to defend or justify your past decisions because he happens to disagree with them. Let him find his 0 to 3 ideal girl, and move on to someone who will not evaluate you strictly on the basis of your past sexual experiences , they are not that hard to find,luckily.
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A
male
reader, JustHelpinAgain  +, writes (13 March 2013):
This topic is a bit like religion, no one is right or better and probably better not discussed at all!Most societies pass on values or meanings about sex and it is hard to seperate these from our own values, or even to make our oun values. One thing that is for sure is that differences, if discussed, get bigger not go away. You don't mention you boyfriends experience, is he a vigin? For many inexperienced people any intimate act is felt to have some "special significance' but it only works if both partners share similar feelings. You boyfriend doesn't feel that you match his views and reasonably has explained it and you have broken up. Nothing wrong with either of you. Threre are many ways that people are different and incompatible as partners and sexual meanings are one of them. I am avoiding the word values but is is something to do with how much we value things. Its always tough in a relationship when one partner decides the other doesnt match them and they want to end the relationship, but when it for the reason you have its hard not to feel like hes saying you arent goog enough, and in one way that is exactly what he is saying. Just move on, and my advice with the next guy is to either get the topic of your pasts out in the open as soon as possible and agreed its mutual unimportance, or else never discuss it at all. From my personal experience and observations of friends and coworkers I think there is a link between numbers of partners and inability to stay in a long term relationship so there may be some significance to your boyfriends feeling, beyond the trite RJ label that people throw around.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2013): People's idea of too many sex partners is kind of like how much drinking is too much. Everyone's idea of too much is "more than I do".
Read Serpico's answer. He nailed it. Your boyfriend has the right to his feelings and at least he was honest and up-front about it.
If you want to understand RJ, the first step is to stop looking for one single reason for it. People are not that simple. Some people feel it for non-flattering reasons like sexual insecurity, virgin fetish, etc. But others feel it for entirely different reasons like moral principles. Some people have a double standard but others have totally lived by what they want in their partner. Some people try hard to be fair and respectful about their feelings, others do not. Some people bash everyone who sleeps around more than they like. But many others just treat it like a personal preference when they date and they don't make any big judgments about it.
I think its also relevant that most women seem to overestimate how promiscuous most men are. The average man does not sleep around more than the average woman. This is a consistent finding across many decades and studies.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (12 March 2013):
 sweetheart, you've done NOTHING wrong. don't you dare let this guy make you feel bad for the things you've done. they are NOT mistakes unless you believe them to be mistakes. only you can possibly know how you feel about them. but certainly don't let someone else talk you into feeling bad about your decisions.
i'll say it. i'm 29 and have lost count of how many people i've slept with. and if ANYONE tries to tell me i'm a bad person or a whore who should feel bad for my past, they can kiss my ass. because that's certainly all they'll be seeing of me. my ass while i'm walking away.
4 people? that's nothing, OP. nothing. and these were all guys that you dated (just like your so-called boyfriend). you have nothing to feel bad about.
this guy is clearly a controlling, overly insecure guy. he needs to grow up and quickly.
perhaps you should take these 2 days and do some serious thinking. do you really want to be with a guy who feels he has the right to call you a whore for sleeping with someone before you two even met?? besides, isn't he discussing sleeping with you??? so if he's so worried about your purity, he can wait til marriage with you, can't he? do you see the hypocricy in what he's saying? he's mad at you for doing with others what he wants to do with you. tell him to get a life.
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A
female
reader, R1 +, writes (12 March 2013):
 He has been quite judgemental which seems to have made you question your sexual past. 4 is not a lot or a little really for someone of your age. You were young, you did what seemed right at the time. You've probably learnt from these experiences. Just because he judged you doesn't make you a slut. He probably feels insecure because he is less experienced. Don't let his insecurities get you down.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (12 March 2013):
 Move on. This isn't the guy for you, and he'll never make you happy. Never. You're clinging to him for reasons of your own, but the reality is he doesn't want you. And how can someone who doesn't want you possibly make you happy?
There's nothing wrong with you, but not every guy is mr. right. And when a man tells you to your face that he thinks you're too much of this or that, or too little, or have had too much experience.. in general, when a man says "thanks, but no thanks", that's the biggest clue you get: HE'S NOT MR. RIGHT. Move on! Next!
You'll find someone who thinks your amount of experience is just perfect, someone who probably shares your experience, or at least shares your thought pattern. Someone you are more in sync with. I've had tons more boyfriends and tons more sexual partners, yet I've never had a man tell me he thought anything was too much. I', usually not asked how many past sexual partners I've had, because it's not something most men care to know about. And the times I have been asked, they were fine with it. And mind you, I've dated several immature and insecure men. So when a man cares about your "number" and makes a big deal out of it it isn't because he's immature or insecure.. it's just how he's wired. He wont grow out of it, and will most likely continue to think this way for the rest of his life. Meaning you'd never fit into his ideal of a girlfriend.
But why try to fit HIS ideal? There are tons of guys to whom you already ARE ideal. Go find one of those instead of wasting your time on a man who isn't interested.
And don't regret your actions or excuse them. You've done nothing wrong, at the time it felt like the right thing to do, and whatever reasons you had to be intimate with someone were YOUR reasons. And you're entitled to rationalize based on YOUR logic. It makes sense to you. Not all will agree, but that's beyond the point. The point is that you need to continue to think and make decisions based on what YOU feel is right, for YOU. Not make decisions based on what you think some guy or other would want.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2013): if he truely loved you it wouldnt matter how many sexual partners you had! firstly, 4 isnt a lot and secondly it is his problem not yours, if he wants to finish with you over that bugger him! you can obviously do better
my boyfriend just finished with me on friday because he has no balls and cant handle a serious relationship! im still hurt but the way he has treated me has made me realise that i will never go back to him
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (12 March 2013):
What should you do? Probably be grateful for a lucky escape: some-one who judges you for your past (hardly a promiscuous one incidentally) rather than for the person you are now and the qualities you have, isn’t good boyfriend material. You deserve better. Let him go.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2013): I know it's hard but I think you are better off without him. What you did before you knew him is none of his business, plus 4 guys is not a lot at all. Even if you regret it now, it was your choice and mistake to make. If I were you I'd move on and try to find a man who's not so insecure as to try to make you feel bad about your past choices. They have made you who you are today and he should accept them as part of you.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (12 March 2013):
 If he can' cope with you having a past, I would suggest that you move on. All the guys I see here posting about retroactive jealousy are mostly unable to deal with a woman having a past... they want pure and virginal girls so they don't feel so insecure and paranoid.
It's LDR.. how often do you see him?
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (12 March 2013):
It looks like he is a sufferer of RJ. Kudos to him for being honest and forthright with you. Many men have issues with a womans sexual past, specifically when they make an emotional investment in her. Whatever the number for each guy may be, four was apparently too many for him, so IMO he did the correct thing and moved on.
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