A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend is ruining my life. We have been in a LDR for a couple years now. I work and go to university, he doesn't have a job and hasn't for years. If I bring up that he should get a job/do something with his life then he gets pissed off and starts an argument with me or will just get really emotional and shut down. I can't deal with this anymore. He used to be such a great guy but now I see how much he has controlled me and manipulated me all this time. I feel trapped. He has threatened to blackmail me wit pictures I've sent him. We also share online accounts and I know he would charge my account if I broke up with him. He has depression and I feel like I cannot reason with him over anything, he gets too mad and upset if I mention anything being wrong in the relationship. I cant hang out with my friends unless he says it's okay. This all has led me to be very depressed and I just feel like there's no way out of this.He needs me to talk to him 24/7, and he gets mad at me if I am busy with school or work. I just want him to break up with me, because I can't bear the thought of him being hurt (I still really care about him, he has been there for me through a lot and I know he can be a great guy at times). I broke up with him a couple months ago and he got so mad that he punched a wall and broke his hand. He also called me non-stop, threatened to blackmail me with pictures, and charged my accounts with purchases. I got back together with him because of the threats of blackmail.. he kept saying he was going to ruin my life if I didn't get back with him. I really don't know what to do, this is literally ruining my life. Please help :(
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broke up, depressed, got back together, trapped, university Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (9 August 2012):
 So how are you doing? Are you safe and away from him online?
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (6 August 2012):
 First off, cancel all your online accounts. And make new ones. THAT HE DOESN'T have access too. Change your e-mail address and phone number. If he has/had access to your bank info get that changed too. CHANGE EVERYTHING and do it fast and before he gets wind of it. Block him number, block his Facebook, block/ignore on everything.
As for the pictures, well what can you do? He got em, you gave them to him. So unless you have a way of deleting them from his phone/computer, you will have to suck that one up. Chalk the dirty pics up to a learning experience and a lesson. Do NO give out pictures you don't want to be thrown in your face 1-2-10-20 years later.
And I agree, DOCUMENT everything. Every threat.
Then you DUMP his sorry ass and move on.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2012): Yes first of all I would contact your bank, tell them the situation and have his name removed off the account and also have you account password changed so he cannot access, and charge things to it.Change your contact number, block him from any social networking sites and also let your work and university know the situation so that if he attempts to contact you at those places, staff know that you don't want to talk to him.One good thing about this situation is that you are in a LDR with this guy, and although you feel emotionally and mentally trapped, you're NOT physically trapped and you don't have to put up with his tantrums, mood swings and bullying behaviour etc within the home, you can cut him dead out of your life once you disable him from being able to contact, blackmail and control you. Do NOT allow him to twist your arm to go back with him once you break free, because next time he'll make it ten times harder for you to escape, and you'll have all this and more to do again.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (6 August 2012):
I would be sure to tell the police that you feel extremely threatened by him and that he has done physical violence to himself and may do it to you when this relationship is terminated.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (6 August 2012):
With him, you report life is ruined. Dump him and he threatens to ruin your life. You are indeed trapped, aren't you? Yikes.
Okay, you need to stop being fearful and start to take control back. First of all, don't do or say anything interesting or anything that will tip him off that you are about to end the relationship and close down all the accounts.
I would highly recommend that you contact the local center for women in abusive relationships, I don't know where you are exactly and as I recall, Australia doesn't have a central hotline for abused women.
I like Jannipeg's idea of recording his threats, make sure you start documenting EVERYTHING, all the interactions you have.
I would go down to the police as well, as he is blackmailing you, and see if they can offer any practical assistance with that.
Get an attorney and work out all the legal steps you need to take to officially end any accounts you "share" and see that they are aware of the threats. If any pictures of you do get released, I would go after him legally.
I think what you need to do is to play it low-key while you plan D-Day. On D-Day, you will end all accounts, close down any email accounts you share, basically sever all electronic links he has to you.
Don't be scared, start to get angry and then harness that anger to PLAN your escape.
Stop trying to reason with him, let him think he's won and then *POW!* you totally blow him out of your life forever.
The pictures may come back to haunt you but at least you'll be free of HIM. And you may be able to prosecute him for his actions. But you will have to take legal advice and get help from an attorney, the women's shelter staff and the police. Okay? Can you do that?
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A
male
reader, doublejack +, writes (6 August 2012):
I wish I had some miracle advice to give you, but unfortunately there is no way out other than breaking up with this guy. He sounds rather unstable and in need of counseling, but there's nothing you can do about that. If he follows through with the threat to do something with the pics you sent him the he will. You can't stop him. I'm sorry to put this so bluntly, but your mistake was sending the pics in the first place. No woman, under any circumstances, should send pics to anyone unless she is OK with the idea that they can (as they often do) make their way around.The only option you have here is to break things off and cut all contact. Close the account so that you don't have to pay for any fraudulent charges. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and begin the moving on process.Best of luck!
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (6 August 2012):
 You should talk to your bank, explain your situation and that your boyfriend does not make any money and you want to break up. If your bank insists on dragging your boyfriend in to sign something you can withdraw all the money and request the bank to freeze your account so no more transactions take place.
Call him, bring up another break up talk and record his threats about posting your pictures. You may not be able to stop him from posting. You will need advice from an attorney about what to do. For now say you want to break up but "get back with him" just so he won't post your pics online yet. This also gives you time to talk to your bank and attorney about how to fix the situation.
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