A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I've been having an affair with a man who's wife doesn't currently live with him because of their jobs. I am also not sure he's even married to her yet. They live in two different states. She has decided to keep her job because of seniority and the amount of money she makes. She is due to move to be with him later in 2013. He has ended the affair because of his own guilt with the affair. I have no issues with him ending the relationship and I understood that the affair would only be short term.My question is do you think he is in as much pain as I am about the affair ending or is he more consumed with guilt and isn't even thinking about me? I can't seem to stop thinking about him and if and when he might contact me again. This is exhausting!My other issue is that she is about to leave a job that she has had for a number of years that she gets paid a lot of money for. She is about to move to a city that has no possibilities for her, with a man that has cheated on her. I am not the first time he has had an affair. I believe he is a serial cheater and if he's not cheating with me he will cheat with someone else. I'm NOT trying to break up his marriage to allow myself the possibility that he may want me. I DON'T want this man in that way and I DON'T want to break up my own marriage. This was just a fling thing.Do you think she should know what he's done before she completely uproots herself and goes to be with him?I am in NO way wanting to be revengeful in this situation. I just know that if I were in her situation I would want someone to tell me before I leave a good thing for a man that I don't really know.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2013): I think your biggest question is, WHY did he stop contacting me so abruptly? How can I fix this? You were considering telling your ex-lovers wife, and your reasons for telling her are irrelevant, you just wanted advise on whether or not you should. I think that in this moment in time, you do not feel remorse or regret for your affair, because of how you are feeling. I think that is understandable, because you are still hurting and you are still missing your ex-lover and you are still in a place where you did not want it to end. I think the situation with your son has affected you and your husband more than you may realize. I think your husband is in a world of hurt and heartache and pain, and is just not capable of giving you want you need because he is barely coping with life for himself.I will not judge you for your affair, because I can not really begin to know what you and your husband have been through. I can only imagine that it has all added up to you needing desperately, something that the ex-lover gave you.Now, what you need to know, is that your ex-lover gave you something you needed, and it was like a drug. You are now experiencing the withdrawal symptoms of that drug being taken away 'cold-turkey'. Your angry messages to him are understandable, given the pain and hurt that you felt, when he took away the 'drug' so abruptly. The FACT is, if he was a truly caring honorable loving man, he 1. Would not have disappeared. 2. He would have responded to your angry email/messages. He would have tried to comfort you and communicate back with you. 3. He is a player. He does not feel guilt. He is using that as an EXCUSE to end things with you. Yes, he DID enjoy his time with you. He wanted you for the time he had you, he knew what you needed and gave it to you. But when you no longer gave him what he wanted or needed, it was time for him to go and he selfishly did not care about treating you with respect and love in his leaving.I agree with one of the earlier posters, that, to put YOUR MIND at rest....so that YOU can feel YOU have done the 'right' thing, you could send a quick email to apologize for your side of anything. ' I apologize for my knee-jerk reactions, I was hurting. I wish you all the best'. And that is it. You DO NOT EVER WANT TO SEE THIS MAN AGAIN. He is not a loving man, and you do not want to have him in your life. When he tries to contact you again, in a month or two, when his wife is not around.... do not get sucked back in. Do NOT lower yourself. He has disrespected you, and you must not allow a person back in your life like that. The next part is, that in time, when you are no longer hurting, and your heart has healed, and you give your heart back again to your husband.... THAT is when you may start to feel the remorse and regret. THAT is going to be an even HARDER time in your life. The guilt you may feel will eat you up so badly.Your husband is going through a heartbreak..... watching his son die. He is not strong enough to give you what you need.... maybe you could just give him YOUR love...immensely and without wanting anything in return. This will help build up his strength. It MAY be that he will then be strong enough to give you what you need. In YOU giving HIM your love, it will also help to heal you. He may not respond, but ignore that...keep speaking kindly to him, keep touching him affectionately. Even if he pushes you away...do it again the next day...again and again....soon he will let you in. GIVING love, will GIVE you love too...it is amazing how it works.I am on the fence about whether telling his wife is the right thing to do, no matter what your true intentions are. But ultimately, would you want someone else to tell your husband? What if they did? It really would be best for YOU to tell your husband. Therefore, it is probably best for your ex-lover to tell his wife. Hope this helps.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2012): No need to rehash all that has been said. What I will advise is to allow you're therapist to read you're post in its entirety. Don't leave ANY of what you said or what the posters said. That way there is nothing left out no half truths or no confusion. He/she can give you better insight because ALL info is given. Hope you find a solution to you're dilemma.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2012): write your apology email, but don't actually send it if you don't want to. You'll feel a bit better for having vented even if it's to yourself. Then you can sit on the email for awhile, maybe wait a few weeks and see if you feel differently about sending it. however, there is also some truth in that you should strike while the iron is hot. some times things have to be addressed NOW, not in a few weeks or months time. Because by then things have changed, perspectives have changed which could be good, or not. it could open up old wounds if you wait too long and then decide to apologize after all.
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female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (28 December 2012):
 OP, SVC wasn't trying to be the bad guy. She was just trying to straighten the story out. Frankly, I was quite confused too by your updates. Maybe that's why we weren't on the same page.
IMO, I believe it's necessary to tell the truth in the events around cheating and your marriage. It helps figure out where things went wrong, why, and how to fix them.
I see that your son has been sick for years, your husband has been withdrawn from the marriage, and you've been dealing with your son's illness. You still need that love and support from your husband. It sounds like you weren't getting it and sought it elsewhere or maybe used this affair as an escape. Whatever. Now you need to focus on saying goodbye for good to this affair and maybe get your marriage back. Or maybe asking your son if he has a bucket list and fulfilling those wishes for him.
Either way it's time to wash your hands of the affair and see if you can get something back on track for you. Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThink what you want I've read all the posts and advice given. I've been honest in all my responses. I am completely confused by my situation and by the most recent responses. I've read all responses and taken your advice good or bad into account. Thank you again for your help.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@So_Very_Confused...It's really unfortunate. You were one of the ones who I was actually listening too.
If you really MUST know the situation with my son, although I don't know how that relates to anything. He has been very sick for the past ten years. I have had to watch him slowly die. SIX months ago he had a life threatening situation. FOUR months ago I started my affair. What other things can I fill in for you? NOW you tell me how that relates to anything?? I really didn't think I had to give you my whole life story to get some advice.
I thought this was supposed to be a forum where you could get help for issues you were having. That actually was happening up until this morning.
Thanks for your help.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (28 December 2012):
 OP, your original questions were:
“My question is do you think he is in as much pain as I am about the affair ending or is he more consumed with guilt and isn't even thinking about me?
And
“Do you think she should know what he's done before she completely uproots herself and goes to be with him?”
These were answered for you by:
iAmHereToHelpYou : “Don't tell his wife” (who went on to change her opinion to : “Write her a letter and explain everything - that way she can't slap you on the spot. “ probably based on what others said and that’s fine I do it often when I see a new POV by someone else)
Person12345: “I do think that given the huge change she's about to make, maybe she should know. Not sure how to go about it, that's up to you. But honestly, I think you're right.”
Female anonymous on 25, December: “Tell her.”
Now I specifically left out the ones that questioned your motives and only looked for the ones that answered your questions directly prior to your updates.
BUT after they posted to you, a long response from you started to flesh out the truth. Whether this be the truth you hid from us or from yourself as well… it’s the way therapy works… you THINK the issue is one thing and it’s really another… IN this case you implied that you owed the wife the truth… but that was not really what was bugging you.
So your first follow up:
“I have chosen to NOT tell his wife about his actions”
And now you add in about your husband:
“Are there issues in our marriage? From my perspective, I would say yes. From his perspective, he would say no. He is completely oblivious to what is happening and when I've tried to bring the subject up he is uninterested and doesn't know how to handle things. He is also not interested or open to any form of marriage counseling.”
You go on to justify your feelings with “Would it bother you to know that I am not feeling guilty or remorseful in the slightest because of what I've done? My affair has satisfied a need that I had. Until you fully understand my reasons, or excuses as most of you would call them, you will never fully understand the motives behind someone who cheats.”
And you add “I don't regret what I've done, I only regret that I chose the wrong man to have an affair with because he doesn't want to continue. This is not revenge or anger talking. This is pure and simple disappointment.”
So then I questioned you and you said: “Now I'm trying to understand my actions and move on from them.” WHICH is VERY different from your original post. NO wonder we got confused.
On 26, December you updated us to say: “.I have not been in an unhappy marriage for an extended period of time. My unhappiness in my marriage only started over the summer during a very stressful time in our child's health crisis. I never wanted or acted on my feelings until 4 months ago.”
So here we have a statement indicating that the unhappiness in the marriage is very short lived only about 4 months old…. And the implication that your child is newly sick and YOUNG…
You then add: “Honestly, I am having more difficulty with the fact that the person I chose to have an affair with is no longer talking to me and didn't end the affair in a reasonable way.”
So we nick away at your outer protective covering and slowly the truth emerges.
But we must continue:
After being told that kids are resilient, that I have a disabled child you add more with:
“Truth be told my child is already 18 and my feelings of unhappiness and infidelity started 6 months ago.”
At this point you start losing credibility even with me. Because all of a sudden this child is already an adult and now you have been unfaithful for SIX MONTHS NOT FOUR.
You start giving us NEW reasons for having an affair:
“My reasons for cheating stem from boredom and the lack of attention from my husband. I lost my job 6 months ago around the same time as a health issue with my son came up.”
So now we have a six month time frame where this ADULT child became ill six months ago and you lost your job but until that point everything according to you was supposedly FINE.
And more truth comes out: “Truly what I am struggling with is the fact that I have been rejected.”
So the truth is that your feelings are hurt. Your self-esteem is being based on the judgment of a man who lies and cheats.
You then said “Which is why I've asked the second question, in my original post about sending an apology email for some of things I said too him.” I can’t find anything in your original post about sending an apology email. I’m sorry maybe I’m missing it. Can you point it out to me?
When called on the time frames (by me yet again) You said:
“I am in counselling and have been for many years. My sons illness did not just start in the past 6 months it has been ongoing for years.” Which is in direct conflict with: “. I lost my job 6 months ago around the same time as a health issue with my son came up.”
SO WHICH IS IT OP, Has your ADULT child been sick for YEARS or did his HEALTH ISSUE COME UP SIX MONTHS AGO? This is really a major problem…. YOU KNOW when your SON became ILL. YOU know what his illness is. You have told us 4 months, 6 months and now SICK FOR YEARS… they don’t mesh.
And then you say “But, to try and answer your question....I guess I would have to just accept that this was NOT a long-term thing, we both belong to someone else. He made the decision that he felt was right.” Which again is in direct conflict with your original statement of: “I have no issues with him ending the relationship and I understood that the affair would only be short term.”
No wonder we question your ability to tell the truth. I don’t think you are deliberately lying to us. I think you are lying to yourself too.
On 27 December you wrote: “I will address this tomorrow in therapy for sure.”
How did that go? Have you talked to your therapist yet?
You then post “To be completely honest, at this point, since his not talking to me just happened in the past week, I want to apologize for my actions and words because I'm secretly hoping that he will want to still talk to me. I'm hoping these are just stages to go through and this will pass as well.”
We keep getting the statement “to be completely honest” or “in all honesty” or “the truth is” like you dole it out to us like m and m’s one candy at a time.
You also said ‘Once you've experienced feelings that you have been missing out on for so long”
Well what is it SO LONG or 6 months? Or was that FOUR MONTHS?
Your most recent update is again on the ATTACK and states: “Only a very small handful of people have really answered my original questions and given me insight.”
If you have been in therapy for years as you say, then you know healing is a process and you know that asking the right questions is crucial and you also know that your current status and updates have NO relation to your original questions which were answered a long time ago.
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (28 December 2012):
You have no business in this mans affairs, literally. You try to disguise your spite and coming off as concerned for his wife. Lets be honest here, you dont care about her and are annoyed that she's "winning." Leave him alone and do not date taken such men in the future.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@CindyCares...Thank you for your response. I have NOT sent an apology email. I agree with you. I do still want to get a reaction out of him to make myself feel better. I feel like a complete fool. We both live in the same town. What do I do if I see him out in public? I've acted like such an idiot in this whole situation. I just need to leave it alone. I am just so humiliated by my actions of the last emails I sent him. I still don't know what to do.@female anon who feels I've been deceptive. Given the media we are using and how long of a response time it takes, I have been completely honest where needed. All details about my reasoning for having an affair, issues in my marriage, my sons health really have NOTHING to do with my ORIGINAL questions I posted so why would I bring any of that information up front unless someone actually wanted to know. My original questions have nothing to do with the whys, hows, ifs, whens, and all the other questions about having an affair.Only a very small handful of people have really answered my original questions and given me insight.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (28 December 2012):
 OP, maybe by now you have already sent your closure e-mail, but if you haven't, you should really stop and think before you do it.
In your updates you confirm what I had imagined, that your wish to contact him has very little to do with closure or apologies or doing the right thing. It's an attempt to get a reaction out of him somehow, to pierce a stone wall of indifference which is driving you nuts.
Careful. It may hurt more.
Obviously, if he disappeared like a thief in the night, he does not want , for whatever reason, to have anything more to do with you.
So, I guess, there are only two possibilities :
1 ) he keeps totally ignoring you. Ouch. That will hurt even more, and tempt you to send more e-mails, perpetuating a painful cycle of attempts/ rejection.
2 ) he is a nice guy ( he does not sound so, tbh ). He'll answer " Ok, don't worry, I forgive you, we are cool. Bye , take care, have a good life ". Then what ?
Do you really think you'll be fine with that , that you'll end it right there ? Or won't you, much more probably, take it as an encouragement, a sign that maybe is not over- over, maybe , in future....
OP, it's over. Over-over-over. Don't get stuck in the past. Be serious about moving on.
If you are not happy and feel a void in your life - you have a therapist, who better than him / her to suggest you ideas for filling that void in less destructive ways than getting involved with a married man.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2012): I'm going to say this as tactfully as I can, but I have to be honest here. I know what I'm going to say will probably annoy you , but i feel it should be said. Since your very first post you have been deceptive. The only time you tell the truth is when a poster calls you on it. Let's recap.You're very first post you wanted to know should you tell his wife about her serial cheating husband. Then not only that you tried to convince everyone on here that it wasn't for revenge. It was solely for "good Samaritan" purposes. When every single poster called you on it, you admitted that you really could care less about his wife. That you really do have feelings for this man. The next post you said how this man filled a void that you weren't getting from you're husband. Another poster called you on it again. You're response then was for 20 years you were fairly happy. Just in the last 6 months that you were unhappy in you're marriage. The affair was only for four months and it was primarily due to stress from dealing with a sick child and an emotionally detached husband. You have been going to counseling for years to deal with these issues. I think the emotionally detached husband has been there a lot longer than six months. I'm quite sure you're therapist would have advised you on some techniques on how to approach you're husband about you're feelings. I'm very aware that he may not be receptive to what you're feeling and/or saying. It takes two. No where in any of you're posts you indicate that you tried to talk to you're husband and try to get him to go to counseling with you. You may have, its just not indicated.The next post stated that you wanted to offer an apology e-mail for some of the things that you said out of anger. How should you do it. It was simply for closure so you can move on and try to figure out what you wanted to do. When somebody called you out again, you admitted that you really didn't want closure , you're hope was that he will read it and hope he will contact you. How can you get help if you won't be honest? I can understand that your emotions are all over the place and clearly you're upset. You can be honest. I'm having a hard time understanding what it is you really want from anybody here. The only time we get the real is when we read between the lines and then you give "honest". You're not the only person in the world that has had an affair. You won't be the last. I'm quite sure you have read this site and saw a lot of the questions being asked. Even if it's I want to get with my husband's brother and I don't know what to do. At least they're honest about it. If you're not going to do that, then you're not going to get the real help you seek. Best of luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@tennisstar88... I understand what you are saying about my son seeing his parents in an unhappy situation but I truly believe at this point he is only seeing his mother grieving by herself of a relationship that has ended. Not asking for sympathy.@female anon who referenced that I am in love with my lover. I have to completely disagree with you and no I don't have mental issues. I'm in "love" with how this affair has made me feel. Am I emotionally attached?...definitely. Am I having difficulty letting it go. YES! If someone just stops talking to you after having talked to you all the time you deal with emotions such as rejection, anger, confusion, frustration, and grief. All very difficult emotions to go through..then add in my marriage and my sick son. ALL very overwhelming things...AGAIN NOT asking for sympathy. I don't want it.To be completely honest, at this point, since his not talking to me just happened in the past week, I want to apologize for my actions and words because I'm secretly hoping that he will want to still talk to me. I'm hoping these are just stages to go through and this will pass as well. Once you've experienced feelings that you have been missing out on for so long it is a little bit more difficult to just deny what you are feeling and let them go. I have to give myself more time with whether or not I'm going to contact him again. I'm not going to do anything on a whim. I did that and look where it's gotten me. Right now I am thinking in the moment and taking things day by day.
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female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (27 December 2012):
Just to revert back, yes a child can pick up on their parent's unhappiness in a marriage. No matter the age..you can only keep up that false face for so long, children see right thru that act.
Well, I hope you can come to terms with this short term affair and fix your marriage. For your family's sake..and yours.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2012): I have to be honest with you here. It seems that you're putting so much effort into this outside man instead of putting that energy into trying to resolve you're marriage. I have read all of you're other posts and two things
you keep repeating.
1) I'm not leaving my husband
2) I just want closure for the things that I said out of anger to my lover.
No offense, I'm a bit confused. Usually when an affair ends especially without the other spouses knowing the last thing that is wanted is contact for whatever reason. Either you want to work out you're marriage or you want continued contact with you're lover. Why do you have the need to express to a person that obviously could give two shits about you what you
are and what you're not? You served you're purpose and now its over. You have to accept that.
I would suggest that you put all that energy into trying to salvage your marriage. I don't know if you're trying to convince us or yourself that all you
want is to apologize for your behavior. From what I've read, you fell in love with him. No one in my life experiences behaves this way unless they love them or have some serious mental issues. Clearly you don't have mental issues. I would suggest not to even bother with email text or any form of communication either written of verbal. Give yourself time to heal from this and try to salvage your marriage. Best of luck to you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2012): I have to be honest with you here. It seems that you're putting so much effort into this outside man instead of putting that energy into trying to resolve you're marriage. I have read all of you're other posts and two thingsyou keep repeating. 1) I'm not leaving my husband2) I just want closure for the things that I said out of anger to my lover.No offense, I'm a bit confused. Usually when an affair ends especially without the other spouses knowing the last thing that is wanted is contact for whatever reason. Either you want to work out you're marriage or you want continued contact with you're lover. Why do you have the need to express to a person that obviously could give two shits about you what youare and what you're not? You served you're purpose and now its over. You have to accept that. I would suggest that you put all that energy into trying to salvage your marriage. I don't know if you're trying to convince us or yourself that all youwant is to apologize for your behavior. From what I've read, you fell in love with him. No one in my life experiences behaves this way unless they love them or have some serious mental issues. Clearly you don't have mental issues. I would suggest not to even bother with email text or any form of communication either written of verbal. Give yourself time to heal from this and try to salvage your marriage. Best of luck to you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2012): I don't see why you can't just email him to say sorry that's it. What's so hard about that? you said his wife checks his email. frankly, that's their problem not yours.you can just send him a one-liner email saying "I just want to apologize for my bad behavior at our last meeting" and not go into specifics if she were to read that email. Just give the apology, one line only, no need to pour your heart out or go into details that can 'get him into trouble' or explain any further what's on your mind. Apologizing just takes one line, and that's it. If she sees that email and asks him what is that apology about and who is it from then he can decide what story to cook up to her but that's none of your business.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@IAmHereToHelpYou...Do you know the saying about beating a dead horse? I am not going to tell my husband...in some situations telling the spouse may be the right thing to do but in my situation it is not. Thank you for your input.@So_Very_Confused...I do appreciate your post regarding the "closure" email and will seriously consider it. I understand where you are coming from and I see your point. I will address this tomorrow in therapy for sure.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (26 December 2012):
OP how about you write the email and share it with your therapist and not the ex-affair partner..... that way you have closure by saying what you have to say (even in AA making amends is not always about you doing it WITH the person since making amends is about YOU not him.
The bigger person would just let him go. The reason you want to send the letter is so he knows you are a bigger person but it might stir up a kettle of fish that is not worth the effort.
I can understand writing what you need to say. I can even understand sharing it with folks just not with him. Even posting it publicly to an anonymous blog might work.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2012): U should have thought of his wife and your hubby before having an affair with,hm...well what has been done has been done but if u think he is really cheater and may ruin the life of his wife i think u should an email to wife and also confess to ur hubby because it's definitely going to affect ur relationship too.
Remember that there is no secret under the sun that will nt be made open
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@CindyCares...You have really helped me with your last post. I thank you. You are right. As much as I don't want to see it. You are right.
I most likely will send the "closure" email for me more than for him. I'm not a bad person. I"ve said things in anger and frustration to him that he didn't deserve and I feel badly about that. If he doesn't respond then at least I've done my part and been the "bigger" person with ending the situation entirely.
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (26 December 2012):
OP, it's normal that you feel bad having been rejected, who likes being rejected ?! but, since you are aware it's a matter of wounded ego, I'd let it go. Your ego will self repair in time ,and the sooner, the less you strive to get a reaction, positive or negative, out of this man.
I don't think this guy would particularly care about receiving your apologies, same as I don't think he was particularly upset or offended by your words said in frustration.
What he cared about is - getting the result he wanted, which was of terminating this dalliance with the least fuss,the least drama as possible . Personally I am not too sure he closed the door on you out of unbearable guilt, he's an old hand at that, that's the second wife he cheats on, and you too suspect him of being a serial cheater. That was just born with an expiration date stamped upon, and it just happened he reached his before you were ready. Which would explain his choice to ship out without an official announcement, nice and quiet... letting you to worry and wonder and shoot e-mails " are we over , are we not ? ". Yes, OP, if someone just drops off the radar like that, ( i.e. ambiguously and cowardly ) it IS over , and your natural,understandable frustration and bitterness won't either hurt him or move him too much, because he had coloured you gone to begin with.
What is done is done, OP, and if you reallt respect his choice, then respect it entirely and accept that this experience is over.
With all that, if you think that you'll feel much better if you send one last " closure " e-mail, then do it.
But I doubt it would work, it could be worse. He would not reply , much probably, and you'd still have to wonder WHY and what is he thinking, is he mad at you, is he afraid to contact you, has he moved on definitely , etc.etec. ...and you'll need the closure of the closure of the closure.
Declare your own closure, OP. It's the only way it really works : It's over when YOU decide :" I had enough with this s..t- it's over."
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@So_Very_Confused...I agree that stress is a major problem in my life and my marriage. I am in counselling and have been for many years. My sons illness did not just start in the past 6 months it has been ongoing for years.I DO feel the need to apologize to this man for my words said in frustration. I would have made an apology already and saved myself all this crap over the holidays because I truly do think it will help me. But, I am not able to contact him because he is with his wife and I don't want to interfere with that. She checks his phone and email.I don't expect him to respond bc I think he is trying to stop all contact. So, I'm not even sure I should send an email because I want to respect his choice of no contact. But, on the other hand I want to send the email because it will give me some closure by telling him I was sorry and I'm not a bad person.Without involving him, what can I do to make myself feel better about how it all ended? I don't know right now. I've been having a really difficult time these last few days. If I hadn't sent the emails and just realized what he was telling me I don't think I would be having such a hard time. But since I think it ended the way it did I think that is why I'm having such difficulty. I don't understand why I feel the way I do. But, to try and answer your question....I guess I would have to just accept that this was NOT a long-term thing, we both belong to someone else. He made the decision that he felt was right. Continue with my counseling to deal with my stress and grief issues, and now this.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (26 December 2012):
If you are only unhappy for such a short period of time and do not want to end the marriage and then the problems started when your child got ill... it's clear to see what the problem is.
STRESS. You and hubby need to seek counseling either together or apart. and you must tell him you need to work on the marriage or it will end.
As for the man who hurt you by leaving you and then you said some things that feel painful to you now.
I know you are sorry you said them in anger. I am often sorry about stuff I say in anger. I have a terrible temper... not one of my better traits... and if I have an ongoing relationship with someone I will apologize.
In this case, you may need to apologize for yourself to get closure but will that end it? what happens if he does not acknowledge the apology?
Without involving him, what can you do to make yourself feel better about how it ended?
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@So_Very_Confused...thank you for your input. Truth be told my child is already 18 and my feelings of unhappiness and infidelity started 6 months ago.
Does my marriage need work? Yes, it does. My reasons for cheating stem from boredom and the lack of attention from my husband. I lost my job 6 months ago around the same time as a health issue with my son came up. Then my husband became completely closed off, busy, and unattached from the situation and from me. I would never stay in a marriage for the sake of the kids. I am not that unhappy in my marriage that I am seeking, looking into, or wanting a divorce. My issues in my marriage are ones that can be remedied.
Truly what I am struggling with is the fact that I have been rejected. I was blind to the fact that he was having such guilt with the whole situation that I didn't realize I was being rejected until I had sent a couple of emails to this other man, some not so nice, asking him if we were done and him not responding.
I'm confused, feeling rejected, depressed, and disappointed.
Which is why I've asked the second question, in my original post about sending an apology email for some of things I said too him. I didn't want it to end the way it seems it did. I'm not trying to open a door for him. I understand that he doesn't want this anymore. I would just feel better if he knew that I was sorry for the things I really had no right to say in the first place.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (26 December 2012):
OP, do NOT think that kids (no matter how young) do NOT pick up on a parent’s underlying unhappiness.
NEVER stay in a marriage that leaves you unhappy for the sake of the children. THAT is a lousy reason to stay married and as adults your kids will be angry with you. They will be adults with you much longer than children…. Think about the long term relationship with your child vs the short term.
Personally, having left a miserable marriage (and yes the marriage is unhappy if either of the partners is unhappy do not kid yourself) with two small (ages 3 and 5) children.. One of whom was emotionally and physically disabled as a child (and is now a disabled adult) I know what you are saying and I find it a cop out.
I left an unhappy marriage with two small children, NO job, no SKILLS and no real plan. My kids have survived nicely. I could have stayed in an unhappy marriage. He earned good money and I was a SAHM which was nice. Had I done that I would probably now be a homeless widow. (He developed health issues that sidelined him and almost killed him a few years back, thankfully his current wife worked and they managed to get health care and he did not die and the kids were nearly grown)
BTW, my kids (now 26 and 28) have always told me how much happier they were when mommy and daddy were not fighting.
You may not fight in front of your child but your child KNOWS if you are happy or not. AND if you are faking it so well that your child does not know... is that really fair to you or your kid... I mean why stay till kiddo is an adult and then leave? Why hurt yourself in the name of parenthood?
When you are on an airplane, they tell you if you need Oxygen and you are traveling with a child, you MUST put the mask on YOURSELF FIRST, THEN the child. This goes against everything a mother believes... Take CARE OF MY KID FIRST.
but the truth is... YOU can't take care of your child till you take care of yourself.
I would rather see a child in a happy single parent home than see a child live with a lying cheating parent.
So what I’m getting from your last follow up is that you are HURT that he ended it with you even though you know it’s right to have been ended. But you are struggling with your self-esteem since HE LEFT YOU. I mean HOW DARE HE LEAVE YOU….. right?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2012): Why not tell your hb you want an open marriage to get needs met that he is uninterested to meet. If he is so emotionally uninvested in this marriage he might actually be ok or apathetic about your affair.
It was wrong of your hb to emotionally shut down and stay that way and refuse to seek treatment. That is behaving as if he his actions don't hurt anyone but obviously since he is married it hurts his wife. If he wants to end the emotional relationship with you then he should not fault you for seeking it elsewhere. Maybe a legal separation is what you need.
I think it is a wise decision not to tell your affair partner's wife. He cheated so its his responsibility to tell her.
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (26 December 2012):
As for me, the point of my post was not to remind you that you have cheated in case it had escaped your notice, nor to try and make you feel guilty.
It was simply a defense of sheer logic. If there's an oblivious woman that should be warned and told " watch out, your spouse is not who you think he is "- there's also an oblivious husband in the same predicament and should be warned of the same thing.
Which , you'll admit, makes your concern toward the cheated wife a bit less generous and less genuine,- one wonders , why being so worried about a perfect stranger 's wellbeing, when you are not worried about that of your husband, who may be a neglectful,flawed husband but hey at least you know him since a long time , and you had kids with him.
It's a moot point though, since it seems you have decided to keep quiet and not to make waves. I guess to this decision, that may perhaps be the wisest, it will have contributed the realization that if you rat him out , that surely will not endear you to your ex lover.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@tennisstar88...I have not been in an unhappy marriage for an extended period of time. My unhappiness in my marriage only started over the summer during a very stressful time in our child's health crisis. I never wanted or acted on my feelings until 4 months ago.I am not in an unhappy marriage. I am unhappy in my marriage. There is a difference. Our child does not see that his mother and father are having difficulties because they aren't. I am the one having the issue. Our child's health issues are why I will not tell my husband. If I were to tell my H then that would be a situation where our child would see his parent unhappy together. It is my unhappiness that is bottled up, that has caused this entire problem. I am not able to talk to my H. He is so unattached and unemotional. I didn't have to cheat either. It was my choice. I have been in therapy to deal with my sons health issues and have only just recently opened up about my infidelity so this is a work in progress.Believe me, I am listening and understanding what you are saying. I am trying to understand why I've done this. I have made my decision to not tell his wife. Honestly, I am having more difficulty with the fact that the person I chose to have an affair with is no longer talking to me and didn't end the affair in a reasonable way. But he doesn't owe me anything so I shouldn't expect anything.
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female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (26 December 2012):
I thought I had a lot to lose since he supported me financially. It's not that I was completely dependent, as I had a job that paid for my schooling. Regardless of engagement/marriage, I cheated on someone I could have left. I DIDN'T HAVE to cheat. That's the point I'm trying to make.
Being in the marriage a long time, isn't really an excuse as to stay in it. If you've been unhappy this long with him, why continue that way for the rest of your life? My parents divorced at 25 years in because of my mother's affair. She came clean.
You say you have a sick child involved, I can probably see why you would say together for that reason. But what about when that sick child sees the unhappy marriage her/his parents have? It's not a pleasant time growing up in a home with parents who are unhappy with each other.
I've been on both sides..the cheating aspect. Although, I could never cheat on my husband. And the part of where your parents don't seem to really love each other.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@tennisstar88...I have indicated before that I am not out for vindication or revenge in this situation. Please read my previous responses. I am NOT in any way hoping this mans marriage ends and that he comes crawling back to me.
My comment about others not understanding cheating was directed at those responses from people that clearly have not cheated or been cheated on and can only judge. This is not a fun situation I am in, as you know. I am clearly learning a very important lesson. One that will not be repeated as this is the only time this has happened.
You asked why I won't tell my husband of my cheating? You even said in your own post that you didn't tell you fiance of your cheating because you had too much too lose. I don't know what that means in your case. The same excuse could apply to me. I am not going to tell my H because it will devastate my marriage. I have been married for quite a while and unlike you, just being engaged hardly qualifies as a lot to lose. Please don't take that the wrong way. Just trying to communicate.
I can't really say what I'm gaining by staying married and why I don't ask for a divorce. It probably is because there is a very sick child involved and because we have been married for so long. He provides for me and treats me very well. He is just completely unattached emotionally from our marriage, most likely as a result of the medical situation.
@Wade...know one said in any post that my lovers wife and him were having marriage problems. They are in a long distance marriage and see each other 2x a month. I don't feel sorry for his wife in the least. She put herself in this situation, knowing his past with cheating, and most likely realizes that he is not being faithful now. Hence, another reason why I won't be telling her about what her husband has been doing.
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female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (25 December 2012):
Ah, from your original post you acted quite concerned about the wife. Really, your motive for telling her that she would be the type of woman who would kick him to the curb if she found out. High-powered, independent woman wouldn't tolerate such infidelity. Then he would come crawling back to you, thus rekindling the affair.
Now OP, don't be so quick to act as if none of us understand cheating..I cheated on my finance, because the sex sucked. I needed to fulfill this selfish need of sex and found a couple of guys who got the job done. Instead of telling my finance, I went on as if nothing was wrong. He never found out, although I could tell he suspected me but could prove nothing and eventually our relationship fizzled. It was over from that moment and I couldn't end it because I thought I had a lot to lose. When it was all said and done, I realized I didn't really lose anything and could've ditched him long ago.
Why won't you tell your husband of your cheating? Even if you don't tell him, what are you gaining by staying married? Why don't you ask for a divorce?
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female
reader, wade +, writes (25 December 2012):
First of all they are married, what makes you think she doesnt know her husband..Lets face it honey if you were so worried about this womens feelings you would not have been having a affair with her husband so cut the b^^^^t. Maybe you thought he would leave his wife saying he felt guilty and ended your relationship says alot. Go on with your own life and let them get through their marriage issues.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo So_Very_Confused... you are right...I am NOT perfectly fine which is why I've come to this forum to discuss this situation. As I've said before I don't regret my actions. I did become emotionally involved. More than I wanted too. Now I'm trying to understand my actions and move on from them.
I'm not telling my husband and I'm not going to tell the other mans wife. Sorry but that is my choice.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (25 December 2012):
OP, I don't think your intentions are pure at all. I think, sadly you are lying to yourself.
First you said: " He has ended the affair because of his own guilt with the affair. I have no issues with him ending the relationship and I understood that the affair would only be short term."
this indicates that you knew it was short term and you were smart enough to not get emotionally involved and you are perfectly fine with it being over and done.
BUT you then say:
"My question is do you think he is in as much pain as I am about the affair ending or is he more consumed with guilt and isn't even thinking about me? I can't seem to stop thinking about him and if and when he might contact me again. This is exhausting!"
IF you are in pain, then you are NOT "perfectly fine" with it being over and done. IF you are worried and wonder if he thinks about you, then you are NOT "perfectly fine" with it being over and done. IF you are exhausted thinking about him and wondering if he will contact you, then again YOU ARE NOT "PERFECTLY FINE" with it being short term and over and done.
YOU want him. To deny it is to deny human nature.
IF they are already married, or have been long term, I"m betting she has an inkling of what's going on. I was married to a serial liar and cheater... even when things were good, I knew stuff was up... humans are pretty smart about these things and if we don't react to what folks think we should, it may be because we accept the facts as they are.
You are married... should your husband know he's married to a liar and a cheat? IF yes, then tell him.
AFTER you tell him and the dust settles on your marriage, then we can talk about if it's your responsibility to tell a complete stranger her husband is cheating.
IF he is that guilty, then he may not be a serial cheat as you hope, because they tend to think they are ok doing what they are doing and not have guilt. IN addition, If he is THAT guilty, then he will probably rat himself out, if not intentionally, then "by accident" so that she finds out.
It's really NOT your place to be his judge and jury when you can't be your own.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo those of you that actually answered my question at hand, I do appreciate your input. Especially the female anon, who this did happen too in the past and the ones that understood my perspective about what else would hurt his wife in addition to his cheating.
I have chosen to NOT tell his wife about his actions. I'm still on the fence about it though. The only reasons I don't want to tell her is because it will expose me to her and to the man I had an affair with.
I don't feel sorry for his wife. She chose to stay in another state, for the money, not love, and left her husband to take care of himself. I only wanted to prevent her from making a huge mistake in leaving her high paying job, her friends, and her lifestyle to come to a city that has no opportunities except to take care of his two kids from a previous marriage (an ex-wife that he cheated on) and taking care of a man that will probably cheat on her again.
To those of you that felt the need to try and enlighten me into the fact that I have cheated on my husband and I should tell him. Don't you think I know that I cheated on my husband? I am fully aware of my actions and my choices and my choice is not to tell him. Are there issues in our marriage? From my perspective, I would say yes. From his perspective, he would say no. He is completely oblivious to what is happening and when I've tried to bring the subject up he is uninterested and doesn't know how to handle things. He is also not interested or open to any form of marriage counseling.
Would it bother you to know that I am not feeling guilty or remorseful in the slightest because of what I've done? My affair has satisfied a need that I had. Until you fully understand my reasons, or excuses as most of you would call them, you will never fully understand the motives behind someone who cheats.
Don't ever believe that you are a person that would not stand in my shoes. I was you people who are against cheating. I never thought I would find myself in this situation, but here I am. I have been married for over 20 years, NEVER cheated in the 20 years I've been married to him up until the last 4 months. Cheaters were the worst things imaginable to me but, I've done it. And I will live with my choice.
I don't regret what I've done, I only regret that I chose the wrong man to have an affair with because he doesn't want to continue. This is not revenge or anger talking. This is pure and simple disappointment.
My decision to have an affair will be "taken to the grave" and that is my choice.
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (25 December 2012):
What about your husband ? Does he not deserve too that someone would tell him the truth and that he is has been living in the illusion of having a faithful committed partner ?...Sure he is not uprooting himself with financial sacrifice .Still, if he knew the truth, he might see it differently about , say, giving you expensive presents, or leaving you all his belongings to his death, or letting you live in the same house for which he is paying at least part of the upkeep. As you see, practical considerations always interfere somehow.
If you are so keen on protecting innocent parties, which is commendable,- then do not forget to include your husband ,tell him the truth too. After all, maybe he has married a serial chetaer too and he does not know. You say yourself that this was just a temporary fling, not a great love- so who would prevent you from having another fling in similar circumstances in future ?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2012): Tell her.
No-one told,me and I wish they had.
Even now 35 years after we met and 25 after we divorced. I loved him. It broke my heart . 10 years of my life was a lie and I felt like a fool.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2012): You didn't care about her feelings when you were sleeping with him so why do you care about her well being now?
Although, motives aside, sure I think she has a right to know. I would if I were her. Just beware it may come back to bite you in the rear end. She could look up and tell your husband or do something else to get revenge on YOU
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (24 December 2012):
 BE honest with yourself, you aren't having pure motives. You want HER to know because YOU got dumped and want vindication.
I seriously doubt you give 3 flying fucks about his GF/Wife or you wouldn't have had the affair in the first place. I mean NOW you care? Seriously?
Learn from this.. "dating" a married" or taken guy is going to come back and bite you in the ass.
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (24 December 2012):
 I kind of feel like you are doing this a little bit as payback for him dumping you.
Though on the flipside, I do think that given the huge change she's about to make, maybe she should know. Not sure how to go about it, that's up to you. But honestly, I think you're right.
Do you think your husband might also have a right to know though?
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female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (24 December 2012):
Please excuse my frankness, but since when do you care about his wife or girlfriend? Of course he's to blame for the majority of it, but you had a hand in this as well. The moment you found out he was taken, you should've moved on. Not to mention you have your own marriage to attend to.
Instead of having some new, profound respect for his partner, you need to leave him and her alone. Don't kid yourself, the only reason you're going to tell her is to get back at your ex lover for ending it. You even said in your post you can't stop thinking about him, and if he's thinking of you. You're not over the affair.
Besides, do you honestly think she's going to believe you? She may blame you for all of it. I wouldn't want some mistress doing me a "favor" and telling me about my husband's affair. It's not your place. You had a place in this, and now it's over. Move on and don't get in their business.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2012): Sorry *was not sympathising*
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2012): Bit of a contradiction really.
Was you aiming to have fun with this man or expose him as a cheater to his wife?
What does that make you also?
Why now are you so interested in what's in the best interest of his wife, when you was sympathising with her when you were romping in the sack with her husband.
What about your husband and marriage, is that not important to you?
Does your husband not deserve to know he's also married to a cheater?
Despite what you say, I believe your mentality is still one of "if I can't have him his wife shouldn't either".
The best way you can move on from this is to break all forms of contact with him and concentrate on your own marriage. There's clearly problems in your own that need addressing if you're unhappy enough to have to cheat.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2012): Sorry but I have to be honest. You are coming across as being spiteful because if you were really worried about his wife's feelings, you would have never went there in the first place. If you now all of a sudden had a conscious, and want to tell his wife, she is not going to be very receptive of what you're telling her. It seems as though you are bitter and want to hurt her. I don't understand why a lot of women do that. His wife did nothing to you. So why hurt her.I have to be real. It seems that you're trying f to insult our intelligence on here by telling us this is not what you're trying to do, but it appears that is what you're doing.
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