A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:As adults, do you discuss any of the details of your sex life with either (or both) of your parents? Is it normal for a parent to want to know about your sex life?I am 23 years old. I recently started dating a new guy exclusively a few weeks ago, and of course, we have started to slowly become intimate. As a full-time student, I still live at home with my Mom and Dad for financial reasons, and while my parents have met my new boyfriend once, we either go out together or hang out at his apartment. Whenever I come home, my mom keeps asking me for lots of details regarding our sex life. Literally every time, she keeps prying if we have had sex and what was it like. When I tell her that we haven't had intercourse (we really haven't) and that I don't feel comfortable discussing it with her, she tells me that she thought we were closer than that and that I am upsetting her. She says she thought we were friends and that I am hurting her feelings. She really guilt trips me, and I find this behavior bizarre. I don't want to know any of her activity in that department, and I don't feel that at this age it is quite normal to want to know mine.I am on birth control, and I have always practiced safe sex. She knows that I lost my virginity to a serious boyfriend in high school, and when she found out (I openly told her when she asked), we had a discussion about safe sex and all that jazz. With my last serious boyfriend of three years, I came to her about a problem he and I were having once. He had a porn problem and ED as a result. I wasn't sure what to do or how to react, so I brought it up to the only woman I thought I could talk to about it, and all my mom has done since then is make jokes about it, which hurts my feelings as it was pretty devastating to me at the time, and, though he and I broke up over a year ago, she still brings it up every now and then, about once or twice every couple of weeks. She even has used it against me in arguments before. This definitely has made me not want to open up to her.But even under normal circumstances, is this normal? Am I being an unreasonable stick in the mud?
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (22 October 2014):
 Maybe she'll get more comfortable as the relationship progresses. She's only met him once and maybe she saw or felt something that concerned her.
Perhaps this is her clumsy way of trying to get you to bring him around so they can get to know him too?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone. I truly appreciate the answers, advice, and validation.
Someone asked what my Dad thinks, and quite frankly, he finds it incredibly inappropriate. He has never, ever pried into my life like that, but has always made it clear that I can talk to him if need be. He actually had a bit of an argument with my mother over this issue yesterday when I was not home, and he told me about it later. She is complaining that I seem like I don't want to open up to her or talk to her, and my father told her that, as an adult, I have my right to not discuss any of those details with her and that it frankly is none of her business. She told him she discussed this with her therapist as well, and her therapist told her my behavior and opinions on the issue were abundantly normal, while hers weren't. Her therapist reassured her that it sounds like I come to her when I have problems, and that if I'm not having problems, she should be happy for me and allow sleeping dogs to lie. But she just can't accept this. My dad told her that she really has no choice and that her behavior will just continue to alienate me.
While she hasn't explicitly asked about sex within this 24 hour period, she keeps bringing my boyfriend up and earlier she even asked, "How are things going with him? Is everything okay? Nothing's wrong is it?" And I simply said, "Everything is fine." Of course, I think it is normal to ask how things are going, but this incessantly is incredibly annoying. I have no idea what to do.
I think the idea of my Mom wanting me as a "girlfriend" is accurate. My Mom does not really have many friends, but that truly is because she alienates herself and does not keep up close friendships. Whenever someone tries to call or text her to talk or make plans, she usually ignores them. So, that issue is on her.
Nonetheless, thank you again to everyone who answered. It's nice to hear it from outside perspectives. I am most definitely drawing a line in the sand and staying firm.
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A
male
reader, wiseoldman  +, writes (17 October 2014):
If you can keep a straight face/not vomit ask her very earnestly for explicit tips on oral sex, pointing out reasonably that she must have gone down on your father. If she declares she never had done anything like that, wonder aloud if your father might be able to tell you what he preferred from his experiences with previous girlfriends.
And when she's further horrified by this, be understanding, apologise for asking about something that should, after all remain private between your parents and compromise by asking if you think her mother, your grandmother, might be better placed to advise you, or if deceased, perhaps your mother's best female friend.
This will put the subject of your sex life, which is none of her business, on the back burner forever.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (16 October 2014):
I can't imagine hearing about the details about my parents' sex life. That's not information I need to know. There's a boundary there that shouldn't be crossed.
Your mother assumes you will share details as you are 'friends' as well as parent and child. Um, no, Mom, you are first mother and daughter. Now that daughter is an adult, daughter is entitled to decide with whom she shares private and personal information. If she is in second grade, Mom is still responsible for daughter's well-being. Now that daughter is an adult, daughter gets to decide what is share-able about her life and what is not.
Place some boundaries and enforce them. Your Mom needs some help in understanding that, she may never understand it, but that's her problem and not yours unless you allow her to make it yours. If you understand that distinction, which I hope you do, you'll be able to manage it.
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A
female
reader, Staceily +, writes (16 October 2014):
 Does your mom have any female friends? It seems like she is desperate for a girlfriend to talk to in my opinion. Maybe she thinks sex discussions are the best way to feel close and like real girlfriends with you. To answer your question, I don't find it normal to discuss sex in depth with your parents. I think where you brought up your issue with an ex in the past was natural and fine. Your mom crosses the line when she wants specific sex details when you come home from a date. I would definitely tell her it hurts your feelings when she jokes and brings up your ex's ED issues.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (16 October 2014):
 I can answer from both daughter and mother perspectives which pretty much boils down to Don't Ask - Don't Tell.
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A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke +, writes (16 October 2014):
 Discussing sex with your parents? Yuk!!!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2014): I am going to chime in here and say I never, ever discussed sex with my parents. Once when I was about 12 my mom had her version of "the talk" and that was it! My mom-in-law was a bit more open and sometimes broached the topic of the sex life her daughter and I had but I never responded to her. It was as if that comment never happened! I not saying this is right or healthy but it was my experience but other than when I lost my virginity I don't bring it up with ANYONE! It's normal for mom to ask and normal for you to tell her to BUTT OUT!
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (16 October 2014):
 You have the right to not discuss your sex life with her. Stick to it. If she gets upset then explain to her why you dont want to discuss it. She is your mom, not a girl friend. Besides, not all girlfriends talk about this with one another...
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A
female
reader, mystiquek + ♥, writes (16 October 2014):
 I could never discuss anything such as sex with my parents. It just would have been too strange for me. I can't even imagine it. My sister and I have shared many discussions, but that's my sister and we are very close. I've always told my son that he can come to me about anything but I have never prodded him or tried to get him to tell me anything. I don't feel its any of my business. Its one thing if he asks me, but I don't ask. I find it quite unnerving that your mom feels the need to know. Its strange at the least, creepy at the worst.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2014): Honestly, I find it a bit weird and inappropriate that your mother is prying into your sex life. Yes you live with them, but you are still an adult.
I am also 23, also in college full time, also living with my parents, and I have a boyfriend. My mother expects me to remain a virgin... however I refuse to let her in on that aspect of my life. She does not know, nor will she ever know how or when it happened. It's none of her business. I am very close and open with my mom, but still that is one conversation that simply doesn't exist between me and my parents.
Someone would have to be a close, unrelated friend for me to get into any details about my sex life.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  + ♥, writes (16 October 2014):
 This is far from normal. In fact I have to agree with honeypie in that it's downright creepy.
What does your father think of this?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (16 October 2014):
 I didn't discussed my sex-life with my parents.I could however come to them with any and all questions. I just never did when it came to sex.
No, I don't think you have to give your mom details (sorry I kind of find that creepy and invasive of your mom to expect). And I would tell her that If you have questions you might come to her, but that YOUR private life (sex life) is none of her business. And I would ADD that her behavior such as USING things you told her as ammo in arguments make you want to share even less.
I would also point out, that she is YOUR mom, not your bosom buddy. And that it's QUITE OK not to want to share.
My guess is, your mom wants to live vicariously through your life. Maybe because HER sexlife is boring or non-existant.
YOU have to do what you find works for you and if sharing DOESN'T feel right (and I don't blame you) then don't share and DO NOT let her emotionally blackmail you.
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