A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So I have been in a relationship for almost 6 months and am wondering whether this relationship will last. I've had a lot of bad relationships, and childhood was not ideal so I doubt myself a lot and struggle with what a normal relationship should be like. But here are some things that are starting to bug me..The guy is not great in bed, we have talked about what we like in the bedroom and he hasn't done anything that I really like. I am very sensual, like to enjoy the experience whereas he is not sensual at all and is just racing to the orgasm. He seems to think that with one snog I'm good to go which is definitely not the case and he also thinks that the faster and harder he goes the quicker I'm going to orgasm...definitely not the case! He looks completely gone out if I change the pace or get him to change it up a bit. It's been so bad sometimes that I just want to say stop and get off because it is that boring. Like I've said, we have talked about sex, I've been open and at first I thought he was...but his words don't match his actions!He says that he is up for sex all the time but he really isn't! We have sex about once a week or less at the moment. He only passionately kisses and touches me when he wants sex and I can never seem to turn him on. I'm struggling with this a lot, I like to passionately kiss even when it's not sexy time and I think this is normal for most people?! And I am starting to feel unattractive with not being able to turn him on, I've tried a lot of things but nothing works. He also goes soft if he's not in control. He doesn't touch me much for hugs, hand holding etc. I actually spent a day making sure I left him alone to just see if he would show me affection and he didn't...this went on for 2 whole days and nights. I understand 1 person is normally more affectionate than the other but this is just crazy! We discussed what we would do with this lockdown situation and he offered to come stay at mine for the duration which has been quite nice. We decided that he should contribute with food and could do diy jobs around my house as a payment for bills. I thought he would be asking me what jobs need doing but he hasn't. He will do bits when I ask..but shouldn't he be offering or asking?! Instead he's happy to spend his day on his xbox or phone which really bugs me! He's 33 not 13!! I got home from work one day and couldn't give him a kiss and cuddle until I'd washed so after I went up to him and tried to give him a little kiss but because he was on his game he moved out of the way so he could still see the screen! That hurt me a lot and when we talked about it the following day he just couldn't understand where I was coming from and started telling me how I should feel, he didn't even apologise.I've also listed all the things I need to do after a 12 hours shift such as shopping, some housework etc and he didn't ask if there was anything that he could do. We've talked about our needs if we're in a grump...he needs time to himself for a bit.. so I have respected that. Im the opposite and I need someone to ask if Im ok and give me a hug... but he has not respected this..instead he just goes on his xbox for hours and doesn't talk to me. I've had a couple down days in this lockdown and have told him when I'm feeling low but he completely ignores it, doesn't question or anything. I ask him how he's finding it and he just shrugs and says it is what it is. He is also quite lazy.. pulls a face about even going out for our one walk a day! The days that I'm at work he doesn't go for his exercise at all. He doesn't want to join in when I do yoga, meditation or cardio work outs. But he has said in the past that he needs to start doing yoga. He literally does no exercise and pulls a face when I ask if he wants to join in as if exercise is disgusting. He's said he's an outside person but it's becoming obvious he's not. He has no hobbies but is quick to bitch about people who don't have hobbies or has hobbies that are not to his taste (he likes more extreme sports apparently). I'm wondering whether he's decided he doesn't want to be in this relationship but is trapped with the lockdown, although a part of me thinks he would just ignore the rules and go back home. He lives with his parents which is a bit of a warning sign to me, especially because I have a mortgage but he spent 3 years living in New Zealand..he only came back because his mum had received a poor diagnosis. It was out there that he seemed a bit more active, makes me feel a bit of a bore..maybe he just finds stuff around here really boring but he's not tried to find anything that is exciting (even before lockdown).In an ideal world I wish he was being more affectionate, passionately kiss me when we get home from work (he's in the building trade and currently classed as keyworker). I wish sex wasn't just on his terms. I wish he was more of an outdoor person, I don't mind him playing on his xbox a bit each day..but not the amount he's on it. He's either plugged in to his xbox, the tv or his mobile. I'm the type of person that can go days without gadgets. I have spent a lot of time working on myself, 10 years in psychodynamic counselling. I do not expect anyone to be working on themselves that hard but I think everyone should strive to grow in some way or another, physically, mentally, spiritually etc..but he doesn't. He's a plodder. Says he wants to do x,y,z but never initiates any of it. I've never really seen him get that excited, I can get hyper and excited, I am passionate about a lot of things but he seems to be at the level of a slug! I've talked about a few of my spiritual beliefs and things I've discovered through my own growth with people and they're interested, want to know more or have their own opinion to add which makes for a great convo. When I've said some of these things to him his response is usually 'well yeah' as if what I have said is common knowledge and not interesting. If he knows what I'm chatting about then surely he could add more, and if he doesn't know then couldn't he ask?!Am I just being taken for a ride? am I becoming his mother? Are we just 2 very different people? Could he be considering dumping me? Is he just a tw*t?! I've tried bringing up conversations in different ways but he doesn't like it. It is a difficult situation in ways, we haven't been together long at all and are basically currently living together right now. And have got on quite well considering this. He is good sometimes, he did lunch the other day and has done dinner for me sometimes when I'm back from a 12 hour shift. He might feel awkward being in someones home, maybe doesn't feel he can do what he'd like but we discussed this all at the start and I told him to be open if he struggles with anything and that he can treat it as his home..because it is for the time being and he says he feels fine and comfortable being here. So is he just a bit lazy? He will do most things that I have asked (I am definitely not bossing or getting him to do everything.And lastly, I feel bad because I have thought about my ex recently..I do not want to get back with the ex but I am missing the sex because it was so passionate and sensual. And I miss how the ex used to look in to my eyes..even when we weren't having sex! My current bf doesn't look at me like that at all. And has actually told me it's off putting if I've looked at him lovingly (and trust, I am not looking at him in a creepy way at all!). I just can't get a grasp on what's going on with him. Any ideas?! What would others do in this situation?
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at work, his ex, moved out, my ex, orgasm, trapped Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2020): YES there are more than enough warning signs that he isnt really into you..dont take it personally though, because i think he would act the same with any woman hes with..sounds like he would be perfectly happy living by himself, and maybe once a week seeing you...i dont know why you continue to put up with him...you know what to do..drop him like a hot potato...dont be scared..life is short..
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (21 April 2020):
 Oh yes, the warning signs are more than enough to show that he is not that into you . The perfect lover , always passionate, caring, sensitive etc.etc. only exists in novels, but generally a man who is into you will try his best to make you reasonably happy and will compensate his flaws as a partner by playing up the positive stuff. Like, maybe someone is not very sensual and has a lowish sex drive, but he will be very cuddly and affectionate ; or maybe he won't be the romantic type at all and will be uneasy with love words and displays of affection, but he will be ready to do his share and more of house chores,and always prompt to help out with errands and practical stuff. Etc. etc. This guy is not passionate , is not romantic, does not help you around the house, and he is not even minimally interested in having conversations with you or sharing your interests.
If one wanted to be malicious , one could say that he just did not want to be stuck at home long- term with his parents , so he chose the lesser evil ( you ). But maybe it's not that ; it's just that you did not know each other that well before going to live together, and you had not had the time to find out how generally and widely incompatible you two are from every point of you.
Which, is sort of the good news in this story.
Meaning, true, he gives all these warning signs that he may not be that bothered with you, and the good news is : why should you even care ?! You don't even like this guy ! The list of what you dislike in him , of all the ways he manages to annoy you and disappoint you , is so , so long, that one
wonders why the heck did you even bother with him in the first place. You do not mention him having the brains of a Nobel Prize or the looks of a young Brad Pitt, or any other redeeming quality so exceptional to offset all the many things in him which rub you the wrong way- so frankly I do not understand your worry that he may be on teh verge of leaving you. You sound so fed up with him that you should be overjoyed if he left by his own will, sparing you the trouble to give him his walking papers !
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (20 April 2020):
 What are you getting from this relationship?
My guess would be that there is one of two things going on here: either your boyfriend has commitment issues and finds it hard to get close to people (possibly autistic?) or he is just with you because there is nothing better on offer at the moment and he would rather be with you than his parents.
You are two very different people and it doesn't sound at all likely that you are going to make each other happy. Stop wasting your time. You are just not right for each other.
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A
female
reader, singinbluebird  +, writes (20 April 2020):
 Nope, this isn't your guy. Move on
NEXT
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A
male
reader, kenny + ♥, writes (20 April 2020):
 In your lenthy post you have really listed every reason why you should not be with this guy, and no reasons why you should.
He is acting like a spoilt teenager, by your own admission you say he is 33 not 13.
You have said it all and really answered your own question, and in your heart of hearts you yourself know what you need to do.
Get rid of of him!!!
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (20 April 2020):
 I didn’t even read half of this post.
Why are you still together? I don’t think it’s possible for two people to be less compatible.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2020): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI think I worry that I'm being unreasonable! Thank you for your replies
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2020): Your list of complaints is too long. Just kick him out and dump him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2020): This is actually so scarily the same situation i am in.Unfortunately mine is a 10 year relationship, which i highly regret. The sex - exactly. Eye contact - exactly.Game playing - exactly. Going out - exactly.Lots and lots of alone time - exactly.Please, please, please run from this.I wish i had much earlier on. I'm struggling with fact i'm now in my 30s and want to have children while dating this guy. I still love the guy and there isn't any big explosive arguments and life was just 'fine' so i plodded along and didn't make waves. But I've realised i can't have just 'fine'. I never had any other relationship to compare it to. You've at least had one that was good and can be thankful for it. Know that you can get it again with someone who appreciates you.Go for it girl!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (20 April 2020):
 I think you should suggest that he moves back home with his parents. ASAP.
This isn't going to work out because you are NOT compatible. You have voiced what you NEED from him but he doesn't feel he should comply or even think about your needs.
As for the sex. Sounds like someone who learned how to have sex from porn. The whole "jackhammer, pump and dump thing."
Most people don't want to hear what they do "wrong" in bed, this guy? Doesn't even care. He knows how HE can achieve orgasm and that is what he is going to do.
The no kissing, no intimacy (besides sex or to initiate sex) seems pretty selfish too. And then you have the libido thing. He WANTS to be someone who can go at it ALL the time, but reality is, he can't.
Not helping out around your house, well, I think - TBH - that it makes more sense that you are in charge there so YOU are the one telling him, can you do this and that, because it IS your home. He is in a way not a live in BF, he is a guest.
You guys hadn't been dating very long before he "moved in" and honestly? That was a mistake. When dating someone they are usually on their best behavior, when living together people start to "slip" and be more themselves. So this is WHO he is. A lazy, not very sexual, not good in bed, not very motivated, not very fit, or even CARING.
Is that really someone you can see a future with? Sure he isn't abusive but this is still a BAD relationship FOR you. Because your needs are ignored and simply not met.
My bet is as soon as this Covid stuff is over he will be the one leaving and dumping you, you were just someone to take care of him while we all had to "shelter".
If possible, I'd send him home to his parents NOW. End it and let him go.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2020): You are two different people at two very different stage in life.You've grown as a result of therapy and you want/need to talk about problems, feelings etc and you expect the same level of emotion in your partner.Because you've both been thrown together because of lockdown, earlier in your relationship than you normally would have been you are getting a wonderful insight into who this man is. And he isn't for you. He doesn't seem to have the ability or the wish to be sensitive to your needs, in bed or out of it, he doesn't understand or want sensual sex. A wham bam thank you mam with no concern about what turns you on, is unacceptable behaviour. He has shown you though that he is not going to change. He is not going to be the person you want him to be. He pays lip service to the stuff I think he thought you wanted to hear, about what kind of a man he is; active etc and he has shown you that he is not what he's told you. Maybe he was into extreme sports in New Zealand but it's rather convenient that he will never have to show you whether that's true or not, because you're not in New Zealand. Everything else has been a lie regarding that kind of thing.He is not sensual and doesn't listen about what you'd like in bed, he is not affectionate or attentive and will never be that kind of a person, no matter how much you tell him you want him to be. Even if he did perform those acts of affection for you, I think it would be false. It doesn't come from his heart...he's not that kind of person!All the wishing and wanting him to be different, all the talking and discussing in the world will not work, because he is not interested in a relationship really, OR THIS relationship. I suspect that he would be the same in any relationship he ever tries though. There is absolutely no point in wishing and wanting him to be different than he is. He is who he is. Don't try to change him. Change the boyfriend. Good luck with it during lockdown.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek + ♥, writes (20 April 2020):
 Save yourself time and heartbreak. Walk away from this relationship. He has too many flaws that you wish he would change. He won't. You're wasting your time. Find someone more interested in you than games and who isn't such a fixer upper.
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