A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am having trouble coping with the fact that my girlfriend won't tell me how old she was when she first had sex. I know who it was with, just not how old she was. I also want to know how many different guys she's been with and who they are. To a point I even want to know how long she dated these guys before she started having sexual relations with them. I'm old fashioned and was a virgin when I met her and I have to know this info to be a peace with they subject. Am I wrong in wanting to know this information??? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2008): I don't think your wrong in wanting to know that stuff. But as several readers have said, what good will it do? Unfortunately there are alot of people out there that say it's 2008 and "old fashioned" is out the window. It is very sad I think that most people no longer value the importance of waiting to have sex until marriage. I think it is sad that underage drinking occurs. The list goes on. Only you will know what is right and only you can make that decision. Take the pointers that are being presented in these posts and run with them.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2008): Ok I was wrong... I give in.... You are all right.... "basics of the real story DO matter"... Sure it probably be important to know the very basics if your sure it won't add to insecurity and make things worse.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2008): I understand why the most supported policy has become one of "don't ask, don't tell" these days, particularly with women. But this info IS relevant when picking a partner. It's silly to act like it doesn't matter just because some things are uncomfortable or socially unacceptable.
We don't think it's crazy for one partner to know if the other is carrying $200,000 in debt before getting married, do we? Even if the huge debt has been paid off already, the financial consequences of declaring bankruptcy and owing that kind of money don't end there. It's a mark on your credit history that doesn't go away. It also tells something about what kind of person you are to even get into that kind of money trouble in the first place. Regardless of whether it's settled now or not.
But wait a minute.
Wasn't that debt/trouble incurred BEFORE you got together with your partner? Wasn't it your own life to get into debt as you choose? What right does the other person have to tell you that you can't do something like that before they even knew you? And that experience helped make you who you are today, for good and bad.
If your partner tricked you into taking on the financial liability of their troubled money history before knowing the truth, we would consider it dishonest and manipulative. Well, money is financial "baggage" just like past sexual history is sexual and relationship "baggage."
It's dishonest to act like our sexual past just gets locked away in a little black box at the top of the closet as soon as we change relationships. Sex is a powerful emotional thing (for both genders) and there can be consequences for the rest of a person's life. It says a lot about who we were and who we still are. It says a lot about our morality as well.
It's inconvenient that it causes so much trouble when the truth comes out sometimes, but some basics of the real story DO matter. If the other person wants to know some general ideas, that's understandable.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2008): Diovan, I'm not talking about knowing every detail, unless the other person wants to tell every detail. I'm talking about things like:
Have you ever cheated on a previous partner?
How many partners have you been with?
Have you had 1 night stands, 3somes or things like that?
Did you go to bed with everybody on the first date?
Why did your first marriage fail? What did you do wrong? What made you leave your previous husband/wife?
These types of things are a partner's right to know so that they can make a decision if they meet their standards. If a person refuses to talk about things like this, then they will see the door. You say that you will not repeat mistakes. What if you think that the time you cheated was not a mistake? Your partner has every right to know that is how you feel. Eventually some things will come out in a relationship. Would you rather that it happens early in the relationship or would you rather wait until marriage and have a unhappy marriage or divorce because of bad feelings. I have talked to people who have had good relationships end because they were not open in the beginning. It is easier and less hurtful to break up after 2 months than after 5 or 6 years.
Things that are not necessary unless the other person wants to tell you are:
What positions did you use? How big was his dick? Did she give you blow jobs? How good was she/he in the sack? How many times did you screw each night?
Details can cause insecurities, but they can also be useful if some past partner and you did something that you want to try with a current partner. My wife and I have both learned how to do something better by know how a past partner did it. If a guy explains to his wife how to give a better blowjob or his wife explains how she likes doggy better, then it is obvious that knowledge came from a past partner.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2008): Oh dear troubledtoomuch, you are too much trouble, and here we meet again on the same battlefield.
What if the woman has nothing to hide except a deep and enduring respect for her past partner. What if she respects the things she has done in private with a person she loved very deeply. Why should she tell all, why should she open her heart and emotions for the sake of idle curiousity, and bare her soul to a man that might judge her and probably will not understand. As I've explained before, I think this lady is kind. Any questions of this kind for me, is a quick end to a relationship and the man is out the door. I don't want a relationship with a man that cries because he wasn't the first. I don't want a relationship with a man who needs to know all my business to put under his microscope to see if he approves or feels it's disgusting. My past is my past, be it happy or sad. The guy that will gain my heart and I will see as my future is the new guy who concentrates on our future, unbemished and clean and puts his energy into creating a pleasant and happy future unburdened with judgements over my past and decisions that I cannot change, I regret and will never repeat.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2008): Men and women both have every right to know about their partners past. Men and women also have every right to not want to tell. They have the right to know because a person's past tells the other what they were like and if they meet their standards of who they want to be with. A person's past is part of their personality. For instance if a partner has cheated on past partners, then that is relevant information. If a partner has had 20 sexual partners and it does not meet your moral standards, then it is relevant information. People have every right to know if their partner's core values are in tune with their own.
I believe that most men and women get so upset when a partner wants to know things because they are not proud of what they have done. My wife and I are both not proud of some things that we have done and we have talked to each other about those things. We both have a right to know about each other's past. If 2 people cannot communicate about what is important to them then the relationship is not worth it. If a man or woman cannot supply information to make their partner feel better about them, then they don't deserve that partner. If they are honest and one of them cannot accept the other's life, that he or she is not diserving of the other. It goes both ways.
Wake up men and women who think their past is not something that a partner should know. There are consequences to ones past. Face up to those consequences. Don't try to blame your past on the other person. You are the only one to blame if you are not proud of it, not the person who wants to know.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2008): I will add a 4th option to Diovan's list:
4) Leave her without knowing what the answer is.
It sounds like the 2 of you are at a roadblock and this might be the best option for you. You have to know and she refuses to tell you. You have your reasons for wanting to know and she has hers for not wanting to tell. Neither of you is completely wrong. You are just not compatable on this subject.
My wife and I went through this somewhat and she had a need to tell me. I never asked her until she was giving me all kinds of hints about her past. She wanted to tell me but was afraid to just come out and say what she wanted to. It would have been best if she had not wanted to tell me, but I would have probably gotten cureous at some point in time anyway. We still had problams because of this discussion and you will have many more than we did because of your greatly differing feelings on the subject. The feelings down the road will probably ruin the relationship anyway.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2008): Thank you Mr male reader, anonymous for your support. We may see things from different angles but the solution, as we have seen from the advice on offer here, is very clear and too the point. Of course this gentleman has his hurt feelings and wants to know all about her past, but this lady with reasons known only to herself, refuses to comply.
It seems you have three options, and as a grown man, the choice is yours, and only yours to make....
(1) Keep on applying pressure for her to tell you, she refuses and leaves you.
(2) Keep on applying pressure for her to tell you, she tells you, you get offended and leave her.
(3) Accept that her past is her past, she loves you now, and she loves you more than any man she has ever known. Forget about the past and concentrate on the happiness you can have together in the future. You accept each other without judgement and you have a secure and golden future.
As I said, the choice is yours, and only yours to make. Take care, I wish you good luck.....
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2008): Diovan Lestat may not realize it but I think she just made a good point.
Tyring to preserve the relationship is very important here, but there's more to a good relationship than preserving it at any cost. Suffering ongoing emotional trauma is a major issue too. It's a real problem in the relationship whether everyone respects that hurt as being "worthy" or not.
I don't think this girl has a right to tell this guy anything she doesn't feel like telling him. And I don't even think it would do him much good to hear any of it.
But his emotional hurt should not go ignored either. It's real and it needs to be dealt with in one way or another.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2008): Funny, two anonymous men who understand your feelings dear poster and suggest that you keep asking her about her past. You've already asked and she has refused to tell you. Take their advice if your looking to end your relationship, because you never know, she may hold the same views as us angry women here.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2008): Find out as much as you can as soon as you can. The longer you date the more chance there is to become too attached to make a rational decision based on your core values and ethics. You never know what the past may hide; in some cases you might find out something that makes you reconsider whether you want to be spending your time with this woman.
Ignore the angry women who speak out of their own insecurities and hatred of contrived double standards or whatever they're ranting about now. An agony aunt/uncle who has her/his head on straight will not berate you for having feelings...geez, too often men are chastised for being cold and distant, but once you start revealing your feelings suddenly your insecure or immature...
Feelings such as yours are not invalid, just as some female posters feel the past is the past, so too do you feel the past has bearing on a person's character. That is not a bad thing. Ask her what you wish. There's no point to a relationship that is not built on a foundation of honesty and disclosure...that's part of the reason why you should ask your gf
sorry for rambling...hope this helps pal
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2008): Geez. Just hear the anger in that last answer.
Why do so many women think they have a right to tell a hurting man that his feelings are because of his weakness in character?
These feelings are 100% normal for males to have, regardless of maturity or ego or security. Feelings aren't by choice. They're not something that we decide to feel. They're forced upon us by nature, just like a whole bunch of female-specific emtional patterns are built into women that men do not have.
At times like this I think the female gender doesn't have half as much emotional depth & maturity as we give it credit for. All it takes is for the issue to leave the area that women themselves are experienced in, and suddently so much of the understanding disappears. It usually gets replaced with belittling men for their pain instead.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2008): If you ask, you will only use the information you get against her, like every other guy who is grossly insecure, who feels inadequate for reasons that having nothing to do with their partner, and who are, frankly, sexist, holding women to a different standard than men. It is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. Women have sex. Sometimes they have sex at a young age. Sometimes they have casual sex. Sometimes they've had more than one partner. Sometimes they have sex outside of marriage. Just like men do. It's 2008. Time to get over it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2008): I think it's a matter of good manners. She would hate it if her previous partners were to discuss her with anybody else, so she is being a perfect lady when she refuses to discuss them with you. Remember it's not only your wishes that count, she also has a duty to her previous partners to keep their privacy sacret. Nobody wants to be talked about, and you would expect her to treat you the same, and keep your secrets private, if she ever leaves.
Don't ask, it's not your business to know, this is a private matter between her and her previous partners.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (26 June 2008):
 Don't open Pandora's box.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2008): You know, it is like writing a book; you two are starting a new chapter in your lives; what is important is what is happening now; how you are treating each other etc; if you in a realtionship with somebody, surely you must know her, and be happy; otherwise, if you are uncertain about her; why are you in a relationship?
Do not keep paging back to previous chapters; that is past tense, you cannot wipe it out;
BUT
be cautious what you are writing now; treat her with love and respect; make her feel special because she is yours now; you are going to loose her if you keep paging back; the chapter will then be very short, and what will be written in it? How obsessed you were with the past? No, surely you can do better then that.
Remember:
"Live for today, yesterday is gone and tomorrow just a dream"
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A
female
reader, andyb  +, writes (26 June 2008):
everyone is entitled to some privacy, you dont need/have to know everything about your partner. just focus on what the two of you have, everything in the past is exactly that - in the past.
best of luck easing your mind.
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A
female
reader, Fiona xxx  +, writes (26 June 2008):
 By nature, I was always curious about these things. What it is you just want to feel like you have some common ground and not feel like she has 'slept around' and that you would be just 'another number'. Perhaps to you this is about finding similarities between you, like you do with common interests and aims in life etc.
Cos you are a virgin, you don't want to feel she has 'slept around' or had sex with people too soon. Again, you seeking for common ground and compromise on this issue.
Do you really suspect her history is not what you want to know or unacceptable in some way?
Just try and find out if you like, just don't make her feel bad about things or justify actions, just because they are different to yours. We all have different life experience.
Numbers of partners depends on the age you are and the age you lost your virginity. We are not sure how old you are, but I do agree that the older we get, the more likely it is that you have slept with 'a few' people.
Don't let whatever she says dampen your feelings towards her. The past is the past and as long as things seem 'reasonable' or 'average' to you, then go with it.
Although such a topic is person and private; then again so is your current relationship and desires.
If it is about finding common ground, and being interested in eachothers lives/pasts. For example do you know about what it was like for eachother in school, the amount of friendships eachother had etc?
Just don't pressure her, be freindly and calm about it all, in the same way you would be with my above example. We all have 'issues' and do things for a reason at the time.
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A
male
reader, Yos +, writes (26 June 2008):
 Don't label yourself being a 'virgin' as 'old fashioned' and hence a good thing. A moral thing. What is going on here is that you are sexually insecure because your girlfriend has more sexual experience than you. Your insecurity is causing you to need to ask these questions.The other aunts are right. If you find out this information (whatever it is), it's only going to torment you. In turn you will end up taking it out on your girlfriend. She no doubt understands this, and that's why she doesn't want to tell you. She knows that it's only going to get used against her.You need to respect her right not to talk about this and put it behind you. So, to answer your question, it's not a matter of being right or 'wrong', but she has every right not to tell you, and your knowing is going to make your relationship worse.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2008): You're screwed. (Figuratively.)
You want to know because her past pains you and you feel like it will stop hurting if you can take some of the uncertainty out of it.
But once you know more, it WON'T stop hurting. You'll just want to know more and more, and still feel hurt and angry and disappointed over it.
There's no good place for this to end. Often people are not good matches when their morality doesn't match. In the past or the present.
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A
male
reader, oldfool  +, writes (26 June 2008):
 This is not a road you want to go down.
The more you know the more it will hurt. It will become a running saga that will become more real to you than the present.
You'll find yourself thinking: "The time she fucked that guy was exactly the same time I was on a trip to xxxx place, the weekend I decided to keep my virginity for someone who was worth it". "The time she had the dirty weekend was when I was celebrating a family birthday." "The time she first had sex I was blissful and innocent and knew nothing about sex". You'll rewrite the script of your life in retrospect, thinking about every detail and coincidence of things that lie untouchable and unchangeable in the past!
You need to realise that the sexy times you're spending with her now are the memories of the future. If some future guy wants to know about her past, all these things you're doing with her NOW are going to be grist for his little jealousy mill. In the meantime, YOUR little jealousy mill is mulling over things that happened years ago. What a waste! Don't become too sensitised to the past. It's the present that counts, and it's your memories of now that will become more and more important as time goes on. Don't let some vicarious memories of a past that doesn't even exist for you come in and take over from the real thing!
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male
reader, Collaroy +, writes (26 June 2008):
 Mate,
sorry but I can see where this is heading. Once she tells you then all you are going to do is give her grief about her past sexual history. The fact that you were a virgin when you met is your problem not hers. So you are just going to have to live with it, and frankly it is none of your business.
We have a bunch of emails from gentlemen like yourself who obssess over their partners sexual history. It is unhealthy and counterproductive,the older you get the worse it is going to get because you are unlikely to meet any virgins out there. If you press it, don't expect her to hang around. Women these days are independent and don't have to answer to boyfriends with a chip on their shoulder, they can simply trade you in for a different model - one who won't judge them.
Try and see what you are doing, if you cant let it go, let her go, she deserves someone who will respect her for who she is .
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female
reader, Artistry +, writes (26 June 2008):
 Hi there, Could you please tell me what good this information is going to do for you? Why is it important for you to have this information, to mull it over and possibly become incensed. I see no value in gathering this information. First of all it is her private life, she told you who, I don't think I would have told you that much. You both had lives before you met, because you were a virgin, does that somehow give you a better grade? Come on, if she is a good person, cares about you, I think it is a form of badgering and almost abusive, for you to keep insisting that she tell you. Once you know it, then what? Leave it alone, reverse roles, if you were a woman, would you want to be constantly asked these questions, I think not. It would be in my estimation, a sign of maturatity, if you left it alone and went on with your lives. Count yourself lucky, that she hasn't left you in the dust for someone, not so insatiably curious and more concerned, with the now instead of the then. Get over it, if I might request that. If you have a good relationship, you are jeopardising it with your actions. We all have pasts, if we are grown. Let it be. Take care.
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male
reader, Devil Spawn  +, writes (26 June 2008):
 I have seen many questions on this site and normally from American men, you have issues with your girlfriends past's... Why?
Just leave it alone. She will tell you if she wants, my guess is that she is worried you will judge her.
Good luck
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female
reader, LilzDon'tKnow +, writes (26 June 2008):
 I honestly don't think its any of your business to know her personal information. Its not your place to ask and i understand why she doesn't want to tell you. Thats private information. You shouldn't persure something that private.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2008): I don't think you'll be able to deal with it, and this is why she doesn't want to discuss it. You strike me as someone who expects a woman to be perfectly flawless in every way otherwise she's scum to you. Once you learn the truth about your g/f's past you will probably drive yourself (and her) nuts picturing every man, and every move he made while he was with her and you'll badger her for more and more details like some kind of junkie. Either back off and quit asking or move on and find another perfect princess that's lived in a glass house her whole life, free of sex.
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female
reader, Tremor +, writes (26 June 2008):
 It's not wrong to be curious, but you need to realize that a persons sex life is their own business.
If she wants to tell you how many guys she has slept with and who they were, fine, but you can't /make/ her tell you, and if she doesn't want to tell you then you'll just have to deal with it.
I really can't see how knowing her entire sexual history would set your mind at ease in any case. Wouldn't it just be a source of more frustration?
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2008): I think if you knew all you want to know, it might dampen your feelings for her. She may be embarrassed about her past, and knows that if she tells you, you will hit the door running. Give her some time.
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