A
female
age
18-21,
anonymous
writes:Dear CupidMe and a boy I’ve been seeing couldn’t control ourselves and ended up having anal sex despite the fact that we’re both Mormon and are forbidden from having sex until we’re married. Whilst we’ve both agreed to keep it a secret from our families, I feel really ashamed that I’ve had any kind of sexual contact before marriage. My parents would be so saddened if they ever found out. But do I still have the right to call myself a virgin? It happened last week. I'd met him at a church camp event in July. I really fancied him and we got on so well together. So much so that at one stage we ended up sneaking off into the woods away from camp so we could kiss. It was my first kiss any of any kind ever and even though I was enjoying it, I stopped it after a few minutes because I felt like we’d gone way too far just by kissing and told him the following day that we shouldn’t spend time together again because we fancied each other too much. We’re both 17 and obviously are now prone to having ‘urges’. But I wanted to stay true to my faith. He was gutted because he said he really liked me but I knew it was for the best. However, about a month later he added me on Facebook out of the blue and I accepted. After chatting online for a bit I found out he only lived a few miles away from me, despite the fact we go to different churches. He asked me out again and as much as I tried to ignore my feelings for him, I couldn’t. We went out together a few times to places like the cinema and bowling and I insisted it was just as friends but probably should have known it wouldn’t stay that way. We ended up kissing again and holding hands. After a few more ‘dates’ he asked if I would be his girlfriend. But I just wasn’t sure so told him I’d think about it. I really enjoyed spending time with him but was just worried about what being boyfriend and girlfriend would lead to. Neither of my brothers have helped at all. They’re 19 and 15 and are both sexually active. They gave up on the Mormon lifestyle ages ago, which really upset my Mum and Dad but there wasn’t much they could do about it. In fact my 15 year old brother has gone completely off the rails. He drinks, smokes weed and bunks off school. One time I came home and caught him with a girl in our parents’ bed. They went absolutely mental at him but he didn’t care. They know-full well about all the other stuff he gets up to but they can’t seem to control him because he just doesn’t care about the consequences or punishments. My older brother has a girlfriend as well and both of them always boast about their sex lives. One night we were sat in the living room together whilst our parents were out and literally all they did was talk about sex. They both knew I’d been spending time with this boy and just took the mick because I wouldn’t say if he was my boyfriend or not, or if we would have sex. They were both doing my head in that much that I stormed off. I knew they were just being childish and tried to ignore them but all it really did was make me more and more curious about sex. I just couldn’t help it. I will admit I was really jealous deep down of both of them. Literally all my friends at college had had sex and had boyfriends as well, so I felt completely left out. I did have friends from the church who were all still virgins and didn’t have boyfriends but they were all still into things like girly sleepovers and stuff that I felt I’d outgrown so in a sense I wasn’t fitting in there either. He was pretty much the same as well. In fact he admitted his sexual urges always got so strong that he had to masturbate regularly, even though it was also disapproved of by the church. But I understood how he felt. I was experiencing the same kinds of feelings and urges. One day he told me his Mum and Dad were going out in the evening and he’d have the house to himself for a few hours so I went round. We ended up in bed together. I tried to stick to kissing but it was too hard. In the end we agreed to have foreplay with each other, but keeping our clothes on and just pulling our pants down. I had my first ever orgasm through touching and it felt amazing, but I did feel really guilty afterwards. I should’ve taken it as a sign that I’d again gone too far but barely a week later I was back at his place, again whilst his parents were out. We were watching a film at first but ended up back in bed again and this time got completely naked. We both got really turned on after some more foreplay and he told me he had condoms if I wanted to go all the way with him. Even though I really wanted to I told him no and instead just insisted we stick to foreplay. But after I orgasmed again I got even more turned on and suggested we do anal instead.I guess it was naive of me but I thought it would feel just as good as normal sex would but it didn't. It just really hurt. The whole thing lasted barely a minute before I had to get him to stop. Afterwards I felt so guilty again, to the point where I left his house crying. He was really sorry and kept texting me but I haven't spoken to him since, I just can't face him. I don't really blame him for what happened because I was the one who suggested it. It's not his fault, it's mine completely. At church yesterday I felt really uncomfortable for the whole sermon. I just felt so ashamed and like I'd broken all those vows I'd made to my family and other members of the church. There's one lady at church who has been my mentor for years who I feel like I've really let down. She's been abstanant all her life even though I think she's mid-sixties, she just never met the right man so never married. She always told me to come to her if there was anything I wanted to talk to her about if I couldn't talk to my parents, especially things like sex and relationships. I can remember a few years ago her giving me advice about sexual urges and how to suppress them by finding other things in life to take my mind off them but clearly I just never took it on board. Even though I haven't had vaginal sex do I still have the right to call myself a virgin? Anal sex is still classed as sex isn't it?
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (18 September 2021):
 You had sex. «Virgin» is a made up word. You wont get pregnant from anal sex, but you can get STI’s. So I hope you used condoms.
That being said. What you do with your body, is your business (as long as its all legal). You dont have to tell anyone, and you can call yourself a virgin if you choose, because it really isnt anyones business except your own. But you were naked, intimate, genital contact etc. That is sex. Anything involving genital play for pleasure is defined as sex, even self pleasuring.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2021): Typo corrections:
"If you don't care, then are you free to do whatever you like."
"It's a lot simpler than it seems; but you can't do any of it without the help of Jesus, who lives inside us."
"It matters that you're a good-person; who loves God, and believes in Jesus Christ, who is the Son of God."
"If you choose not to believe, because you want to do whatever you like; that's what you'll be told by unbelievers, who think your faith is nonsense."
P.S.
*You can be a "good-person" without believing in God, or Jesus. God put the knowledge of good and evil in everyone. If you do good-deeds, and follow the rules, and you try not to hurt anyone; that is possible without having belief in God.
According to my Christian-faith; it's not possible to enter the kingdom of heaven; unless you believe in God, and that Jesus is the Son of God. We believe that Jesus Christ is the way, the truth, and the life; and He is the way, and the intercessor between mankind, God the Father, and the kingdom of heaven. People find all this to be rubbish and mythical-nonsense. The Christian Bible, according to Hebrews 11:1..."Now faith is the certainty of things hoped for, a proof of things not seen." That's the difference between believing in God, and just being a good-person. We Christians believe God rewards those who believe, and have faith.
Humans get to choose if we believe, in whom/what we believe, and if we don't. We'll know in the afterlife what rewards come from having faith and belief. I'm not ashamed of being a Christian, and I won't apologize for it. I have no right to condemn anyone for what they believe, or how they worship. That's up to God. My business is to make it into heaven!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2021): Sex is sex. It's still sex, or it wouldn't be called "anal sex." Don't play around with technicalities or word-play; when it comes to practicing your faith. Unbelievers will answer you one-way, and people of faith and worship will give you yet a different answer. You don't base your faith and behavior on what other people say and do; but on what Jesus and God The Father wants us to do.
Don't confuse what God and Jesus wants from us, with what comes from religious self-righteousness hypocritical-people. That's what drives young-people away from God. He'll make sure you'll learn the truth, and that you'll find your way back, when you're lost. According to some folks, you can't breathe without committing a sin. Compared to God and His angels, we are all sinners. God says so, not me!
If you love God, we have to have rules to live-by in service of God. Mormons and Christians don't believe the same things about God. Christians believe God is a Holy Trinity (three in one); which includes God, His Son Jesus, and The Holy Spirit. Mormons believe Jesus had a natural birth. Christians believe Jesus was born of a divine-birth through a virgin. We won't debate or compare beliefs on this site; but we will agree God is good, omnipotent, powerful, and sovereign (meaning He doesn't take orders from anybody, and He rules both heaven and earth.)
You are young in your faith, and God understands the mistakes and weaknesses we all have in our youth. No matter how old we get, we will keep making mistakes and doing wrong things.
Already, you know right from wrong; and you know the difference between telling the truth and a lie. You know what your parents are teaching you is for your own good. It's easier to do what the boys wants you to do; than to do what your parents expect of you. The time to be worried about what your parents think and feel, is before you do it!
Don't make it a habit of running to people behind their backs; because you're looking for a way to do what you like, without punishment or consequences. God will protect you through your parents, and will alert them when you're going off the right path. They have an instinct about when you're up to something.
God has provided an adult at your church you can trust; but don't abuse her trust and good-advice as a way to get around your parents. She can't take the responsibility, if something happens to you. The first thing you'll do in trouble, is say she told you something was alright; and you'll turn your parents against her. To protect yourself, you might blame her for telling you something was okay. That would cause big trouble if it was against what they're teaching you.
Remember this! All guidance, advice, and teaching come from your parents first. God expects you to obey them. Like it or not! Looking for ways to get around them is deceitful. They're the ones who gave you life; and love you more than life itself.
You've had a sexual experience. In the religious-sense of being a virgin, you are no longer a virgin. In the biological/medical-sense, which is the breaking of the hymen; you simply haven't had sexual-intercourse. Meaning vaginal-sex. You might fool your parents, but never think you can fool God. He expects us to wait; but He also knows that we won't always do what we're supposed to do. Jesus died for our mortal sins; because we could never satisfy God's wrath against sin as humans. He gave us a way to reconcile with God; and save us from sin.
You were taught to wait until marriage for sex; but your sin isn't sex. Sex is a gift from God. God judges us by what's in our hearts. If you have bad-intentions; that's what God sees in us, and will judge us by. God is always merciful, and will forgive us for our mistakes. He will forgive any kind of sin. He can tell by what we feel deep within us how sincere and sorrowful we are, when we do bad-things. Sex, as an act, is not a bad-thing, or a sin. It's being deceitful, lustful, or meaning to hurt someone; that's what turns things we've done into something bad, or a sin.
You have to live with your "conscience" when you lie to your parents. You can't lie to God, or Jesus; because They see everything we do, know everything we think, and hear everything we say.
Contrary to the fire and brimstone teachings we often hear; God is not sitting up in heaven waiting to throw thunderbolts at us for every wrong thing we do. You can hurt Him, when you do things you know are against His commands. He loves us, and takes care of us; because He is the Father of all creation. He made us, so He knows all our weaknesses, faults, and capabilities. He doesn't just let things happen to us.
He allows us time to ask forgiveness, with a sincere heart; and if we make a sincere effort not to repeat doing hurtful or evil things. Evil is any action done with an intent to hurt, destroy, kill, or cause catastrophe. Knowing you're wrong, and hoping it will cause the pain and suffering of others. That's what draws the judgement of Christ, and our Father God towards mankind. It is God's mercy that gives us many chances, and His grace that gives us the strength to resist doing evil. His Holy Spirit living within us is what makes us feel uncomfortable when we do wrongful-things intentionally. While knowing the consequences we could suffer, or cause others to suffer.
God doesn't make us feel "guilt." He makes us feel sympathy, empathy, compassion, and discomfort when we do wrong. If we don't care, and have no feeling when we hurt people; or do crime without remorse. That's how we open ourselves to darkness. Darkness feeds on sin, and that's what makes you feel "guilt." Guilt hurts us from the inside, and makes us feel ashamed. God doesn't give us those kinds of feelings. He makes us hesitant to hurt ourselves or others; because we feel compassion, empathy, and love.
Only good feelings and love come from God. Yet, we still suffer because we are mortal human beings. We live in bodies of flesh and blood, with the knowledge to do good or bad.
You thought you were expressing your love by doing what your boyfriend wants you to do. You also defied the will of your parents, who care much more for you than your boyfriend does. He's not your husband; and he can't take care of you, if you get pregnant. If he infects you with an STD, he will not take responsibility; he'll leave you to face it by yourself. He'll run and hide from your angry parents. He'll use his parents against yours for his own protection. It's not true you couldn't control yourselves. You didn't want to; and you both know it. You can't fool or surprise God, He knew long before it even happened. He's not angry with you, but He does want you to be sorry you defied your parents. You think sex before marriage is wrong; but you did it anyway. That's the only thing to be sorry for. You don't know if the boy really loves you, and sex isn't proof.
Don't worry about being a virgin; if you don't care about "why" you should be a virgin. It's hypocritical.
If you don't care, then are free to do whatever you like. Obey God from the heart, and with sincerity. He loves you no matter what, and He'll forgive you no matter what you do. He doesn't care if you're a virgin, when you get married. He wants you to be a good woman, a good wife, and a good mother; and to love Him. He wants you to find a man who loves you, and loves God. He hopes you'll marry, and teach your children to love Him. It's a lot simpler than it seems; but you can't do any of it without the help of Jesus lives inside us.
You shouldn't have sex with boys, just because they want you to. If you have to lie, or hide it after doing something; you know you had no business doing it. If you feel guilt for doing something; that's usually because you knew it was wrong before you did it. Don't make God into a monster, because "people" place guilt and shame upon us for our mistakes. That's where God wants us to pray for forgiveness, ask for His guidance, and He will show us the right-way. He will protect you from the guilt and shame that darkness tries to bring upon us. You feel remorse and sorry when you hurt people. That's the goodness within you; which comes from God Himself. You feel guilt, when you hide the truth; or lie about something you did wrong. If you confess to God; He forgives, and it stays between only you and Him. Leaving no room for shame or guilt.
What's done is done. You can call yourself a virgin; but it doesn't matter if you are, or if you aren't. It matters that you're a good-person; who loves God, and believes in Jesus Christ is the Son of God. As I said earlier, Christians believe differently. That Jesus Christ is the divine Son of God, born of a virgin. Our beliefs are based on scriptures from The Holy Bible. Our beliefs part in this respect; but we both believe in God, and Jesus.
If you choose not to believe, because you want to do whatever you like, that's what you'll be told by unbelievers. That's where you make a choice. If you love God, or if you just want to do whatever you want to do. God doesn't force anything on us, He gives us freedom of choice. Don't grow-up just worrying about appearances, and what other people think. You're a child of God, and you want to do what He will reward you for. He is patient, loving, and kind; and He isn't waiting to punish you, He wants you to come to Him with love and willingness.
In your heart and spirit, you are innocent; and you're still a virgin. No-one has touched it, but Jesus. That's all that matters. You have a lifetime to learn more, and God is watching over you.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (16 September 2021):
 Whatever your brothers are doing is irrelevant. They are not you and they are NOT lying to your parents.
Anal sex is sex. Yes. Are you a virgin? Well, depends on how "technical" you want to get. The "technical/clinical term" virgin is equated to penis in vagina. However, having sex is having sex. Be it oral, anal, or vaginal.
Can someone really be a virgin if they have sexual experience?
And how can you say the statement:
"I guess it was naive of me but I thought it would feel just as good as normal sex would but it didn't. It just really hurt. "
And then claim you never had sex? How would you know that "normal sex" feels good? Especially if it was the first time?
How do you move forward? Well, that is up to you. Ignoring your BF is not going to "undo" what you CHOSE to do. Just like you can't unscramble an egg you can't put this back in the box.
Can you learn from this? I think you can. You can LEARN to control your own desires/lust better. It's OK to FEEL horny. Does that mean you have to ACT on it? No. You already know that. Maybe take on board what that older woman told you.
We have urges for a reason. But we MUST be in charge of them, not them being in charge of us.
Do get yourself in a position where you aren't in control. An empty house with two horny teens is BOUND to make things easy to happen. So if you date, meet your date in public. Or around friends/family.
It all comes down to what you want for yourself. Do you want to follow your Church's doctrine? Do you want to be honest or just pretend to be?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2021): In my view, anal sex is sex. Thus you are no longer a virgin. But dont beat yourself up about it. What is done is done. Sex is not a sin (in my view). Its your body and you chose to do something you wanted to with it. You havebt done anyone any harm. You can tell future partners or you can keep it to yourself. Nobody ever needs to know except you and the guy you did it with. Please know that you have equal value as both a virgin and non virgin. To the majority of people it really doesn't matter either way.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (15 September 2021):
I think if you really want to call yourself a virgin you might be able to get away with it but the definition of a version is someone who hasn't had sex and anal sex is still sex.
But since obviously you haven't had vaginal intercourse you could maybe make a case for still being a virgin. This seems to be a common thing for Mormons to do to get around the rules or less.
That being said if you really want to respect your faith you should probably stop pushing your boundaries.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2021): You have a casual attitude to sex even though you feel you should be abstinate.
If you consider vaginal sex (the breaking of the hymen to indicate virginity) then you are technically still a virgin.
Perhaps what happened was a haphazard attempt at anal sex.
But only you can really know the truth of what you write and perhaps only you can be the judge.
I might as well suggest you consider a form of contraception to prevent unwanted pregnancies if you are going to continue.
I feel your feelings are mixed and your logic is also mixed so you may need to acquire a bit more maturity before you proceed as your age indicates you are still only 16yrs and abstinence might be best until you can control your urges and think clearly about wether you are ready for an unplanned pregnancy.
I think you might be acting a little too 'grown up ' for your age and you may need to slow down.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2021): Instead of concentrating on what you've been told all your life by others, i.e. your parents, your church etc, I would advise that you have a good think about what it is YOU think.
Forget everyone and everything else and decide how YOU feel about sex before marriage. About how you feel about having sex in general. Then set boundaries about your sex life. Maybe wait until you are in an exclusive relationship first. Until you are boyfriend and girlfriend and been together a while. Easier said than done I know. But you do sound rather young and naive to be having sex.
You obviously really fancied this boy, but were perhaps a bit naive to think that if you got into bed with him, that things would stop at kissing, but I've been there, done that, too.
I would say that you are not a virgin as you have had sex of a kind. Just one word about anal sex. It can ruin your back passage. It can make it more difficult for you to keep control of your bowels. It is supposed to be a 'one-way' passage and it's an exit, not an entrance. Don't give these boys what they want to the detriment of your own body.
If I were you, I would stay away from dating until I knew my own mind and where I stood about having sex. It sounds as if you were influenced by those around you on all sides, by those having it and those encouraging you not to have it. No wonder you're confused!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2021): Anal is still sex. Don’t let anyone do that to you again. You live, you learn.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2021): Yes you are absolutely still a virgin and so is he. Anal sex is not normal sex. You cannot procreate through anal sex so it is unnatural. Try not to feel so guilty about giving in to completely natural feelings as well. EVERYBODY gets these kinds of urges and sometimes feel like they can't control themselves, especially at your age. I think you do need to set some boundaries with the boy you've been seeing though. Try to not be alone with him again in case you feel you can't control yourselves again. Obviously in the presence of others you won't find yourselves at the mercy of temptation. Try not to ignore him either as it's not very fair on him, he must feel like he's completely blown it and just as guilty as you are feeling. It sounds like you really like him as well so it would be sad for something like this to ruin what you were building up together.
I would speak to your mentor again as well. Obviously don't tell her what happened but just explain that you've been spending time with a boy you really like and getting sexual urges. Perhaps she can give you some more advice that will help.
Finally regarding those brothers of yours...
You have absolutely nothing to feel jealous about with them. The younger one is behaving like an idiot and is heading on the path to nowheresville very quickly. He's either going to end up in young offenders or impregnating someone very soon the way he's going. Your older brother just sounds completely immature as well. Only other lads on their level would be impressed by the things they boast about I.E. Morons.
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