A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am in my late twenties and my boyfriend is in his mid thirties. We have been together for 4 years and discussed getting married. One of the issues I have, however, is his relationship with his family. Every Tuesday, he has dinner at his parents house with his parents, his sister (who is married), and his niece and nephew. I know it's important to him, but he refuses to miss a Tuesday dinner even for something important to me. Last week, the only day my friend and I could double date was on a Tuesday night. My boyfriend not only refused to go, but was mad at me for my "audacity" for asking him to do something on a Tuesday. He doesn't think that he has an issue, but thinks that I don't value family. I disagree. I have told him that I'm concerned that if we get married, I will be a second priority (after his nuclear family) and that he will not be able to form his own family with me and our future children. I feel like he wants me to "join" his family, and that our future children will be just an extension of "his family." He denies this. I definitely want our nuclear families in our life, but I also want to be able to create our own family. I don't want to feel like I can't ever schedule a Tuesday with him. Am I overreacting? How can I deal with this issue? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2012): You are totally over reacting here! Family (even extended) is a very important thing, to have a family get together one night a week to all have dinner is something that does not happen often. If your bf feels it is important to attend these dinners (once a week) you have no right to ask him not to. You know that this happens every week and you went and arranged a double date with friends on that one night, just because it was what suited your friend and he will not cancel his long standing plans to suit you. Get over it! Now you have been together for 4 years why are you not attending these meals? You are worried that if you marry this man you will have to 'join' his family, WTF! If you marry someone then you do become part of their family, that is a given! What is wrong with getting together with your other halfs family once a week! ESP with your children, that is a great thing to teach them, FAMILY VALUES! Which is something you either have never had the privilage of being a part of or something that you just have no care for.I am sorry that I am a little harsh here, I get together every Tueaday (great day for it) with my extended family, and they are great nights. They are even more special to us right now as my partners father has just been diagnosed with a life threatning illness and we do not know how long we have with him. My partner and his father are extreamly close and he has taken this very hard. So these meals are more than important.If you cant support and understand the importance of these meals with your bf then you should rethink your relationship. I feel privilaged to be apart of this family, I didn't have a close family relationship growing up so to be apart of this is wonderful.
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female
reader, Staceily +, writes (21 November 2012):
 I dated a guy like this. I didn't like it either, he had to be at his parents house every Sunday. Then there were frequent barbeques with more extended family like cousins as well. All too much for me. I felt the same way you described, like if we had kids it would've just added to his big family. I always wanted my own family, him and our kids. Then to visit grandparents sometimes. It's how I grew up and it's what I wanted. We had very different views on family and we broke up, this being one of many reasons. The man I ended up marrying is exactly as I am. We see his parents from time to time and the extended family only on holidays. When we have kids it will be just us as the nuclear family.
I'm not saying you should dump your boyfriend, just accept that this is how it will always be. When you have kids he will want the kids to join the family for Tuesday nights. You won't ever be able to change this and if you try he and his family will see you as controlling and a bad wife who tries to keep him from family. If you like his family it does help a little, I couldn't stand my ex's family. Marrying this man you will be marrying his family and join in their life. If its something you don't think you can handle then rethink the marriage, but if it is your only issue with him then I'd learn how to deal with it. Maybe some of those Tuesday nights after you have kids you can host the dinner at your own house, then it's more like they are joining you rather than you stopping everything to go to their house.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2012): And if you have children together and they have after school activities on Tuesdays such as sports events, parent-teacher conferences, does he forgo and drop all of that to be with his parents?I'd put that question to him and see how he reacts. That will tell you where you stand in the relationship although I already think you know.Does his sister's spouse go to these dinners and have you? Have they extended an invitation to you as well?Maybe this has always been the way it is since he left home. Maybe he and his sister are tied to their mother's apron strings. But, he shouldn't be so rigid about Tuesday dinners and he needs to learn to be more flexible.I loved my parents, but even I don't think I could go over every week for dinner with them. I had my life to live and they knew that. I was still very close to them though.I'm not a big fan of family get togethers anyway having been forced to go to family gatherings in the past that only resulted in bickering and fighting amongst my aunts and uncles and my parents.How many times do you get together with your parents and what would he say if you did the same thing as he is doing?Would he like you to spend a whole Saturday, every Saturday, at your parents home? Then you can never plan a weekend together to go somewhere just the two of you. How would he feel about that?If his priority is his parents first, no matter what, and you are coming in second best then I would think long and hard about wanting to be with this man.He doesn't sound flexible enough to me and is probably set in his ways by now and he won't change.
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reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (21 November 2012):
 He could have family dinners on a Friday, Saturday or Sunday - thus making week-end plans impossible, but his WEEKLY family dinner is every Tuesday.
I have to ask WHY you aren't going to these weekly family dinners? IF you two have been together for 4 years, YOU are part of HIS family.
Before I moved aboard I had family dinner EVERY Sunday at either my parents house or my Grandmother's. My first BF had a standing invitation and even after we broke up and I moved overseas he occasionally stopped by on Sundays and had dinner with my parents. I RARELY missed a Sunday dinner myself.
My husband has 5 brothers - so NOW I have a LOT more family then I did before we married. Getting married doesn't mean that YOU and YOUR husband becomes an ISLAND of your own. You and your husband becomes PART of each others family.
And yes, I do think it was rude to schedule a date on a Tuesday and expecting him to blow off his family.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (21 November 2012):
 Why if you are together for four years and talking about getting married are you not going to family dinner on Tuesdays with him? See to me THAT’S the issue. NOT that he has dinner with his family one night a week.
And kudos to whomever set it up so that it does not infringe on weekend plans.
I wish my kids wanted to see me as often as your bf sees his parents and I wish my dad lived closer so I could see him more than twice a year….
TUESDAY nights in his life are FAMILY night. It’s his family tradition and I’m betting he will continue it with his own children and family years down the road and what a nice one it is.
I too think you are making a big deal over something quite nice.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2012): "I have told him that I'm concerned that if we get married, I will be a second priority"Are you a second priority now? I ask because nothing really changes when you get married, meaning if you aren't feeling first priority now, that treatment won't change AFTER you marry. Another important consideration is does he feel like you'd put the marriage as first priority? I mean, he's only asking for a family dinner once a week and you aren't willing to commit to that. He may be feeling similar doubts about you.You also have to know that children love to be a part of an extended family and it's a great support to have grandparents right there. It really doesn't sound like you share the same values when it comes to this.No, you aren't over reacting if you know you can't commit to these things or will be miserable committing to these things.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2012): I come from a culture where a woman is married into a man's family (tribe) and not the other way around. So in other words, the parents of a woman's husband are not just inlaws but become her actual father & mother of which she has familial and tribal obligations to like her own biological parents. Consequently, any siblings that the woman's husband may have also become her siblings as well. The term in-law only applies to the parents of the man's wife. This is because in my culture, the wife is not seen as an individual but an extention of the son in a family on an intimate level and the entire tribe as a whole. Therefore, to answer your question I'd say that from my cultural perspective, a woman who tries to come between my family and my tribe is simply an undesirable marriage mate because she doesn't recognize & respect the fact that my family and my tribe is who I'am, my place in the world, my identity. Furthermore, since there is no marriage, what right do you have by making such demands to him? Family is good and family ties are even better. But remember, when you marry, you will always marry into the house from which your man is from. That's why you will change your surname to his because that is the house you will belong to. If you want a family of your own with him, respect his family because that is heritage. Start treating his parents like they are your own by loving them & taking a genuine interest in them. Win his parents heart and they will give you their blessing. When you do this, you will definitely have the kind of family life you want and marriage will definitely be sooner than you think.
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (21 November 2012):
 It's one night a week, it's really not a big deal. Like Cindycares, what if he was taking a class instead? Or some guys have a weekly guys night (like a poker night used to be pretty common). It's just a weekly event, nothing more. He's not devoting huge amounts of time or calling his parents obsessively, it's just dinner one night a week. I think you are being a bit disrespectful by not allowing him one night a week to do his own thing.
"he refuses to miss a Tuesday dinner even for something important to me."
I don't think a double date with a friend is hugely important.
I used to do ballet and had classes that I was devoted to. One of my boyfriends pressured me to stop going saying things like "if you really cared about me..." "What's more important, our relationship or your class?" I chose the classes and we broke up.
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reader, k_c100  +, writes (21 November 2012):
 I think you are indeed overreacting, it is one night a week and as CindyCares said, its not like its a weekend - its a Tuesday! So what if you and your friend could only do a double date on a Tuesday, why cant you pick another night on a different week?
I have horses and I ride without fail every Tuesday and Thursday, and I wont re-arrange this for anyone or anything. My boyfriend doesnt mind, he gets on with it and makes his own arrangements on those nights. We arrange our social life and nights together on different nights than Tuesdays and Thursdays, it is really quite simply and no-one gets annoyed about it.
As for the issue if you get married, I would be very surprised that a man who clearly values family would ignore his own wife and kids for the sake of his parents. He is clearly a family man, enjoys being with his family and values a good family relationship, so with that in mind it would suggest that when you have kids together, they will be his number 1 priority and he will value his own family higher than anything else.
Yes you will 'join' his family, but anyone that gets married 'joins' their partner's families. That is part of marriage, you cant expect your partner to ignore his family just because he is married now. Families are part and parcel of marriage and you will find that with any man you meet.
Ok so the extent of the family involvement varies, some people are close to their families and some people are not so close. If you dont like how close your boyfriend is too his family and would rather he was more distant (i.e. the kind of person that only sees family during the holidays or on special occasions) then I think you are going to have to look for a new man who matches your own values regarding family.
I personally think it is lovely to be with someone who has a good relationship with their family and wants to spend time with them, to me that would be a good indication for the future. If you are with someone from a broken family they tend to value family and marriage differently, and that would worry me in terms of our future together. But with your man he values family, his parents are still together and the family is a happy unit so that would be an indication to me that you will have a happy family life together.
But it is your choice, if your values surrounding family are not as strong as his perhaps you would be better suited to someone else.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2012): I also believe you are over reacting. As a girlfriend you should try to understand this. He is not putting his family first, he is just making some time to spend time with them. Instead, you should join his family on this dinner and show him that you put him before yourself.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (21 November 2012):
 I, instead, think that you are overreacting, and , believe me, I am no big fan of family get togethers and hanging with the in laws.
But, come on, is ONE night a week . For something he cares about and enjoys and has always being doing even before meeting you. And it's not even on a weekend day or night, you know, those days commonly reserved to entertainment and social life.
Would you kick up so much of a fuss if he had all his Tuesday nights taken up by his favourite hobby ? a photography class, a language course ?
People , even the most in love ,committed people, have the right, IMO, to a litle space for what is important to them.
Of course, it takes flexibility - from BOTH sides. " Ubi major minor cessat " ( In front of big things, the smaller ones don't exist ). Like, I would understand your dismay if he had refused to skip his Tuesday dinner to celebrate , I don't know,... YOUR parents wedding anniversary , or your birhday . But for doubledating with your friend ??? Sorry, but... I admit I am definitely on your bf's side.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2012): I read your post with interest as I'm raising three children, one boy and two girls and Yes when they get older i would want a family night where we all spend time together catch up on the goss(so to speak) and share ..
As I feel that though my children will grow and explore other horizons that as family with their brothers and sisters matter even in adulthood and by staying close that they continue to have a part in each others life's .. Wouldn't you want that for your children? Or do you want them not to give a damn about each other..
I don't think that one night out of the week and its a Tuesday is a dreadful thing, I could see if it where a Thursday, Friday or weekend day, but it isn't, is it.. I think your being, I'm sorry to add rather selfish here..
Why don't you go with your bf to dinner, certainly if it were my home you'd be made most welcome to the family ..
In this day in age, where family does not hold the same significance as it once did.. I say good on him and his family for trying to keep the bond of family.. I also think it shows you what a good catch you' have got.. Yes you are important to him, but so is his mum and dad and sister and family.. Does that make him love you less.. Hell NO !!
Family is all about sharing, we can not have anyone exclusively 100per cent to ourselves and if you two go on to make a family of your own.. He will need to share you and you him...
If this is your only worry with him, then you have it made...
I'm sure your friend could change the day of the double date..
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2012): "I feel like he wants me to 'join' his family, and that our future children will be just an extension of 'his family.'"
Very legitimate and valid concern, and a very plausible scenario, the odds of occurence I would categorize are more likely than not.
"Am I overreacting? How can I deal with this issue?"
No, you're not overreacting. Unfortunately, the only ways to deal with the issue are either accept the way things are or else don't marry him. When one gets married, one marries spouse's family as well. You are not going to change his thinking, and you are only going to antagonize his family if you try. You know what you will be getting into should you marry him, do not delude into thinking you can change him or he will change for you.
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