A
female
age
30-35,
*cantrell90
writes:I have been with this guy for a little over 1 year. We literally fight every day over the same shit. He has a friend thats a girl that he calls sis that he supposedly has known for 20 years, and she has tried to break him and I up and so I told him he needs to get rid of her, but he refuses. I have seen a couple flirty messages sent to her from his phone one of them said that next time he needs all of her. Then the next one said if he still can get her ass. They really hurt me and now he is to the point that if I dont like her then he says we are not gonna work. He literally thinks he has to talk to her everyday or else he gets very distant from me. He deletes the messages to her after he talks to her. Im assuming so I dont end up seeing them. He gets mad when I even touch his phone. Then I have seen some dirty texts sent to this random phone number, so I decided to call the number and it turns out it was some girl who he claims he doesnt know and they have never met. He told me that time he was set up by a friend of mine. I have no clue if i am in the wrong and being to jealous or if he is really doing something with who he claims to be his best friend/sister. Please help me!
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female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (14 May 2016):
 When you're fighting everyday over the same issue, the relationship basically is not working. Its saying, the problem is not resolved because someone it's budging, stubborn or interested in rectifying their behaviour. Harmony is out the window.
You need not be jealous of their friendship if it were not for the inappropriate flirting texts, her campaign a break the two of you up and his ultimatum. This creature is not a true friend! They’re childhood chums that haven’t grown up.
Be that he sees nothing wrong with this type of flirting etc, he is seriously mistaken. She still is interfering, and cause’s trouble. With adding insult to injury, he takes her side by valuing their friendship - ultimatum. (It’s ok by me for anyone to keep their friends, but ease off the interfering trouble makers of any description.)
I can only imagine what he’d be talking about if he thinks he has to talk to her everyday. He’d have broken the trust between you by talking about your jealousy, relationship problems etc. A matter best kept private.
Personally I’d be asking; who does he want to be in a relationship with? You or her…?
I think it best you send his dirty laundry to her place, there's a fowl odour that you need to distant yourself from.
All the best - CAA
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2016): I have a close male friend and he would never in a million years text flirty stuff like you have described. Sometimes we don't want to see reality. The truth is he is cheating with her but won't give you up either. He's a player. He wants it all his own way. A friend would not create a problem for someone in their relationship. I would start detaching yourself. Your esteem is fragile and that is what is keeping you in this awful situation. It's time to release yourself from this ridiculous drama.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2016): You've laid out every justified reason to give your boyfriend the boot. You have to by-pass your own pride and ego to dump his ass. If he's got such humongous balls as to tell his own girlfriend she'd better put up with some other female's flirtations and exchanging dirty-talk; or it's not going to work? I guess the girlfriend is the fool for sticking around.
The wrong person is handing out ultimatums, my dear!
Seriously?!!!
He feels pretty smug knowing that he keeps a cloud over your head, and she makes you feel competitive. You're playing second-fiddle. You know that, don't you?
He's got his priorities screwed-up! It strokes his ego knowing women are fighting over him. He also knows that women don't give-up their men to other women so easily, and he's playing his cards.
You know what you have to do. So do it, girlfriend. Don't complain if you feel you need him so bad you'll put-up with anything. I highly doubt your nagging and fighting is improving your relationship. He disrespects your feelings, and knows you're not strong enough to leave him. In your head, that would be admitting to her she has won.
Sorry, girlfriend; she already has. He has declared her the winner.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2016): yes dear you are in a wrong relationship,dump him before he dumps u.u desrves someone better than him
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (14 May 2016):
 That is not a brother/sister "friendship" they have. While they might have some friendship that SO far hasn't involved sex, the banter IS sexual in nature. And AS much from your BF's side as hers.
DUMP him. He isn't going to let go of his friend for you, and he isn't respecting your friendship either.
When a guy (or girl) ALLOWS a "friend" to create drama in your relationship you give them their WALKING PAPERS!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2016): Oh sweetie. I feel for you. I am very sorry you are going through this. I know how much this hurts. I have been in the very same position.My situation turned out to be me being paranoid, jealous and insecure. He was not doing anything like what I thought. But he works will women and has contact with women all the time thru work. This was hard to handle. It got to a point where I was spying on him. Going thru his phone. Telling him which FB friends he could have and could not have. If a woman so much as looked at him a minute too long, I went off the deep end. I questioned what he did when he was not with me. If his car was not at home, I was very upset and began imagining him off f%cking some other woman. I mean, every single time my insecurity was triggered (mostly imagined), I would picture him with antoher woman. And it was absolute, sheer torture. I would spend days on end crying with worry, parnaoia and anxiety. I would not be able to sleep at night. My entire life suffered. I found I became depressed. And eventually I needed to rely on medical help in the form of drugs to stabilize me. Or I feared that I would lose control of my sanity.What I discovered was what I had lost in the beginning. ME. My own happiness. By trying to hang onto a man I thought I loved. A man who did care deeply about me but I just could NOT trust him. I tried and tried. But at the end of the day, I could not do it. And the fact I could not do it caused me (and HIM) a whole lot of turmoil in our relationship. I distanced myself and always had a wall up. He put a wall up in return. It was a vicious circle.He did unfriend people on FB for me and did listen to my wishes about not talking to certain women. BUT if you look at it, having to do this in the first place is wrong. And it should NOT be unnecessary. We do not control anyone. And we do not control whom they are friends with. Even our significant others. If there is love and TRUST, they can have all the female friends they want. You know in your hear that your BF will NEVER STRAY. YOU TRUST HIM. YOU TRUST HIS LOVE FOR YOU. HOw? The man earns it and proves it in his actions everyday. Not his words. His actions. Now look at your BF's actions. What do they tell you? They tell me that he is not as invested in your relationship as you are sweetie. I am sorry. You need to hear the truth. He does not love you as much as you love him. I am not sure he loves you at all. When a man is this close to another woman and uses the excuse he has been friends with her forever, he is just using that excuse as a way to keep her in his life. He does not want to drop her as a friend. He will not cut contact. You know this already. You are well within your rights as a girlfriend to ask him to stop talking to her. To cut her out of his life. As she is the cause of your relationship slowly fading away. But also remember HE is also equally to blame if not MORE. He is allowing her to destroy your relationship by not giving her up. By minimizing her importance to him. She is one piece of work too. Very mean, calculating and selfish. To actually make it a mission to break another couple apart is one of the most despicable things anyone can do. So just rest in the knowledge that she is complete and utter trash. Just like him. He does not deserve you. I know this is no consolation but it is the truth sweetie. He is not worth it.You are going to continue being miserable as long as she is in your lives. Her shadow will forever be cast upon your relationship. It has already deteriorated it to this point. It is imminent that she is going to finish it off. Cause you to walk away or your boyfriend because he cannot handle the pressure of you being upset all the time.Do you think she wins?No, she doesn't.If you BF ends up with her, someday she will be in the very same position as you are now. Wondering who that girl is that is texting him. Asking him all the same questions you are. Having the same arguments. As you said, same old shit.I suggest you do give him the ultimatum. Her or you. And BE STRONG. Do not go back to him if he chooses her and then comes running back with his tail between his legs. You need to stand your ground. If you are serious about him and want him after all is said and done, then be the heavy here. You will know for sure by leaving him and meaning it where his heart really IS.If he chooses her, good riddance. Tell him to have a nice life. If he chooses you, just keep in mind that you are never going to TRUST him and you will be policing him for the rest of your entire relationship. Worrying about every girl that comes along. And that is going to take a toll on you.Do you really want this guy? Is he really a prize? If he decides to stop contacting her, do you honestly think he will STOP or will he keep doing it behind your back? I suspsect he will not be able to stop talking to her.The ball is in your court.I think you can do better.It might hurt now. But you can find a better guy. One who will love you enough not to put you through all this pain. A man who will make you his focus and show you every day that he is worthy of you.This guy is playing you. He is a jerk. A selfish, inconsiderate, self absorbed jerk.Put him in his place.You can do it!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (14 May 2016):
 " Can I still get your ass " is not the kind of message of a brother to his sister, or of a man to his best platonic friend. He's just making a fool of you.
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue +, writes (14 May 2016):
 "Next time he needs all of her and can he still get her arse" Um...what more do you need to get rid of this wanker, catch them in the act? Let her have him he sounds like a loser. Sorry, but that is pretty much the long and short of it.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2016): I think you are in the wrong. You practically demanded he choose YOU over a life long friend and he refused to take your crap. I wouldn't either! Then you refuse to be friends with her and go through his phone and wonder why why he deletes messages? Get over your self. Break up with him and leave him be.
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