A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm a married woman whos been having an affair with a single man for about two years now...I know its wrong, but he's so good looking, interesting, kind, and really seems to care about what I have to say...And the sex is Amazing.....my best friend who knows about this affair tells me that I'm out of control,its not going to last forever, that I'm going to probably end up hurt,and she talks from her past experiences...My question is: generally, why do intense passionette affairs come to an end? Right now neither of us want to stop seeing each other, and at first when I did feel a little guilty about things, one glass of wine with him at the bar made any willpower I had disappear, and we always ended up going to his apartment..Why will it end one day, why cant it last forever...I really dont know??
View related questions:
affair, best friend, her past, married woman Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2016): Just passion can't sustain itself in the long run. For that, you need an emotional connection/ investment, common interests, friendship, etc.
If you want it to last, you need to think about it as if it were any other relationship and treat it that way.
I'm curious- if he's single, why don't you just leave your husband and be with him? If I were in your situation, I would.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2016): There is NO one size fits all answer to affairs.
The comments here do not apply to each or every one of them.
They are generalizations.
I know TWO couples who started as affairs. And the affairs became public. They were so PASSIONATE about each other that they LEFT their spouses. And in both cases, are STILL together.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2016): It's passionate because it's a secret. Your passion will disappear the minute the affair becomes public and you realise the pain you've caused.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2016): I agree with you, Honeypie. Affairs need more than passion to sustain them long term. And the reason some affair relationships actually LAST for a long time is because there is MORE than sex involved.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (14 May 2016):
 I presume because it comes down to the two people HAVING the affair.
What works for one couple may not work for the next. But passion can't sustain a relationship, it's just not logical. Most people need a "little" more than just good sex.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2016): So, IF the PASSION (raison d'etre) and level of intensity of affairs CANNOT be sustained, then WHY do some affairs last for years and years while others fizzle within months, days or even after just one night?
How are some affairs sustainable for years on end then? Surely the intensity would have faded by then?
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (14 May 2016):
I think it's simply because people can't maintain that level of intensity. It's not sustainable. That is also WHY people get "bored" with relationships and marriages, because they don't realize that those things TAKE work.
After a while even the good, hot sex becomes predictable. And after a while ONE of the two people in this hot mess of an affair starts to realize that "this" is not reality. Or they want more, less and the other partner isn't happy with that.
---------------
And while you sit and talk to your best friend about "getting" hurt.. what about your husband? Do you consider HIM in all this? Do you have kids? Do you consider them, at all? OR do you presume that life is all about YOUR sexual gratifications?
-just asking.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2016): Why do some affairs last years and years while others last a few months, days, or are just one night stands?What IS the difference?Well, first, and importantly, some affairs are never detected by the spouse who either completely trusts their husband/wife and has no reason to suspect, or the husband/wife is a very skilled liar and deceiver who has been successful at hiding the affair for a very long time. So sometimes the deception continues because nobody finds out. But this is a ticking time bomb. The longer the affair continues, the greater the chances are for discovery. It does not mean discovery is imminent but the odds are higher. Sometimes affairs end quietly between two people before the discovery phase. Sometimes the spouse knows about the affair and would rather remain in a comfortable marriage with the "devil they know" rather than go through an upheaval of changing their entire lives. Most people do not like change or to rock the boat. Many marriages are built on stability, shared life experiences, shared friends, family ties, children. Even reputation. So wives looking to remain financially stable and secure with a man bury their heads in the sand. Either they know for sure or suspect the cheating but do not dig deeper to find out the truth. They just pretend everything is okay and convince themselves they are imagining things. So they can continue the charade.Sometimes it is the married man who wants it to end. He feels guilt and the pressure of a double life is taking its toll. And sometimes it is the mistress who will not let him end it. Because she is in love with him. And sometimes it is the mistress who threatens to expose the affair to his wife and to the whole world if he stops seeing her. The mistress feels used. Like how he could be with her all those years and make her feel special. Loved. Have a relationship with her but when the going gets tough, he sells her out and throws her under the bus. An emotionally invested woman will not take this lightly. And yes, a woman scorned can do some crazy things when she is overcome with emotions. That is why it is always advisable for married men to choose married women in affairs. Not single ones. AND for the affairs to be very short. Once they blossom into relationships, they have the power to destroy lives. Women with nothing to lose... ie. single women, have a lot of power. Whereas married women have a lot to lose like the married man and therefore will never expose the secret to anyone.The problem is keeping emotions detached. And this is not so easy. Men can do it better than women for the most part. And women can be emotionally unstable. So this can present a big problem for men. So, if a man is looking for sex only outside marriage without ever wanting to upset his life, the only way to go is to a prostitute or to have one night stands. Long term affairs are dangerous.Why do they end? Well, anything that is so intense and passionate cannot sustain itself forever. Just like all relationships, the intensity is greater in the beginning but eventually the novelty does wear off. Now, by definition, affairs will always linger longer in the intense and passionate phase, just because they are not real relationships. And you are both stealing time with each other which is fun, sexually exciting and free from real life responsibilities and the mundane. I believe that once an affair becomes a committed relationship, it would also end. Both parties would miss the illicit passion. So, if it is an escape, keep it an escape. This is how you ensure it goes on for a long time. The minute you get too serious, too comfortable, make demands, is when it will all start to fall apart. Live in the moment. Do not question. Do not ask for "I love you's", do not let it interfere with your daily life, do not make it a priority. In other words, do what you can to keep it a protected little fantasy. So many factors will threaten to destroy it. But if you want it enough and need the escape in your life, you must protect it. Do not try to hold onto it too hard. Know what I mean? Accept it for what it IS. Not what it could be. Just enjoy it and leave it alone.Whatever happens, happens.You must be prepared for any outcome. It is hard when your heart is involved but chances are people will get hurt when it does end.If you were to ask your single man for a commitment, I suspect he would not want one from you. I mean, how could he? He knows you are capable of being unfaithful to your husband. Your single man may eventually get tired of the sneaking around and want a full time commitment. Does he LOVE you? Or is it just sex? Do you LOVE him? Do you know for a fact he would NEVER tell your husband if you ended it? How do you know you can trust him not to ruin your life? You have placed a lot of trust in him. Do you know you are the ONLY ONE he is seeing? How do you know that? I mean, he is single and free to do as he pleases. It seems to me you may be emotionally invested in the other man. And that you use your husband as a crutch. To keep your life stable. So you have the best of both worlds. Stability and excitement. It is not unheard of. That is why most people have affairs while not giving up their stable marriages. Because marriage and excitement never go together. Especially as the years go by. Something has got to give eventually. As affairs cannot continue forever. Just because as with all relationships, things progress. And you either get serious and fall in love or realize that once love comes into picture, you cannot continue it because there is no future and the emotions of love are destructive to you, your husband, your family, and the other man. LOVE cannot ever enter this equation. Not in an affair. It has no place here.So, you can ride out the fantasy for however long it takes you to your place of paradise. But it is temporary. Some last years, some days as I said. But all temporary. They end because a spouse finds out. Guilt on the part of the affair partner (s). Stess, anxiety, worry all eating away at the person in the affair. Because the affair partner makes too many demands, gets boring and routine and perhaps the affair becomes too much like a real relationship and so the spark is gone. Because after the fog has worn off and the excitement phases is done, the affair partners come back down to earth and see the reality of their situation and attempt to do the right thing after all. So many reasons.But let's forget one... not as common but still possible... Sometimes.. just sometimes... it might be love. For one or both affair partners involved. This is the reason they CANNOT stop despite repeated attempts. And this is the reason the affair continues on for years. Just because people are married does not mean they cannot love their affair partner. It is entirely possible they fell out of love with their spouse and in love with someone else.
...............................
A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (14 May 2016):
 Your marriage will also come to an end if truth be told about what you do. Even if not told, the marriage will never be what it was intended in the first place because of the legacy of your affair. The taint of deception that you are sowing now will be felt in the future, somehow, sometimes, by you, by your husband. So once you start bringing your marital discord to your "single man" it is so improbable that he will stick around to give you any moral comfort in your marital demise. He is with you for the sex and not to be a douche bag that soaks your emotional stench from your marriage. So the moment you ever bring that up - and it is guaranteed that at some point you will - a little lightbulb in his head will go off telling him that it is time for you to be sidelined. He may drop you outright or, if skillful, modify his personality such that it drives you away from him.
So why affairs come to an end? Because no deception is sustainable.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2016): Because what you built is based on dishonesty and betrayal. You both know that what you are doing is wrong. So no amount of chemistry and passion can overcome the immorality of what you are doing. I don't want to be judgmental but what you are doing is so selfish. At least let your poor husband know that you don't care about or respect your marriage. That way he can move on with his life, its not fair you keep him around while you do this evil thing. Things have a way of working its way around to people so think long and hard about what you are doing to other people because its not just about you.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2016): They come to an end because ultimately most of us value commitment over excitement. The guy you're seeing will want a woman he can have all to himself one day and that's not you.
...............................
|
