A
male
age
26-29,
*am Wilson
writes:I'm having a moral dilemma, me and my exgf broke up over a year ago, a few months ago we decided to be friends again since we shared the same group of friends.So I'm dating my current girlfriend for over 3 months now, I've made an effort for my current girlfriend to join me and my friends as a way for us to get closer afterall she's still one of my closest friends. A few days ago my exgf started dating this guy who to me, my friends and my girlfriend was clearly a jerk to her. He told me and the guys that he's looking forward to sleeping with her since she was hot and she was basically putting out. Now I told my girlfriend about it, and she said that it was up to my ex if she wants to go through with it or not.Now I've known my ex since freshman highschool and I know for a fact that she's a virgin (my gf and friends don't know this), and even though i dont have feelings for her...I still love her enough to do something about this. Everyone thinks its okay because its normal for people our age to sleep with others but, I know she's far to special to throw it away on that guy. I've been with her for 5 years and I didnt sleep with her! She deserves much more.Am I violating some kind of personal space here? We accepted it when she drank and got skimpy clothing that was definitely calling for attention but I can't let her turn herself into a slut.Am I in a position to help her? or should others do it. She isnt the love of my life anymore but I still love her... does that count for something?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2016): If I was your current GF then I would be glad you warned your ex about this guy. Your ex needs to hear it and your current GF should not be threatened by it. You are doing a good deed here.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (8 April 2016):
 My high school boyfriend broke up with me shortly before the end of school. I was upset at the time, I remember. I started talking to this super-hot guy who went to a different school. I didn’t know him well at all, but it turned out he was a bit of a player type.
My ex-boyfriend took me aside one day and told me that the guy had a horrible reputation and that I should be careful. I wasn’t thrilled to have my ex-boyfriend commenting on my love-life, as he’d extricated himself from it but I think he did it because he was concerned about the guy being a jerk.
I wouldn’t spend as much time mulling this over as you seem to be doing. I would suggest you put a bit of emotional distance between yourself and this ex. People are going to make their own choices.
What you can do, simply, is tell her what you know about this guy.
In the long run, she needs to make her own choices but having some additional information may help her make better choices.
I think this is all a bit emotional for you because you are still emotionally attached to the outcome of her choices.
Just do the honorable thing, show your integrity and let her get on with her own life.
And try your best not to label people, “slut” is a very strong word to use. I remember your not wanting a label applied to yourself, right? So give people the same courtesy. :)
Clue her in, and then bow out.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (8 April 2016):
 It's nice that you are considerate of an ex. No doubt. But it can also make you a lousy BF. (for the new GF) as she might feel you are NOT over the ex, that she is your rebound or booby-prize/consolation prize.
But if you really want her to "win" in life, LET her make her own choices, her own mistakes. That way she will be RESPONSIBLE for herself, her actions and deeds.
Try not to overthink it, try instead to see her as a friend only.
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A
male
reader, Sam Wilson +, writes (8 April 2016):
Sam Wilson is verified as being by the original poster of the question I really appreciate everything you guys said...
And I guess I wont try to be anybody elses hero, I owe it to my girlfriend to be hers. Its not my duty to save the world, but it is about her.
Its just I feel that me and my ex are in a race together and I'd just want her to win too...if that makes any sense?
Thanks for the help.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (8 April 2016):
 If she is jealous she us still carrying a torch- ( and you are lapping it up ?... ) if she is still carrying a torch, you can't be friends- in fact , you just aren't. Platonic friends are not romantically and sexually jealous of each other ; if they are, they are not platonic friends but unrequited lovers.
Only for that , you should " disregard what you had " and treat her like any other social acquaintance that you have. I.E. if you share the same friends and hang out places etc., I realize that you can't ignore and ostracize her- but no need to be so emotionally involved in her life and business. Tell her what you know, if it really sits so heavy on your stomach - then case closed : she is an adult . She can make her own decisions and her own mistakes. You are not the custodian of her virginity , and should stay out of her sex life.
Add to this that you have a new girlfriend ... of course you should " disregard what you had "! HAD, past tense. It's over , it's gone, it's done- you have a new girlfriend, it's very disrespectful to her to resurrect what you " had " with another woman. Even with the best,purest of the intentions ( about which , you will forgive me, but I am a tad skeptical. If you are so concerned about your EX's sexual choices,... she does not feel to you as EX as she should feel - so the torch carrying here maybe is a little bit bi-lateral ? )- even with the best intentions, if you want to be a knight in shining armour be it for your current gf, and go save HER in case she needs it. Your ex can find herself her own knight !
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (8 April 2016):
Do you think it's fair on your NEW GF to treat your ex as anything MORE than a friend? Think about it.
And yes, she can sleep with whomever she likes. Whether the guy is a slimy douche-bag or a prince charming, the CHOICE is hers. If she chooses to sleep with a guy because she is jealous, again, that is her choice. It's an immature move, but again... HER life, her choices. She is also the one who has to live with it afterwards.
Since you are no longer dating the ex, you need to "let her go", not so much for her sake but for your own. Otherwise she will expect you to be the knight in shining armor who will constantly rescue her from HER bad choices. Just BE a friend.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (8 April 2016):
 If she's jealous then she can't really be friends. She disregarded what you have by breaking up, using the reason that you both needed to be alone to date other people. Then she assumed that you would just wait on hand, pining for her to decide what she wants while she samples the market. When you moved on and got a girl she wanted, she didn't expect that and now you have become more attractive in her eyes. So now she wants to proof to be the attractive one by sleeping with other people. This is not some sleeping with random people because it's her own right her body, her choices to do casual sex. Her decision making has something to do with you, to cause a reaction. So when you tell her or "help" her, it would give her the satisfaction that you still care for her. When more of your mental energy should be spent on your girlfriend whom may actually love you back, more than your ex.
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A
male
reader, Sam Wilson +, writes (8 April 2016):
Sam Wilson is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks you for your insight.
Since you girls thinks its okay for her to sleep with this guy after i tell her what he said if she chooses to, then I guess it is up to her.
Im just worried that shes just doing this to make me jealous since she said a month ago that she was.
Is this really part of moving on for her? And do i really have to treat her as a friend from now on and disregard what we had?
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A
female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (8 April 2016):
 If I were in a similar situation, I'd warn her of the guy but leave her to make her own decision on whether or not she still wants to be with him. I feel as though as a friend, yes there's sort of an obligation to her in a sense of warning her, but as an ex, you shouldn't feel as though its your place to convince her out of being with him because of the person that he is. in fact, that's nobody's place. A simple warning should reveal her final decision. That's all you have to do.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (8 April 2016):
You still "love" her because you've never had sex with her and the break up was a blur. Don't mistaken that as her being special. Men often put women whom they never slept with on a pedestal. It's the unreachable, hard-to-get-ness that tricked you into believing that she's respecting her body, she's waiting for "the one." You met when you were teenagers and a lot of young girls didn't even have the desire. Now that you are at different life stages she suddenly wants different things. She may even be sleeping with people you know as a way of making you jealous, because she's upset that you are with your girlfriend.
You really have to treat her as just a regular female friend without the entanglement of feelings and past history. Just warn her about him and that's it. At least you can get past your conscience and not feel bad about withholding this information which could protect her feelings and her reputation. It's nice of you to remain friends with her but this friendship has gotten complicated and it's not fair for your girlfriend.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (7 April 2016):
I want to point out that.... sleeping with one or 10 guys doesn't make her a slut.
But as a friend, I'd say;" I know you you and "Bob" have been seeing each other for a while now, and I feel I should tell you what he said about you. Now you can choose to believe me or not. That is up to you. I just felt you should know." After that don't explain anything further.
As a friend you let her know. But it's NOT up to you to tell her what to do. Maybe she knows and have CHOSEN this guy as her first. Still, as a friend I'd let her know.
And I would make that phone call in person. NOT over text and NOT over FB.
If she was NOT an ex, but a female friend in your group, you would tell her too, right?
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A
female
reader, jls022  +, writes (7 April 2016):
I think you should leave it alone. It's not any of your business who she sleeps with and for all you know she might be quite happy with casual sex. Equally she might not and she might even end up getting hurt, but that's the reality of life I'm afraid. People have to be allowed to make their own decisions both good and bad. Oh and for the record, deciding to sleep with someone doesn't make her a 'slut'. Women want and like sex as much as men and they shouldn't be shamed for acting on that if they so choose and the other party is a willing, consenting adult.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (7 April 2016):
Sam, have you tried simply telling her what he’d said to you and your male friends?
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