A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I have been together off and on for 25 years and been married 13. He has cheated on me a lot in the past and I've forgiven him, he promised it would never happen again unless he talked to me about it. He works in another state, he's sometimes gone for 6 weeks at a time and the most he is home is 7-10 days. We have 3 children that are here with me. He asked me about 6 months ago if he could just pick up a random girl, I said yes because I didn't want him to do it behind my back. The next day he told me all about it and she was a lot younger than us so it really boosted his ego. It made me jealous by the way he talked about how hot she was and how good it was. He also taped some of it on his phone and sent it to me but I couldn't watch, he showed all of his friends at work and still has the video on his phone. He's been out of town working for 3 weeks and asked me if he could sleep with one of the girls at there job camp. He said it would just be sex because he really needed it needless to say it happened 3 times and 1 time with a different girl. He said one night they just layed naked, cuddled and kiss then the next night she came back and they had sex. I know it sounds stupid because I'm the one that said yes but I think if you lay and cuddle, kiss and caress each other that is more than sex. He told me how perfect her body was, how good she was so I told him that was not our deal. It was just suppose to be sex and that's it. I was very upset and he told me he would never sleep with anyone else if it upset me. Now he's been talking to me about wanting to be with another man just to see what it's like. We are thousands of miles away so flying home he stops in a city( I'd rather not say where)and he usually stayed with his friend that I know and flys home the next day. This time he decided to go to a club hook up with a guy and have sex. He did ask me and I just told him to do what he wants to make him happy. So he stays the next day too instead of fly home and goes to a club again. He hooks up with a guy and goes home with him, it's later in the afternoon when he sends a text says he's ok, it was wonderful. He is going to go out with him again and probably stay at his house. He said he is going to ask him if he will see him when he comes through there going to work and coming home. I don't know how to feel about this. I did tell him if it was something he wanted to try that bad he should just do it and see what he wants. I have never asked him or cheated on him with another man or woman. Now that he has been with other people he just keeps telling me I need to go out and hook up with a guy, I told him that's not something i want to do. He will let it go and start back on it the next day. He's asked me if I want to separate over this and I've asked him , we both said no. I don't understand why he wants me to be with someone else? Do you think it's because he feels like it would be even if we both are sleeping with other people? Am I crazy for letting this go on? A part of me says it's no big deal and the other is discussed because I put up with it. Does it mean that I don't love him anymore to just let this happen?
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female
reader, newgia667  +, writes (5 October 2016):
 You are SO much better than that!!!!!!!I agree with some of the people who think you should get a divorce. I think you should take 30-60 days to evaluate yourself, understand your needs and wants, start doing stuff for yourself (while you still have his credit cards $$) treat yourself to things, go out to nice trips or weekend getaways with your children. Facebook some old friends and see if their up for a spa day.Clearly this man does not respect you. When you marry someone isn't the point to stay committed to them and only them. I get we all are horny especially with a busy job but if he loves you he should be at work waiting for him to come home and have sex with YOU, the real deal and not settle for pathetic one night stands or two night stands. I don't know how long this has been happening for but maybe he's going through some midlife crisis an wants to see how much game he has? (you guys were together since 19, maybe he feels he missed out) … Still, isn't fair to string you along for that especially when you have beautiful children..I understand the drinking a few glasses of wine a day, it hurts so much when someone you love doesn't understand you and doesn't see that its you thats wrong. I get that it helps you forget about pain and problems. I don't think your an unfit mother or an alcoholic because you still function every day, go to work, be a great mom to your kids etc.. I think he has made you depressed though and in result to you being depressed your drinking and smoking. (I smoke every day and can't stop so believe me when i say I'm not judging you, when i have a bad day i go straight to the bar and get myself 3 shots of Jager).. You and i both know he sees that your hurting and drinking and he doesn't care to stop his ways thats not love.. it unfortunately is manipulation. after you being loyal and faithful and giving him 3 beautiful kids the least he can give you is loyalty.. my advice, do your research for the next 30-60 days, where you ideally want to live, etc, don't focus too much on that focus on getting back to you, loving yourself, understanding you don't deserve this and there are men who will treat you right. I know he is your husband i apologize but i don't agree with his ways whatsoever I really hope things get better because you and your kids deserve a better life and a man who appreciates u loves you and is home and is able to be a GOOD example to your kids especially if you have boysBest of luck gia!
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (29 September 2016):
 I am not judging you or calling you a unfit mother, I am simply saying that he can use you drinking and smoking daily in court to gain access to your children. Maybe you could use some help getting off the booze? Why not join a support group it can be a huge help.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (29 September 2016):
 Have you spoken with your doctor yet? That would be the next logical step in helping yourself.
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A
female
reader, Belll +, writes (28 September 2016):
First off I am not an unfit mother! I do everything for my kids, yes I drink a couple glasses of wine & I have cut back on it. I do not smoke in my house or truck.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (27 September 2016):
Drinking and smoking every night really is not fair on your children, one off you need to put them first. You have agreed to this but it is not what you want. If you are lonely get help. First you need to give up smoking and drinking. Do it for your children. You are both not the best parents to these children. Get yourself clean and then after that file for divorce, you should get custody if you have gave up the bad habits, at least then it does not allow him to tell the courts you are an unfit mother. You both have problems and it seems the marriage is just not working for you both.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (27 September 2016):
 OP
Deal with your issue of "self-medicating" before you go for the divorce. That way you "give" him ONE less piece of ammo. I get that you feel lonely, sad and neglected in your marriage, but drinking doesn't solve anything.
Good for you to go see a lawyer and see what options you have. Yes, your husband would have to pay child support and possibly spousal support (for a while, more likely 1-2 years OR less) so I'd say make sure you find a place to live where you CAN afford it on your own, preferably in the same school district (or closer to family).
You kids know what's going on. Kids are often too darn smart. So while your son SEES how your husband treats you, it doesn't mean your SON won't continue that behavior later on with the women in his life. Monkey see, Monkey do. Same with the drinking. Which is the best reason to quit.
There are NO rules out there saying you HAVE to stay in a miserable marriage because you are married and have kids. YOU have ONE life, is THIS how you want to live it?
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A
female
reader, Belll +, writes (26 September 2016):
I have talked to a lawyer. I was really scared about doing it so my sister went with me but I haven't done anything with it yet. I have a very good paying job but he makes 3 times what a make and the lawyer did say he would have to pay me. My oldest son already hate him because of the way he talks to me when we fight. I smoke and drink wine every night and he told me if I quit we could be happier but if not he will leave me. I think part of the reason I drink is because I have a lonely life being married but by myself. To answer the other question the girl knew she was being tapped, didn't care if he showed it to anyone that's why she didn't want her face shown. Any woman that would meet a random man in a hotel bar go back to his room, sleep with him, know he's married and let him tape it doesn't care if he shows it to people.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (26 September 2016):
I agree wholeheartedly with Tisha.
One thing is an open marriage, it works for some. But YOUR marriage ? It's not an open marriage, it's YOU "allowing" him to cheat on you so you can stay married. Because you KNOw that IF you said, no you can't go F... other people, he would just do it behind your back.
Your husband has no integrity. He is ruled by his dick. And when his dick wants something "strange" and he isn't home, he will just have sex with some random chick.
He is suggesting YOU go out and hook up with guys because that makes him feel less "bad" about his action (not that I think he is capable of feeling bad about what he is doing to you).
There are no rules or boundaries here. He can do what he wants because he KNOWS you are too scared to be on your own with 3 kids. He doesn't care if he hurts you if he gives you any STD/STI's AS LONG as he gets to have sex with whoever he wants.
Are YOU happy with this arrangement? Truly OK with it?
Do you think it sets a good example for your kids? (if you think they don't know what is going on, you are wrong... trust me. I grew up with a philandering dad and I saw how it affected my mom, their marriage and how it later affected both me and my brother and... our relationship with our dad.)
If not, you only really have ONE viable option, and that is to leave & divorce his nasty cheating bum.
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A
female
reader, Belll +, writes (26 September 2016):
She knew he was going to show it to people & they taped it but she didn't show her face. This wasn't something he did without her knowing & he knew she would show people
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (26 September 2016):
 Did the girl know too that your husband was also going to show the video to all of his friends at work ? ( and who knows how many strangers in future ? )
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (26 September 2016):
“He tells me I’m trying to act like a victim” “if I wanted to go out I could get a sitter”
How about he finds the sitters? Organizes the kids’ after school activities and transportation? He can do it from ten or ten thousand miles away.
Then you can go out and do what you want to do. My guess is that it wouldn’t be having sex with a random guy. Probably it would be something far less dangerous and more fun. Like getting to go to a movie. Or getting a mani/pedi. Enjoying a quiet meal with a good friend.
Or more dangerously, you could find a man with integrity, who doesn’t coerce you into an open marriage and blame you for being a responsible parent.
Whatever you do, don’t have sex with him until you have had the safe sex talk from your doctor.
Just because you’ve been involved with him in your teen years doesn’t mean he’s a keeper.
The way you’ve painted him here makes him sound like a manipulative loser. What’s the point in staying with that? You’d have to get checked for STDs every few months, get to listen to his self-serving, ultimately meaningless sexual encounters and get told you’re a victim for not finding men to bang. Awesome.
Your kids learn what? “Your dad was awesome today, he banged this guy and instead of coming home to see you, he decided to stay another day and bang the guy again! Never doubt he loves you but don’t get in the way of his sexual needs!”
You can do better, if you choose. Good luck to you. And do follow the link I sent you already. I’m concerned you think this is normal and acceptable.
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A
female
reader, Belll +, writes (26 September 2016):
First she did know he was tapping her & he told her he was going to show it to me. I really don't know why I've put up with this so long, I guess it's something I'm so use to. We've been together since I was 19 and I'm now 44 so I really don't remember a life without him. But I'm not sure that I want this life either. He tells me thank you for letting him do this and tells me he loves me so much and if I decide I want to be with a guy he will let me do it. I work a full time job have 3 kids, sports after school and go know where without my kids so he knows it's not possible for me to met anyone or do anything even if I wanted to do it. I go to work and home, I stay home with my kids every night & every weekend. He tells me I'm trying to act like a victim and if I wanted to go out I could get a sitter. I think I know what I need to do it's just really hard thinking about a life without him.
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A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (26 September 2016):
 OK. My feeling is..it's one thing that you have, at this point, an arrangement where you want him to be open about what's going on and his needs. It's a 100% different thing for him to kiss and tell on the nitty gritties afterwards. I would have NO tolerance for a)wanting details b)SEEING details c) hearing that he's spreading those details to others. THAT to me is way more disrespectful than the sex itself. I think you need to ask yourself where YOU are in this relationship, and what YOUR needs are. Do you feel you are being represented in this relationship? Do you feel your needs are being met? Do you feel that, on balance, his having sex on the side benefits your relationship and keeps him happy? What about your happiness, how has it been compromised? Is there any permutation of the sex-on-the-side that you COULD feel happy about, or better about? It doesn't sound like it. Know that just because you came up with this arrangement at one point doesn't mean you have to stay with it. Relationships are ever evolving. You two may not be compatible at this point because of his shifting values.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (26 September 2016):
You’ve agreed to an open marriage, it seems, but haven’t set the rules and boundaries for that.
He’s broken laws by recording sex with this woman and sharing it with people without her consent.
Do you want an open marriage? Yes or no? If no, then it’s time to end the marriage.
If yes, then tell him what you are willing to hear about his other sex partners, and what you are willing to allow.
There is a difference between an open marriage, in which you both agree to the other having sex with people outside the marriage; and open cheating, where (in this case) he essentially taunts the you with the details about his extramarital sex with hotter partners, and then insists you have extramarital sex as well, even though you don’t want to.
I’d get both of you to a marriage counselor (they do this online too) with experience in open marriages.
Recording images of sex with someone without their consent is beneath contempt, and illegal.
As I re-read your question, you really don’t sound ready to be in this type of marriage; you haven’t agreed to most of what’s happening and he’s shown himself to be unlawful scum.
Now that he’s had sex with multiple partners, male and female, you need to practice safe sex with him until you both are tested for STIs. Go see your physician for more specific advice and exam and treatment, if needed.
Go see an attorney and get advice with regards to his illegal recording of sex acts with an unwitting partner AND see about what your rights are should the marriage come to an end. Which seems to be happening.
If you are being coerced or abused into accepting this then you need to go to http://www.thehotline.org and get local help.
I don’t know why you are accepting this situation. This is your life, you determine what you will and will not accept. If you are conflicted and uncertain, which seems to be the case because you wrote in here, then it’s probably not okay by you.
See your doctor, explain the situation.
Call the hotline, explain the situation.
Call an attorney, explain the situation.
If you belong to a church, and have faith in the pastor/priest/imam/rabbi/religious leader, go see him/her and explain the situation.
I’m thinking this is a marriage ender and you’re being railroaded, but that’s my interpretation. What is your interpretation and why is this marriage so rocky you have to ask others if what he’s doing is okay?
It’s not okay and you can say so, and believe it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2016): I can't even imagine why you're still with this man. You say you just want to make him happy but what about your happiness? This certainly isn't making you happy or feel good about yourself. There are also safety concerns to consider. Is he using protection when he's having all this fun with your permission?
This is a big deal and it is disgusting and you should not put up with it. My advice to you would be to get yourself tested for stds and file for divorce. Make yourself and your children top priority. Your husband obviously would prefer to be single and is staying on because you've made it very convenient for him to pursue his swinger lifestyle.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (25 September 2016):
 I wonder if the woman knew/consented to being recorded and paraded around to everyone?!
You can have a faithful man, you know. You're just giving him permission to cheat.
Please strongly consider getting a divorce - you deserve better.
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