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Am I being too materialstic and self sabotaging?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Dating<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (9 October 2017) 8 Answers - (Newest, 10 October 2017)
A female United States age 51-59, *at 51 writes:

Am I being unrealistic? I am 50 and dating a man for close to three months who claims he is retired, I came to find out he was laid off and doesn't want to go back to work. I find myself paying more often when we go out, it is a huge turn-off. I have a job that is very stressful and frustrating, which he knows and only encourages me to apply for another one.

He is great in every other aspect .. however, this is a big one as I feel no financial security what so ever. I divorced my son's father over 17 years ago due to this, never taking nice vacations and if so, It was up to me to foot the bill. Am I being too materialistic and self-sabatoshing?

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (10 October 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntHe encourages you to look for another job but he cannot be bothered himself? If he is capable off work but he is just to lazy then no I don't think you are being materialistic. Personally I think a relationship should be split down the middle before marriage and children. If he is already allowing you to foot the bill then surely it will only get worse as time goes on.

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A female reader, malvern United Kingdom +, writes (10 October 2017):

malvern agony auntI've been in the same situation as you at much the same age. My partner lived life on a shoestring and eventually I got fed up with it all although I absolutely adored him. I would say that you should keep this man at arms length because if his lack of money is an issue now then it will certainly continue to be so much later on. You're not being selfish because you have worked hard to live your life to a certain standard and you need to meet a man who is more equally matched to you. Keep your eyes open for somebody else and I hope you find him. I finally met somebody else and I'm a lot happier.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (10 October 2017):

CindyCares agony aunt No. There's nothing wrong in wanting as a partner someone who is financially stable, or anyway at your same level of financial stability. It's the same as lokking for someone with a high sex drive if yours is high too, or for an active, outdoorsy type if you are into sports and fitness, etc.

You know what works for you, and what does not. Some things one can compromise about , and some other things one cannot; and you know which is which in your personal case. For other women it might be different and they may have different dealbreakers, but you are you, not other women.

I think this person is not right at all for you and you are wasting your time with him. Not to mention, anyway, that he LIED to you, when he said he was retired and later you found out he was instead unemployed, and not looking forward to work again. He misrepresented himself, and IMO you have been too generous in letting him get away with it.

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A female reader, Dionee' South Africa + , writes (10 October 2017):

Dionee' agony auntNo you're not. This guy simply isn't for you. You know that you deserve more so if I were you, I'd dump him and continue on with my life and who knows, you just may get 'more'.

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A female reader, holeymoley Australia + , writes (10 October 2017):

holeymoley agony auntNope, It would pis me off too. You only need to put your hands in your pocket to get a tissue.

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A female reader, mishi 1 United States + , writes (10 October 2017):

mishi 1 agony auntPlease don't take me wrong he courage you to find another job but he don't want to find job for himself. He is selfish. If he cared for you he never put all burden on you. LEAVE HIM

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (10 October 2017):

Honeypie agony auntNope, nothing wrong with wanting a partner who is financially stable. However, if you like a partner who is financially stable - THIS is not the guy for you.

Stop wasting your time on a guy who WILL not be what you are looking for.

You aren't happy being the sole provider, so time to MOVE on. Or you will resent him even more as time goes by.

What's the point?

Wanting EQUALITY in the relationship doesn't mean all of a sudden WOMEN pay for everything. That isn't equality. (neither is the guy paying for everything... just saying).

Find someone who can SHARE your life without being a financial burden on you. It's only been 3 months! Stop wasting your time and money on this one.

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A female reader, Aunty BimBim Australia + , writes (10 October 2017):

Aunty BimBim agony auntShort answer: no.

Slightly longer answer ... if you are paying more and more often this man is a free loader, and while that might be kinda sorta okay in the here and now while you are still fit and healthy to be able to work what is going to happen in a few years time as the aging process sets in and your earning capacity lessens.

By paying for him now you will be setting him up with the expectation of being paid for going forward ... what will happen when you are no longer able to do this? He will decide you don't love him anymore and go find somebody else to bludge off.

Nip his expectations in the bud now .... if you are looking for a travel companion to vacation with this man is not the one. Far better to travel or vacation with somebody who can pay their own way. If you want to keep him around (though what for?) then find a female friend or colleague to travel with.

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