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I feel like I was second servings!

Tagged as: Big Questions, Friends, Sex<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (9 October 2017) 19 Answers - (Newest, 12 October 2017)
A female United States age 18-21, *hancceis writes:

Okay i really dont know what to do in this situation. So my freind is friends with this guy and they are just friends nothing more. So one day he spent the night at our apartment and I ended up having sex with him. I felt weird about sleeping with my friends friend but she assured me it was okay they were just friends and said she had no interest in him what so ever. So fast forward a few months and I'm at this party with the two of them there also. He suggests to me that we could hook up again and he wanted a place to crash. So me and my friend (shes also my roommate) head home he was gonna follow shortly. I get to my apartment and im telling my friend that i was gonna hook up with him i was excited. She was cool about it an supportive that is until he got here and she invited him into her room and slept with him instead. I'm super hurt angry i feel so pathetic. I cant understand why she would do that. And to make matters worse he came to my room after he was done with her like im some kind of second serving. My friend doesnt understand why im upset with her and im having a hard time facing her. Should i just forgive her and move on?

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2017):

Hi, I'm late to this question and haven't read everything, but I'm amazed so many people seem to have missed the crux of your question. (Maybe they were biased by the title.)

If a friend of mine did that to me, I probably wouldn't want them as a friend anymore.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (11 October 2017):

Honeypie agony auntOP, think about it.

You learned a lesson in what kind of a person your room-mate and friend is as well as learning that... maybe casual sex really isn't for you.

I would honestly avoid giving this "friend" too much detail about who you are interested in and in general your personal life. It seems SHE doesn't REALLY care.

And I don't think the aunties on here was out to bash you, we can only go by what you write. If you don't want honesty... put that in your submission.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2017):

I can understand why you are upset with the friend. It felt two faced. You share you secrets with her and it felt like she took advantage. This could be for any reason, and unless she tells you honestly, you will never know.

If you're able to open a conversation with her without showing any emotion, she may give you a straight answer.

At least you'll learn a lesson in friendship and deciding who you can trust with your deeper secrets.

Girls get jealous and competitive for silly crazy reasons. You are at college, so there is a lot of experiences for you all the gain, and maturing to do.

Just brush it off, no one died, and be more aware of your own feelings and boundaries in friendships.

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (10 October 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntOP you need to gain more confidence, you deserve better than to be used for sex and offer a place to stay. What your friend did was cruel and wrong and you need to talk to her about how it has made you feel. You need to work it out as he is not worth loosing a friendship over. What he done was wrong, he didn't care about your friendship he just needed a place to stay and wanted a bit off fun as well. Don't let guys use you like that, you can do so much better. Am sure it is hurtful that you offered yourself on a plate and he went after your room mate. Off course that will knock you a bit, that is why you should stay away from hook ups and wait for someone who only wants you.

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A female reader, Chancceis United States +, writes (10 October 2017):

Chancceis is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Okay I get your point I'm not cut out for casual sex. I'm not upset with him at all if I were in his shoes I'd gladly take what she offered. I am upset with her because were I in her shoes I would have never offered. The you got what you deserved tone of many of your answers was a bit much. What I got was being hurt by my friend, I personally dont think I or any one really deserves to be hurt. I will chalk it up to inexperience mostly he was only the second guy I selpt with. Lastly I agree with many of you casual sex at their level seems to be very distasteful beneath me, and just not my cup of tea. Thank you all again for the replys even the not so nice ones, I really appreciate it!

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A female reader, 02DuszJ United Kingdom + , writes (10 October 2017):

02DuszJ agony auntI would also like to say find some real friends with better character, as this girl isn't very loyal or principled- you wouldn't have swooped in there with him if she was planning on spending the night with him- so yes you have every right to be upset!

She is not someone i would choose as a friend and I wouldn't stick too close to her in the future

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A female reader, 02DuszJ United Kingdom + , writes (10 October 2017):

02DuszJ agony auntI agree with the others that you're not cut out and secure enough for casuals- I think you're letting your insecurities tear you up into this wreck where you're obsessing that"she's better than you in some way"- well stop that mentality, because human beings are a multitude of complexities and there could be all sorts of things going on in his head why he chose her.

Maybe it was the simple fact that he wanted to explore new territory. Maybe they even have a flirtatious friendship and he just really wanted to "go there" finally, maybe he had some drunken whim.. just an impulse. Maybe he was hanging out with you both so he could hang out with her more and he had secret existing feelings.

it's not just about looks either. My sis has a friend she's not all that at all, but she gets all kinds of guys after her, breaks up marriages etc. she does have a LOT of confidence, I've been with her at parties, and she leases herself out to people freely, lets water roll off her back, sleeps with whoever she wants- partly why she gets a lot guys! She doesn't get knocked because she doesn't care, no matter who uses who.

So ok maybe she has an edge of confidence over you, but you have some better qualities than her. It's not about being "better" than each other- just don't drive yourself crazy over that.

NO of course you have no "right" to him, nor her, she still had no regard for your feelings- she should know it would upset you being your friend - I think that was a scummy thing to do on her part and - and something neither my friends nor I would do. To just disregard your feelings, it's like cutting someone up on a yellow box (UK roads)- so they end up snapped in the yellow box with a ticket.

Personally I think casual promiscuity is scuzzy, and dehumanizing. I think that this has made you realize these aren't your values and you were thinking with your hormones.

You are a young woman so go out and have fun- I had the best times at your age, messed around a bit with guys but didn't ever have ONS- and no regrets. You can have fun WITHOUT casual sex. Just be true to yourself whatever happens- good luck.

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A male reader, CMMP United States + , writes (10 October 2017):

I think that if I was you I'd be hurt and upset as well. I don't understand why most of these answers are harsh, either.

Considering she's your roommate all you can do is talk with her about it and try to come to a place where you feel a little better. Being upset doesn't do you any good.

And if I was you I'd definitely forget about this guy.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (10 October 2017):

CindyCares agony aunt Of course you are not the "bad guy " for wanting casual sex, OP, but, by your admission, - you don't get it. It's true, you just don't get it, yet it's simple :

You don't get to call dibs on some guy whom you had a drunken mindless hook up MONTHS ago and with whom there's no kind , I am not saying of " relationship " or agreement, but even MUTUAL preference. That's not how it works. I think you are into your first forays in the world of post -club hookups and maybe you haven't cracked the code yet.

Actually I am not even sure that this qualifies as " casual sex ", it's a step down from it, it's more like " I'll sing for my supper ", or .. " I'll fuck for shelter ".

He is meat, he offers meat - and the hungriest , quickest one will get him .

Now, again, I can understand your dismay , the same that you'd feel if your friend had polished off the last chocolate in the box, or the last chip in the bag. Yes, she has been impolite ; she should have asked first, that was inconsiderate of her. But, at the end of the day, I also understand why she does not think it's a big deal, nor the guy thinks it's a big deal. Because, in terms of casual sex- it's not a big deal !, and you are stirring up a lot of drama about something that was not supposed to involve emotions and feelings and self esteem and whatnot. I'm sure your friend could tell you, in good faith : " Ok, next time when you want get laid, you'll take mine and we'll be even ".

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A female reader, Chancceis United States +, writes (10 October 2017):

Chancceis is verified as being by the original poster of the question

The only person who even came close to being helpful was the man and I thank you so much for that. As if I havent already been hurt enough. So yes it's very possible in fact its true she is far more attractive than me. Once again I am very shy she is my best friend and basically the only one I've managed to meet on my own despite any efforts to do otherwise. I live in a small college town where I go to school at. There is not even a club here to no taxi fare to be had. And I offered myself to him which was the dumb part. So when you go to your FRIEND who previously had no problems with you and him and tell her "I did something totally out of character and invited a him over" and shes all "good for you its about time you step outside of the box" then yeah it does not feel good when your FRIEND opens the door to him and invites him to her room. I figured he was/is sleeping with other people i'm not upset about him or that at all. But as friends with this other girl I think its safe to say she owes me a hell of a lot. I'm always there for her, late night runs to the store for ice cream cause she got hurt by some man. Buying her medicine when shes sick giving her rides all around town even when inconvient for me because she doesnt have a car. So yeah it sucks and I feel bad and I'm upset with her. Cause as a friend I would NEVER do that to her even if i were attractive enough to do so. FRIENDS respect each other. Apparently none of you been in a situation where you are blatantly passed up for someone else. Where you are left wondering what it is they have that you dont and when that "they" turns out to be your best friend... me and my friend were talking about how much that sucks like a week ago. She Knew how I felt about all that and she knew I put myself out there and tried to live a little as shes always telling me to do. I tell her how I feel and what was going on as a FRIEND you would think she'd respect that or tell me if she had a problem with it and she did neither.

I feel so much worse after coming here to vent. I have no one to vent to. Because once again very shy girl going to college in a very small town means I have very little friends. Thanks a lot.

PS. In case you wanted to know we have been friends for three years we have lived together for a little over a year. I cant just get out of my lease until this school year is up.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (10 October 2017):

Honeypie agony aunt

No one is saying you are a "bad" person for having casual sex. Your body, your choice. BUT thinking you can call dibs on a guy whom you slept with ONCE a few months ago it not working well for the casual mindset you claim to have.

If you are going to have almost random hookups you need two things, thicker skin and a higher level of self-preservation. Yes, your friend knew the guy - you had slept with him once but don't know him from Adam. It's not ALWAYS a good idea to bring guys you don't know HOME for sex.

As for her seducing him in 5 minutes... well, how can ANYONE possibly compete with that? And who would want to?

If she has a BF/partner and cheated on him/her.. that is on her. Not this guy and not you.

So really... my advice stands, if you want am FWB type thing or ONS's you need to keep out emotions of the equation. And your ego.

I get that it stung to be turned down at the last moment because the guy CHOSE to do HER instead of you but that IS casual sex for you. People like this guy will fuck whomever he likes and not GIVE a shit about how you might feel. You are a stranger to him, a room-mate of his friend.

If you want someone to be faithful to you and only DO you, then do the work of having a REAL relationship.

This was a lesson, OP

Some guys will have sex with whoever offers it. They just don't care. You are just a piece of meat, he was just a piece of meat to her, and she was a piece of meat he is also friends with. THAT dear op... is the nitty gritty of casual sex.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (10 October 2017):

CindyCares agony aunt Sorry but... it serves you right.

Ok, let's rephrase this more gently : live and learn. There's a lesson in this episode, and the lesson is : if you can't stand the heat, stay out of the kitchen ! You need to grow a much thicker skin uf you want to indulge in this very casual level of...casual.

You can't have it both ways. You want to treat people- and let them treat you- like commodities, and at the same time you want to apply the same social and psychological niceties of a real courtship.

I suspect you got all excited about your upcoming hook-up, because deep down you sort of thought that if he offered a repeat performance, if he wanted you a second time... that must mean that he liked you, at least that he liked you more than other girls. But... naaah. The guy was probably very buzzed, horny, and in need of a place to sleep. You, or your friend, or Hillary Clinton, whomever gets him first, for him it is the same, he just wanted to relieve himself- and save the cab fare, of course.

From this point of view, actually, I'd say he has been correct , in a way, in offering you his services even after having secured himself what he needed for the night. He remembered that the initial deal had been struck with you,... so he made himself available to you too.

As for your friend " snatching " him- he is not REALLY a piece of meat , is he ? Not an inanimate object. He could have said no. " Next time ". " I came for your friend ". He didn't, and at THIS level of casual,he did not have to, it's a free for all. Ditto for you friend; you do not get to call dibs on some guy you bring home drunk from a club just because you had had some fumble MONTHS ago. He is not your bf, your suitor, your crush,- he is just a guy with a hard on who happens to be on the premises . Now, your friend has been slightly inconsiderate, more or less in the same way as if she had drunk the last can of Coke in the fridge without telling you. You go home, looking forward to refresh yourself with a nice cold soda, - and... no soda for you; of course you get a bit disappointed and annoyed. But.. that's it ; if you have to introduce concepts like " rejection " , " hurt" " self-worth " into this very no-frills sexual scenario, then you are not cut out for random hookups and you'd better not engage in them to begin with.

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A female reader, Dionee' South Africa + , writes (10 October 2017):

Dionee' agony auntLook dear, he just wanted a place to crash and some cheap sex. He didn't cared who it was from so don't take it personally, it was just a lay to him. Surely you know that neither of them owe you anything. His needs got met and that's all that matters to him. In fact, if it's casual sex you were looking for then I don't get why you're crushed. Casual means you can be on shift any time he wants you to and off whenever he doesn't feel the need for you and that's exactly what he done. If I were you, from now on, I'd choose my 'encounters' very carefully.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2017):

It is a fact of life that when there are two best friends who hang out together,the one who is more attractive or better looking gets all the attention whereas the other get none. There are even movies made based on this situation. Could it be that you are in a similar situation? Anyway..

It is possible that she had feelings for this guy in the first place since she knew him before you although she told you otherwise when she learnt you slept with him, so she got her revenge the second time. You shouldnt have slept with him in the first place but since you did, whether right or wrong, he should have become off limits to her. Stop hanging out with her. Find friends who are not your room mates to hang out with and if possible move out or dont hang out with her any more. Find your own boyfriends. Good for you you didnt sleep with him the second time.

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A female reader, Chancceis United States +, writes (10 October 2017):

Chancceis is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Once again I feel you missed the point. I a single lady had sex with a single man who happened to be friends with my friend so what. I dont see how thats as wrong as you're making it out to be. My friend on the other hand is in a realtionship with someone else and has been since before I slept with this guy the first time and for that reasin alone he should have been off limits to her. She was wrong and mean to seduce him when she knew I expressed an interest in him. Thats the problem. I sat and told her to her face how I like him enough to want him to come over again which is all new to me because I'm Not usually so forward and legit five minutes later she has him in her bed. I personally think that was a bad friend move on her part. But I digress aparently I somehow am the bad guy I just really dont get that. Thanks for the replies...

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A female reader, Aunty BimBim Australia + , writes (10 October 2017):

Aunty BimBim agony auntHer friend, not your. Just because she didn't gab about getting to screw her friend doesn't mean he was off limits.

Its all tacky and sordid, don't fuck friend's friends and next time you want to get laid practice some decorum.

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A female reader, Chancceis United States +, writes (10 October 2017):

Chancceis is verified as being by the original poster of the question

You're right about sex being causal for me and me not really caring for him. But its the fact that i so openly offerefd myself to him which my friend knew and he rejected me for her and she took part of that practically right in front of my face that hurts. Rejection hurts so yeah maybe its just a bruised ego. But she knows the type of person i am she knows rejection hurts to me so I guess I never pegged her for taking part in being the reason I was rejected. I'm extremely shy so the only people I know I meet through her I've never just invited a man over like that so yeah the entire situation hurts to me like hell. Aparently I'm the only one who cares. And no I did not sleep with him also as noted my ego was already bruised enough. He owes me nothing. But shes my best friend and I would never snatch a guy from right underneath her like that and leave her feeling like a worthless piece of shit the way she did to me.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (10 October 2017):

Honeypie agony auntEwww. I remember tag chasers who went to have sex with one guy in the barracks and when he was done with her she would knock on the next door and the next till someone else would have her or take her home... THAT is your friend's friend. Gross.

I am not sure why you are so worried about this scuzzball. I agree with Auntie BimBim that you don't seem to CARE for him you just wanted some sex. It was a "tit for tat" You got sex, he got a place to stay. BUT when he also could CHOOSE who to have sex with, he chose her. He knew you weren't going to kick him out and if he was "lucky" he could have sex with you both.

You are pissed off because YOUR ego got bruised that he picked her over you, yet still tried to get laid by you as well.

I don't blame him for trying - You obviously thinks sex is a casual thing. He probably figured sex is sex...

Should you forgive her? For what? She didn't MAKE him have sex with her. HE made that choice.

He owed you nothing. She owes you nothing.

Don't fuck your friend's friends. If you want something casual find a dude who wants that too - who IS NOT known to your roommate. OR... don't be so casual with your choice of partners.

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A female reader, Aunty BimBim Australia + , writes (10 October 2017):

Aunty BimBim agony auntThe tone of your question suggests sex is a mere commodity ... and he's her friend so she got first dibs.

As for the guy in question it was a transaction, give somebody a fuck in exchange for somewhere to crash ... he was so happy with the arrangement he was willing to pay twice.

While I find the whole situation sordid I am curious about whether you accepted the guy's offer to give you one after servicing your friend.

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