A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my girlfriend for almost 6 years and we're finishing up college this year. We go to different schools but love each other so we've made it work long distance. The problem is that she's been partying a lot more. She traveled across the county with a new friend and met up with guys from London to go to an EDM concert.I couldn't go...her friends did drugs but she says she didn't. I was annoyed when she came back because I think festivals like that are just trashy and her pictures on Facebook and Instagram from the festival looked trashy too. She has always been a really good girl and now that she's going out on the weekends with this new friend I just feel really uneasy. She says I need to lighten up and trust her, but i just hate the scene she's getting into. My party days are behind me and she's just now getting into it...I still want to have fun, but I want to settle down a little too. I feel like I'm nagging her when I bring it up and she always says I'm too controlling, which maybe I am. But she ends up doing what she wants anyway. Is it wrong of me to tell her to not go to these music festivals, clubs, and bars? I'm not sure if this is all worth ending my relationship over. I just want to be happy with her. I just want the innocent girl I fell in love with. All advice is appreciated!
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drugs, facebook, fell in love, long distance, want to be happy Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2016): Hey I've been in your shoes before, she has a new girlfriend, who is single, an she wants her to party with her, we'll to all the other people who wrote you, we'll, you are not controlling, you miss your girlfriend, I wouldn't trust her, cause her new girlfriend is putting alot of things in her head, an when it comes to you she is telling her only bad things about you, an she wants her to be free like her, hate to say it, but dump her before she dumps you, then she might realize, you were more fun, cause myself, I rather be with my girlfriend then the guys, you are not controlling,her girl friend is, I bet her girlfriend wouldn't want you to go out with them, I know it's going to hurt alot , but tell her have your girlfriend, you can't win, good luck
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all the honest feedback! It really cleared my mind. I'm going to let her make her own decisions instead of pushing her down and being so demanding. Thanks for the clarity!
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A
female
reader, Amycoffeegirl +, writes (18 April 2016):
It has been 6 years, and people do change. And as things change, hopefully the two of you can compromise and change together. With compromise, each of you agree to try some new things that may seem different at first, but might just suit your relationship if you give it a chance.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (18 April 2016):
 People do change over the years and 6 years during the late teens early 20s are huge times for us to change.
Yes you are being controlling
Yes you are being unfair and unrealistic.
"her friends did drugs but she _says_ she didn't"
are you implying you don't trust her? that's how this reads to me...that she SAYS she didn't do drugs (the implication being "I don't believe her") is that true?
If you don't believe her, that's strike one for the relationship
"I was annoyed"
oh well... so YOU were annoyed that she went out with friends to do something YOU think is trashy. Too bad. You are judging her behavior, her friends and her choices. STRIKE TWO for the relationship.
"she has always been a really good girl"
oh so now you are saying she's NOT a good girl. Again with the judging. Are you implying that she's not good enough for you. Or is this "uneasy" feeling an insecurity. Perhaps she is growing out of the relationship and you sense it and are trying to keep her in the relationship past it's expiration date?
"she ends up doing what she wants anyway"
so you try to tell her what she can and cannot do and she ignores your "suggestions" GOOD FOR HER.
You want the "innocent girl" you fell in love with.
people grow and mature and change...sounds to me like you don't want her to do that.
You can't love someone's potential or their past
you can only accept and love someone where they currently are in their lives.
if who she is becoming is not who you want, then sadly it's time to end it.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (18 April 2016):
 You are not her parent or her conscience. So telling her what to do and what looks "trashy" on Facebook IS controlling. Her Facebook... she can post what she wants.
While you ARE her BF, you are NOT in charge of her life. YOU can talk boundaries with her, but it's NOT just YOUR boundaries that count, it's a compromise of yours and hers.
You say YOUR party-days are behind you, but her has just started, so she is younger than you? Or is it because you are LDR now, and she is more "free" to do what SHE wants?
It was OK for you to party, but not for her? You don't see the glaring double-standard here?
It's been 6 years, she IS NOT the innocent girl you first knew. EVERYONE grows in 6 years, for you to expect her not to.. well that is unrealistic. To want to keep her at some "previous little innocent girl stage"... it's not going to happen. DOESN'T mean she CAN'T be faithful or make smart life-choices without YOU telling her. SHE is who she is. You have to accept that she wants to grow as a person. She isn't your possession to put up on a shelf till YOU are ready to "play" with her.
The thing is, as you write, she will do as she pleases whether you like it or not. So... you really have two choices; 1. trust her and respect that she CAN do things without you there to "supervise" 2. let her go, accept that the person she is now, is not someone you want to be with any longer.
Maybe in all honesty, you have outgrown her? or she is in the midst of outgrowing you?
Since you two are LDR, how often to you actually GET to see each other in person?
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (18 April 2016):
Chigirl gives a good answer. It’s very wrong of you to tell her what to do, yes. You can ask, and you can hope she will see your point of view, but telling her what to do is not on. This means you are being controlling. It could mean that you’re a controlling and manipulative person, but you would probably not have asked this question and wouldn’t be worrying about it if you were. That suggests to me you are engaging in controlling behaviour because, whether you realise it or not, you’re fighting a growing incompatibility that is threatening your relationship. But when you start calling her pictures “trashy” (when she’s done nothing wrong), and you start seeing her enjoyment of time with other friends as making her less “innocent,” and when you describe her as a “good girl,” alarm bells should really start ringing. As a man, reading phrases like that about a woman makes me feel uncomfortable. You just don’t like the person she is becoming and you’re wishing she was some-one else. You are trying to mould her in to that person. This doesn’t work: you will just make both of you more and more miserable. You have some serious thinking to do. Either you find a compromise with which to approach her, for example requesting that she makes time for your relationship as well as for her friends, or if you can’t give an inch and accept what’s happening, you be straight with her that your lives are heading in different directions and the relationship isn’t going to work. Then you wish each other well and move on.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2016): My ex boyfriend changed over night from a stay at home happy to go out for country walks and dinner parties to a clubbing and festival goer. He was 35 and I realised he was changing before my eyes. People do change. This is not so much about you being controlling but about now being on different pages. Its very painful and you need to talk openly and honestly so you can both decide where things are going.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (18 April 2016):
 Yes, you are being controlling if you are trying to control what she does and with whom. If you are so opposed to her lifestyle, then you need to end the relationship. Trying to control her and act like you have the right to decide what she does, is not ok.
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