A
female
age
30-35,
*icole.x
writes:So... I need some advice. My boyfriend is very nice looking and it isn't just me that thinks it, other girls also think the same. He talks to a lot of girls who he claims are just his friends he goes about talking to them through phone calls, text messages facebook etc. I went on his Hotmail the other day after having doubts and found that a sixteen year old girl had sent him a video of her fingering herself. I was naturally really shocked about this and so questioned him to begin with her insisted he knew nothing about it however the email had been read. After telling him if he didn't tell me the truth I would never talk to him again he admitted he knew about the video. He said she sent him it for no reason and he had a go at her about it and got the wrong idea. I want to believe him but at the moment I just hurt so much what should I do?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2012): to be honest .. mos guys keep crushs whilst in relationship...waittill you catch him out right and never let your guard down.. itwill alsoput him on edge
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (24 February 2012):
 This guy sounds like he could talk a dog off a meat truck. I'd let this particular salesman go peddle his wares elsewhere. Sixteen year old girls do not need self-esteem building by encouraging them to send masturbating videos. You've got a player on your hands. Sorry.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (24 February 2012):
 Sorry honey, he keep lying and digging a deeper and deeper hole for himself, yet... he's manged to keep you around hasn't he?
This won't be the last time you will have to deal with crap like this from that guy. Though in the future he will be better at hiding it.. Mark my words.
He doesn't think he DID anything wrong. It's everyone else fault. The girl who sent the video, the Internet, blah blah blah..
Good luck.
I hope you come to realize that you DO deserve a better man who loves and respects you.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (24 February 2012):
 Nicole, come on, if you believe this, you also believe that pigs can fly.
On DC we try to reassure and cheer up insecure guys and girls all the time. " Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder, fat girls get boyfriends as anybody else " " So you are short. No big deal, Tom Cruise is short too ". " Freckles ? Freckles are adorable " Etc.etc.
I must say, that so far luckily NONE of these insecure posters has taken my words of encouragement and support as an authorization to send me a PM with pics of their masturbatory activities !
Of course. The girl should be a freaking lunatic to react this way to a friendly compliment !
Or even if he had been openly- but still tastefully - flirting. I still can't see that happening.
" Jane, you've got the most beautiful eyes ever "
" And you ain't seen nothing yet, let me show you my c..t".
Hard to believe. He MUST have provoked, instigated or openly requested her performance.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (24 February 2012):
 Nicole, I know he's trying to convince you that this girl is a nutcase with mental problems, but...... Why did he keep the video? If she's as crazy as that, wouldn't he have turned it off right away, deleted it and blocked her..
How come you found the video and the email? What date did it get sent, how long has he had it? Nicole, how come you had to find it, why wasn't he scared and coming running to you and say "babe I got a problem with a totally crazy girl who has no knickers on"?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2012): "she was feeling low about herself so he tried to cheer her up by saying she wasn't ugly"
Oh I see so Lie 1. the ridiculous "I knew nothing about it" didn't work so he changed to Lies 2 & 3. the less ridiculous but equally as bullshit "we were just having a chat and she got the wrong idea, I thought I deleted it", that didn't work either so he's had to expand upon the lie to make a little bit more believable by changing it to the insecurity story so he in part admits that he did instigate this somehow, but again his story is complete horseshit.
Let's play a little game of roleplay here for a minute OP. I'm a guy who has a girlfriend, you're single, we're casual friends that chat from time to time on facebook.
You feel comfortable enough to tell me you're not feeling very pretty today that you think you're ugly. I know you're fishing for a compliment so I decide to tell you that you're not ugly, that you are in fact very pretty and loads of guys think that too (the standard response in that situation to a casual friend) and the furthest I will go in that circumstance because I'm spoken for. What is your response to me?
Do you:
A. Say: "aww thanks very much, that was nice of you to say."
B. Say: "I don't believe you but thanks anyway."
C. Say: "Ugh, I wish I felt beautiful, others tell me I am too but I don't see it."
or
D. You set up your video camera, pull down your pants and knickers and record yourself wanking. You then upload that video onto your computer, into an email and send it me.
Lies OP, they're the best reason to not trust someone. A person who lies to cover their tracks is bad, a person who lies to cover their ass from a lie that didn't work is someone who can never be trusted.
I think you know the deal here, I think if this was any other guy or anyone you weren't in love with you'd laugh in their face and tell them to piss off with all this ridiculous bullshit.
You have a guy here you can't trust, a guy who is actively fooling around with girls online and probably will/is in real life too.
You know exactly what he would have to do to get a girl to send him a video like that. You, his girlfriend would even take a good bit of time to convince (if that was even possible) to do something even remotely like that.
I think you know the deal here by now, I think you know what would be best for you in this circumstance, now you have to figure out the hard part and find a way of making your head take control and do what's necessary to protect you.
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (24 February 2012):
And there he goes again with the excuses. I'm glad you seem to finally grasping that he's feeding you a bunch of lies, but the fact you posted his follow up excuse here again suggests to me you're not entirely there yet. This remark of his makes the whole thing even less plausible than it already was.
So, okay here we have a girl with low self esteem, who keeps bringing herself down in front of others. She probably dislikes the way she looks, hates her body, feels self conscious in a bikini. A guy tries to be nice and tells her she isn't ugly. And the next thing she does is bare-it-all and masturbate in front of a videocamera? Not only that, but she sends it to him too, a guy she barely even knows! Can you imagine ANYONE doing this? I sure can't.
Look at it from her POV. She is insecure about her body. Her biggest nightmare would be having a video of her naked circling the net for all to see. Not only that, but instead of making a good impression on this guy she fancies --which according to your bf was her goal-- she has effectively destroyed any possibility of being considered as relationship material, by basically everyone in the world. Word travels. She will only be known as the easy, worthless slut.
Your BF is lying. 100%. Everyone else has said as much. Putting up with more crap from him is insulting your own intelligence. If it were me I'd tell him to give me a really good reason why I shouldn't report him to the police for owning underage pornography. Get your back straight here. You deserve better than this. You deserve not to be deceived.
I'm sorry if I sound harsh here but reading your follow ups break my heart a little because it looks to me you are looking for a reason to believe him. If I misread your most recent follow-up, please correct me.
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A
female
reader, Nicole.x +, writes (23 February 2012):
Nicole.x is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks guys, my head knows all these things are true just my heart that needs convincing. I told him I knew some girl would not just send him that video after a general chit chat his responce was that she was feeling low about herself so he tried to cheer her up by saying she wasn't ugly and to stop being silly so she thought he fancied her...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2012): Hmm that's weird, I was 'just talking' to my mother yesterday and she never sent me a video of her masturbating. In fact I bet none of the ladies here nor you have ever thought of doing something like this with a guy who you were just talking to. Seriously an innocent chat has never ended up this way.
OP he's a bare face liar. "I deleted them" that's a lie and it's also an insanely stupid excuse seeing as it means he tried to hide his tracks. "Just talking" Pull the other one dickwod.
Know what I would do if somehow magically in an alternate universe that some girl thought it was okay to send me a masturbation video out of nowhere? I'd tell my girlfriend the minute I saw it. I'd show it to her, then I'd let her see my response which would read: "Um, what the hell do you think you're doing? Consider yourself blocked, deleted and if you send me more child porn (yes this is child porn), I'll report you. Have a nice life."
OP he's trying to cover his own ass with more lies. He'd lied at the start, he's lying to you now. What's so special about this guy that you're seriously confused about this situation? It's very cut and dry. This is not an accidental thing. Check his chat logs, check his outbox and sent messages on his phone, one facebook and you'll see exactly what he said to make her do this because no girl, not even the most intellectually challenged girl is going to send a video of herself masturbating, innocently. I mean come on OP, when have you ever heard of that happening?
OP be sensible here for moment. Think of what it would take for a guy to convince you to send even a naked picture of yourself to him. It would take a hell of a lot more than an innocent chat wouldn't it?
You caught him red handed and he's trying worm his way out of it and making a fool of you.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (23 February 2012):
I sorry, but he is feeding you as much BULLSH!T as he can cram in you and still keep you around.
I think maverick494, hit it on the head with:
"Also, if you were in the girl's shoes and you were trying to attract a guys attention, would the first thing you'd do after having a normal conversation, sending him a pornographic vid of yourself? Let's get real here. Not even a total slut would do this because the risk is too big."
The fact that he apparently doesn't even bother to tell all these chicks he talks to that he is dating is an even bigger red flag.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (23 February 2012):
"Me and Jed spoke and he provided me with the explanation that she didn't know he had a girlfriend and because he was talking to her she got the wrong idea" (Nicole X)
Nicole why didn't he tell her he had a girlfriend?
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (23 February 2012):
Sorry OP, I wouldn't believe it for one bit. Here's why, and I really hope you will put off those pink glasses for once and listen to what your gut is trying to tell you instead of your heart.
- If he had in fact deleted those e-mails you wouldn't have found them.
- Also, if you were in the girl's shoes and you were trying to attract a guys attention, would the first thing you'd do after having a normal conversation, sending him a pornographic vid of yourself? Let's get real here. Not even a total slut would do this because the risk is too big.
So in short, they must have been in contact more intimately and longer than he's telling you. Plus he was probably convincing her to send this to him, because she's super young and naive. She wouldn't do this out of her own initiative. She would only do this if the hot guy she's hunting after is trying to convince her she should.
Look I don't know what else to tell you here. I truly wish I had a more positive message for you, but I don't. For an outsider like me it's quite obvious he isn't being straight with you. If you accept these stupid excuses you really are out of your mind, sorry to say this. Please, please, wake up! Turn it around, change the perspective. See how ludicrous this whole deal is.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (23 February 2012):
They had to be talking sex talk for her to send such a video.
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A
female
reader, Nicole.x +, writes (22 February 2012):
Nicole.x is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you to everyone that has responded. Me and Jed spoke and he provided me with the explanation that she didn't know he had a girlfriend and because he was talking to her she got the wrong idea. He also said that he deleted the emails so doesn't understand how I found them and didn't tell me about it because he was scared it would upset me? Would you guys believe this or am I just being a mug?
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (22 February 2012):
I want to second what Cerberus said. Harsh but true. The fact you felt the need to snoop shows that even through your pink glasses you could see something was off. So not only is he cheating on you, he's a criminal as well because he owns child pornography. Look, just because he's obviously stupid doesn't mean you have to be. End this now before you get really hurt.
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A
female
reader, Dear Mandy +, writes (21 February 2012):
 HI
keeping the email was a wrong move,and as much as everyone is going to jump down my throat here, it could still be a innocent reason as to why he never deleted it....ok he first tried to deny that he'd seen it, because he was caught out and probably ashamed, after all his a man, and most men would have looked ( sorry but true) but could it be the slightest bit possible that when he opened the email and started watching it, you were about to walk in the room, so he quickly turned it off, then through panic he forgot to delete it? I do agree that its shocking, I mean what is the girl thinking at her age! Also this girl could have a mental health problem, and thinks she is being quite normal, or she could like your boyfriend and is trying to split you up, or yes his cheating big time.there are so many reasons. so you really do need to sit him down and find out exactly what happened here. HOWEVER, with the texting and facebooking with all these other women/girls ontop of all this, suggests to me his not being honest with you at all, come to think about it, how DID this 16yr girl have his hotmail address ?? but just sitting there stewing about it is not going to give you answers, hard is this might be, be as calm as possible and sit him down, explain to him the obvious ( which is your not stupid and gullible) and that you deserve the truth, and if hhis not prepared to fess up, then he needs to jog on. but you NEED all the facts first, or you will find it hard to move forward.
Mandy x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2012): OP as everyone said he is now the holder of child pornography and can be done for that.
As for you, I personally think you're being a complete love fool for this guy OP. He's playing around with other girls, he's having girls send videos of themselves masturbating and stuff too. He's playing you for a fool and you're just sitting there letting him, he's getting away with murder.
OP when in the history of mankind has a girl felt it was okay to send a guy something like out of nowhere? It doesn't happen he's obviously either asked her to do it or they've been flirting and messing around behind your back to the point where she thinks that's okay.
If you stay with this guy then you're a total idiot. If you think for one second she sent that for no reason then you're a total idiot. If you think for one second that you're the only girl for him then you're a total idiot.
I think you've let your feelings for this guy get the better of you, you can't believe a word he says, he's too stupid to realize that she sent him child porn, he's getting off with and at other girls and you're just sitting there taking it. He's going to hurt you bad.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (20 February 2012):
In the UK, sexual images of naked children under the age of 18 are illegal. Your boyfriend could easily be done for having child pornography and might risk end up on the sex offenders register.I'd tell him that and ask him again what's going on... if he can't answer you properly, then maybe the police who are trained to ask questions could find out what is going on.Some strange young girl just decides to send him some pornography, not knowing if he'll sell it to some porn site, or send it away to publish it in a magazine that her dad buys, or maybe he sends it to her mum, her school, her friends.... and he never even mentions it...Not even a picture, sorry, but a video, that takes up bandwidth and takes a little while to download. What did he think it was, a picture of this young friend in her school play or getting a good girl award?... If he told her off, where's that email, where's that text.. has he deleted her and blocked her from contacting him again. First he knows nothing about it, then he does, then he's actually watched it and enjoyed it, and then what, after looking and smiling, he goes and tells her "your a naughty girl, now go away and don't bother me no more"..Maybe you should go ask her what the hell she thinks she's doing and tell her what you intend to do with the video. Think that might shake him up a bit and tell you something sensible.PS: Make sure that it's not a shared computer, people who have child pornography could be male or female, you wouldn't like the police asking any questions of you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2012): Well first, a 16 year old girl making a video of "herself" is totally illegal and both her and your boyfriend could be in serious trouble with the law.
Second, the fact that so many girls seem interested in him and at least one of them are sending explicit images to him is a very bad sign. You need to confront him for the truth one more time, if he doesn't give you the truth then he's not worth being with. Your self worth is the most important thing and there will be another man out there who can give you the attention and love that you need. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (20 February 2012):
The fact that he tried to hide is a red flag. It means he rather lie and hope you can't see through it.
A second red flag is that she is 16. I know in the UK that is legal age, but, honestly I don't care where in the world you are 16 is just too young to make that kind of videos and share them. Nasty. And you BF KEPT the video. Why? I assume so he can look at it again and again.. Nasty.
The fact that he has all these girls he talks to on the phone,IM and Facebook can also be somewhat of a red flag, it means he is still looking.
Obviously, you don't trust him for good reason. But In my opinion going through someones email is invasion of privacy. And if you (general you) feel you HAVE to do that to trust them... Are they really worth being with? I mean why anyone would feel that they HAVE to police their partners in order to "prevent" them from cheating or "catch" them if they do, that right there will eventually drive you mad. TRUST me on that I have been there done that and got the craptastic t-shirt.
I honestly would believe a single thing your BF tells you about that girl. If she got the wrong idea and he wanted NOTHING to do with her, he wouldn't have kept the video.
Sorry hun, you got a liar on your hands and his pants are on fire.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2012): Oh my God that is shocking!
How old is your b/f?
Does he know this girl personalty?
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A
female
reader, DanceInTheDark  +, writes (20 February 2012):
 I think it's time to call it quits. You snooped, that's a clear sign you don't trust him.
Honestly i think the fact that it's read, and not deleted says a lot. If he was really pissed about it he would have gotten rid of it. Fast. Especially since even having that video could get him thrown in jail.
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