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*ddie85's profile:

I am just an average "joe" who's done a lot of reading, watching, living and learning.

Professionally I am a computer programmer / software developer living in the western portion of the United States.

I enjoy writing on DearCupid: it gives me a good opportunity to work on my writing skills as well as a way to help others. I believe in being decent to people, especially when you are in a relationship. I also believe one's life is important and valuable and you should take advantage of ALL the opportunities given to you.

I am heavily influenced by Dr Laura Schlessinger ( as I spent a good part of my college years listening to her on the radio. I've also read plenty of Dear Abby articles and other relationship radio programs throughout my life.

I am an avid runner and have completed marathons, half marathons, and other endurance events. I do believe that fitness and exercise are key components for a happy and healthy life.

My advice is free and if I've helped you, please let me know; it really keeps me coming back for more.


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How can I control my feelings about my Bf masturbating, alone, when I'm not there?

Q.   Somebody please tell me what is wrong with me. I cannot cope with my bf masturbating when I'm not here. I am paranoid about it. We only have sexual encounters once a week as it is. Aside from everything else when I know he's done it I get so upse...

A.   20 August 2016: I hate to break it to you: but guys masturbate -- a lot. Even happily married guys or even sexually satisfied men, masturbate. It can help us sleep, feel relaxed or just a way to relieve some tension. Yes, guys think about other women abou... (read in full...)

Should I be feeling so selfish for wanting to leave my husband? For me, the love has faded.

Q.   My husband is a good, hardworking father who loves me and our children. He has also previously been physically and emotionally abusive toward me and on a much lesser scale our daughter. I know I should have left then but I wanted so badly to...

A.   20 August 2016: I am sorry you are going through this. I know I've wrestled with decisions like this too. Your reasons are certainly valid and I think you've thought a lot about the pros and cons -- which is good. Sometimes people jump down the divorce route wa... (read in full...)

My girlfriend doesn't like traditional sex. Is that a red flag?

Q.   Maybe this is a problem a lot of guys would wish to have, but my girlfriend of one year doesn't like traditional sex. She loves to give me oral and when we do have sex she always steers it towards anal sex. I say this jokingly, but feel like I a...

A.   23 July 2016: Everyone has their preferences in bed. And it definitely sounds like your girlfriend isn't into traditional sex (i.e. vaginal sex). Being that you aren't getting turned down for occasional vagina sex, I don't see too much of an issue here. H... (read in full...)

How can I talk to him about these issues? He expects my sons to contribute via chores but does nor expect his teen daughter to do anything

Q.   I'm Engaged!!!!!!!!. I should be excited right? I'm more worried than anything. We have dated a little over a year and are planning to get married May 2017. We both have children from a previous marriage. He has two daughters (21 and !7), I have ...

A.   2 July 2016: It does sound like your boys are getting the raw end of the deal here. Here are some possible things to consider: 1) Your boys live their full time. I do believe that they should have some chores. I know my dad made me work a lot and I wound up... (read in full...)

Breaking up was the right decision so why do I feel bad now?

Q.   I was okay for two weeks when busy traveling for work, but home now and thinking about this man I was seeing for the past four years. It was a difficult relationship and never really knew where I stood with him. If I was being real, I would al...

A.   28 June 2016: Sorry to hear that you are going through this. Sadly, this is par for the course when ending a long-term relationship. And I promise you, it WILL get better -- it just takes time. Love is a drug and while you may know the relationship wasn't g... (read in full...)

Could it be that my husband of 15 years is not into me any more but is reluctant to admit this?

Q.   Could it be that my husband of 15 years is not into me anymore but is reluctant to admit it even to himself? I don't want to make HIS problem into something about me, but it's been going on for a while and after looking for causes and trying a...

A.   24 June 2016: Let's face it -- lust and sexual desire does fade with age and routine. I am sure you aren't as gung-ho about sex as when you first met. It happens to everyone. First off, just because sex has become mundane doesn't mean he is going to find a y... (read in full...)

Beginning to hate this marriage. Is he just trying to control me via money I earn? What should I do?

Q.   Really could do with some help. I've just passed a course so I can teach English to foreign students. My husband is from Poland and wants me to go and live there with him. Five years ago I gave him a few thousand pounds which I never saw again and ...

A.   24 June 2016: Moving is a pretty big change... especially from where you are at to Poland. I don't think money is at the crux of your issue. It is the feeling that you don't have a choice that is making you angry and resentful. You don't feel heard and you ... (read in full...)

We agreed to remain friends but I haven't heard from him!

Q.   A guy i was seeing for 5 months ended things with me a couple of months ago. From my persepctive everything was going well and had been fine between us leading up to him ending things so it really upset me as it was totally unexpected. When he ended ...

A.   23 June 2016: Have you gotten or taken a phone number you had no intention of calling back on? Or said, "hey let's get together sometime" and never had any plans of ever making it happen? My guess is that is exactly what he did to you. Usually when guys bre... (read in full...)

I am really frustrated with my husband inability to handle marriage issues

Q.   I am really frustrated with my husband inability to handle marriage issues. I am not the kind of woman that turns down sex from my man but yet I feel like ever since we married my husband puts in no effort causing me to think he will be tempted to ...

A.   23 June 2016: I am sorry to hear that you are going through this. First off: after having a child everything changes. Your desires, your stress levels and your emotional connection with one another. Maintaining the loving connection takes work, unfortun... (read in full...)

Why does he give gifts to ex's kids but plays the "gift game" with me?

Q.   Hello my bf and I have been together for two years. He's had a close relationship with his ex during this time. Texting, emailing, calling, and seeing her. He's also very close to her daughters. He attends their games, buys them gifts and keeps ...

A.   22 June 2016: Speaking as a stepparent myself -- the bond between your non-biological kids is definitely not as strong as your flesh and blood ones. I am sure he could potentially say the same things about you and your reactions to his children as well. Blend... (read in full...)

How do I tell my husband nicely that due our circumstances its not a good idea to have his kids at our home?

Q.   My husband wants to get his kids (16 boy,13 girl, and 8boy)today but we both work from 6am-6pm M-F. There was no date given when they will be going back home (mothers house), last visit they stayed 3wks. We are having some financial issues right now ...

A.   22 June 2016: Sorry to hear about you are going through this. One diplomatic way to say this without coming out and saying not to have his kids in your house is to ask how "WE" plan to make ends meet with the added expense. This gives the impression that ... (read in full...)

Should I be concerned that my girlfriend had her phone with her in the bathroom?

Q.   My girlfriend had her phone with her in the bathroom today. We were having sex and afterwards, she had to use the bathroom. I waited for her outside the bathroom because I had to go. And I saw she came out with her phone. I did not say anything and ...

A.   10 June 2016: Yes, I think you are over thinking this. Most people bring their phone into the bathroom, especially if they are going to be there a bit. I'll catch up on a news article or play a game while taking care of business. She did have sex with yo... (read in full...)

Why am I still with him? I've lost respect for him.

Q.   I have a problem - I'm too forgetful. During the first two years when my BF and I dated, I didn't really care to know too much about him because it was at a honeymoon, sweet, lovey dovey stage. Now, after two years of being together, I've r...

A.   9 June 2016: I am glad you "woke up" realized your situation. Often times, we go through life with a prospective partner and fail to consider whether they truly compliment us. The reason why you are still with him, is partially out of convenience. He has b... (read in full...)

I still love him, but he wants out. How can I get through this challenge'

Q.   Hello. My husband and I are going to get divorced, he asked for it. We are now completing the legal papers. I was really shocked when he told me that he cant live with me anymore and that I cant give him what he wants... We had a lot of financial...

A.   9 June 2016: I am sorry to hear that you are going through this. Divorce and ending a marriage is often times one of the most difficult things one can endure in life. It sounds like you are still in the grieving process and you still have some hopes in makin... (read in full...)

Our sex life has gone stale! I’m feeling unwanted. Am I being selfish? What do I do?

Q.   My boyfriend and I are both 23 years old, and I feel like our sex life is pretty dead and boring. It sounds horrible to say it but it really bothers me. When we first started dating we couldn't keep our hands off each other now we will have sex...

A.   8 June 2016: Sorry to hear you are going through this. First off, let me clue you in on a not-so-little secret. Guys masturbate. Even those in fulfilling relationships. Yes it can be selfish, being that it appears to be coming at your expense. But guys do ... (read in full...)

How can I break this cycle of abusive or unsatisfactory relationships?

Q.   I have a dilemma the men I have dated or run into have been the cruelest and this has been an ongoing cycle I can't end- I was in a verbally abusive relationship for five years only to end it after I finally woke up from his control. I took some tim...

A.   8 June 2016: Sorry to hear you are going through this. Part of me wants to think what you are experiencing is normal. The dating process is usually fraught with many failed attempts. Each of those failures brings about some lesson learned and a bit of wisdo... (read in full...)

Should I tell her Bf what she is like?

Q.   A female who fancies me wants to have me and isn't happy in her relationship currently with a man she's with. He's not the best looking but he is a nice guy and really loves her, and I feel sorry for him as he does and she doesn't feel the same ...

A.   8 June 2016: Sorry to see that you are going through this. I wouldn't say anything. Here is my reason: 1) You will destroy whatever you have with her (even if you aren't interested). There is nothing worse than a pissed, spiteful and vengeful woman. ... (read in full...)

We have a child yet he won't commit

Q.   Hi everyone I've been with my boyfriend for 4 years now we have a 1 yr old daughter the problem is that as far as our relationship is going to go he wants no more children and marriage he won't even discuss he says he scared I've asked him about ...

A.   4 June 2016: First off, I am sorry to see you in this predicament. His reasons for stalling are actually fairly common: These days, with over 50% of marriages failing, for a man, getting married is a HUGE financial risk. As the (usually) primary bread wi... (read in full...)

I'm not feeling emotionally strong anymore. I keep getting hurt in this relationship. So what can I do?

Q.   my life is a mess. a ' friend' and i decided to be more that just friends i dont see him much at all even tho he only lives 10 miles away . the thing is he always lets people down . the thing that hurt so much is he let me down last minute hes done ...

A.   4 June 2016: I hate to break it to you -- but a FWB is someone you have sex with when it is mutually convenient for the two of you. Generally speaking there isn't supposed to be any emotional connection. It sounds like you want a little more than a FWB and ... (read in full...)

Why do we no longer have sex?

Q.   Im currently in a relationship with my boyfriend and have been for 2 and a half years we have lived together for one. Were both incredibly happy and are very affectionate towards one another. All is going well except for one thing ... sex. In the ...

A.   4 June 2016: I hate to say it, but many couples experience what you are experiencing. I assume at this point you have gotten over the lust-part of your relationship and probably more or less in a maintenance mode. And being that you have been together as long ... (read in full...)

Should I divorce? Not sure. I feel so confused.

Q.   I have been with my husband for 5 years and we have a 2 year old child. I have been having an on and off affair with a coworker for 4 years. In the beginning it was supposed to be something casual but I think through time we both fell in love with ...

A.   3 June 2016: Ultimately, the decision to leave is up to you. No one should make the decision for you. Even if I did say you must (or must not) divorce, I don't think will sway your decision. You are wrestling with some guilt about divorcing. In fact, yo... (read in full...)

Drunken night woke up in bed with former FWB. Do I tell my boyfriend? I don't know what happened!

Q.   Jack is a guy on my course who I used to have a little crush on, basically at the start of the year we slept with each other a few times but then he stopped talking to me and left me a little upset. After this I met a guy called Tom who I really ...

A.   2 June 2016: Sorry to hear you are going through this. I think the first order of business is to figure out what transpired on the night you slept with Jack. Is it possible he date raped you? If you don't remember what happened you either drank WAY too much... (read in full...)

I'm no longer sexually attracted to my husband

Q.   I am no longer sexually attracted to my husband. He does not know this and I don't know if I should break the news to him or keep it to myself. I know the reasons I am no longer attracted. He was unfaithful and I haven't been able to forgive ...

A.   2 June 2016: I am sorry to hear that you are going through this. In the grand scheme of things, 6 months is a fairly short time and it doesn't surprise me that you are having problems coming to grips with this. I also suspect, in reading between the lines, t... (read in full...)

I'm frustrated in a sexless marriage

Q.   I am currently in the most wonderful marriage... Married my best friend and we share a beautiful Family and a very blessed life... Every day I thank my stars that he's In my life and we are enjoying this journey we are on together... So what's the ...

A.   2 June 2016: Sorry to hear you are going through this. Sadly there is no such thing as a perfect relationship. There is always something to work on and something that could be better. So part of the issue is accepting that there are issues and from what I can ... (read in full...)

Should you ever give flaky guys a second chance?

Q.   When I say flake, I don't mean cancelling or calling beforehand to reschedule or calls afterwards to explain the bizarre emergency situation in which he was unable to call. A flake to me , Is someone that makes plans with you. You set the date...

A.   19 April 2016: The first few months of any courtship, usually the suitor is on their best behavior. If one is truly interested in another person, they'll hide their flaws and appear to be perfect -- that is human nature. We all want to be liked. The fact tha... (read in full...)

What can I do? Why does my husband choose to associate with this bad company of friends? I'm feeling uncomfortable with this

Q.   My husband's friends makes me feel uncomfortable. We just hit our 1yr anniversary and it seems throughout it all our major disagreement has been about the company he keeps. Majority of his friends are into fraud and bad business. I have checked...

A.   19 April 2016: So if therapy is out of the question and he won't listen -- what exactly can you expect as far as a solution here? And more importantly, what does this say about the man you married and your relationship with him? I think there is signific... (read in full...)

We've been dating almost 7 months and he wants us to marry and move out of province

Q.   I'm a single mom with two kids, a four year old daughter and six your old son. I've been dating a guy for almost 7 months. He is great with my kids and they adore him. Last night he proposed ! I was not expecting it at all and he even said he knew ...

A.   19 April 2016: This is a decision that you are going to have to make on your own. I've known people who have had successful marriages after only knowing each other for a few months. And I've known people who have dated 7 years, get married and are divorced in ... (read in full...)

What can I do? Why does my husband choose to associate with this bad company of friends? I'm feeling uncomfortable with this

Q.   My husband's friends makes me feel uncomfortable. We just hit our 1yr anniversary and it seems throughout it all our major disagreement has been about the company he keeps. Majority of his friends are into fraud and bad business. I have checked...

A.   19 April 2016: Sorry to hear that you are going through this. There are a couple of things here: 1) Sometimes guys, maybe like your husband, like to hang around with the bad guys because it makes them feel independent. While they may not participate in t... (read in full...)

Would a guy stay with a woman who saves sex for marriage?

Q.   Would guys still be with a girl waiting until marriage to have sex, but she'll do oral every day? And I know guys like to do oral back too, so I'd receive also. I'm not shy about my body, I just want to have sex with someone who will mean something ...

A.   16 April 2016: I do believe there is someone for everyone out there. Unfortunately, the dating process of finding that someone can be painful and frustrating -- especially at your age. Most guys, at your age aren't necessarily looking to settle down and a go... (read in full...)

Threesome gone wrong and I feel so cheated! Help me please...

Q.   I have an issue that I can't get over and I don't know what to do. I have been with my husband for approximately 10 years and he has always been my best friend. We have always joked about a threesome but were never really serious, although secretly ...

A.   16 April 2016: I don't blame you for feeling like you do. From the sounds of it, your husband had a strong connection to this other woman. I've seen a ton of posts in the past about threesomes since writing for DC. And they almost always wind up with the same... (read in full...)

Found out I'm pregnant at 41 after a first date

Q.   Please do not judge me , Im single and stable ,i went on a date with a guy we had a great date and planned to see each other again but he canceled the 2nd date saying he has issues and not ready to date. I have now found out im pregnant ( the condom ...

A.   16 April 2016: Your situation is definitely not ideal. I think you have a few options to sort through first and hopefully I can help organize some potential solutions and ideas for you to dwell on. 1) Have an abortion. This doesn't sound palatable to you... (read in full...)

I'm stuck in a loveless marriage but I have a child and another on the way. What do I do?

Q.   I apologise in advance. Married 8 years.. 4 yr old daughter and currently 27 weeks pregnant.. But it's a loveless emotionless marriage. I feel so lonely and neglected. But when I discuss with husband he gets defensive and puts blame back on me. He ...

A.   14 April 2016: Sorry to hear about this. Having a child, as you well know, is one of the most stressful times in a couple's life. You don't go into specifics about your situation so there could be a lot of things going on. Your husband *could* be right as... (read in full...)

I don't get along with my boyfriend's family and things won't change because they all live in the same building and I have to live there too if we get married

Q.   My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year now,we are talking about marriage,I love him and want to marry him but his family not so much! i have met them so plenty times to know I don't feel as welcoming and get this cold vibe!at ...

A.   14 April 2016: One of the dirty secrets of marriage -- and doubly so in your case -- is that your in-laws are just apart of your happiness as your spouse is. The fact that you are going to be moving in with his parents means that they are going to be part of your ... (read in full...)

What should I ask, when I speak to my Bf, about a stained black dress I found under my Bf's bed?

Q.   I found a black dress with dried up white spots on the front under my boyfriend's bed. I do not live with my BF. I was in his apartment tidying it up for him. Now I wonder if he cheated? First I would like to know, does semen dry white when ...

A.   14 April 2016: This is always a dicey situation and my guess is that yes, it is semen on a dress. Generally semen will look that way. What the big question is, where did it come from? Maybe your boyfriend likes to cross dress? Perhaps it is somethi... (read in full...)

I am scared to leave him. What do I need to consider?

Q.   I'm scared to leave my husband...I know it's the right thing to do but I just don't know what will happen. I'm scared of the outcome. He's in the army to we live far away from anyone. I've got nowhere to go I have my 6 year old who has had to move ...

A.   4 April 2016: I am sorry to hear about this. I think first off you should talk to an attorney to figure out what your rights are and what sort of help you can get. Most offer initial consultations for free. I am not sure what the laws are in your country ... (read in full...)

I feel he lies about certain things! Any advice?

Q.   Hello, I've been with my boyfriend for two years he's been seperated for 4 yrs and is getting a divorce. He's very affectionate and kind, I believe we could have a future together except I feel he lies about certain things. I live about 1.5 h...

A.   4 April 2016: Something clearly isn't right here and I think you know about that. These aren't simply white lies, these are bald-faced, alternative reality type of lies. The fact that he lives 90 minutes away means to me he could have an entirely differen... (read in full...)

Men, can you get past imperfections?

Q.   I'm trying to not feel sorry for myself in this question but I'm having problems with my self esteem and I don't know what to do. I was taking a bath earlier and my boyfriend came in to the bathroom and he saw everything. I don't really like my s...

A.   4 April 2016: This is strange. I am sure he's seen your stomach before -- especially if you've been together for 3 years. I doubt there is anything new here that he hasn't seen before. There could be a few reasons why he wasn't ready for sex: 1) Perhaps he... (read in full...)

Every relationship I've been in, every person I've ever dated, has always left me for someone else!

Q.   I feel like I've been finally worn down by constant romantic rejection and heartache. Every relationship I've been in, every person I've ever dated, has always left me for someone else. My ex with whom I was with for years, left me for someone e...

A.   4 April 2016: I am sorry to see you going through this. Unfortunately this is the dating process. We date someone and sometimes it works out -- and other times it doesn't. And when it doesn't, many times, the person we are involved with moves on to someone ... (read in full...)

I think the love has faded and that he does not find me attractive any more. Plus there are issues of him looking at women. That should I do about all this?

Q.   Hi guys.. I've just come back from a weekend break with my bf of 2 years but it's the first time I've felt completely broke at the thought that maybe our love has faded. We have been arguing alot recently about things such as his need for checking...

A.   4 April 2016: Sorry to hear that you are going through this. Around this stage in one's relationship you really start to get a real sense of whether you are meant to be -- or not. The fact that he appears not to be sexually into you and is looking for othe... (read in full...)

Why do some guys lie about losing their virginity?

Q.   My boyfriend and I have been together six months. Last week we talked about having sex for the first time. I asked would I be his first and he didn't answer, he just retorted by asking would he be mine. I said no, I was not a virgin. He then began ...

A.   4 April 2016: Well for most guys, it is an ego things. One on side of the equation we don't want to appear totally inept and on the other side, most guys probably don't want to admit how many women they have slept around with in fear that you'll reject them for ... (read in full...)

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