A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Please do not judge me , Im single and stable ,i went on a date with a guy we had a great date and planned to see each other again but he canceled the 2nd date saying he has issues and not ready to date. I have now found out im pregnant ( the condom must have split ) the thing is i cant get hold of him his number is disconnected and i cant find him on facebook . Im quite concerned how my family will take the news as im not one to be so 'reckless'. I dont want an abortion and i feel this is my last chance to having a child , it was not my intention to have a child this way i wanted to be in a stable relationship .i know im not young but i still dont want to disappoint my parents plus i dont know what to do about finding the guy i slept with , what can i do ? thanks in advance
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2016): Grab your chance of a new beginning, the truth is, if he wants to be found he will be,if he wants to be with you he will be, don't force or chase somebody who say's they are not ready...You are! and that is all that matters at this stage.
If he want's to be a dad, he will be. Time is of the essence here, plan for you and baby and let no one talk you out of motherhood because of age and been single, If you can bring your child 'love' then do it. I am quite excited for you, a little surprise gift is coming your way.
To wait until you were settled down is a little risky if you wanted children. Stability comes from good love the rest is secondary. Family will accept their new family arrival when they are here and who knows pop's might be back on the scene.
Start building now and let nature take it's natural course, you have been given a gift, nature/destiny/call it what ever you please, does not make mistakes.
Happy day's :)
A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (16 April 2016):
 Maybe he knew it broke and thats why he's dropped off the face of the Earth? Sounds a bit crazy, but who knows! Look ,thats a bum deal if you are wanting a family complete while white picket fence but if you are willing, wanting and able then congratulations. Plenty of women have babies using sperm donors so I cant really see how this is much different. At least you know what your baby might look like.
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A
male
reader, Been there Now over it  +, writes (16 April 2016):
I can't tell you how to find this guy but in all likelihood he probably won't be of any help to you or your child. A guy who tells you he has "issues" and whose phone is disconnected sounds like a total loser, especially if he's around your age or older.
As noted, you have options and need to make choices but you should proceed with them under the assumption that the father is going to be of no help at all.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (16 April 2016):
 Your situation is definitely not ideal.
I think you have a few options to sort through first and hopefully I can help organize some potential solutions and ideas for you to dwell on.
1) Have an abortion. This doesn't sound palatable to you and I am not sure what your laws and religious beliefs are. But it is an option.
2) Have the child and give the child up for adoption. Most women really struggle with this however and I am not sure if you are capable of doing this.
3) Have the child on your own and forgo attempting to find the father. This has its benefits. You get to raise the child on your own. The downside is that your child will never know its father and will not have a father figure in its life. Financially you will be on your own as well.
4) Have the child and continue to look for the father. It doesn't sound like the father is interested in you and therefore unlikely to be a happy father. You will have to deal with child support, co-parenting, and primary custody issues. You will need a lawyer to sort this out as well. Also the next 18 years of your life could be all about fighting with the guy you had a one night stand with.
Also, I would schedule an appointment with your doctor. Your doctor can help advise you on whether you are likely to have a health baby and what the risks are at your age. Keep in mind that women over the age of 40 are more likely to have children with serious birth defects. Also, and most importantly, you should be screened for STDs. In short, you could've been exposed to any sort of disease, which could harm the child, and the sooner you seek treatment, the better your chances.
Unfortunately, there isn't an easy answer here and it would be unconscionable for anyone to make the decision for you. You have a lot of sorting out and thinking about what is best for you and the child. No one here knows or understands your circumstances or what you will face. However, from the looks of it, if you choose to raise it, you'll be a solo parent, which will impact your future dating life, your finances, your career, and your social life.
Eddie
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2016): Would it not have been ideal for you to wait to have sex with the ideal guy for you? Instead of giving it up on the first date with a virtual stranger, getting pregnant by him and the result? Having to take the hard road for yourself as a single parent and your child growing up without a stable family and not knowing his/her father?I am not judging but it was bad judgment on your part. I guess I just do not understand your way of thinking or your choices.Pregnancy and raising a child is difficult enough. Being a single parent is going to be very challenging even with family around.Take it from me. I have been a single parent for many years. BUT the difference is I was married to the father for a long time and our marriage did not work out in the long run. But I cannot imagine starting off that way, behind the eight ball from the get go.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2016): IF you feel this is your “last chance” to having a child, then focus your positive energy on having a healthy baby. I can only think what this guy is going to think, if you ever find him… Entrapment comes to mind for this scenario!
And as much as he has a right to know of his half of this great date creation, I’m sure he’ll just embrace the idea of fatherhood after a one date stand and disconnect you permanently.
I think you got exactly what you wanted and should financially support your child yourself. Plus by finding him, isn’t going to make things stable for baby especially when he’s already stated; he has issues!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (15 April 2016):
 First off, IF you are happy to be pregnant, I wish you the best. It may not be an ideal situation, but you CAN make the best of it. Family might not entirely understand or approve, but... once the baby is there? They won't care. They will hopefully just love and support you.
I would regard him as a sperm donor, no more.
I don't know how easy it is to do online background-checks in the UK, but that is what I would look into.
I DO think he has a right to know he impregnated you.
However, and that may just be me, I think it's a tad unreasonable to think he wants ANY part of raising the child. So I'd BE 100% clear on taking care of the baby by myself.
I actually have a friend who had a baby via a "donation" from a spermbank, and while she DOES find it a little hard to explain to the child that her dad is "unknown" she was also so ecstatic to have a child, and she simply wasn't ready to go through another long term relationship where the guy ended up NOT wanting the responsibility of fatherhood nor marriage.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (15 April 2016):
 You can always try giving his name and old phone number to the police in order to track him down. Just because his number is disconnected, doesn't mean it's not got his address or name registered to it.
How did you meet this man? Can you find him through the place you met?
Have you been to your doctor yet and checked that everything is fine and how far along you are? You have not had sex with anyone else that could possibly be the father?
Here's what you do, you write his name down as the fathers name, and then you send the courts after him. Whenever he then tries to register for a credit card, or take up a loan, or buy a car etc, it will pop up.
You can also try talking to a lawyer or any other consultation service that might know how to handle a situation like this. I am sure you are not the first woman in this situation.
And, congratulations on your pregnancy, and best of luck!
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (15 April 2016):
No need to judge...But lots of reasons to be happy and thankful. :)
This is the reason you need to be happy, like crazy happy, and forget the guy, and how your parents are going to feel....You are pregnant...NOT a new victim of some dreaded disease. This could have had very different results.
So now...Seriously...forget the guy. As "Like I See it" said, "If you want to raise the baby and are financially able to do so, that's all that matters - and congratulations on your pregnancy! "
You said you do not want to be a disappointment to your parents...easy...become a better parent than even they were. Take all the good things from them, and make it even better for you and your child.
This maybe a blessing more than a mistake. :)
Good Luck :)
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A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (15 April 2016):
 If you want to raise the baby and are financially able to do so, that's all that matters - and congratulations on your pregnancy! Your family may be surprised by the news but chances are they will come around eventually. I think your best course of action is to be honest with them and understand that the news may initially be a bit of a shock to them as it was for you. At 41 you are well into adulthood and totally capable of making your own decisions about this. Your family will know that, and the backlash, if any, may be a lot less than what you seem to be expecting.
What you should NOT plan on is any support from the father, even assuming you are able to find him. The fact he disconnected his number after canceling on you suggests he is intentionally trying to avoid any further contact - and this BEFORE he is even aware that you two now have an unplanned baby on the way. Should you manage to contact him, be prepared for him to try and pressure you into an abortion - and to 'ghost' you again when you refuse.
Your focus now should be on having a healthy pregnancy (time to go see your doctor if you haven't already done so) and the rest will sort itself out. Your doctor's office may also be able to connect you to resources for single parents.
Hope this helps. Good luck and best wishes!
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