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... Send *rPsych a private message | | | *rPsych's profile:Hello, I am a 39 year old psychologist from Witney, UK. I am married with one little boy, and I work part-time. I have been answering questions on DearCupid for a couple of years as I think it is an important resource. |
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My wife won't learn how to cook properly. Does she not love me enough?
Q. I used to scoff at the adage that the way to a man's heart is through stomach but my wife is making me to do a re-think. We've been married now for over 10 years and have three lovely children. My wife has been a good wife and mother. I have a very ...
A. 27 August 2006: I don't get it - you have a lovely wife and children, a good career and she works too...sounds like you got the package there, and if the only thing you have to complain about is her lumpy gravy then it isnt a great deal is it? You shouldnt see her ... (read in full...)
think I'm addicted to chatrooms as my wife caught me texting other women. What should I do?
Q. Im a 23 year old male who has been married 2 months now and I got caught texting and calling a few girls I met online. What should I do? I would never physically cheat on her but I believe I was addicted to online chat and text messages. Ive never ...
A. 27 August 2006: Your marriage is in deep trouble if you would prefer to spend hours in front of the computer corresponding with random women, rather than having a conversation with your wife. Although you don't consider it cheating, your wife may well think of this ... (read in full...)
USed to be pretty..but have gotten overweight. I am so lonely and miserable. Please help me!
Q. I'm 36 years old, working as a postDoc in a worldwide famous university. I used to be very pretty, or so they told me, but I've put on a lot of weight in the last couple of years. I've been finding comfort in food, trying to forget how lonely and ...
A. 26 August 2006: I am a postdoc too and it is easy to gain weight if you are doing a sedentary job and long hours. I am about your age and I cannot say I like the idea of getting old! I put on a lot of weight while doing my phd as I was ill with metabolic problems ... (read in full...)
Since we have lived together we argue, and its stressing mum out!
Q. I feel really stuck at the moment. Im with my boyfriend who ive been living with for the last 5 months or so. We have never stopped arguing since that point and i know we need space to clear the atmosphere and have time doing things apart, bu...
A. 25 August 2006: You cannot conduct a healthy relationship at your Mum's. However, you need money to live somewhere else...so...you both need to be working. Perhaps you can help him to find a job by looking out in the papers or on the net for a suitable post. If he ... (read in full...)
I broke up with my married man, he said we have to stop as so far divorce isnt an option...
Q. i'm in a very bad condition. I broke up with a person who is married and has a child,he was telling that he loves me and and he will get a divorce, but after he was talking with his relatives,because he doesn't have parents, he said to me that we h...
A. 22 August 2006: Like so many posts on this board, it all comes down to self respect and having the self confidence to walk away from a bad situation. Dating a married guy IS a bad situation - why settle for someone else's man? Why be worried about being ... (read in full...)
Boyfriends oral on me left him tasting of beer! Harmful or just grose?
Q. Sorry this is pretty gross but I have thrush but my bf gave me oral sex anyway. I kissed him afterwards and ended up with a yeast taste in my mouth like beer. When I realised that this taste was the thrush discharge I began feeling ill, and have ...
A. 22 August 2006: You can pass thrush from your bits to your mouth - oral thrush is not nice as your face swells a bit and your mouth can get a bit nasty inside. It is not always the case that thrush is transferred this way but it is a risk - get some medical ... (read in full...)
Together 5 years, been split for 8 months but we still have sex!
Q. My ex and I have been split up now for about 8 months. We were together for five years and have known each other for 9 years. It was a pretty bad break up. He called one day, and of course I asked how high when he told me to jump. I'm having a ...
A. 22 August 2006: You cannot be 'friends' with him because you had a romantic relationship with him for many years. There needs to be distance between you and him because you still have emotional feelings for him and haven't moved on. Having sex is a bit of a ... (read in full...)
We are both in a relationship but I really like this other guy - does he like me too?
Q. I've always felt as though there is something between me and this man. I can read his body language towards me and I'm pretty sure he can read mine. But, I just need some kind of confirmation or someone to say I'm getting it all wrong. Whenever ...
A. 22 August 2006: Maybe he fancies you...it certainly seems that way from what you write about body language etc. However, there are a couple of things you need to think about. Firstly, this is a guy from work (...well maybe from the 'boss' remark) and you should ... (read in full...)
When is a good time, if at all, I should bring up my sexually absused past to my future partners?
Q. When you're in an intimate relationship, when is an appropriate time to mention being sexually abused? When I was 13, my stepdad basically assaulted me on 3 occasions. I finally told my mom, she kicked him out, life was hell for a few years, but I...
A. 22 August 2006: When you are in an intimate relationship then you ought to bring up your past when you feel comfortable to do so, there is no prescribed time frame for this sort of thing. However, if you are in a relationship where you don't feel able to discuss ... (read in full...)
He drinks more now, how can I gat him to understand?
Q. my boyfriend of 14 years has hardly ever come straight home after work he usually goes to the bar, he never even really communicated with me. he now drinks more and if it's possible talks less with me now. accusing me of having affairs. he stat...
A. 22 August 2006: You may think he is your 'boyfriend' but he doesn't treat you like his 'girlfriend'. Alcoholics are great at bottling things up and terrible at open communication - if he prefers the beer over the bar to the warm comforts of home then something is ... (read in full...)
My four year old cries and whinges... Why?
Q. please help!!!! i am 23 and a single mum to my 4 yr old daughter, from a young age she has been a whinger and cries over the smallest thing and i dont mean because she cant have her own way or because she is tired, it is over anything you can thin...
A. 19 August 2006: She is coming to an age where she will respond very well to the 'naughty chair' and star chart methods. She knows that you are giving her attention (albeit negative) when she cries and perhaps she doesn't get so much attention when she is good (all ... (read in full...)
I'm a single mom and out of ideas...
Q. I am a single mum with 12 and 10 year old sons. I work and on WTC. My ex won't pay the maintenance so I fight constantly with the CSA, he has seen the kids twice in 7 yrs. I get very little support from my family. I am bored, lonely, skint, ...
A. 19 August 2006: You are not sad...you got some great kids (albeit probably driving you crackers in the summer holidays with all this rain!). The UK is not a single parent friendly country but you have to work with what you got. All kids demand Nike trainers and the ... (read in full...)
Currently unemployed, how do I decide what to do next?
Q. hi iam 21 and am currently unemployed after being in a company for 3 years that was a dead end job and iam really unsure as to what i want to do....i know the things iam good at but dont know how to put them into something that i will enjoy doing ...
A. 19 August 2006: Go and see a careers advisor - do a google search for your local careers advice office or ask at a job centre. If you are in the UK, you can do an apprenticeship up until the age of 24. Or maybe go back to college and get some training? You may ... (read in full...)
How do I become a proof reader?
Q. I have decided more than anything I want to be a proof reader but I'm not sure of the best way to go about training or if there is much call out there for proof readers these days.I feel that this is what I'm meant to do and I am hoping that someone ...
A. 19 August 2006: Many companies advertise in newspapers offering proof-reading courses but I don't think the certificates have any real credibility - if you are looking for a training course then try to find one that is accredited by a University or College. I don't ... (read in full...)
When it's good it's great, but we can't seem to stop having misunderstands
Q. i don't know wats wrong with me and my bf.. every second time we meet things go wrong.. we'll have a misunderstanding or sumthing. but then when things are good they are very nice. i really care about this guy but i don't know what to do. ...
A. 19 August 2006: If it is not working out...then it is not working out. Try to be yourself as there is no point trying to please him all the time to prevent arguments. Long term relationships are based on mutual tolerance and accepting each others 'bad days'. If you ... (read in full...)
If I turn up at a bar alone, will I be sending out the wrong message?
Q. I am newly single and am in my forties. I am not ready for another relationship and want to have fun for a bit. I would like the hit the bars but have no one to go with. Must of my friends are married and are in relationships. Do guys draw ...
A. 19 August 2006: I think it is ok for a woman in 2006 to go and sit in a bar alone. But you may not be approached because it maybe perceived that you are waiting for someone. I also think you have to be careful about your choice of venue - you just need to check out ... (read in full...)
How do you know when your crush is mutual ?
Q. How do you find out if the crush you have on someone, is mutual? The man I adore has stopped by to visit a few times already for an hour, we talk (by learning about eachother) and just before he exits his visit he gestures a snug hug and this las...
A. 19 August 2006: Look, the guy obviously likes you if he spending hours in your company...and all this cuddly wuddly stuff is his way of telling you that...next time he calls around, get flirting and see where that takes you...he will probably love the attention!... (read in full...)
Wanting to ask him out but I'm scared of what he'll say!!
Q. I really like this guy and we are kinda friends but i wan to ask him out but im really scared because lets just say im not the prettiest girl in the world and i think he'll say no and then we wont be friends any more. What should i do ????...
A. 19 August 2006: There are two things you need to do before you start asking boys out. Firstly, you need to work on that self esteem - you may think you are not pretty but by what standards? Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and all that...there are lots of guys ... (read in full...)
Should you stay with someone that is totally selfish and doesnt respect your needs or wants ?
Q. My boyfriend was a very spoilt boy so got everything he wanted in life. In turn i found him to be very selfish and even in bed was only interested in himself. No matter what was said his selfish streak domineered and he got his own way - a bit of ...
A. 19 August 2006: Errrr...no, it sounds like you have already made your mind about him though. Surely relationships are supposed to be fun and enjoyable - if he isn't accommodating to your needs in the bedroom then he is a lousy lover and he doesn't sound like ... (read in full...)
I'm out of my mind with worry... Could swallowing have gotten me pregnant?
Q. I feel a bit stupid for asking this question..but here goes. Is there any possible way that you can get pregnant from swallowing a man's semen when he ejaculates? I've given my boyfriend a blowjob a few times and swallowed everytime. I'm o...
A. 19 August 2006: There is absolutely no risk of pregnancy from oral sex - not even semen can withstand the hydrochloric acid that is in your stomach to breakdown food. Conception requires sperm to meet one of your eggs which are released from your ovaries each month ... (read in full...)
Is 18 considered late to still be a virgin ?
Q. I'm 18 never had a proper girlfriend and never had a proper kiss with any girl and obviously never had sex. I'm getting fed up of all this pressure to have sex (there was this thing on BBC Radio 1 about sex) and it just brought back all this pre...
A. 15 August 2006: 18 is not late to lose your virginity - I saw this survey on the bbc website (radio 1 survey) saying that one third of people lose their virginity before the age of consent of 16...hmm says who, the teens who were polled and felt obliged to give ... (read in full...)
How much of an age gap is too much ?
Q. What are the age gaps between you and your partners? And at what stage do you think a age gap is too much? Thanks! x...
A. 15 August 2006: There is a decade between me and my husband (I am older) and it doesn't present a problem to us! I think as long as both are adults and happy together then any age-gap is ok.... (read in full...)
My mum had 2 stillborn's, shes pregnant again and Im really really scared!!! Please help...
Q. dear cupid, i have just turned 17 years old and i have a brother(stephen) and a sister(skye) but they both died through still birth, my brother died 18 years ago through placental abruption. my sister died last year but she died the day she...
A. 15 August 2006: You have to try to remain calm for your Mum - it is important she isn't stressed in late pregnancy. My niece died at birth three years ago and it was a devastating loss for the whole family. It was very similar circumstances to what has happened in ... (read in full...)
Worried about my exam results
Q. I recieve my GCSE results later this month however, I'm quite worried incase I've failed. I am in top groups for everything at school and even went for some GCSE's early last year. I just scared incase I let people down and dont do aswell as they ...
A. 14 August 2006: No one fails GCSE's, it is quite hard to fail...no really...You are clearly academically able so stop stressing. Everyone worries about their exams - wait until you are doing your degree finals...then you will understand the word 'nervous breakdown' ... (read in full...)
Rebound fling after marriage break up
Q. I am recently out of a long term marriage....things seem to be resolving themselves and my ex and I are both moving on. I recently joined an online dating service and have been out on a few dates which has been fun. If I am being honest I guess what ...
A. 14 August 2006: You seem to know what you want and don't have any great expectations so it shouldn't be a problem. As for personal safety - I think you need to take a friend when you meet him at first and don't go anywhere secluded with him until you are sure he is ... (read in full...)
I love my boyfriend but fancy his brother
Q. Hi, my boyfriend and i have been dating for 11 months now, and only about 2 months ago i met his family. I'm perfectaly comfortable around them all now. He has 2 brothers. One of which, i've started to develop feelings for. Although i'm in love with ...
A. 14 August 2006: OOoooh not a good situation to be in, but one you can sort of control on if you slam the breaks down on those straying thoughts right now. I don't think you should tell your boyfriend or his brother how you feel - imagine how you would feel if he ... (read in full...)
He likes to push the boundaries, but this ends up in rows me hurting, we are both exhausted by this what can we do ?
Q. My boyfriend loves me very much but has a habit of pushing the boundaries when it comes to sex. He sometimes says hurtful things or asks me to do things that I am not happy with. He has problems with his performance and has to take medication ...
A. 14 August 2006: You are not hormonal - it is normal to have ups and downs in relationships. He sounds incredibly manipulative and you have to remember he is flawed - he has failed at one marriage already...not so perfect eh? He probably does feel insecure about his ... (read in full...)
He cheated but I was sure it would work, we went out it was great, now hes getting with someone else!
Q. i have been on and off with this guy for a year and a half and yes he has cheated etc but i still think we could work through it and make a good relationship,so i met him the other day and we had such a good night together we were both so happy,so ...
A. 14 August 2006: Sure, he is a nasty creep...but you don't have any control over him or what he does or have to know why he acts this way - you have plenty of control over what you do however and how you feel about this. He has cheated on you already so it is hardly ... (read in full...)
I'm 13 yrs old and smoke , how much harm is this doing to me?
Q. i have smoked 6 or 7 cigerettes 3 in 1 go kinda 1 after another n then the n 3 or 4 after it seperate ..im only 13 and i wanna know how much harm i have caused to myself please be persific ...
A. 14 August 2006: I worked on a smoking cessation project a couple of years ago for the NHS and the nurses tell me that smokers coming to the cessation clinics are younger and younger. You probably already know the long term risks like cancer and respiratory ... (read in full...)
She is 13...what to do!
Q. Hi, I need some advise! I'm a 21 year old lad who has fallen in love with a 13 year old girl (14 in December) and not know what to do? I love her more than anything in the world and have never felt this way before, I can’t stop thinking about her ...
A. 14 August 2006: You say, "How on earth do I tell her without sounding sad???"...you cannot tell her how you feel, it is inappropriate, unnatural and down-right wrong. You don't 'love' her but have a crush on a young girl - you cannot burden this poor girl with your ... (read in full...)
How effective is the pill?
Q. Hi guys Just wondering does anyone know how effective the pill is. I've just gone on it and me and my b/f are consdiering having sex without a condom, just wondering if this is safe? I know neither of us has an STD so thats not an issue but pregnanc...
A. 14 August 2006: The contraceptive pill is one of the most reliable forms of female contraceptive available but only if used carefully. There is a chance of pregnancy with every method - I have known of one lady I worked with a while ago who was 4 months pregnant ... (read in full...)
She blames me over the pregnancy
Q. My fiance and I have been together for 3.5 years and for the 1st time in her life she is pregnant, weve had our ups and downs but we have a good relationship, anyway we talked about having a child awhile back and decided no. She went off the pill ...
A. 13 August 2006: Having an abortion is never an easy decision and she probably feels under pressure right now - she needs counselling to make a decision about this. She is just a bit scared and lashing out at the nearest target...which is you. It is easier to blame ... (read in full...)
Confused about my ex as we are fooling around
Q. The GF that broke up with me 3 weeks ago (it's me not you...), with who I am still friends, called me up at 1am Friday (after a week of no contact outside of a few perfunctory text messages), totally smashed, telling me she needs a ride home. I'm ...
A. 13 August 2006: It doesn't make you 'mad' but it is not always possible to move forward and forget about your past relationship when she is right there on the door step, as you keep asking questions like 'Am I still in her head?' and that leads to a second question ... (read in full...)
Confused about my ex as we are fooling around
Q. The GF that broke up with me 3 weeks ago (it's me not you...), with who I am still friends, called me up at 1am Friday (after a week of no contact outside of a few perfunctory text messages), totally smashed, telling me she needs a ride home. I'm ...
A. 13 August 2006: I don't think it matters what she thinks of you really. This is more about what sort of standards you set in your own life. It is ok to care about someone, but don't go running after this girl every time she snaps her fingers or she will do the ... (read in full...)
Should I meet the MSN guy I've been chatting to?
Q. Hi, I have been talking to this guy for a few months now on msn and now he wants to meet. I have seen a picture of him and him of me on msn but I'm not sure. My friend says if I want to meet him she would go with me. What should I do??...
A. 13 August 2006: You think you have seen a picture of him...it may not be a picture of him at all or it could be a very good photo! Meet him with caution in a public place as the others say here. But just because he appears to be mr nice guy on your first date be ... (read in full...)
My abusive ex husband treats his new gf very lovingly--did he change and I do the right thing, by leaving him?
Q. My husband and I have been separated for almost 4 years - it was an abusive relationship. Now he is with someone else who is at least 10 years older than him. He is so calm and loving and is even thinking about marrying her - by the way, they are ...
A. 13 August 2006: Of course you don't want to go back there - you have been a brave woman and left an abusive situation, not just for you but also for your kids. Remember that kids brought up in abusive households go up to expect no better in their own adult lives. ... (read in full...)
Should my abuser get away with it?
Q. Hey guys I would like to bring the man who raped and abused me 11 years ago to justice. This is the problem I found out through counselling that I was abused as a child after careful thought I have decided to bring my rapist to justice is that ...
A. 12 August 2006: I have worked with many young people in the same sort of situation as yourself, and I have also worked with the police as they investigate and attempt prosecution of perpetrators of child abuse/ domestic violence. You are not in an uncommon ... (read in full...)
Meeting the parents...
Q. im in need of urgent help! my boyfriend of nearly a year has a family occassion coming up in a few weeks, iv never met his parents, iv only met the family member who's wedding it is. i dont know if im invited as its not been mentioned so i d...
A. 12 August 2006: I know you feel excluded right now, and you are right to be concerned but just hold back for now. There maybe two dozen innocent explanations for his secretive behaviour - it doesn't mean he is ashamed of you or anything like that. He could have ... (read in full...)
I lost my virginity and it hurt!
Q. hi im 16 reciantly lost my virginity to my boyfriend.it really hurt but i kept a strong face!we are thinking of doing it again but i cant go through that pain again!! pleae help and tell me if it hurts as much as the first time.because if it does i ...
A. 12 August 2006: It often hurts the first time because you break the hymen (skin inside the vagina). It shouldnt always hurt though - use lubrication, take your time and try to relax...if you are tense about it then that can sometimes make it hurt. If it continues ... (read in full...)
Domestic violence problems at home
Q. Just a week ago my husband and I were looking forward to our wedding anniversary, we had gone out to the town for a few drinks although he consumed copious amounts of the stuff. We were still in a good frame of mind when we returned home, my ...
A. 12 August 2006: He had too much to drink and over-reacted to his daughter as he was emotionally hurt by her swearing at him. I am not saying that is an excuse for violence but it doesn't sound like he has been abusive to either of you in the past. Your daughter ... (read in full...)
I don't want to meet my online man (yet)
Q. Dear cupid my problem is that i was going out with this lad i met on the net but we had never met, then last sunday we spilt up because he didn't understand whjy i was nervous about meeting him now i have a new internet boy friend but im not as ...
A. 12 August 2006: These aren't real relationships as you haven't met any of them in person or dated in the real world. The internet has this nasty way of deceiving you into thinking you know people from the net when you don't really - you only know what they want you ... (read in full...)
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