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*allenman agony aunt


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I have 14 years of counsellor training & practice, I also have had 6 years of personal counselling and I am supervised by a senior counsellor in my organsation.

I live on the south coast of the UK and I practice counselling part time along with my part time self-employment. I have a desire to help others where possible, to resolve pain and suffering that are the key drivers for depression and suicide.

I am married and have two teenage children.

12Next > [2 pages, 58 answers]

I'm sticking with it for now to avoid being on my own, what shall I do?

Q.   Help! My partner and I have been together for nearly 5 years. We used to have a good time together but over the last 6 months my feelings have changed and we've really drifted apart. I have a son who's 11 from my previous marriage and he has two ...

A.   27 February 2007: What you may be coming out of is rebound symptoms, i.e meeting him so soon after your marriage ended. The way you are now feeling and thinking is quite normal, which it is recommended to not go into a relationship straight after a marriage... (read in full...)

How much more should I give and take?

Q.   How much more should I give and take? Based on mistakes in past relationships i've made myself a very open and honest person. I have learned that keeping things inside and not openly communicating in a relationship can make it rot from the ins...

A.   27 February 2007: Can i suggest that in a relationship like yours that you only get to see glimpses of her life and snap shots of your and her attitude towards a relationship. I would ask her if she feels if you have been too demanding of her attention and is t... (read in full...)

My boyfriend isn't opening up to me, I'm telling HIM everything about me and he keeps quiet about himself. How can I get him to open up more?

Q.   My boyfriend of two years is having a hard time opening up to me. I feel like I'm telling him to much about my personal life and he's not telling me much of anything just things that he fells comfortable discussing with me. With that being said ...

A.   26 February 2007: Men and intimacy! I would start be looking at how well he gets on with his mother and any other female members of his family. Another thing to consider if he is not an only child is where in his sibling pecking order he is. i.e. oldest chil... (read in full...)

It hurts my feelings that he ogles big busted women! Should I just move on?

Q.   My present lover and I have been together for over a year and a half. We get along petty good, until it comes to sex. Soon after we first got together, I found he had been viewing bare chested woman with big breasts on the internet when I was not ...

A.   26 February 2007: His behavior indicates that his sexual fantasies are strong in his conscious mind and that it hots up his sexual desires. Now this may or may not indicate a lack of commitment or fidelity. In general what men love and what men desire or not allo... (read in full...)

It hurts my feelings that he ogles big busted women! Should I just move on?

Q.   My present lover and I have been together for over a year and a half. We get along petty good, until it comes to sex. Soon after we first got together, I found he had been viewing bare chested woman with big breasts on the internet when I was not ...

A.   26 February 2007: His behavior indicates that his sexual fantasies are strong in his conscious mind and that it hots up his sexual desires. Now this may or may not indicate a lack of commitment or fidelity. In general what men love and what men desire or not allo... (read in full...)

How can I tell my parents I want to be a pornography actress without them blowing a fuse?

Q.   i no this sounds weird but i would love to become a pornography actress and im choosing my opitions as i type this but i dont no how to tell my mum and dad with out them putting me in a bording school or in a high up castle with a dragon for a ...

A.   25 February 2007: Most porn even soft porn leaves horrific psychological scares that will stay with you all your life. It is a painful disgusting and degrading job. If you have got your ideas from pron mags then understand that they do not project real life, th... (read in full...)

I think im driving myself mad with jealousy. Ive been with my boyfriend for a year and a half and i just cant trust him at all.

Q.   Really need some advice. I think im driving myself mad with jealousy. Ive been with my boyfriend for a year and a half and i just cant trust him at all. he's a bit of a closed book and something just isnt right with him. Sometimes i wonder do i ...

A.   25 February 2007: One way to find out if it's you and your mind is to do a reality check. 1) What external evidence to you have to back up your distrust? 2) Think how you would react if he behaved the way you do 3) Ask yourself why do you react to cheating... (read in full...)

She claims to like me but is still hung up on her ex bf! Advice, please?

Q.   Well, to save everyone from a life story, I'll do my best to summarize the important points. Basically, this concerns myself and a female we'll identify as "Jane." She's a junior and I'm a senior, both in high school, and we've been the best of...

A.   25 February 2007: When you say fallen for each other, can you be sure its an equal feeling? The obvious although may not be true fact is that she appears to be still immature and needs time to grow up. I suggest you let her learn in her own time and go after a ... (read in full...)

Do I try to get him back or should I just walk away?

Q.   hi, last year i met a lovely man after coming out of a 10 year relationship we got on really well. After being together for 4 months i had started to develop feelings for this man and it scared me as we he was 13 years older than me ( he is 43 )I ...

A.   25 February 2007: Believe it or not mature men have feelings, some men can handle being dumped better than others. But being dumped has the same effect as being rejected and no one likes that. It possible that having be dumped / rejected by you once he is unwillin... (read in full...)

Sex is down to once per month as he says he's too tired...what should we do?

Q.   I have been in a relationship for 2 1/2 years, we have been living together for 1/2 that time. As time goes by we hve sex less often, we are down to once a month..... have tried to talk to him about it but he says he always to tired....What should ...

A.   25 February 2007: Hi guessing both of you may be 40+, its possible that sex for him as fallen in his personal list of priorities. It may have nothing to do with desire or love. Questions to ask are: How rewarding is the sexual experience from both points of view?... (read in full...)

Life is getting me down just now what with exams and my love life, what can I do?

Q.   dear cupid i dont knnow what to do anymore im so stressed out with revsion and exams at school and to top it all of i just a lost a real nice guy, basically theres this really cute guy who i met via a friend and we been chatting and stuff and he...

A.   24 February 2007: Hi, you are going through one of the most stressful periods of life. Don't be surprised if this stress shows up in your relationships, it happens to most people young and old. To deal with the stress I suggest you set some short term achievable ... (read in full...)

Do YOU think he's cheating on me?

Q.   quite a few times ive suspected my partner of cheating on me, having read messages on his mobile phone, but when ive asked him about it he says hes not doing anything and these girls are just his friends. today i was supposed to be meeting him at ...

A.   24 February 2007: Ask yourself how much you trust him, followed by how much you love him, if the answer is not much then I suggest you leave the relationship and find someone more trustworthy. ... (read in full...)

Me, my husband and his mother! 3's a crowd, what can I do?

Q.   M e and my husband have not really had a sex life sence we had our baby but more and more i am realizing it is becuase be live with his mother and step father i hate it her it is driving me crazy...... but every time i even atempt to talk to my ...

A.   24 February 2007: Hi Stephanie, Assuming your husband is not tied to his mother's apron strings I suggest you get on your local council's waiting list for accommodation. That will be your only solution baring his mother moving out.... (read in full...)

We're both friends, we slept together recently but she doesn't want to get involved in case it ruins what we already have.

Q.   hiya i am really stuck, i am 19 years old and have fallen for this girl who is 16 years old, we met each other through our mates at a house party. weve known each other for a week now, last night i saw her again and ended up in bed together, a few ...

A.   24 February 2007: Some people fear taking risk, that said she clearly fears rejection from a relationship more than she does getting pregnant! I suggest you ask here what she means by "but we can get to know each other more and see what happens from there'" ... (read in full...)

I bled for 3 days after losing my virginity, is this normal?

Q.   well i am 17 and last week i lost my virginity to a guy i knew 2 days!! i dont regret it one bit! the problem is i bled for like 3 days straight and then started my periods 2 days later is this unusual?? also he cant make me cum.. he can play with...

A.   24 February 2007: The bleeding and period are not unusual. Not everyone is the same, one question I have is are you really turned on by him, especially during sex. If not, your body is not a machine, it just won't react on sexual manipulation. Good sex needs the ... (read in full...)

I am 12 weeks pregnant and my partner wants me one minute then ignores me the next. I'm so confused, why is he acting like this?

Q.   i am currently 12 weeks pregnant i am 19 years old i have known the father for 6 years now of which he is 23 and we have been in a realtionship for the past 4 months, when i found out i was pregnant we were both so excited, my hormones started ...

A.   24 February 2007: Hi, It is possible that he has been put off by your early emotional responses to your pregnancy. That said, You have my fall agreement that hormones can drive us wild in more ways than one. Before you get into a full blown panic, may I suggest ... (read in full...)

We have been together 10 years and have children together but he won't marry me and I'm so upset about it!

Q.   We have been together nearly 10 years, have had our ups and downs, a few kids but he refuses to get married. He knows it means a lot to me. I don't even want a big do. Just him and me, to commit to each other. The years have just flown by, ...

A.   24 February 2007: It could be that he fears the commitment of marriage, he may need a bit of counselling if he is willing.... (read in full...)

I've missed FIVE periods now... could I be pregnant?

Q.   I recently had sex with my boyfriend and the condom broke. I tried to get the morning after pill at two chemists, but couldn't get it for this reason: I haven't had a period since early september, for no particular reason, which isn't pregnancy,...

A.   24 February 2007: It could just be that you are having irregular periods, the medical reasons are outside of my knowledge and experience. I have heard of young women missing nine consecutive periods. After a year or two things settle down into a regular rhyth... (read in full...)

My partner had an affair, we have 3 kids together and I just can't get over it, I feel his mom planned it all.

Q.   My boyfriend had an affair a year ago..We have just started our 9th yr together and have 3 beautiful children.To say i was shocked and devestated would be an understatement. The woman he was with was an ex..she stayed best buds with his mom. I never ...

A.   24 February 2007: I can not agree more, betrayal of trust hurts. It cuts like a knife straight into the heart of the victim. In many ways its worse than if he had died. The loss, the injustice, the cruelty, the anger, the devastation, the confusion, the searching ... (read in full...)

I keep having really bad dreams!!

Q.   ne1 awake? keep having really bad dreams and i need cheering up.i just awoke in a cold sweat again any words of wisdom?my dreams r of nuclear bombs going off wierd i know but they scare the life out of me!...

A.   3 October 2006: I know this will sound strange but if you think about what's going on in your life at this time and then try and relate what your dream means, the nuclear bombs may be your mind using smybols to represent some issue you cannot resolve.... (read in full...)

How can we teach our messy 11 year old son, responsibility for his own messes if Grandma keep cleaning up for him?

Q.   Hi, Every weekend my mother-in-law comes for dinner. Every time she arrives she thinks she has the right to go upstairs and tidy around. We have been having problems with her grandson who is 11, trashing his room and misbehaving at bedtimes...

A.   2 October 2006: You talk as if this boy is not part of your family, does this reflect your relationship with him?... (read in full...)

Not sure if I can trust my current bf! What should I do?

Q.   I have been with my boyfriend now for nearly a year. My previous boyfriend cheated on me (i lost count of how many times and with how many different people) this effected me very badly as i was blind and thought he was 'the one'. Since this happened ...

A.   2 October 2006: You are in a difficult situation, your lack of trust could well be undermining your bf's confidence and trust in you. The more you check and question the more it will eat away at your relationship. Your fear of losing him will drive you t... (read in full...)

How do I get my wife to allow me to fulfill my fantasy??

Q.   How do I go about fulfilling my fantasy of watching another guy do my wife? We do roleplay this, but I wonder if she would ever actually do it for me. ...

A.   2 October 2006: I honestly suggest you review your marriage vows. Sexual fanasty is where it should be keep. If you are plagued by these fanasties I suggest you go talk to counsellor.... (read in full...)

He used me so his ex would want him back and give him all he I want revenge!!!!

Q.   Revenge. Hi everyone. The last time I wrote was back in August when I told you that my ex of nearly 4 years wanted to get back with me. We did get back but it only lasted 4 weeks. He decided he wanted to go back to the woman he had left me for. ...

A.   2 October 2006: For sure I can truly see why you are angry with your ex. But you should have refused him when he wanted to come back last time. Don't assume he will fall into your trap. He appears to be a conviencing liar and as you feel cheated and used he can ... (read in full...)

How can I make him see Im sorry for cheating and that I want him and he can trust me!!!

Q.   I have been in a relationship 2 years, We are engaged and living together. I have cheated on him in the past which I'm sorry for and I would'nt do it again, but he now wont trust me at all, How can I make him see I want him and i'm sorry ?...

A.   2 October 2006: Basically you cannot force someone to trust you and you cannot force someone to love you either. If trust has been broken words alone will not solve the problem because they lack integrity in the case of broken trust. You have two choices; be ... (read in full...)

I can't move on from the fact she's slept around...alot!

Q.   hi everybody,i need some relationship advice! about 6 months ago i started dating my boss's niece(we've known each other for a while and we slept together once but never took it any futher) shes a beatiful,intelligent woman who is highly respected ...

A.   30 September 2006: Trust is something that can only be proven over time. If you go for this relationship then your concerns will relect in your willingness to cooperate in the relationship and may give a negative message. So it you go for it, go full on. If you wrong ... (read in full...)

I need some tips as I'm clueless when it comes to boys.

Q.   hi i am 15 years old nd in my last year of secondary school. I have never done any thing sexsually(never been kissed), never had a bf and im quite shy. here is where you guys come in, i realli fancy a boy who is in my year but i dont know how to ...

A.   30 September 2006: It all depends on what you are looking for out of your first relationship with a boy friend. If you are looking intially for is a bit of fun, company and going out then go and ask he. Remember he cannot read your mind and may have no idea you like... (read in full...)

Im confused, does he like, me or was the touching up just because of the moment ?

Q.   last night me and 3 of my friends went to my house to watch the grudge, and well obiously it is a scary movie so me and my really good guy friend were like hugging, and cuddling really closely. i would move one of my legs like over his legs, and he ...

A.   30 September 2006: It is possible that he didn't want to go any further because your 3 friends were in the room at the same time. He may have been a bit shy so as not to look like he was going to do fore play or something in front of them.... (read in full...)

It is heartbreaking to seem what is happening to do I handle this?

Q.   Not sure that this is the right type of question for this sight but have read some answers here..a lot of sweet people with good insight respond. My mom has alzheimers and I try to go and see her every second weekend. She is not in this city. I work ...

A.   30 September 2006: As others have already stated the effects of Alzheimer's I won't repeat it all again. The emotional response you are experiencing is one of pending and actual loss. Ok so now what do you do with it? What I am about to say is nearly as painful ... (read in full...)

This guy kissed me and the next day, he acted like he regretted it! I'm so confused..what should I do?

Q.   This might sound a little stupid I guess, but it's confusing me. While out with friends I realised I was really quite attracted to one of my male friends and then after we had been drinking for a while and were a bit tipsy, before I left to go ...

A.   29 September 2006: Drinking is well known to distort judgement and reduce inhibitions. So in one sence affter a night like you describe I would put it down as an experience, forget it and move on.... (read in full...)

I hate this guy who likes do I get him out of my life??

Q.   Right, theirs this boy and he has fancied me for a hell of a long time but i cant stand him. It started bout two years ago and at first i was flattered, and sorta lked him but then i started talkng to him more and realised very quikly that i ha...

A.   29 September 2006: You have what is called a stalker or the making of one. I suggest you contact college staff and report his behaviour.... (read in full...)

I am a single mum with a 4 year old son, how will failed relationships affect him?

Q.   I am a single mum, my little boy is 4. In the past 2 years i have had 3 boyfreinds and my little boy had a close relationship with two of them. I am concerned about how the relationships ending will affect my little boy,. Any thoughts or experiences ...

A.   29 September 2006: Between 0 and 7 years child form the core of their personality and primary role models. Instability in your relationships could be learnt as the norm by your son.... (read in full...)

Might sound silly but its starting to hurt me that my little girl doesnt say Mummy, when shes says Daddy all the time!

Q.   My daughter is 14 months old and saying quite a few words but she wont call me mum/mummy. She can call me by my name and she knows who I am if someone says mum/mummy. I gave up work (very happily)to be a stay at home mum, so I spend all day with ...

A.   29 September 2006: Possibly your daughter has latched on to your husband as daddy and because he calls you by you first name so does your daughter. She will probably grow out of this, but a more direct and impacting method is to ingnore her when she calls you by your ... (read in full...)

Can the rather kick his 14 year old after agreeing to have them live with them ?

Q.   If a father takes a 14 year old child from the family home to live with him, is he allowed to kick them out when he likes?...

A.   29 September 2006: Not if the father has accepted the role of responsible parent / carer. 16 is the minimum age for a child to be legally homeless and can then be housed by a local authority. The social services may be able to help if the child is antisocial and a ... (read in full...)

Is there any software to help me speak english ?

Q.   sir Are there any softwares, by which i can speak english. im weak in speaking english...

A.   29 September 2006: What is your native language?... (read in full...)

How do I go about getting a job that entails things I am interested in ?

Q.   how do i go about getting a job that involves things that im interested in and am passionate about?...

A.   29 September 2006: If you care to state work area you are looking at perhaps someone can help you.... (read in full...)

Whats the minimum recognised qualification to become a plumber in the UK ?

Q.   My boyfriend is living in UK, and from Eastern Europe. He is a builder, but can also do plumbing and some electrician work. He is considering taking a qualification in plumbing in the UK, that would allow him to work as a plumber over here. ...

A.   29 September 2006: The UK is currently unque in the EU in that there is no competent person scheme for plumbing. So anyone with or without training or skill can legally trade as a plumber in England. Although if you do not comply with the water regulations are ... (read in full...)

I broke up because I was so depressed with her, she says she will change, but Im confused!

Q.   i am a 21year old male who just got out of a relationship. when we first got together we were so happy together my weight was around 180. Now my weight has gone down about fifteen pounds. We used to be so happy together and when we get around h...

A.   29 September 2006: As a good rule never make a decision in a crisis. You could do well to look at what you think is triggering the depression, is it the hopelessness, anxiety, saddeness or a mixture. If they are only triggered by your relationship with this lady, then ... (read in full...)

I feel as though my bf is manipulating me, worse still I fear is he cheating!!

Q.   I have been in a relationship with someone forover 12 months; he moved in with me after only two months (silly, I know!!!). I am feeling so confused; I really feel like he manipulates me (although I have no way of proving if this is definitely the ...

A.   29 September 2006: Beware this type of individual, they can be as you know highly manipulative and controlling, they tend to have a moderate to severe antisocial behaviour when threatened which is sometimes seen as arrogance. This type of personality trait does not ... (read in full...)

Two online can I make her see she choose the wrong one?

Q.   I know it sounds lame, but I somehow got into an online relationship with this great girl. Ive never done it before, it happened by accident, but it was going great for a while. We talked almost every day. We made each other laugh, seemed to connect ...

A.   29 September 2006: I suggest you read a copy of Women Who Love Too Much (Paperback)by Robin Norwood ISBN: 0099474123. And in the meantime avoid this one like the plague.... (read in full...)

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