A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:To understand the question I'm asking, I must go over in detail what has transpired for the past couple weeks. My wife and I have been married for 6 months, and have been together for 5 years. She has been married before, and had a son with a person who was adulterous, abusive, and controlling. I have tried not to be any of those things, instead always tried to treat her better than any man she's been with, and be a better father figure to the son than his biological dad. While there are other issues, in order for us to get to those other issues to fix that are surely fixable on all accounts if we are both willing to work on them, it was a major fight that has made everything worse, and this major fight is something both of us are having a hard time getting over because we cannot agree and come to any sort of understanding in order to make sure it doesn't happen again. My wife loves to drink recreationally, which I have no problem with because I will too sometimes. I am even trusting of her when she goes out with friends and I stay home with my stepson.There are times, however, she has a behavior problem if she drinks too much, ranging from being overly bubbly and friendly, to borderline psychotic, selfish, defiant, and mean. During those bouts where I end up pissing her off and she is of the later, sometimes I can handle myself well and let her say the things she says, and we don't get in any major fights, but other times it gets under my skin because what she says sounds too realistic, and hurts my feelings. There have been times she has gotten physical with me, but I have never hit her back, and have only grabbed her arms or legs whenever she tries because I didn't want to be hit again. Two weeks ago, my wife went and hung out at a nearby bar with a couple friends of hers that I've known longer than she has. I've always had no problem with her hanging and drinking with her friends without me, especially with girls nights and some of her co-workers. but unfortunately, whenever its with this particular friend, due to how much they both drink, has resulted in some bad drunken fights between my wife and I because she is beyond reasoning. This was one of those nights. I saw how drunk she was because I stopped by at the bar to say hi, have a beer, and leave since the bar was literally on my way home from work. Literally every other phrase she said was, "I'm drunk" and she had that familiar daze on her face. She was definitely wasted. She arrived home at about 10:30, and because the night was still "young" she wasn't settled. She was pissed off at me, Her reasoning was because I was supposedly being rude at the bar according to her drunken friend's testimony to her, and she thought I was only stopping by to "check up" on her because she thought I didn't trust her... all total bollocks. I know it wasn't the case, and if I seemed rude, it's because I wasn't having a good day and was venting... but she seemed to forget I even played a round of pool with her and our friends. But then she decided she wanted to get in the car and drive... aimlessly. No destination, no telling me where she wanted to go. Didn't want to go anywhere with me; just wanted to be left alone away from me. She just wanted to be alone in the car and drive. Let's remember that she was wasted and not in her right mind to drive.Knowing that her driving in an angry drunk state was a huge risk of a DUI, which would have gotten her fired and completely screwed her chances of advancing in the career world, I firlmy told her "no, I'm not giving you the keys and letting you drive drunk." She didn't like that, and not matter how many times she yelled at me to give her the keys, I kept saying no. This is when she started getting angry and started threatening me. I still kept saying no. Then she started threatening to break my computer equipment. Still told her no. After she started reaching for it, I quickly grabbed her arms and wrapped my arms around hers to preventing her from hitting me. Of course she didn't like it, and kept yelling at me to let her go. Each time I tried letting her go, she'd either try to hit me, or go right back to trying to smash my computer, only for me to grab her again and hold her. I'm 6'2'' and weigh over 250 pounds, she is 5'3'' and weighs half my size... I can easily overpower her and not let go if I wanted to. She didn't like that I could overpower her and essentially lock her down. And here is where it escalated. After letting her go, she tricked me into locking me out, and when I came back in, she grabbed a hockey stick and started threatening to hit me with it if I didn't give her the keys. Once again, I overpowered her, and this time held her down to the floor by practically sitting on her (with my knees bent on the floor so I wouldn't crush her, and even letting her arms stay free), but not trying to hurt her. She kept yelling at me to let her go, and kept making threats, was purposely making noise to try and get the neighbors to call the cops. She even went as far as shouting "rape! rape!" She in her drunken mind was wanting to create a ruckus because she didn't like that I was holding her down. All I wanted to do was get it to where she was calm enough and perhaps started passing out drunk, and then getting her to bed, which is how nights like these usually ended. When I tried letting her go and letting her stand up, she once again kept telling me to give her the keys, and I kept saying no. I even tried suggesting to her that I sleep in the living room and she can have the whole bedroom to herself... I just wanted it to end. But after making more threats, she ran for the kitchen knives... Luckily I grabbed her before she could reach any of them, and once again held her down. She kept making threats, among them saying how she would tell the cops I was abusing and raping her. So finally the cops come, and because I was so afraid she was going to tell the cops exactly what she threatened she would say, I quickly admitted that I held her down, but only because she was drunk, beligerant, and trying to hurt me because I wouldn't let her drive drunk. The cops believed me, and it was resolved by having me leave the apartment while she stayed home, which is probably what I should have done in the first place. The cops saw the bite marks and bruises all over my arms, and asked if I wanted to press charges, which I declined. Why didn't I do that, you ask? Because the way she was acting, it seemed too realistic, and I was afraid she would report the car stolen (since it's in her name) and try to get me arrested. She was that unreasonable. I probably should have taken her phone and her car, and driven off. She would have had no way of driving drunk then. But unfortunately, she has found many reasons to blame me for her actions, saying, "everything I did was a reaction to you. you brought out the worst in me" She said that because I held her down, I caused her to be violent and reach for things to hurt me with, and it didn't matter how many times I told her "you were threatening me first, you didn't like that I kept saying 'no,' so you took action first. I only held you down BECAUSE you were reaching for things and I was trying to stop you" She said that it made her feel abused, and controlled like her first husband, who did far worse things to her than me holding her down while she was in a drunken rage. She didn't like that I "made the decision for her" about the car keys, saying "it wasn't your choice to make, it was mine, and if I got a DUI, it would have been my screw up, not yours. You can't make choices for me, you're not my dad!" And then with the cops, she didn't like that I "threw her under the bus" and could have also gotten her completely screwed if she was taken in as a 5150 patient. Didn't matter how many times I've told her, "you were threatening to get ME arrested and said you were going to tell the cops I was abusing and raping you!" "yeah because you were holding me down!" "but you were saying all these nasty things and all these threats to me." "that didn't mean I was going to do it, you obviously don't know me at all!" Because the argument keeps going in a circle, no resolution is in sight, and thus niether of us can get over that night. We can't even discuss it without getting heated again. I want to fix things and move on, but she says she doesn't know what to do, and is living "day by day." She has her barriers up, and even though we are still great parents to the stepson, and being responsible financially, she keeps telling us, "we are not okay" and no matter what I've been trying to do to show her how much I care, she won't even try to take her barriers down. The uncertainty of it is what kills me the most. I've talked about this with my brother, who has had similar and worse experiences with another woman who in his words, "when she's too drunk and in the red zone, there's no reasoning or turning back." He told me he didn't think I did anything wrong. But the more I keep listening to my wife who seems to have every reason to blame me for the fight, the more I don't know what to do. I need help. I need to make sense of this, and any advice is appreciated. Please tell me, did I do anything wrong? Did I do anything a husband wouldn't do in that situation?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2015): I agree with garbo, alcohol is the fuel for these fights. I want to share some stories of mine that will help describe what I am saying. I have witnessed similar situations with my father's girlfriend acting crazy when she is intoxicated. She's made threats, smashed windows, punched kicked and screamed. I must say though when she is not drunk she is a nice person most of the time. She did come from a pretty messed up background as most of her family are alcoholics. An example is her sister hit her in the head with a hammer while she was sleeping because my dad's girlfriend didn't give her her last beer.
I myself have had bad situations with alcoholics. Two in particular I felt ruined a large portion of my life because they beat me and raped me while I was sober.
After that I myself began drinking heavy and would start crying. I was hurt terribly by these feelings and I became a alcoholic. I drank around 3 times a week and I would find myself crying and hurting myself more so than others.
I don't drink much anymore I may have one but I usually feel sick after more.
My last straw with drinking and smoking was two years ago when I was crying to my now husband about those men who hurt me. I was very drunk that night as was my husband who was an even heavier alcoholic but was not a bad person when he drank. He isn't an alcoholic anymore.
Now I know some other commenter's on here are questioning whether your wife was actually abused and I believe she was. I know this sounds far fetched to some but when a person is abused they do not have control over themselves. Some one is literally taking one persons sense of security away by attacking them. So a woman who was the victim of abuse may need that sense of control back in her life. So she herself may become an abuser for that control. Now on top of it she is drunk and displaying those actions I think she was defiantly abused. Now that is not an excuse for something a bad as your (the op) situation to have had occurred. If you are to move on from this I strongly encourage for her to go speak to someone to help alcoholics because what she is displaying is alcoholic behavior as she doesn't know when to stop herself as she turns mean and violent. I also think you two perhaps go together if that will help her on occasion.
The reason I think your wife is an alcoholic is because she drinks until she can no longer control herself, the drunken fights are a reoccurrence, and they are escalating and fast.
Good luck and I hope everything works out
A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (2 November 2015):
 I'm a bit tired right now so I left some things out.
I think this relationship is done. This latest incident should be the last one and I strongly urge you to seriously reconsider pressing charges. This would also help her son in the long run. If another family member, someone stable and supportive, decided to sue for custody they'd have a much stronger case and the boy would have a better chance of being saved.
Women may, generally speaking, have an advantage over men when it comes to disputes that attract the attention of the police, but do not mistake this for an automatic free pass. And any woman who does, does so at her own peril. The police and the courts see women behaving badly all the time. They see them drunk, high on drugs. They see them driving while under the influence, they see them beating or neglecting their kids, assaulting their neighbours, they see them stealing and causing property damage. And they see them making false rape accusations. They might be loathe to openly admit this because they don't want to discourage real rape victims from coming forward, but it happens a lot and they know it.
You are not the only man to have been assaulted by a drunken, shrewish woman. The police know that too. Remember they asked YOU if you wanted to press charges. They didn't ask her. They saw your injuries, they witnessed some of her behaviour, saws she was drunk and they believe you.
It's entirely possible she was abused and now has a safe place to unleash all that anger. II think it's more likely that she was the abuser. She's had no problem or remorse about doing what she's doing and she made the same accusations against her ex as she did about you. Having supposedly been badly abused she can certainly tell the difference. Either way, I couldn't care less.
She may be nice some of the time, even most of the time, but that isn't good enough. She has to be a decent person ALL of the time. What she did was criminal. She does not have the right to choose to put others at risk. Not you, her son, nor any member of the public had she been allowed to get in her car. Incurring a DUI charge is the least of it. She could have maimed or killed someone.
You can't sit around waiting for the next episode. She doesn't need help. She needs a reality check.
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (2 November 2015):
I would privately speak to an attorney and the police and find out exactly what your legal risks and options are. You don't have to press charges, but just KNOWING your options empowers you and strengthens your position.
Keep a log that includes the date, time and name of whomever you speak to (you may need this one day). Also keep a log of any episodes with her, again, including date and time and also the name of anyone else who was present. Both of these should be kept in secret and in a safe place.
You've received some very good advice here, especially the bit about getting your ducks in a row and securing any valuables. To that end I suggest you get a safe deposit box (as long as your name is the only one on it your bank cannot legally allow ANYONE else access to it, but confirm this) and start squirreling away some money, important documents, family photos (along with scanned back up copies). You might want to scan her drivers licence, just in case. Better to have it and not need it than need it and not have it.
In the meantime, stop explaining yourself and for God's sake, stop trying to make peace with her. She's in the wrong hear, even the police think so, and as has already been pointed out, the fact that she's holding on to the same position sober she did when she was drunk is telling.
She absolutely is in the wrong here and I, The only thing she needs to hear, in a quiet, dangerous, determined voice, is that the next time she steps out of line there will be consequences. Do not commit yourself to a particular course of action by going into details, even if she asks for them. Your approach should be a stony silence.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (1 November 2015):
 Wow, I have to agree that MAYBE the ex of hers weren't the abusive and violent one... maybe it was her? But I also DO know that there are people who will act out in "safer environments" (such as her with you, because she knows you won't hit her).
My advice, you sit her down and make a no alcohol rule for let's say 90 days. She can still go out with friends (even though it seems that THAT one friend is telling her crap which she then believes and takes out on you) she doesn't HAVE to get drunk to hang out with friends.
She isn't taking ANY responsibility here, it's all "woe is me".
While I CAN see why it can be perceived as you checking up on her when you popped in after work, it's again her friend bending her ear here.
And I DO think you made a mistake in "sitting on her " to calm her down. I'm sorry. I would have taken the kid and LEFT her there to stew. NEVER get physical with someone who is out of control, NEVER. Getting into it when she wanted to drive drunk was not the right choice. NOT giving her the key , YES that was the right choice - but IF you intend on staying WITH HER - I would suggest that EVERY time she starts crap that you tell her you don't want to argue and fit with her, because you KNOW it will escalate and then you walk away. EVERY TIME.
I'm quoting you here, because you NEED to be smarter about YOUR safety.
""The cops believed me, and it was resolved by having me leave the apartment while she stayed home, which is probably what I should have done in the first place.""
YES, you should have walked away.
I think your wife is VERY aware that you don't know how to handle these situations and she takes FULL ADVANTAGE of that - which again speaks to me with a, I think she was abusive and manipulative in her last relationship too. She KNOWS you are a "gentler" person and thus she is EXPLOITING that as a "weakness" when drunk.
SHE will yell rape to GET her way. Come hell or high water - SHE DOESN'T care what those consequences can have on you as a husband AND as a male.
Personally, this would NOT be OK to me at all. I could not be with someone who acts out and then takes NO responsibility.
My advice to you is :
1. Decide what you WILL and WILL not accept in a relationship. TALK to her about boundaries and limitations.
2. SHE needs to get some kind of help. If she doesn't understand how her behavior affects you (and... that poor kid of hers) there really isn't much you can do.
3. NEVER EVER EVER get into it physically with her. No trying to hold her down, hold her back. YOU simply walk away. Out of the house.
4. ARE you sure you want to stay with her? Considering that I don't think she will change. And why do I say that? Well, all she does is find fault with YOUR behavior, not hers. She takes no responsibility for anything.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2015): I'm so sorry that you're going through this. But unfortunately you have to leave her. She's an alcoholic and an abuser. It will only get worse especially being that she refuses to acknowledge her behavior. Trying to calm down a belligerent drunk is like trying to calm down a wild dog. Not a good idea.At the first sign of her displaying irrational behavior I think you should've left and spent the night at a friends house or hotel. Don't entertain her crazy antics. Because no matter what you do it's always going to be your fault. Drunks and druggies never take responsibility for their actions. It's always somebody else's fault. Since talking about it hasn't worked. I think you should text/email or even write a letter detailing how she makes you feel when she's drunk and uncontrollable. You can't and won't live like this anymore. Either she gets real help and stops drinking or you're Gone. No person deserves to be hit. Most men put up with it cuz they think it's ok because you can easily over power her if you want. But why should you have to. Why be with someone who hits you? You don't deserve that.As her husband it's your job to be there for her. But it's not your job to fix her. It's obvious that she has real issues that are beyond you. Which I'm sure you know because you've been with her for 5 years.BUT grabbing knives....Yelling rape...The cops at your door. Seriously do you want that type of life??Stop enabling her!!
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A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (1 November 2015):
 The cause of this misery is alcohol so if you and her want the marriage to workout then alcoho has to be removed from what you two do "recreationally".
Therefore, you should not be so focused on who is right about the particular incident you describe in length as oppose to focusing on removing alcohol because incidences such as the one you describe will keep recurring. I think your woman senses this so that is why she is stubbornly clinging on to her irrational claims even while sober... and that is a typical thing an alcoholic exhibits in order to justify themselves that they were fully in control while intoxicated, otherwise, if she admits the wrong then she would have to stop drinking.
I also venture to claim that her ex may have been abusive as a reaction to her alcohol-induced irrationality figuring he'll beat it out of her. He divorced but you are probably headed in the same direction.
I do not see a bright future for your marriage unless the alcohol is removed from the marriage. There are no alternative solutions, no reasoning, no nothing unless both of you decide to remove alcohol by seeking professional help and a marriage therapist. You should stop focusing on this incident, drop the subject then turn to removing alcohol. Anything short of a complete removal of alcohol - either by her refusal to do so or yours - will result in the collapse of this marriage.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (1 November 2015):
 How can you be sure her ex husband was the violent, abusive partner, have you ever had that verified, because from reading your question it certainly seems as though she is the violent, abusive one.
What worries me is the fact she is continuing with her argument while she is sober, there does not appear to be any remorse for her actions, only excuses. Quite frankly for me this episode would be the last I'd tolerate, next time she acts like that I would be walking out the door.
PS because she is sure to repeat the bad behaviour, make sure you like all your financial ducks up in a row, and pack anything of sentimental value in a box that you can easily grab on your way out the door and to the divorce courts.
None of her behaviour, drunken or otherwise, is acceptable.
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (1 November 2015):
Welcome to the world of ignorant people that drink and get drunk. Their claims are that they never did anything wrong, it is normal for them to get drunk, the other person (especially the partner) is/was the cause, there will never be any apology and the best part? - nothing changes because the partner is too nice and waits until things get seriously out of hand.
You think she is stupid? She knows she has you confused and frustrated that you can't even think straight which will caused you to stick around. Abusers don't know how to show humility and only know how to manipulate the situation so their partner tries to sink more. No one can CAUSE the other person to do something right or wrong, because everyone has a choice in life. The only fool here is unfortunately, you. And the only one that needs a reality check is you.
Either she gets professional help, stop drinking or you leave her. Pull up your big boy pants and get your life sorted. Stop waiting on her to come around.
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue +, writes (1 November 2015):
 I agree with your brother. From your post it doesn't sound as though you did anything wrong. You married an out of control nasty drunk. Sorry but she needs a reality check. If she,when sober,is of the opinion that you had no right to be keeping her car keys speaks volumes of just stubborn she is to see reason. As a husband you had very right, as a member of society a duty. Attitudes and selfish behaviours like hers is why others have to bury their husbands,wives,friends,children and family members. Seems as though her behaviour is escalating and becoming more frequent. Like any woman, you don't and should not have to stand for this- you are a victim of domestic violence and you both need to be seeking help to sort things out. Grabbing knives...i mean come on that is just crazy,one step too far.If she can't see a problem then until she does,cant see a solution. Sorry you are in this situation and it might just be easier to leave than to stay with someone clearly not ready to be a responsible adult and partner.
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