A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:A few months back my wife confessed to having an affair with a married man after almost three years of stubbornly denying it. She only confessed after my doctor told her it would delay my recovery from a mental breakdown i had over her affair. After she confessed to me i was heartbroken but relieved that the truth had finally come out. For me the worst part was not just the betrayal but the fact that she tryed to cnvince me and the children that i was imagineing all of this and that i was bad person for even thinking that she would do such a horrible thing. There were times when she was so convincing that she was innocent of any wrong doing that i would feel very guilty and would book a nice holiday in the sun or buy her presants on one occasion i even went out and got her a little puppy how sad is that. Even now after all that has happened my wife says she only slept with this man only once but i dont beleve her so it seems to me that she is continueing to lie to me. I have now decided to end my marrage but because of this my wife is now threating to harm herself i do beleve she deeply regrets the hurt she caused her family and therfore i have to take her threats serious in a way i still love her and if she harmed herself i would never be able to forgive myself also our children would be very heartbroken as they love there mother very much. Please help me to decide what to do as i feel like i am going crazy.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2009): Well, speaking as someone who didnt move out....way to go! Now, reconciliation has been mentioned a couple of times but let me tell you here and now. DONT! You can never have total trust again. You will always wonder. You will never feel she has "payed" for your pain. She cant really love you since there will be nothing but shame in her own heart. In my instance, a child was conceived but as to who the father really was, is still unknown. He's now 16. I plan to leave after he has graduated. I've lived in a loveless (my perspective) "marriage" for 25 years now and I basically hate myself for never bailing years ago. I was a sucker for hope and faith. Dude, it will never be the same and I know there are plenty of fish in the sea without tons of baggage. TIME and LIFE is short!! GO AND LIVE ! BE FREE! Do NOT GO BACK TO HER!!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2009): Dear OP -Thanks for the update.
You are a good dad and you value your kids. in time they will settle and in time yes, they will be the happiest kids around again. WHY? because they have a father like you.
as for the (ex)wife, she is manipulating you again. but glad to see that the scales have been lifted from your eyes. she is back at her partying ways and she puts the guilt on you. it worked in the past, happy that you see her for what she really is now.
your kids and your welfare is top priority and you should start investing time in them again (which you already have).
you will have some good days, some bad, perhaps even worse but at least you have the full picture now. start working towards your own healing and good luck. hope you find the peace you deserve.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi all. Just want to thank you very much for your advice and give you an update. Last friday i moved into my apartment which is only a short walk from my home. It was a very hard thing to do but i knew in my heart i had no choice as our children had become very sad from all the stress in the home. On saturday my wife went out and deliberately got drunk then came home and upset all the children by her behaviour. I told her it was very selfish of her as the children were upset enough with me moving out. Our oldest child ended up argueing with her when he saw that she was drunk in the garden that was the first time i seen him give out to her in his life as he and his mother are very close. Her excuse the next day was that she got drunk because i moved out trying to put the guilt on me again. The worst thing about affairs is that the innocent get hurt the most .A few years ago our children were the happiest on the street now they are probably the saddest and that breaks my heart. I have now decided to try my very best to help get my childrens confidance back and help them to be happy once again if i can do this i will consider it the greatest achievement of my life. I have to say that i do feel very sorry for my wife because up until a few years ago she was a fabulous wife and mother me and the kids use to be so proud of her. I know in my heart that she deeply regrets what she have done to her family but at the end of the day she had a choice. My wife says she is still in love with me but i realize now for the first time that the woman i adored for all these years was not the person that i thaught she was. The beautiful girl that i married twenty two years ago would never have hurted me and her children the way she did in the end. I have now come to the conclusion that my wife is in fact a con woman that fooled me and our children into thinking that she was miss perfect and that butter wouldant melt. I only pray to god now that she will try and make it up to our innocent children and never let them down again.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2009): Hi, OP - is there an update. have you moved out or are you still at home?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2009): "......while you behaved in a wayward manner.."
typo, should read:
"while SHE behaved in a wayward manner"
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2009): do not fall for her emotional blackmail.....again.
for 3 years she drove you insane, hey she loved you so much that she deliberately had you institutionalised in a mental institution. what a wife was she???? she lied continuously, she MANIPULATED you, she even swore on your kids lives that NOTHING happened. she deliberately made you think you were the problem and she covered her tracks. enough is enough. just as she manipulated you previously , she is continuing to do so again. so if she wants to self harm, let her. she only has herself to blame for what she put you and YOUR kids through. too much of drama and too much of manipulation. it is time your wife found out that actions have consequences and that HER LIES will be tolertaed no more. you are a good dad and you will provide for them. as for the wife, well, she wanted her freedom, didn't she? well, she now has it. she can now run around with all her new found friends and live the FREE life she so desperately wanted while her innocent faithful husband waited at home with the kids for her to end her partying and come back home to them. your wife is now only remorseful(?) and apparently guilt ridden (??) because she has been caught out. she cared nothing about you while she conducted her affair and while you behaved in a wayward manner.
you owe her nothing. yes, be concerned since she is the mother of your kids but that is all she deserves. you on the other hand, a better life awaits you. you need to grasp this with open arms and go live your life without the drama, without any lies. at least now you got your sanity back. take back your life and do not give her the power to destroy you again. take back your powere- you are not her doormat anymore. take back your pride, your dignity and your salvation.
i am telling you realistic things and not pie in the sky. my response to you is not dictated by ratings. (many many aunts will give you a soppy response and watch their ratings soar.) i am telling you enough is enough. your rest of your life starts now...........good luck and remember she got away with her manipulation all the years do not let her continue. stand your ground and show that you mean business.
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A
male
reader, kargsbarg  +, writes (14 September 2009):
i agree w/ most here. Be a man, draw a plan, stick to plan.
1. she gets professional help FIRST! let them determine if shes for real or not(suicide? manipulative?).
2. get help for yerself, extended albiet, for the affair fallout crap.
3. do or choose from what professionals above tell u to do,and DO IT !
that simple. the rest is cloudly muck n muck, which will only prolong everyones(?) suffering. is that what u want?
suffering? soap opera? i'm guessing not but sometimes u got a do a mind check on yerself, ya know? Gods best to u both-------3 Kb
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A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (14 September 2009):
 This is a very tight spot you're in. I will mention below that if she's suicidal, your wife needs professional help.
Keep this in mind before you read on. Its apparent that she's suffering just like you are. And I can see that you do love her.
I feel terrible for what you've gone through. A lot of times when you have infidelity, the non-cheating spouse has suspicions, but no proof and the cheating spouse refuses to admit to any wrong doing.
In this case, it affected you and obviously created deeply scarring emotional issues. I can see where it landed you in a hospital which means you had some sort of deep emotional connection with your wife. And this is really sad for you as it was completely undeserved. Its sad for her because she did a lot of damage to the two of you, even if she never intended it.
Likewise, I think your wife has a great deal of personal issues with herself. One of which she's probably ashamed of herself inside, and hates herself right now. That means she's suffering and probably punishing herself over this. Unfortunately, she's weak, you're weak, and the both of you can hardly be strong enough to help heal all of this pain in each other.
I would ordinarily say if you have two people that love each other, they can get past this kind of thing. But mental breakdowns and extreme depression in both spouses makes it difficult for the two of you to help each other work through the issues. Usually there's a stronger one and a weaker one, but they are protecting and working with each other to make things better.
Its hard to tell why she did what she did, but she was certainly ashamed enough about it so that its broken her spirit and probably broken her heart too.
If she's suicidal, then she needs help and needs to be attended to by professionals.
In either event, with this kind of pain reeling back and forth between her and you, the two of you need a great deal of help to heal over this. Unfortunately it means you two have to be apart for some length (short or long) of time to accomplish this.
Empathizing with you, it seems you were victimized by her behavior and she was being cruel to you. Likely her own guilt and shame did this though it was probably unintended.
Empathizing with her situation, the shame and guilt coupled with your decision to leave probably broke her down and she's at a loss. She's heartbroken too. And she's scared.
You both need love but you can't give it to each other right now which is also sad.
The only way to save this situation is for the two of you to get help elsewhere (away from each other), until you're both strong enough to either continue working on healing your marriage together, or separating and obtaining a divorce; thereby moving on in your lives.
Since you're both weak at this point, I would say for you, separating and going to an apartment is better. It gives you the chance to regain some peace in your life.
One Possible Solution to do this:
Sit down with your wife, and be kind and gentle to her. Tell her that you'll be patient but that you need to be alone for a while. If you're willing to keep tabs on her, even talk to her on a daily basis, then this might be good and it tells her that you're willing to forgive and you do love her but, as I said you're still hurting. Just tell her that its painful seeing her the way she is, but you don't have the strength to handle it right now and you need to get better.
This gives the two of you some breathing space. It gives her a chance to see that you care and that you won't completely abandon her.
If you and she get stronger, its possible to fix your marriage if you want to. But at the very least, it won't make the divorce as painful as if you were to file it today and make her defend. At this point, neither one of you can probably handle the emotional abuse a contested divorce entails. So you want to try and make things easier on each other.
I think you want to be kind to each other at this point. With all of this agony that the two of you have suffered, it seems like you both need to focus on healing not fighting.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (14 September 2009):
She spend a lot of time messing with your mind before you found out for sure, and she is still messing with your mind. I don't think she is being fair to you by threatening to do herself harm if you don not forgive and stay married.
What she did was wrong, really wrong. Only you can decide if this is something the two of you can work through, IF you can forgive. Forgiveness for betrayal is not always something a person can do. And that, is ok.
If you want out of this marriage, and my honest opinion is that I think it would be WAY healthier for you to divorce her, then you need to get the ball rolling. YOU can not be responsible for HER actions.
She cheated - HER actions. It most likely had very little to do with you. She doesn't want to own it.
You need to figure out WHAT will make you happy in the long run. Going or staying.
If you plan to stay, you two NEED to get some marriage counseling or you will never move forward.
PS I don't believe that she only slept with him once either, NOT if she was seeing him for 3 years.
I'm sorry your wife needs mental health help.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI said my doctor but he is my psychiatrist that i met for the first time on the hospital ward after i had my mental breakdown. Prior to my wifes affair i did not have mental problems. I have just rented an appartment but i am very reluctant to move in because of my wifes threats. She says that i am the only one that can save her. She has gone downhill alot since her confession and her spirit seems to be broken.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2009): you should let go and forgive her. ok she erred.she is only human.she seems genuinely sorry now.if you were a mature person you would have made yourself as though you didn't know and let her sort out her thoughts and return to her family.please let go.for your, her, and, your children's sake.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2009): Don't listen to her emotional blackmail. It isn't your fault that she is so selfish as to say she is going to harm herself. What sort of a mother does that make her? Her children may love her but if she is prepared to harm herself, which will of course have a detrimental effect on the children, then she doesn't deserve their love. I think you both need space. Your wife should have thought of the consequences when she started the affair. I think if you can have some time apart before getting a divorce it might help you put things in perspective, one way or the other. But please ignore her threats, what she does to herself is entirely her responsibility.
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