A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Recently I found out that my wife is cheating on me with some other guy. Though, I think they have not slept yet but she is madly in love with him. We have been married for almost 15 yrs now and have kids. Our marriage has not been the best in last 15 years but I still loved her more than anything. I have never refused her to buy anything she desired (with God's grace I am financially sound)She is a grad student and though the total education is financially supported by me, I cant decide if to pay her last semester (USD 15k) fee.Although I want her to be independent, she has told me that we will split as soon as she gets a stable job after passing. I don't want to leave her and cant live without her. I got very angry when I came to know about her affair but seeing her face makes my heart melt. I want to leave her and run away but I guess I cant live without her. I don't know what I will do or happen to me if we separate.Kindly suggest what I should do 1) Should I continue paying her fees?2) How to prepare myself to get over her?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2010): Thanks guys for all the support and guidance. Well the latest is that she has dumped me before I could.
A
male
reader, elvira505  +, writes (21 September 2010):
Exactly what Gemine , caringguy and followthebackrabit say
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A
female
reader, SirenaBlusera  +, writes (18 September 2010):
 I can't believe her! You sound like a wonderful, caring husband and she sounds horrible!! My own PARENTS didn't pay for my college (I'm not bitter or resentful, I'm just saying that you've gone above and beyond), I had to pay for it myself. She sounds like she's taking advantage of you. I'm really sorry you're having a hard time now. You deserve someone who loves you back.
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (18 September 2010):
 Going to add my 2 cents. Here's a little story about my rents. Married for 25 years, had me and my brother they just got divorced 2 years ago because my mom had an affair. It was a blow to the back of my dad's head and a jaw dropper for me and my brother. Let me tell you it will hurt worse for your children the older they are, because we don't know it any other way. My dad was hurt, angry, called my mom every name in the book, got on depression medication, sought group therapy, and found his faith in God. After he started going through the grieving process he decided he wanted to try to get back with my mother(they were still living under the same roof, I DON'T recommend that you're children don't need to be exposed to that tension) well he partially forgave her for adultery and started being nice to her. He like you paid for her schooling up until this affair transpired, since he was working on getting back together with her he paid for the last year of it. Fast forward to about 4 months ago still living under the same roof, my mother has a new boyfriend, when my father wanted to get back together. So in a sense, history repeated itself even though she is officially divorced. Now, my father is moving out in 23 days to finally be done with my mother.
I hope you got a little something from my story. So please keep in mind your children. And your soon to be ex wife doesn't deserve to have you paying for her school anymore. She can just as well take out a student loan, or find a stable job to cover her last year of tuition. The next part is moving on, have her move out and work out a situation with your children. Lastly, try to occupy your time with a new found hobby, my dad sees a therapist every thursday he found that group discussion had too many women so he felt out of place, and eventually forgive her. Those who have affairs are rather selfish thinking of their own needs before everyone else's and what life they have right in front of them. It's going to take some time for you to heal.
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A
female
reader, natasia  +, writes (18 September 2010):
 This is very painful for you, and I can understand why you want to pay for the course. On the surface it is because you want her to finish it, to have the qualification - you want the best for her. But in reality, deep down, I think paying for the last semester is another way of trying to please her and do what she wants so that ... she will stay with you. She will be grateful. She will love you.
The sad thing is, it doesn't look like this showering her with love and gifts/money is working. She has been dependent on you for this course, but she has been using you - she has been falling for someone else, because although you are her husband, I guess romance and sex has been lacking, and she has been vulnerable and susceptible, and has fallen prey to someone else.
If she will stay with you, I would pay for the course. But if she is infatuated with someone else and wants to fly the nest, I doubt you can hold her.
I think you have to start then trying by some means or other to stand back and at least retain your dignity. One way would be to say: sorry. If you are honestly asking me to pay for the last semester when you have already said it will be your ticket to leaving me and our family and children, you must think I am an idiot. I love you, but I am not going to indulge you to the point of you using me to help you leave us! If you want to work on our marriage and family and stay with us, who love you, then of course there's no question that I would pay for the semester. But if you have already decided to leave me, then you aren't my wife any more, so sorry, I have no reason to pay for this.
Try it. This affair might be a passing infatuation because something is missing in the marriage. Maybe she would agree to work on it.
But the guys are probably right. i am a romantic, and a softy. She will probably just take yr money and leave, which is a scenario you want to avoid.
: ( Sorry.
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A
female
reader, Tbosse  +, writes (18 September 2010):
 1. Dont pay
2. Divorce her, immidiately!
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A
female
reader, followtheblackrabbit  +, writes (18 September 2010):
 She's no longer your responsibility. If she wants another man, let him support her. Go to a lawyer, tell him about your wife's affair and the divorce plans, he will help you with gathering proper evidence about this affair that will hold up in court. I know you love her still and don't want to hurt her but you have to think of your children. You don't want your wife and her lover feeding over YOUR money that could be paying for your childrens's education, vacations, etc. You can't allow her to come out victorious. If you want to, loan her the money, draw up a contract that forces her to repay you when she begins working. In time, you will be able to move on...but don't openly date until you know your children are on stable ground. This will tear them apart and they will look to you more now though they won't say it out loud. Being closer to them will help you through this. They made your marriage worthwhile. YOU didn't cheat, you loved your wife and took care of her-you owe her NOTHING.
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (18 September 2010):
NO! Don't pay her fees anymore! My parents are divorcing right now (married 27 years) and my mother expects my father to keep paying for everything even though she's completely kicked him out of the house and says awful things to him (he doesn't deserve it), but of course my father still loves her so he doesn't shut things down or try to completely move on yet because he still has hope.
I'm guessing you're afraid to make any rash decision that could ruin what she's trying to get because you're hoping things may turn around? Regardless if they MIGHT, they probably won't and she's running around with this other guy and preparting to be with him all while you get to pay for it. If you're divorced, you may have to anyway, but I don't think you should just willingly do it out of the goodness of your heart because she should have to deal with it. She wants someone else then she can worry about her own problems!
As far as getting over her, it's going to take time. I have to be there for my dad a lot, it's really hard on him. There's no simple solution, the only thing that heals is time. Sorry I don't have a better answer for that...but it's time and just letting her go and try to not have anymore communication with her that isn't necessary.
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A
female
reader, AnnieLuck +, writes (18 September 2010):
I don't know how she can have the cheek to expect you to pay her fees when she's obviously given up on YOU and her marriage vow. Don't let your heart rule your head or you will end up hurting even more as well as being taken for a ride. Get her out, or you get out and stop pampering to her needs, think about yourself!
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (18 September 2010):
Buddy, you need to pull the rug from under this today. She's taking you for a ride!
1) Stop paying the fees IMMEDIATELY!
2) Don't prepare. Do. Get her out the house.
If you don't do this, she'll divorce you, take you to the cleaners and get happy on your money. I know it's hard, I know you love her, but you're being taken for a sucker, big style. She's already checked out the marriage and is cheating. Don't let her crap up your finances by sitting there waiting. She'll take the lot and laugh in your face. Get rid of her.
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