A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been going out with a man much older then me for a year and a half. The relationship has been rocky - on and off and I have lost count of the silly breakups and makeups. I am currently half way through a pregnancy and would like opinions on this. We were starting to finally get closer though I still think the baby freaks him out. He has not been good about this pregnancy at all and denies the child is his - hence asking for DNA etc. He refuses to go to any hospital appointments or scans etc.I said I had no problems about DNA as was not worried but cos I love the guy am upset to feel so messed around. We work in the same place and recently he has been v critical of my appearance as obviously my body starts to change as I start to show more now at 22 wks. We had to attend a meeting in work today...and he showed up with another woman - they were acting like bf and gf. I was upset but managed to hide it at the meeting, however ignored him after. 2 hrs later he sees that I ignore all his emails. He pretended that nothing had happened and rang me up asking me if I would cook him dinner after work so I told him point blank I thought what he did was plain right disrespectful and therefore no. Then we had an email breakup. I sat there trying not to let it get to me for the baby's sake.He said he wanted no further communication and accused me of being jealous and controlling and that he could see right through it. Fact is: he has been seeing me, having sex etc. and just as things start to get REALLY good.. he SUDDENLY shows up and sits with another woman instead of me - she touched his arm and they were way too close for my liking. She seemed worse looking then me, fatter and v posh. I noticed a wedding ring on her finger..she seemed v fake so I was v surprised at his choice...anyway while he was playing this cruel mind game with me during the meeting and I sat there two rows back miserable in the meeting doing my best to ignore him he was watching me all the time with the side of his eye. I ignored again but after the meeting watched to see if he would clear it up with me and reassure me or even better introduce me to the other woman but he did nothing and I cried all the way back to the office - thankfully nobody noticed. Things were finally starting to get good between us but I don't know why he did this i.e RISK sacrificing his relationship with me for her.I know I am prob over-reacting here...but I got mad by email and finally said I wont tolerate this. That I only see him at dinner-time cos he likes my cooking or night-time and that he never takes me out or pampers me - why should I wait on him hand and foot constantly when it should be me putting my feet up for once? He is going to Scotland for Christmas to see his sister - has not even told him any of his family about the baby. His reason: in case it is not his! He tells me cos of the age difference they would prob tell me that I am using him but I am not...its quite the other way around! so I booked a flight to my bro today and said I shouldn't be left pregnant and alone at Christmas - having no choice but to travel to see my bro with a baby in my belly..I think he has been trying to stay with me in case it is his in his mind. To test him I asked him why are you scared of a baby? I think he is hoping it is not his baby so that he can just leave me in the lurch with all this but I know that is not the case. I am understandably upset cos 2 years ago my child died in my arms from a birth injury so have been having probs to enjoy the pregnancy as a result. He told me I had nothing to worry about if the baby came out his but why is he making my pregnancy so miserable if he knows what happened me previously? why is he trying to make me jealous with other women as soon as we get back and closer to each other?? why does he fear this child. It gets worse. He lost his erection the night before all of this. I felt so unattractive. He said he would do it in the morning and blamed the drink. He offered me in the morn but I couldnt stomach to do it as I was so crushed by this. I didnt know a few hrs later he would show up with some other woman at a meeting and play games with me... :-( in my madness I said in the mail why did he go soft? was he thinking about her that put him off me or just revolted at my new body shape :-(( no answer of course...seriously though - what is his problem?? can anyone make sense of this behaviour. Thank you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you I totally agree with you..xx
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2009): Hello. It sounds as if the baby wasnt planned and this man really isnt ready to settle down and be a father. He hasnt told his family about the pregnancy and is hoping the baby isnt even his! You should cut him lose for the time being and just worry about giving baby the best start with one happy parent, not two people fighting. You are stressing over an immature person thats not really intetested in anything but dinner and a bed. So please be sensible, stop worrying about what hes doing, look after your health and when the baby arrives, let the guy have his dna results. Then claim child support. All the best.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks - I agree with all of the points you have raised. I get the impression he doesn't want to be a dad and then when he is extra nice to me its his way of saying he does. But his behaviour is not good enough...I have gone away just so I don't wind myself up over him...but it is sending me into knots at the best of times. He got v close to me and was finally starting to show signs of interest and excitement and then to just suddenly out of the blue change his mind...he tried to say I was being abusive...but I wrote back its you emotionally abusing me...when you should be stepping up to the mark. I wish I didn't love him so much. I really do. He doubts my love so never says it to me either.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (10 December 2009):
Simply put, he wasn't ready, and still isn't ready to face fatherhood. He needs to face up to it at some point, and a DNA test will shock him when it comes back positive. I half wonder if he isn't driving you away so he can avoid being a Dad. In any case, the most important thing is that you focus on yourself and your baby now. If you try to run around after him, you'll get stressed, and your unborn will feel your stress. If you have to throw him out, do it. Because it's better to get rid of a lousy guy and be single than have to take the crap you are. Whatever happens, he has to maintain you and your baby now. But focus on yourself, you're all that matters. If he wants to be pathetic about it, let him,, throw him out then drag his ass to court for maintenance if he won't get his act into gear. You and your baby are all that count now.
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