A
female
age
30-35,
*Ax
writes:Hello,My boyfriend has asked to be left alone at the moment. However, I dont know why. Before he texted me this, we had a quick mobile conversation about him saying that he's been feeling down recently because he doesn't have much money. Which I replied by saying it shouldnt be a revelation that he doesn't as he doesn't work that much and he's been saying he'll look for another job since january and hasnt. We're meant to be moving away together in 3 months, plus he wants to go on holiday. But I dont see that happening. Why is he upset? Why doesnt he look for a job like he said he would? I thought I would be enough reason for him :(Thank you in advance.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (30 June 2013):
 He distanced himself because you hit a nerve, he does not want to be reminded he is screwing up by not doing what he is supposed to do.
Now, true, we don't know if he is depressed or if he's just a lazy ass. I would opine that if the lack of projectuality ( not looking for a job ) is the only symptom, - then he is a lazy ass. Lack of drive, lack of initiative is not the only or main symptom of depression, it is accompanied by other stuff : changes in appetite ( eating much more or much less ), in sleep patterns ( sleeping much more or much less ), in personal hygiene , lack of sex drive, lack of interest in previously enjoyable activities etc.etc.
Therefore, if he is not looking for a job yet eating three square meals a day, sleeping like a baby, showering and shaving regularly, hanging out with friends and doing his usual stuff ( videogames or music or Facebook or whatever ), or better , if ,as far as you know, he was doing all these things up to your phone call ...well. Depression is a sneaky, insidious, serious disease, but often is also a very convenient excuse for people who do not want to grow up and be responsible for their life.
Either way , there's not much you can do about it, other than recommending him to seek professional help if you think he may actually be depressed. Either way, you can't do much but just leaving him the space he asked, because right now he is either unabe or unwilling to listen to you and the more you 'd pester the less you accomplish.
But, pardon my cold bloodedness, I would NOT advise you to be patient, unless it was really a superlong, superserious relationship. At your age, you need no albatros around your neck, you need to find a partner who is compatible with you and who can make you happy. You do not need to become his resident shrink / nurse / nanny, if he is really depressed ,yet not taking his depressed butt right away to seek professional help.
He may have a real problem, but at the end of tha day that's his problem, and making it yours won't make you a healer, just an enabler.
Or, if he is simply a lazy ass, - well, life is difficult with a lazy ass. And expensive !
It's a tough call if you really care about the guy, but - it is always easier to find someone who's not broken than to take a " broken " guy and strive to fix it. And many women lost precious years and messed up their lives just by forgetting that.
A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (30 June 2013):
 Hi
The life he wants - the holiday, moving in together are impossible pipe dreams for him at the moment. The job situation is dire with hundreds of applicants for each position. The things he wants highlight his lack of job and money.
If he has seriously searched for work or looked at re-training, getting new skills then he will feel useless just now.
He could be depressed which makes the job search harder, his frame of mind is different to yours. If your working then he sees you with money and able to pay for a holiday and moving in - but he cannot.
Don't pressure him about anything, he has asked you to leave him alone, so do. But don't wait for him forever.
If he has asked you to lend him money or pay for nights out, don't do it again. He will have to learn to be independent, to sort his depression find work - you can't do it for him or change him - he has to do it
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2013): Just to add. Do set a reasonable time limit here though and talk it out with him when he feels ready. I would have needed a break from you the way you've been nagging him if that were me, I'd already be feeling down and you tell me how I'm ruining our plans too? What's called for here is patience and a serious discussion when he's ready about his state of mind. He may need support and help to become happy again before he'll be any use to you, and yes you'd be perfectly within your rights to leave him if he can't be a good boyfriend to you.
Just be careful OP and make sure this isn't something very seriously wrong with his head. Even the best of us can caught up in some serious temporary mental issues that may seem minor from the outside.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2013): Not to disagree with the others OP but maybe he's fallen into depression. Sure it's nice to be free of school and working full time for a month or two but most people can't handle that in the long term and it's very easy to suddenly find yourself exceptionally depressed with where your life is. Sure it's easy to say 'get up off your arse and get another job' but maybe mentally he's lost the kind of confidence you need to get out there and find one.
You're "I told you so" nagging probably hasn't helped matters either and that's probably why he wants to be alone so you're not on his case.
OP normally I'd be like the others and condemn him for being a lazy ass, but I lost a friend very recently who everyone thought was just happy being lazy, when the truth was he was he had become isolated, mentally tortured and found life so difficult to deal with that he just ended it.
As a person who has dealt with depression and always been the kind of person who ensured my life kept ticking over in that time I'd pretty much the same opinion as the others here, the hard ass approach of "get up and get on with it". but after seeing what happened with this guy I've had to do some thinking. Depression, even minor depression can destroy a persons life, destroy their mind and destroy their motivation to do anything, it's very easy to call a person lazy, or say I told you so, or offer a practical solution but not everyone can. It's not like he doesn't know what he's doing, it's not like he doesn't know he's letting you down, do you think reminding him of that is going to help his head?
I think it's best if you just leave him to it OP, the last thing he needs is you pressuring him at the moment and you know what? If I'm wrong and he's just a lazy ass then the solution is doing this too.
"I thought I would be enough reason for him"
Not helpful OP, that's emotional blackmail right there and you sound a little self centred making this about you when he has clearly told you he's feeling down.
Can you not see why a person would rather be alone than constantly reminded of how much of a failure they are when they're feeling down?
It doesn't have to be a pity party OP, but you have to be patient with people and you definitely shouldn't nag them, say I told you so or turn it into a thing of "how it affects you".
Give him space, be patient and stop giving him shit over this. Maybe revise your plans for moving in together or something. But give him time and freedom from your criticism and judgement OP, you're not his mother.
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A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (28 June 2013):
 Sorry to say, but you are not reason enough for him… He would want to find another job for himself and his self-esteem in order to achieve his grand ideas (holidays) etc. Instead he’s just lazing about, getting depressed and settling for mediocrity. The danger is if you move away together and he still hasn’t got his act together; you’ll be relied upon to sooth his unemployed ego and pay the rent, food and bills for the both of you.I would also think after him more couch living than working; you’d have a clear picture of your future with this guy… He’s definitely not showing you any signs of doing anything for you, let alone does anything to improve himself!?Take Care – CAA
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (28 June 2013):
 He is upset because you pointed out a "flaw" or something that is pretty obvious. No job = no money. I guess he could have read it as YOU telling HIM he's no good because he has no job.
Or maybe he expected you to give him a pity party and you gave him a dose of reality.
I would just back off for now, NO need to apologize though. And you might want to reconsider all those "plans" if you two can't do it on YOUR salary, it might not happen at all for now.
How hard have he been looking for a job these last 5 months?
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