A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I'm worried and don't know who to turn to for help. I am in love with a lovely, caring sensitive man. I think the world of him, he is everything I dreamed of yet there are these insistent doubts.I have suffered many abusive relationships, survived and become stronger. I never gave up hope of finding the right one for me. I don't for one minute believe in settling, just because your other half doesn't hit you, doesn't mean they are right for you and this is where my boyfriend comes in.He has obsessive compulsive personality disorder. I have a degree in psychology, have researched this, and I know he has it. One of the biggest traits of this disorder is the 'sufferer' (they don't actually suffer!) think they are fine and should just be accepted and I am struggling to work out whether I should just accept him or not...I ask myself that if I truly love him, surely I would...yet I am still troubled by this. Little things accumulate together and really bother me.He will fold his t-shirts the shop way; perfect. It will take him a while to get out the door, making sure he has everything. He takes an hour and a half to have a shower and shave, he has to take vitamin tablets every day without fail, after he has thoroughly brushed his teeth. He takes a good twenty mins on the loo every morning...without fail! He won't drink soft drinks with aspartame in it (because he's researched it), he won't use toothpaste with flouride in it (again due to his research) He shreds all post with his address on it for fear of identity theft, using a certain online browser because he feels big brother could be watching, he won't eat beef, because of whats in it (again down to research) he won't eat any fast food (kfc/macdonalds) due to his research too. He has routines that he likes to stick to when he comes home from work.I thought I had OCD (a different disorder) but he brings out the rebellious, adventurous side in me I never thought I had. I want to empty all his very neat cupboards and drawers, create mayhem! He can be stingy with money too because his ex wife left him in serious debt but I've been more than generous in the time we've been together.I give him a certain amount of money each month to help towards the mortgage and bills as we live together and even though I'm running out of money, he takes it. He earns very good money.I've tried in vain talking to him about all this, but he seriously thinks he is normal, that it is acceptable, that it his personal preference, that he doesn't make anyone else do it, so it's ok.So why does this get to me so much? I've been through so much...I just wanted a 'normal' fun loving man who loves me. I don't know what to think anymore. I'm an all or nothing woman, I can't half commit to him to protect myself.Any help would be so gratefully accepted.
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female
reader, llifton  +, writes (17 December 2013):
 I once dated a woman almost like you described, but you definitely have it worse.
My ex would come behind me and straighten out everything I touched. And I'm a very considerate person, always trying to be respectful of others, so it really made me feel bad.
She would re-do the dishes I washed, she would come behind me and remake the bad after me. God forbid I was still IN it when she got home. I would promptly be kicked out so she could make it. If I took a shower, she would come in and wipe up Tue wafer remnants from the tub. Same with if I washed my hands. if there was water droplets around the sink, she would come in behind me and check and wipe it up. She would straighten out my towels over the shower curtain, smoothing out every wrinkle I left in it. and she would adjust the shower curtain behind me if I didn't do it just right. One time I dropped a shred of cheese on the carpet that fell from my burrito. All hell broke loose.
I learned QUICK that I couldn't be with a person like this. It's hell, and it's no way to live - for either person. But I disagree. I definitely believe that OCD sufferers definitely suffer. It's a mental kind of anguish. I believe they are driven half mad by their obsessive compulsions.
Thing is, many of them will deny having a problem because like many other forms of addiction, admitting you have a problem means having to take action to stop. And the idea of stopping is so overwhelming to them that they just deny they have a problem in the first place.
I know for me, I cannot live with a person like this. Props to you if you can. it was misery to me.
I wish you the best!
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (16 December 2013):
 He sounds pretty normal to me... as a matter of fact, he sounds like a standard average American,is he from the States :?)
Just kidding, USA Aunts and Uncles, just kidding !
He may be perhaps a creature of habit, a bit uptight, set in his ways... but, does he have to have a personality disorder if he hates fast food ,pays attention to oral hygiene and likes his shirts folded neatly ?... I hope not, I do that too. But I am ( and am considered ) an adventurous , non conventional person, who is not afraid of changes and likes to try new things. I just don't see why, to be funloving , one would have to eat crappy food , or wear wrinkled T shirts.
And the 20 minutes in the bathroom ? for all you now, the poor guy might suffer from constipation. Or just , he likes to take his time, what's the hurry .
These are just random examples but more or less all you mention could be just a preference, a conscious, not compulsive choice... that unluckily you happen to dislike because of different values and personalities.
Maybe eating healthy is not a priority to you, or you are not fastidious about your attire. I am not saying that you should be, but deciding that he has a mental health problem because he cares about certain things and you don't , sounds a bit of a stretch to me.
Probably you just aren't that suited to each other.
I guess you'll just have to decide if his good quaities are enough to make you put up with the habits you find irritating, or not.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (16 December 2013):
 I too have a degree in psych and I am married to an OCD man and I am the mother to a child with OCD as part of his “alphabet soup” diagnosis.
What you describe to me does not sound OCD at all. And trust me putting suffer in quotes tells me you really do believe he is doing this of his own free will. He is not. If he is truly OCD or OCDp then it’s NOT a choice. As a degreed psych major you should know this. The fact that you discount his suffering (whether he realizes he’s suffering or not is a different issue) is part of the picture here.
Let me tell you about my life with an truly OCD man:
1. I used to do his laundry… wash it fold it and put it away. NOW I just wash and dry it. My folding upset him. The way I hung his tee shirts was wrong. His tee shirts are not folded “shop way” which btw is how I fold my shirts because I worked in retail in high school and I that’s how I learned to fold shirts) but rather they have to be hung up on a hanger IN A SPECIFIC SPOT… seams must be straight on the hanger… hems adjusted, shirts placed according to color from darkest black down to lighter black, then to gray and brown and finally the few that are not of the darker colors are added but still darker to lighter. He only wears black pants or jeans. Same with his socks black only. Underwear black or gray only. Folded a specific way put in a specific spot in the drawer. So folding his tee shirts shop way is NOTHING.
2. Making sure you have everything is fine. It’s when you have to do it three or four times before you can leave that it’s OCD, otherwise it may just be his way to cope. I have ADHD and if I do not put my keys in the same spot every time I get home I lose them. It may appear OCD to folks but it’s just coping. Same for leaving… I have to run the list, keys, glasses, purse, phone, kindle, lunch, coffee… etc. if I don’t get “anal” about it, something gets left behind. BUT I don’t have to check and gather 2, 3 or more times… if he’s not doing it repeatedly over and over, then it’s not truly OCD
3. An hour and a half to shower and shave sounds ok to me. Some folks just like to take their time. I usually a lot an hour and half for me for shower, hair, make up and getting dressed… and my husband takes nearly as long as I do. Some folks are more meticulous about how they shower or shave…again I’m not seeing OCD from his time in the bathroom.
4. I have to take vitamins (multiple types) every two hours. I set an alarm to remind me. taking a vitamin every morning without fail is what many adults and children do. Doing it after he brushes his teeth is just his routine. My husband takes his after his morning routine and getting dressed but before he goes down for breakfast. Again I don’t see OCD in this behavior at all.
5. As far as the loo… I too take at least 20 minutes in the morning… it’s my time to wake up and see if my body is ready to do what it needs… NOT an issue since we have more than ONE toilet in our home. Is the issue that you need to use the loo? Because that may need to be planned better with him but 20 minutes in the morning is pretty standard for me.
6. Not drinking aspartame is his choice and it’s not an OCD thing. Same for toothpaste. HIS CHOICE to follow what he believes based on research… this is NOT OCD behavior at all.
7. Shredding your mail is standard practice now adays and I don’t see this as OCD just cautious.
8. Same with his choice of browser… a choice
9. And fast food.. A CHOICE…
10. Having routines you like to stick to when you come home from work is NORMAL typical behavior. Why would this indicate OCD behavior? I get home I like to empty my lunch sack, put my stuff downstairs away, kiss my husband hello, then go upstairs, take off my make up and my clothes and get comfy for the night… same routine every day… in the same order. Does not make me OCD…. What makes it OCD is if a person CANNOT FUNCTION without the routine in the exact same way and if it gets interrupted they have to start all over….
I’m sorry OP but I have to agree with your guy, his behavior is NOT sounding OCD to me in any way shape or form. He has made his choices to live his life they way he is living it and it’s working for him and he’s happy. I think the issue is you. I think you want more control and you can’t have it. He’s got order and he’s happy.
As for money, that’s different. IF you are giving him more than you can afford you must discuss with him what options there are, perhaps you can get a second job if you can’t pull your weight in the relationship? HIS earning good money does not have any bearing on your inability to pay your bills until he is your husband.
Why does it get to you? Because you want a different man then the one you have and you are wanting to MOLD him to be what you want when what you need to do is LEAVE him or ACCEPT him the way he is.
Sounds to me like you two are just not a good fit.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (16 December 2013):
 I think the entire content of your "question" is revealed in this sentence: "I just wanted a 'normal' fun loving man who loves me."
What you need to decide is WHAT you consider "normal." From your submittal, I detect that you think that this man's behaviour is OUTSIDE of what you consider "normal"... and, while it seems to be rather benign, you find it stressful....
So,... your question is only, Will you be happy living in a relationship with this kind and magnitude of stress? Or, is it really outside of your "comfort zone"... and so you should part ways from him... Your call....
Good luck...
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