A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my bf for almost 5 years.Things have been so rocky the last month we're hardly communicating. Last night we talked for almost 3 hours, over facebook, about our issues and how we can't seem to make it work. As the conversation went on he said to me "your problem is you think no one else wants me and that all i want is my ex's.. and you're wrong on both accounts". I had brought up one of his ex's from about 7 years ago so that's what he was referring to. I asked him what exactly that meant and he said that he knows of 2 or 3 women he could have at the snap of his finger.This annoyed me because I've never said, nor implied, that no one else wants him. I asked him how he knew that someone wants him and he said he went in the grocery store, got some food, looked up and she was smiling from ear to ear. I questioned him about it further and he said that was all, he could tell by the way she looked at him. He thought it was funny how much it was bothering me. He said he was just stating that I'm not the only woman in the world and that he *could* have someone else if he chose to.He does things like this sometimes that makes me feel horrible, as if I'm not good enough. I told him to go get who ever he's interested in and he said he isn't and wouldn't be in my life if he did want someone else. But why the need to try and break me down and make me feel like I have competition or something? He likes to make me jealous and make me feel like nothing I do is right, which makes me feel like other girls WOULD be better. Since last night I've been an emotional mess thinking that he will love the next one more, he'll have better sex with her, she'll be everything that I'm not.... but to be honest, I don't really think there's anything wrong with me. I then start questioning myself and it makes the whole situation worse. He likes to put the idea in my head that he's in high demand and I don't understand why. He'll often tell me half a story and then let me make up the rest in my head and he finds it amusing (like the girl at the store thing). But I find it hurtful.
View related questions:
facebook, his ex, jealous, my ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (3 March 2015):
 He is insecure and jealousy is an emotion rooted in insecurity. HE NEEDS to know that he can be a jerk and you won't leave him.
He is being a jerk. He's testing.
Is he really what you want/need in a partner?
He wants/needs you to show jealousy so that he feels good about himself.
I would say to him "fine then end it with me and go get any of the women you can get at the snap of a finger"
then go NO CONTACT, get on with your life and see how fast he's at your door begging you for you to forgive him and come back. THEN you can set new boundaries with him that state "I do not wish to hear about other women that want you, if you bring them up the day's conversation and activity are over" and when he starts in on you you end it for that day.
and walk away.
soon enough this will resolve itself if you say "no more" either he will stop or he will leave. IF he leaves it's really better for you as he's being manipulative.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (1 March 2015):
 I think Janniepeg is right. He is an insecure type and as such he always feels unilaterally that he is being compared - taken for granted- put down etc. even when the other party never meant doing any of that. So he feels the need to prove you something... that you did not doubt to begin with, i.e that he may be desirable in the eyes of other women.
Either this, or / AND - after 5 years he knows your vulnerable points, and when you argue or disagree he tries taking you down a peg using these stupid tricks. He is fighting dirty :).
I must say that it works though ! He tries to make you jealous ... and he succeeds beautifully ! why all the questions about some stupid irrelevant episode like a woman smiling in the grocery shop ?... Why can't you just ignore him, change subject and stick to the issue at hand if you are having any ?...
It seems your insecuroty is specular to his - but that does not necessarily mean that you are made for each other. In fact, if this kind of silly stuff has to generate 3 hours of texting battles,- maybe you are not very compatible all in all.
...............................
A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (1 March 2015):
These are not conversations. They seem more like childish banter. I am unsure why he teases so much and boast his ego but I can only assume that these arguments are only going in circles. You are lashing out about his ex gfs and other issues and he lashes back about being desirable which in turn causes you to bring up the ex gfs and thus the cycle repeats.
My best advice: Perhaps you both need some time from each other. Some time to re-collect yourselves and miss each other. Obviously, this thing you both call "communication" especially when you are both on edge.
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (1 March 2015):
 Just ignore him when he talks about other women. It's him who is insecure. He is always worried that you would break up with him and feel like a loser so he is constantly consoling himself that there would be another woman lined up for him. He thought by propping himself up somehow you would respect him more.
You shouldn't give importance to what he is saying and engage in an argument with him. It's just verbal garbage when you could have spent time doing fun activities instead.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (1 March 2015):
 So why are you with him?
...............................
|
